To Date or Not To Date

Suddenly, I have had a bit of a... change occur.  It kind of came out of the blue, but I definitely noticed it.  I realized that I'm not as pathetically in love with Richard as I thought I was.  I don't know when that went away, but at some point, it did... and I am really quite relieved.  Obviously there are still lingering feelings, particularly when other women in his life are mentioned, but it is not the obsessive can't-stop-thinking-about-him feeling that I had before.  And like I said... it's a relief.  At least, for the most part.

Something that I've noticed that came hand-in-hand with that is a change in myself as well.  Up until very recently, I didn't really like when other guys flirted with me.  It was a rarity, and usually over facebook or text, with a specific handful who had my number... but however it took place, I didn't like it.  I didn't know how to react or respond, and I would try to just ignore it.  Being asked out on a date was even worse -- I did not want to date AT ALL.  Not in the least.

Now?  I'm thinking maaaaaybe that's changed.  Sort of out of the blue, I started accepting the flirting a little more.  I gave my number to a couple of those guys who were previously just facebook friends.  I let a couple guys back in my life who I had stopped talking to because of flirting.  And I started a new job last week where I'm working with four guys, who I have noticed are pretty nice guys.

And you know what?  I'm flirting back.  The last time I flirted with somebody, it was Richard.  I'm obviously not flirting with these guys to the extent that I was flirting with him, since even at the time he was a very special person to me... but still, I am flirting.  And it feels good.  It feels good that guys want to talk to me like that, and that I'm comfortable enough to do it back.  It might not be really obvious, over-the-top flirting, but in my own way, it is indeed flirting.  One of the guys from work actually wanted to add ME on facebook.  Usually it's me being the creeper and trying to hunt people down on facebook... but yesterday at work he actually asked me if he could add me.  Cute right?  So cute.

So this makes me wonder... could I be ready to date?  Up until the flirting started to be okay, I was very much against dating.  I didn't want to be with anyone but Richard, and I didn't want to go on a date with someone when I knew I didn't want it to go any further.  But now I'm thinking maybe it could be okay.  Nothing serious, of course, just casual dating.  And I sure as hell won't be sleeping with anybody... JUST dating.  That is something I have never done before, and I think I would really enjoy that.  Casual dating... do people even do that anymore?  Well, doesn't matter... I am seriously considering doing it.  I don't see myself getting into a relationship with anybody anytime soon, but hey, there's no harm in a date here and there right?

There's a big part of me, though, that doesn't want to... partly because of Richard, and partly because I'm scared.  I don't want to get attached to anybody and I don't want to get hurt again.  Wow... I never thought of myself as fragile before... but I guess that was back before I ever had my heart broken.  I guess it's pretty normal that I have changed in that sense.  And then obviously there's my... emotional issues.  I wouldn't want that to get in the way of me dating somebody.  I have jealousy issues when it comes to Richard... so maybe if I go and date that would make it worse.  And maybe if I start dating, Richard will think it's okay for him to do the same (even though he tells me he has no interest in it at all) and I will lose it again.  I don't want that to happen.  But I know it would, and I wouldn't be able to stop it.

It would probably be easier once I move out, but then again... maybe not.  Then I'd always be wondering what he was doing.  What I would LOVE is for us to be at a point in our relationship (and by relationship I mean our friendship/roommate-ship/whatever) where we can continue to live together and do our own thing and have me be completely okay with it.  I don't know if a day like that will EVER come, but that would be absolutely perfect.

So really, it's a hard choice.  As far as facebook is concerned, my relationship status is blank.  Even though I am now open to flirting, I'm still hesitant, for whatever reason, to change it to "single".  I'm even more hesitant to put it out there that I am open to dating... however people even do that.  I am almost sure that I AM ready to, but I don't know.  Maybe I have to try a date or two first?

Anyone who's actually reading this... advice is greatly appreciated!

My Best Friend

A year ago this month, I met the man who is now so many things to me.  I don't remember the first time I ever saw him and I don't remember what day it was, because I never thought he would ever be one of the most important people in my life.  The first memory I have of him is the first time we actually had a conversation.

It was near the end of the night at work and my job was to clean the girls' bathroom.  He was cleaning the boys' bathroom and I knew it was his first time doing it, or one of them anyway.  I don't know what prompted me to do it, but I went into the boys' bathroom to take the garbage once I was done in my bathroom... just to be nice.  I think maybe I had been bringing him my mop as well, but I'm not sure.  We started talking in the short time I was in there with him.  I thought he was nice and cute, and I would find out later that he thought I was hot... that was why he actually wanted to talk to me.  I don't remember how exactly the conversation started, but I do remember mentioning having a son, and I remember his reaction to it.  "Shut up," he had said, and I can still hear him saying that.  And then the conversation went as most conversations did after people found out I have a child.  They ask how old I am, I tell them, and then it's "oh!" because I don't look that old.  Our conversation was very similar to that.  He told me later that he would've started flirting with me, but he figured it'd be a no-no.  At that time, it probably would've been.

We didn't become friends that quickly after that really.  We added each other on facebook and would have casual conversations at work, but it took a long time for it to go beyond that.  We didn't bond until maybe November when we made more mutual friends, we'll say... and it wasn't until December that we started talking a lot on facebook.  Even then, I had a crush on him, but I couldn't admit that to anyone -- not myself, not him, and certainly not anyone else.  I was off the market.  Unhappy, but off the market nonetheless.  Once we started talking more, that's when the flirting started.  I remember it catching me really off guard when he told me he I was cute, or hot, or whatever he had said first.  I was not used to compliments and I never knew how to handle them.  Usually I'd brush it off, but from him, I accepted it.

As I learned more about him and grew to like him, I drifted more and more from the relationship that was holding me back.  I fell fast and hard for him... faster than I ever had before.  And I think we know how the story pans out after that, for the most part.

2010, of course, had been a whirlwind for me, thanks to him.  January was the start of the best thing ever, February was when our relationship really began, from March to June I was in the best relationship I had ever been in, and then he broke my heart.  When I thought I was going to lose him forever, I realized that he was more than just the greatest boyfriend I had ever had -- somewhere along that line, he became my best friend too.  I maybe could have walked away and gotten over someone who had broken my heart and left it at that, but I couldn't walk away from the man who had become so much more than that to me.

In the time that followed, I struggled with not being able to be with the guy I'm so in love with.  But even though it hurt to see him and not being able to be his girlfriend, I still couldn't forget about my best friend.  We moved out in July, as we'd been planning for months, even though it wasn't going to be quite how I wanted.  Since then, things have gone way downhill it seems, with everything.  I got very depressed because he decided Aden wasn't allowed here, I lost my job, I fractured my hand... everything just seemed to be getting worse and worse.

Things seem pretty bad a lot of the time, and I'm constantly hearing (from several people and myself) that I'm stupid and I have made so many mistakes, but things really don't feel as bad as they seem.  And it's because I'm with Richard, my best friend.  He may cause a lot of the problems sometimes, but all in all, it feels a lot better to have him with me than it would to not.  He doesn't understand what I'm dealing with, and he thinks all my sadness is all in my head and I can control it... but I know I would only feel worse if I wasn't near him.

It's been one hell of a year but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I got the greatest best friend out of it.

Turning Twenty Two

It's October 1st today, which means my birthday is in 30 days.  In 30 days, I am going to be older.  In 30 days, I will be 22.  Still 30 days and that fact is already starting to get to me.  I never believed it when people said that when you get older birthdays are less... awesome, because I have always LOVED my birthday.  I don't even really know why, because I haven't had that many birthdays that stand out in my mind as amazing... I guess I just really enjoy that day.  I count down to it, I look forward to it... it's the best day of the year!

But starting yesterday, I started to really think about it.  I am going to be 22 this year.  I have turned 18, I have turned 21... and now, nothing.  Just 22.  It wouldn't be so bad if I FELT 22, but I definitely don't.  21, maybe, but not 22.  When you're 22, you should be maybe graduated from college, or at least on your way to it.  You should be ... at least mostly sure of what you want to do with your life.  You should have a few years of working under your belt, at least.  You should be paying rent and bills and squeezing your way through life financially.  You should be enjoying yourself and just living life before you have to find a man and settle down and have kids.

22 for me is going to feel like a failure.  I have never considered college until recently, and I can't even afford to apply.  I have no clue what to do with my life, and I never have.  In total, I have maybe 2 years of working under my belt.  I have had 4 jobs since I was 16.  That might be impressive if each of those jobs lasted around a year, but that is not the case.  It was about 2 months on, a year off... 6 months on, 18 months off... 4 months on, 10 months off... a year on, and so far, 2 months off -- NOT impressive.  I should be working a "real" job, not looking for a job a fucking 16 year old can do.  I have contributed to rent ONCE in the two and a half months since we moved here, and I haven't been able to pay my phone bill since I got fired.  If it weren't for Richard, I wouldn't be squeezing through at all.  Not even slightly.  I cry almost every day, at least a little bit, and I can't make myself enjoy things the way I should.  I have found a man but I can't have him, and he's all I can think about like I'm a damn teenager with a crush.  I cannot settle down until all the other steps are completed -- steps I have not even started.  And I already have a child... I just suck at being his mother.

And that's just the start of it all.  I have a feeling the next month is going to be terrible for me.  It's going to feel like the countdown to the end.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ... BOOM!!  FAILURE!!!

Meds and Turkey

Well, I have officially made one of the most grown-up (in other words, scary) decisions I have made my entire life: I started on anti-depressants.  I'm on a one-month trial of it, and I'm two days in.  There are only a few people that know about it, but I'm sure the people who don't would be very pleased to know that I am taking their advice.

Obviously they won't have a very noticeable affect on me for awhile (3 to 4 weeks, they said), but I'm really hoping it goes well.  Yesterday surprised me a little though.  I decided to lay down for awhile, after a night of bad sleep, and I ended up passing out for almost three hours.  That's pretty insane, considering the longest I ever usually nap is an hour, not even.  And then of course I got a shitty sleep last night, thanks to all the sleeping from the day before.


Anyway, that said, I need some advice from whoever reads this!

I am thinking of doing my very first Thanksgiving this year.  It's getting to be a little late to think about it, since Thansgiving is like... three weeks away, but I guess that's still enough time, considering it'd probably just be Richard and I, so I wouldn't have to make a whole ton of food.

So here's what I need advice on: How hard is it to do a turkey dinner for the first time?  I'm just thinking a small turkey (considering there'd just be two of us), mashed potatoes (we're talkin' from a box), stuffing (again, from a box), some veggies (frozen, of course), and pie (probably store-bought, even though I am very anti-store bought pie). So does it sound do-able?

I know comments aren't working on here for some reason... but given that most of you who actually read this are my friends elsewhere, your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Canada Arts Connect

In an attempt to win tickets to Cirque du Soleil's Kooza, I am writing about this awesome website!  I had never heard of this website prior to my hunt for Kooza tickets, but I'm definitely gonna search around on it now that I've come across it.  After all, I am a fan of the arts!

Wish me luck!  I'd love these tickets and I'd love to take Richard to the show as a late birthday gift!

A Little Update

So I got my hand fixed.  Two pins in my fifth metacarpal on my right hand, and everything down to my elbow in a cast until October fourth.  Yes, I probably could've blogged about this sooner, but as it's my right hand that's hurt, I held off.  I probably won't be blogging much in the next 22 days until the cast is off (yes, I'm counting).  I'm actually getting pretty good at typing with just my left hand... it just gets uncomfortable doing it for a long time.

So given that my right hand is no good for awhile yet, my job hunt is on hold.  I applied at between 10 and 15 places before the drama went down, and never heard back from any of them... so an unsuccessful hunt remains unsuccessful.

And like I feared after everything happened, Aden's dad is VERY hesitant to let me be around much until I get "help".  He thinks I actually need to go stay in a hospital in order to be healthy.  No, I don't think I can go without help at this point... I'm actually going to my doctor on Tuesday to talk to him about the possibility of anti-depressants -- something I've avoided for years.  I know things aren't going to get any better for me if I don't at least talk to someone about everything.  Trying to control things myself only got me a fractured hand.

As for my friends, things are actually okay.  After all the not-so-nice words that were exchanged, it turns out Carly and Luis weren't quite ready to forget about us and our friendship.  So the friendships worth saving were saved, and the ones that were easy to erase were erased.  Now, things are much more okay around here.

Of course Richard still thinks I should move, but he knows I can't until I'm working, and he knows I can't work until my cast comes off, so he's not trying to force me out before I'm ready.  I love it here, more than anywhere, but if it's in our best interest that I leave, I will.

My life constantly seems like earthquake after earthquake... and I'm just looking forward to the day all that slows down a little bit and things can be a little more stable for me.  I don't see that anytime soon, but I know I'll get there eventually.

Long Story Short...

I have one hell of a story to tell you all... but I can't type all that well right now, so I'll have to make it short and sweet.  Well... minus the sweetness.

On Sunday, Aden and I went to stay at Carly and Luis' house for a little while.  It was Carly's idea and it was extremely sweet of them to let us stay.

But of course, I screwed up.

I started to really go crazy on Monday night.  Aden was, well, being two, and I started feeling stuck, like I do when I'm forced to stay at my dad's house.  Richard was ignoring my texts and I felt like he was the only one I could talk to about it.

Finally Aden got tired, around 8:30, and we went to go have some quiet time in the guest room.  I realized I had no clothes to wear the next day, so I asked Luis if he could take us to my house so I could get something.

The evening got extremely sour from there.  We pulled up to our apartment and I thought I recogized my biggest enemy's car in the parking lot.  I left Aden in the car with Luis (the plan all along) and dashed upstairs.  I opened the door and sure enough, the slut's shoes were there.  I burst in and punched her in the head, screaming at her to get out.  Richard followed her out and I called Aden's dad to come and get him because I was pretty sure I'd broken my hand.  I told him what I did and he was on his way.

I was terrified then, that I'd never get to see my son again after his dad came... that I'd surely be kicked out of the apartment... that I was bound to lose every single one of my friends.  The four of us (me, Luis, Richard and Aden) sat in the hallway looking out the big window that's there so we could see Aden's dad.  I apologized to Luis several times and hugged and kissed Aden a thousand times.  I was crying the whole time and Aden kept asking what was wrong and wiping the tears off my face.  It broke my heart.

His dad came to get him and I brought him down.  His dad wanted more than anything to come up and hit Richard, but I assured him it was all my fault -- nothing to do with him.

Luis left after that, and Richard and I went back to the apartment.  It was getting late but the night wasn't over.  There was a lot of yelling left to happen after that.

We very quickly realized, though, that for some reason, people weren't blaming me entirely for what happened.  People started getting mad at Richard and blaming him -- Carly, slut-face, slut-face's mom -- they were calling and threatening him.  Carly and Luis weren't even mad at me, and now... now they don't even want to be Richard's friends.  It's not fair to him at all.  Yes, it was a situation that couldn't have happened if it weren't for him... but I'm still the only one to blame.

After a lot of him hating me and me dreading being kicked out, he realized something: all he has now is me.  He lost three of his friends that day (his friend Laura also decided to end their friendship that day, due to an unrelated incident), he lost slut-face, and he decided he should probably quit Toys R Us too.  He knows I'm not going to leave his life unless he wants me to... and he realized that after losing all that, he hasn't lost me.

So at the end of the night, I still have a place to live, I still have a best friend, Richard still loves me (even though he should hate me), and we still get to be happy.  Things have come out in the open and maybe things are even better here than they were before.  I don't know when I get to see Aden now, because I can't have him alone anymore (a choice his dad made that I respect), but perhaps a break will be good.


Now... YESTERDAY... oh what a day.

We went to my doctor (Richard came with me) in an emergency situation... otherwise it would've been like a three month wait.  They looked at my hand and decided it wasn't too bad -- it was swollen and my palm was bruised -- but they'd send me for an x-ray anyway.  So I went for the x-ray and then back to the doctor.  To everyone's surprise, I had a pretty bad fracture.  It's called a boxer's fracture.  There's a very obvious split down from my pinky.

So the doctor sent me to the emergency room where we waited for 2 hours.  Finally they called my name and looked at my hand.  They wrapped it up and gave me the number for a plastic surgeon who I was to call at 9 this morning.  They told me he'd have to put a pin in my hand to stop the bone from sliding.  In a more severe situation like mine, a cast just won't do it.

Don't worry though... I'm quite sure my hands hurts a lot more than that bitch's head.  I'm quite sure I just suck at punching.  No one will know for sure, cause there's no way in hell I'm asking and Richard's not either.

I'm headed back to the hospital at 11:30 today, to meet the doctor in MINOR effing SURGERY.  I'm terrified and I'd love more than anything for Richard to come with me... but he went back to work today.  I can handle it alone, but... some company would be nice.

Goodbye Comfort

The last bit of comfort in my life has officially come to a close.  Work let me go.  The one manager called me yesterday to break the news.  She said if it was up to her, she wouldn't have done it ... but it was a decision all the managers had to make together.  All of my friends still working there are a bit surprised, and I've got to say, I'm a bit surprised myself.  It's one of those places where they don't fire you unless they HAVE to ... like if you hardly ever come to work, or you're always late or things like that.  Aside from my numbers (which was the only real reason they could give me) I was good at my job.  I was one of the fastest cashiers there, and I got along well with mostly everyone.  Most of the people who've been fired in the past have been people that no one particularly liked and there was always more than one reason to let them go -- with me, it doesn't make much sense to anyone.

I don't really have any hard feelings though -- I was more than ready to let it go.  Granted, I would've much rather had another job set up to make the transition easier ... but if it's got to happen this way, I just have to accept it.  I understand their BS reason why they had to let me go, and I mean ... I was preparing to quit anyway, as soon as I had another job set up, so I really can't make myself have hard feelings about it.  Richard is making it easier to deal with too.  He got this apartment because it was something he could afford by himself ... so he really doesn't need my paycheck to pay rent too.  At first I felt terrible for getting fired before I found something else ... because if I live here, I should contribute even if he can handle it alone.  But he came up with a solution which makes me feel a little better: I'm paying bills with this last decent paycheck I got today (the last decent one for who knows how long) and Richard is going to take care of rent.  After that, hopefully we can stay comfortable and full until I find something else.

And speaking of finding something else, I decided I'm gonna go downtown to all the awesome stores down there and apply.  I was down there yesterday having lunch with Richard and shopping with my friend and I saw a lot of places with NOW HIRING signs in their windows.  At first I was thinking that would be too far away to work, but then I thought about it, and it's really not.  I live a 5-minute walk from the train station, and downtown is only five or six stops away.  I can get there in about 10 or 15 minutes -- it's totally doable.  I could have lunch with Richard, I could have lunch with Carly once her school starts up again, and when I get into college, that's right downtown too, and I could go right to work from school if I needed to!  I think it's totally a wise choice to make.  So some day next week, I'm going to go meet Richard for lunch again and then I'll spend the afternoon handing out resumes.

I'm optimistic here -- it won't be so bad.  I can find something before too long, I think.  It'll be easy, now that I'm living in the city.  I probably would've panicked if this had happened before I moved, but now, it's really not so bad.

Weekend = YIKES

So my weekend has been ... less than pleasant, we'll say.

Yesterday (Saturday) was just ... UGH. I have hated Saturday nights for quite awhile now, for many reasons. First of all, the fact that we're incredibly understaffed on Saturday nights (though any manager will deny that fact). We never have enough people to successfully leave the store in a tidy state, especially if it's extremely busy beforehand. Then there's the closing assistant manager on Saturdays. She's a huge tool, it seems, and she has this incredibly annoying desire to impress her higher-ups, so she works us all harder than any other manager. She gives us all to-do lists that we just can't complete, because like I said before, there's not enough of us. She wants all the other managers to think she's doing a good job on her only shift that she closes alone, which is ridiculous since even they don't try to work us that hard.

Last night, she made up huge impossible to-do lists for us ... at eight o' clock. By eight o' clock, we should all be doing what we were assigned to do -- and we all were -- but she decides to tack on a whole bunch more right at the end of the night. Naturally this annoyed every one of us, so we obviously didn't react to it with pleasure. I, for example, had the girls' bathroom assigned to me, so I cleaned it at eight o' clock. I usually get it done at seven or eight, depending on how busy I am. Eight is the absolute latest I get it done ... so that's what I did. Obviously I can't deny people use of the bathroom after that, so the counter got messed up after I cleaned it. The manager insited that I clean it again, so I did. Just a quick wipe up and I was done. Then, at about five minutes to nine (we close at nine), she made me go in there AGAIN. Once again, there was water on the counter and shit on the floor. I have cleaned shit up off the floor at least four times in the last six months -- it's gross! Ah, the delights of working in a toy store. Aside from that, I was PISSED that I had to do the bathroom THREE times in an hour. Any other manager wouldn't care, as long as it had been done once before we closed. I couldn't believe how anal she was being.

Most of the managers let us out of the store at 9:15 at the LATEST, even if the store isn't up to snuff. Not last night's manager though. Every single time she closes, she keeps us until around 9:30, making sure everything is PERFECT. Last night it was 9:25 when she let us out, after making an incredibly annoying speech about us giving her "attitude" and not doing what we were told. Well, when you give people impossible lists of things to get done, in an impossible time to do it, yeah, we're gonna give you attitude. Don't be a bitch and we won't have that problem!

I also made it very clear to her that I HAD to leave well before 9:20 to catch my bus home, but guess what? She didn't give a shit. Luckily for me, a friend of mine offered me a ride -- otherwise I would've been waiting until 10:30 for the very last bus of the night ... and I would've been MAD.


Then when I got home last night, I was met with something completely new. Richard had found my "diary" and read it. I have kept a journal for ... years, really, but I only have one (from when I was 18) here in our apartment. All the others are still packed away in storage. He was looking through my boxes that are up in the closet, and was intrigued by that. My journal, though, isn't like a lot of people's. It's ... stories I've written, sort of. I like writing, but writing out my life isn't always that thrilling ... so I make it up. No one has EVER known that before, no boyfriend, no friend, nothing ... so I was INCREDIBLY embarassed to find out he'd read it. I wasn't mad ... just embarassed. I was afraid he'd find it ... childish, stupid ... any negative thing someone could possibly think of something like that.

So I cried. A lot. We sat on the couch talking about it for awhile, and I felt like he was criticizing me for what I had written. Then he said, "You're under the impression that I love you less." Followed by, "But I think I love you more." And then ... a bunch more tears from me. After a bit more talking, he said "You have an incredible talent. What I read was really good. I couldn't put it down ... and it's hard to find a book I can't put down."

I was absolutely shocked. I couldn't believe he was telling me that! It felt amazing! I may have written about nothing particularly important, and I never finish I thing I write ... but he liked it! He thinks I'm good at it! I was ... amazed!

I'm still embarassed that he read it, but I'm far from angry. It actually feels nice to get that off my chest, even if I'm not the one did it. It was forced, but good.

We spent the night together, and woke up incredibly happy. I loved it.


Today, however, SUCKED.

It started out with a lecture on my "numbers" -- the fact that I never sell protection plans at work, and they all think I've given up. I tried to defend it again, but of course, it wasn't all that successful.

I continued along my day, hating my job and wishing the day would be over, until Luis came up to me and told me he was taking Amy out of service and putting me in. At work, whoever is in service does the most transactions in a day and should do awesome at selling protection plans. Amy, who was in service, almost always hits her goal and they never have a problem with her. So taking her out and putting me in made NO sense. If you want to force me to sell, put me on CASH so I don't fuck up that much -- putting me in service will just result in a lower average for everyone, resulting in less hours for everyone, all at my fault. Yeah, THAT's what I want -- more reason for them to pick on me.

I took an extra long fifteen minute break after that, to collect my frustrations, and then I challenged that decision. It was stupid and made no sense to me. Granted, I was extremely frustrated and had a fair bit of attitude towards the managers, but they sure as hell can't deny that it was a stupid idea.

The manager grilled me about my protection plans again, and I told her that I haven't given up on selling them, if that's what they think. So she said she'd have to talk to "her team" and let me know if they've "given up on me".

Long story short, she's going to call me tomorrow or Tuesday and let me know if they're letting me go. Yep, I've put a year in at that fucking place (a year and eleven days to be precise) but that means nothing. They're willing to just let me go over one bad day. Unbelieveable.

Then they sent me home early. Instead of getting of at 6 and getting home at 7:15, I was here by 3:30-ish. I'm not complaining -- I didn't want to be there anymore -- but it's still quite upsetting.


And now, I'm going to listen to the storm outside and consider a nap. Hopefully this week I can find a new job, so I'm covered if they fire me, or I can quit if they don't. I'm sick of all the politics and drama at that place!

Depression

So up until recently, I was pretty sure I was bipolar. It runs in my family, and my mom was always sure I had it to. She even brought it up to my doctor, but I never wanted to be diagnosed. So went undiagnosed, sort of just assuming that I was. It never seemed too serious if I did have it, so I really wasn't too worried about getting it diagnosed or taken care of. When I was a teenager I felt that if I got rid of that part of me, it would be like getting rid of part of personality. I don't really feel that way now, in particular, but I guess that stayed part of it for awhile.

I stopped thinking I was bipolar awhile ago though, around the time of my break-up with Aden's dad ... and possibly before. I just realized that it wasn't ME making me have mood swings ... it was everything in my life, really. It wasn't a part of my personality after all ... it was really just an affect of everything going on around me.

Now, though, I think there's something "wrong" again. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. If I am, it certainly isn't a serious amount of depression, but it's there just the same. I'm obviously not an expert on depression or bipolar, but I think there's a fine line between the two. Because not only does bipolar run in my family, but depression does too. So now, given how things have been lately (and in my whole life, actually) I'm pretty positive that depression is my issue.

I know I should probably go to my doctor and really get diagnosed, but I dunno ... I really don't want to. At least not just yet. He put both my sisters on antidepressents this year, and I really don't know how they both like it. My one sister told me that it's easy to get hooked on them, and hard to be weaned off ... so I'm kind of scared of that. I used to avoid taking any kind of medication, really. I was even hesitant once upon a time to go on birth control! So yeah ... I'm really hesitant to talk to my doctor about it, because I'm sure he'll jump right to drugs to take care of the problem.

So I'm looking into natural remedies for it first, to see if I can make myself feel a little better about things on my own. I know that exercise can help, and I've been doing a lot of that lately. It's not really a long-lasting effect, but it helps me get through my day anyway. Then there's changes in your diet that can help too -- healthier food, obviously, and I think I'll get myself some vitamins so I can still get what I'm missing from my usual diet. If those don't help, I'll try something else. There are several different "natural" ways to help with depression (not serious depression, but just mild cases, like what I think I have) ... so hopefully I can find something, or a combination of things, that will work.

Not only that, but changing things for myself helps me feel pretty good too. I got a money order for my transcripts the other day, I've got the form to get my transcripts, and as soon as those are sent, I'm applying for school. I'll apply for the January semester so I have time to work my ass off before that, and hopefully come 2011, I'll be a college kid! It feels awesome to think that I could really be doing something with my life ... even if it is just an Administrative Professional Certificate!

Hopefully I start to feel better about things here soon. I mean ... don't get me wrong. I have a lot of good days ... but the bad days ... they can get pretty harsh.

Here's to feeling good soon!

Timeline

I realize that I've already posted once today, but I got to thinking after that ... about how much my life has changed, and I thought I'd blog about that too.


8 years ago I was fourteen and had just moved to the town my family still lives in. I was scared of everything, I was shy, and I hardly had any friends.

7 years ago one of the first big changes for the better took place. I made the best friends I had ever had in my life up until then. I'm still friends with several of them, though not as good as we were then. I also started dating a guy I'd stay with for quite some time after. That was grade ten.

5 years ago, or closer to 4 I guess, that boyfriend and I broke up after two and a half years together. That was about four months before graduating high school, so it was quite a life-altering change at the time. I started dating another guy after that -- turns out he was a real rebound. Then I graduated high school and so much changed after that. A few of my close friends (and a lot of people I knew) had plans to go to college ... and I didn't.

4 years ago I turned 18, and my whole outlook on life burst, pretty much. I started drinking, partying, and sleeping around. The stretch of promiscuity ended with Aden's dad in 2007. That summer, I found out I was pregnant, which was really just scary at the time. I lost most of my friends, and became quite depressed. I hadn't been working and I had no plans to really "grow up". Basically, I was nothing but a pregnant failure.

2 and a half years ago Aden was born. To this day he is still the best thing that's ever happened to me, despite what a lot of people might think. I love him more than anyone or anything in my whole life, and I would like to think that he's one of the main reasons I am currently trying to change things in my life.

A year and a half ago Aden's dad "proposed" to me. He had no ring and no real intentions to follow through with it, but I accepted anyway. That was basically it for that part of our relationship.

1 year ago, almost exactly, I got my job at Toys R Us. I met some amazing people who'd only become more important to as the following year progressed -- people I'd like to always have in my life.

9 or 10 months ago I met Richard. It was not a memorable meeting -- there were a ton of people being hired on at the time. I'll never forget the first time we really spoke though ... never.

8 months ago Aden's dad and I nearly went through a very rough break-up. Things had been falling apart for awhile and it seemed as though they had reached an end.

7 months ago Richard and I started to talk -- a lot. Facebook conversations were nearly a daily occurence, and we learned a lot about each other. The facebook conversations quickly turned to text message conversations, which would last all day, and late into the night. Falling for him was something that snuck up on me, but it was something I accepted willingly. I stopped sleeping in the same bed as Aden's dad, which was not surprising given the unraveling that had taken place in the previous year.

6 months ago things officially ended with Aden's dad and I. I made no move to leave his house, though, which only confused things.

5 and a half months ago he kicked me out. He found out about the things going on between Richard and I, and I moved back in with my parents. Things did not, however, get easier from there ... and it was only complicated between Richard and I. However, I began to change. I suddenly wanted a better life for myself, all brought on my Richard and all the changes. I realized that I could do better for myself ... not just be what people expected.

5 months ago and our relationship was officially underway. Richard was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend, and everything was beautiful. Things became very serious very quickly, and we fell in love like I could never imagine two people could so fast. Looking back, I probably should've been more cautious.

About 4 months ago we made plans to move out together. It was really fast, and not easily accepted by anyone, really, but it was what we wanted and we were moving forward. We were so in love, and it was amazing.

A month and a half ago Richard broke my heart. He lied and cheated (or not) and confused me ... and then he dumped me. Everything was different and confusing and I didn't know what to think. I felt like all the changes I was making were for nothing, and I was angry.

3 weeks ago we moved into our apartment. Richard told me he didn't want me to sleep in my own room, he didn't want to be without me ... he wanted to be with me again. So we got back together. Things were amazing again, really. All was forgiven ... but I really had no idea.

2 weeks ago he broke up with me ... AGAIN. I was stupid and naive and I let him do what I expected him to. I found out a lot of truths about "us" and I learned that our whole relationship was not what it had seemed. Once again, I felt like everything I had been working on had been completely pointless, and that I really should just give up. Well ... I didn't give up, and I have yet to. Yeah, I'm still stupid and naive, but ... I really don't know what to do about that.

1 week ago the truth came out. I found out what everyone thought of me and our relationship, and it all hurts. It still hurts. I have to try and focus on other things because it hurts too much to think about. I get sick to my stomach and I get the "I want to give up" feelings again. It's ... awful, really.


What's next? I really wish I knew.

First of all, I'm making no plans and I'm trying not to keep my hopes up when it comes to relationships. I'm giving "single" a try, if you can even call what we're doing single. Whatever it is, it's working so far. It's frustrating at times, and it can hurt, but we're happy most days. I'm trying not to focus too much on what it is or isn't.

Second, I'm going to apply for college. Just to be an administrative assistant, but hey, it's something. I'm going to apply ASAP, and I'm sure it'll mean good things for me.

Third, I'm trying to grow the fuck up! I have to stop dwelling on the past (which is basically the whole point of this) and start focussing on what I can do for MY future. I have to stop blaming myself for all the bad things, and give myself a good reason to move on: ME.


Ugh ... what a pointless blog entry ... but whatever.

Home Sweet Home

So for those who don't know (cause I'm not sure whether or not I've mentioned it here), I go back to my dad's house every Sunday through Tuesday to spend my days with Aden. I sometimes complain about going back there to see him, but it's not because I don't want to see him -- it's because I'd much rather have Aden come to my house. I really like my apartment ... I like being able to do my own thing without having my parents and my sisters in the way, I like having everything I need in one place, and I guess ... I just like feeling like a grown-up who relies on myself, rather than on my parents.

Anyway, I FINALLY got Aden to my house yesterday! We spend Sunday night at my parents' house, but my stepmom graciously drove us here yesterday around noon. I was so excited to get him here, so we could spend some time just together.

The afternoon went very well. He played quietly and he was a hell of a lot more calm than he is at my dad's house with his crazy aunts getting him all excited. I didn't know my two-year old could be that well-behaved!

I tried to keep it a surprise for my roomie until he got home, but that didn't last, and I ended up telling him over facebook that Aden and I were here. He seemed pleased that we were, and said that would've been a nice surprise to come home to -- mainly he was happy about because he knew I was happy about it.

The night, however, did not go as flawlessly. Aden wasn't being bad, per se, but he was being loud and rambunctious. It annoyed Richard easily after he'd been home for awhile, so he kind of just ... sunk into a quiet annoyance and didn't say anything. He wouldn't say something was wrong, but I know him better than he thinks I do, so I knew something was.

Aden went to bed easier than he has in a VERY long time -- he was asleep by 8:30 last night, which was awesome, so I got to spend some time with Richard. Finally he would talk. He said it wasn't going to work with him coming there all time ... cause he just wasn't ready for it, and he doesn't know if he ever will be. I told him that's too bad, basically, because Aden will be coming back. Not every week, probably, but hopefully more often than not, now that I know he likes it here. He informed me that he just doesn't like kids, and he doesn't know if he can't handle that. Well it's not like I'm asking him to be alone with Aden, and if he absolutely must, he can go out and do something when he knows Aden's coming ... but I mean ... it's still upsetting. He is so good with Aden, and Aden really does like him a lot ... a little effort couldn't hurt, right?

So I guess there will be a little friction in the future when Aden stays with us, but here's hoping Richard will get used to it. Aside from that little ... flaw last night, it was a very successful stay, and it's still going well this morning. Last night was a little uncomfortable, yes, but I have hopes that it could get better.

Here's hoping!

A Better Me ... But For Who?

So ... a lot has happened in the past months that's triggered a change. The base of all this, of course, is Richard (formerly "Boyfriend" -- I'm referring to him by name now, as I really don't know what to call him anymore). It's probably not a good thing to say that a guy is the reason I changed my life ... but it's entirely true. He's the reason I ended my previous relationship, he's the reason my work life got so much better, he's the reason I moved out of my parents' house, he's the reason I'm becoming more independent ... it was all him. Yeah, it was probably deep down inside me all along, but still, it was him who brought it out. I'd love to tell you that I started it all myself, or that I did it all for Aden, but that's just not the case. I fell crazy in love with someone and that changed everything for me.

And I'm currently still changing too. I mentioned that I'm becoming more independent ... and I am. It's a work in progress. Five months ago, when our relationship was just getting off the ground, I can definitely say that I was completely different person then. Well ... still the same person ... just ... I didn't act twenty-one. I acted ... like a child, I guess you could say. It wasn't good. I had never really realized how dependent I was on other people until Richard even pointed it out to me. I knew I wasn't independent and I couldn't stand on my own two feet ... but I didn't realized how bad it really was. Richard told me the other day that my inability to be independent really scared him -- he said he had no idea that someone could be that dependent on others.

And now? Well now I'm completely different. Now, I go places alone. I take the train and then a bus to work, all by myself. I leave without someone telling me when I have to, and I get to work on time. When Richard and I started dating, I couldn't get anywhere alone. I didn't know how to take busses and trains (cause I wasn't from here), but I was afraid to learn. Now, I have completely let go of that fear, and I do it on my own every day. It probably isn't a big deal to anyone else, but I love it. I love how the independance makes me feel. And it doesn't hurt that Richard has said he's proud of me too. It made me cry when he told me that. Not only do I get to work alone, but I've gone downtown alone, and I walk to the store when I need something, and anywhere I need to go! I can get there ... myself.

Now ... I don't know if anyone recalls, or if I even talked about it enough for anyone to recall ... but one of the major problems I had with Aden's dad was that our house wasn't clean. He blamed me for all the issues going on in our house -- dishes never being done, laundry never being touched, toys never picked up ... it was all my fault. That was by far one of the biggest problems we had. Though I wouldn't admit it to him, or anyone, I was quite sure it was entirely my fault that our house was in the shape it was in. He blamed me, and I did too. I knew full well that he could've helped out around the house, despite working full-time, but I still knew that I was the one home every day, doing fuck all.

And what about now? Well, we've lived here for three weeks now, and our apartment has yet to become unbearably messy -- even a little bit. The worst I've let it get is letting clean laundry sit in the basket for a day or two before I fold it, or letting a few dishes sit out for a bit longer than I should. But I haven't let it get out of control yet, and I don't intend to. So as it turns out, it wasn't entirely my fault that our house was messy when I lived with Aden's dad. See, Richard, he appreciates the things that I do. He says thank you and doesn't EXPECT it to all be done by the time he gets home. Who knew that being so positive about it would actually make me WANT to clean? Same with cooking ... I always wanted to cook when I was with Aden's dad, but it was never appreciated, so it didn't make it all that fun. Here, I can't wait until I can buy food to cook ... I look forward to it so much. Positive reinforcement ... gotta love it.

So what's left to change? Well, I'm working on the independence thing (and loving it), I'm working on dealing with missing Aden (and I'm afraid that will never get any easier), and one of the hardest things: I'm working on being less clingy. But yeah ... totally not making any progress there. Aaaanyway! I also want to look into going back to school (I've even decided what I can go to school for) and obviously into financial help for school, but I need help with those ones. I think once I get into that, obviously the independence thing will really take off, and maybe I can just be happier in my own life, rather than wishing things were slightly different.

I mean ... I SHOULD be happy shouldn't I? Granted, I don't get to see my son nearly as much as I'd like, I need more hours at work, and I'm living in a situation that tends to be awkward some of the time ... but I really have to stop focussing on those things and think more about the good things I have going on. Like ... I may not get to see Aden as much as I'd like, BUT I still see him three days a week and I love those days. I may need more hours at work, but I'm still working five nights a week and I'm still making enough to pay rent (if I don't spend spend spend). Plus I still enjoy my job and I've had it for a year! I may be living in an awkward situation, but I love our apartment, I'm living with my best friend, and I get to do my own thing every day. Aside from that, I have awesome friends who love me and care about me getting hurt, I have the greatest son in the world, I'm working out almost every day and feeling good about my appearance, and I'm changing things for myself.

But the question is ... who am I REALLY changing for? AM I changing things for myself? Is it all to make myself happier with my own life? Or is it for someone else? Could I be changing things so I can be a better mother for Aden? Of course then there's the obvious reason ... could I be changing things so Richard will want me back? After all, he is the one who triggered all the changes. There are some days where I start thinking that all the changes I have made have been for nothing, because he doesn't want to be with me after all. I know that's not true, cause I am so much happier with myself now ... but it's crossed my mind more than once. Am I working out so he'll remain attracted to me? Am I trying to be independent so he'll be proud of me? Do I want to go to school so he'll see me as a grown up?

Ugh ... I really have to get my mind off of all this, and just be happy! But I guess that's easier said than done.

Change is ... Good?

As if I wasn't bipolar enough before, I sure as hell am now. It's only been a couple of days since Break Up #2, and already, I've been up and down several times. I've had a few breakdowns, but I've mostly kept them to myself. I wait until I'm alone to cry, so no one can make it worse. I cried with uh ... Roomie last night, and all it did was annoy him, which resulted in making it worse.

At the same time, I've had a few moments where I was extremely elated and just ... happy. I'm not sure where it came from, but people were a little confused. Of course not everyone knows about the second break-up, in fact hardly anyone does, so it's not unusual for me to be happy ... except when I was kinda bummed only moments before. It's been awhile since I've had such severe ups and downs, and I really hope I can get it under control before anyone sees something too out of the ordinary. I was glad to be able to say that yeah, I may be bipolar (don't actually know but there's a pretty huge chance of it) but I can keep it under control too. So much for that now! I can do a pretty good job of faking it, though I'm sure that's not exactly something to be proud of.

I'm really trying to get a grip on what's most important in my life right now: first of all, of course, there's Aden. He's my number one priority. Right after him comes me. Trying to be happy without needing someone else, and trying to get my life back on track. I have to try to be ME without being with someone else. I can do it, I know I can, I just really need to be strong. The hardest part of losing Roomie as my boyfriend is that I have changed so much for him and because of him ... but I'm starting to realize that I don't have to lose the person I've become just because I'm not WITH him. He's still my best friend, he's still in my life ... and he's still here to support me and help me figure it all out. He pushed me to be come more self-sufficient, which is something I'm still getting the hang of, and I know he'll continue to do that in his own way.

Granted, I've noticed he does have his way of tearing me down too, though it may be unintentional. He needs to realize that I am not bouncing back from this nearly as well as he is, and I do need the emotional support to get to where I should be. He can't just go and disrespect everything that's happened and just make me feel bad ... no, he has to just give me some time, and take some time himself to be ... himself.

So anyway, I'm kind of ... trying to figure out where I want to go from here. I'm trying now to become my own person, not someone that a specific person can love ... just someone that I can love. I started working out the last two days, which makes me feel great ... I dyed my hair (it's now a strawberry blonde sort of shade, instead of brown), and I'm trying to be more confident with it all. I can do that. I know I can. I used to be unique and confident and comfortable in my own skin. I'm quite sure I can be there again. Along with all that stuff comes trying to figure out my future. Roomie is going to help me look into colleges, since he's been there and done that, and I trust and respect his opinion. Since it's already July I doubt I can go in the fall, but I guess we'll see! I don't know what I'd LOVE to be at this point in my life (even though I'm almost twenty-one), but I know what I CAN do. I'd like to look into business administration or whatever it's called -- I know I'm capable of doing that. And maybe I won't love it, but hey, it's something. I have realized that everything doesn't have to be planned and structured -- if I end up not liking it I can always look into something else. I just really want to make a good life for MYSELF and Aden and not always have to have a man around to support me. I know I can do that. I'm a strong woman, even though some things in my past have made me less than that ... the strong woman was just bottled up inside somewhere, and now she wants to come out!


Hm ... pep talks are good ...

Falling Apart

Right now I feel like the best thing I can do for everyone is give up completely. In my last post, Boyfriend and I had gotten back together, gotten all moved in together, and everything was going well.

Well guess what. THAT fucking blew up in my face. It's only been a fucking week and a half since we got back together, and that is no more. He broke it off AGAIN. I haven't gotten a real reason yet, aside from "It just wasn't what I wanted" and the suspense is killing me. We were SUPPOSED to talk when I got home from work last night (a conversation I was dreading) and all he ended up doing was breaking up with me. Now I have to go through another day on the edge of my seat waiting to hear his bull shit reason why "it wasn't what he wanted". And I know the speech he's going to give me is going to be completele BS too. I know there could be a thousand reasons he could give, and they'll all be false. I know the real reason. He just wants the freedom of being single and not being tied down in a relationship. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants -- mainly with a girl I have mentioned before. Remember the love triangle of sorts that we were in back in February? Yeah. Her.

Except I have learned a lot since then. Hell, I've learned a lot in the last couple of weeks. I learned that back in February when Boyfriend (I guess I should stop calling him that) couldn't decide between the two of us, the other girl DID have a huge thing for him then. Boyfriend always made it sound, though, like she was madly in love with him and it was her who stopped him from deciding. He had me under the impression that this hardcore love she had for him was still going on, and that she just could not let him go.

Well I have learned that that is not the case. Not at all, actually. She DID like him a lot when he initially couldn't decide between us, but despite what he said, that did not continue. After he and I started dating, she stopped liking him as much. He started to annoy her and she stopped liking him in that way. She also started to like me more as a friend and didn't want to get in the way of our relationship. Now, he is nothing more to her than a best friend, but he just can't accept that. He constantly tells her how he feels about her, and she responds with nothing more than "okay". I saw some text messages on her phone, and from what I saw, she is never the one initiating the "lovey dovey" conversation between them -- it's ALL him. He is still convinced, though, that she's in love with him, and I'm quite sure that's a huge part of the reason he can't be with me. He says they'll hang out and she'll come by, but I know that's not the case. In fact, she's "in love" with someone else. She has no love interest in Boyfriend at all. He's been asking her to hang out for months, all the time, and they've only hung out once in all that time. She likes him as a friend, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't trust him as far as she can throw him.

She's told me a lot about how she feels about him, and it seems to me that she's only getting more and more annoyed at him. I told her I'm pretty sure he's going to try to start something with her now that's he's broken up with me, and she just seemed pissed off about it. He knows that she's got something going on with something else, and she's not about to throw it away for him. He can't accept it though. She told me that she's tried to stop him from saying the things he says to her, but he just gets mad. Apparently he can't take no for an answer.

Eventually he'll have to though, and by that point, it'll be too late. He'll have lost me by then, he'll have lost the other girl by then, and probably more than a couple other friends. I know he doesn't want to lose me as a friend -- he doesn't want me to move out at all -- but it'll eventually come to that if he doesn't smarten up. I know he doesn't want to be with me, but even after everything, I still have a desire to be with him. I can thank him for most of my happiness lately -- he's been there for me through a lot in the past several months, and I can't forget about that -- and now it seems he's taken that all away. If he keeps pushing me away like this, I'll eventually give him and he'll have lost me altogether -- one more person lost in his life. He's always said he's afraid of getting hurt because so many people have left him in his lifetime ... but I realize now that many of those people could very well have left him because of him, not because of them.

Really I'm just more pissed off than anything. Pissed off that I let myself get suckered in to all of this ... pissed off that I let myself believe everything he told me, when he's been lying to me all this time ... pissed off that now my whole life seems to be falling apart before my eyes ... it's just getting to be too much to handle.

I don't want to go all the way back to my parents' house two days a week to be with Aden, but no one will help me get him here to my house. I moved to the city to be with Boyfriend (what the hell can I call him?) and now I don't even get to do that. I feel like I've made a huge mistake moving here. Everyone told me it was stupid to move so far away from Aden, but I didn't listen. I thought it would be easier. I thought I'd feel better once I was taking care of myself, rather than intruding on my parents' lives and being in their way. Yeah, well, that's not how it is. I still have to intrude on their lives, because I have to go stay there with Aden two days a week, when I don't even have a room to stay in anymore. No one will help me out by driving Aden to me, which is what I want more than anything. I'm not even sure Boyfriend will help me out when he gets a car. So now I'm stuck going back there every Sunday and then back here on Tuesdays which I HATE. I'm constantly wondering what Boyfriend is doing when I'm not here ... wondering if he'll dare have someone in the place we both live, in the bed we're both currently sleeping in.

Ugh ... get THAT disgusting thought out of my head now ...

Anyway, yeah, it feels like I should just give up now. Everyone's unimpressed with me moving to Calgary when Aden isn't with me, now Boyfriend wants to be nothing more than roommates and best friends, and I just don't know where to go from here. I have no choice but to keep living here and probably going back and forth to my parents' house, and it just ... sucks! I feel like people would just appreciate me disappearing now. Quitting work, backing out of Aden's life, just ... disappearing. I can't do that, of course ... I could not imagine leaving Aden ... but still, it feels like that's the best choice for me right now. I feel like a horrible person for giving up on so much and changing so much for the sake of my relationship, only to have it fail and now I'm left in the dust. Left in an apartment where we share room, left missing my son four days out of seven, left feeling like everyone thinks so, so little of me.

I know it's possible to dig myself out of this, but it's not going to be easy and it's not going to happen anytime soon. I was just so ridiculously happy before ... it felt like everything was perfect for a little while. I guess it was just karma when it all had to come crashing to an uncomfortable end.


I feel so stupid.

All Moved Out - An Update

Okay, so let's go back to ... last Friday, a week and a half ago. That's where my update for today begins. Be warned, this could be a massive update!

So since it was Friday, Boyfriend and I obviously had plans to spend the night together once I was off work. For whatever reason, I had good feelings about that night, and I was very excited to see him. He, however, shot down those good feelings, and claimed he "had a feeling" it wouldn't be a good night.

Well his feelings were dead-on, since he knew damn well it wouldn't be a good night. He came to meet me and work and I started to feel like something was off when we left. He was acting very loving towards me, which isn't necessarily out of the ordinary for him, but I could tell something was up. I asked what was going on, but he refused to tell me anything until we were home.

We eventually stopped talking much on the way home, because I just wanted to know what was wrong and he would not tell me. Once we FINALLY got home (which was still our friend's parents' place at the time), I couldn't wait anymore. He asked if I wanted him to tell me what was going on first, or if I wanted to watch Friends for a bit. Well duh ... of course I wanted to know what was going on first!

I'm not going to go into much detail here, because frankly, I don't want to get mad about it again ... but he started off by saying to me, "I'm going to hurt you now." Right away I seemed to know that my biggest fears had really happened: he kissed someone else. I was upset, naturally -- upset that he could've done that, upset that I let it happen, upset that all my jealousy was for nothing.

He still won't tell me who it was, but I have ruled out the only three possibilities I thought of ... which basically means that he lied to me about who was seeing and when, so he could see this person he kissed. He told me that it almost happened once before, a couple of weeks before the breaking the news to me, but he didn't let it. Then, sometime during the week before, it DID happen and HE was the one who initiated it. I was so angry when he told me everything. I didn't know how to react.

He asked me if I wanted to break up with him, but I wasn't really sure. I have to admit, I have never been in a situation like that before. I have never been cheated on, not in a big way or a little way ... and I have never even really been hurt before. I had always been strong in previous relationships, and it had always been me ending it for whatever reason. Because of that, I didn't know how to react or how to deal with it.

I told him all of that, and that made him feel worse. He's the first guy who's ever hurt me ... and I bet that doesn't feel good. He decided then that we should break up, even if I wasn't going to initiate that break-up. He said it was because he didn't want to be tempted to hurt me like that again, because apparently he has no self-control and he thinks he'd do it again.

I told him he'll only do it again if he THINKS he's going to do it again, because obviously there's nothing to stop him. If he starts thinking he won't, well then ... he won't! Simple as that right?

Of course I wasn't only pissed because of what happened -- I was pissed because I assumed it meant I was going to be stuck living at my parents' house longer. I felt like my plans to move were being flushed down the toilet ... AGAIN.

That wasn't the case, though. He said I could still move with him if I wanted to, and I could figure out from there what I could do on my own. I accepted that offer, because I had been so eager to move! I did not want him to take that away from me again.


I went through the next day at work ... well ... not very well. I wanted to avoid talking to people -- customers, people I worked with, even my friends -- and I wanted to go home. Boyfriend didn't want me to come meet him after work that night, which stunk, but I still didn't want to be at work. In fact, it was the LAST place I wanted to be.

I still wasn't sure how to go about dealing with the situation. I wasn't going to tell anyone at work WHY we broke up, though I did tell a few people that we broke up. If everyone at work didn't know him, perhaps I would've told them what he did ... but everone there knows him and respects him and thinks he's a good person, and I wasn't about to ruin that for him. He IS a good person, and he deserves the good image people have of him. So I didn't tell anyone what was really going on. That made it difficult, though, because no one could really understand why we broke up. They all saw us as very happy together ... they didn't get why that would happen.


I realized after the whole thing that Boyfriend is my best friend. I knew it would be hard to live with him and not be together, but I also knew I could do it, because he really is my best friend. I thought about it, and I knew I would miss the couple parts of our relationship ... like cuddling, sleeping together, all the intimacy ... but I realized I still had the other parts to look forward to: hanging out, spending time together every day, watching movies ... the things I could do with my best friend. He realized I was his best friend too -- the way he put it, I don't judge him, and I listen to him.


So we were broken up. We decided that we would let things happen however they wanted to after that -- we wouldn't rush into a relationship again. I suggested we try a few dates, and he was okay with that. It was like we'd be starting at the start ... which is something we didn't really do in the first place. To be honest, I was worried that he'd take it as a "Yes! Time to be free and screw around!" time, but he assured me that he wouldn't.

On Thursday we started moving Boyfriend's stuff into our apartment. We spent the night together that night, just like we always did before. We couldn't help ourselves.

Now I don't know when exactly it happened, but Boyfriend decided that we SHOULD be together. I was just getting used to the idea of just being best friends who live together, and then he changed his mind (big surprise). I told him as soon as we got internet, I'd change my facebook from "in a relationship" to ... well, probably to blank. He said, "No, don't yet". He wasn't ready to admit he wanted to be with me again, because he still has that fear of hurting me, but it was pretty obvious that we were going to be.

Saturday was my moving day. We got the majority of my things moved in my 12:30 that day, and then Boyfriend and I both had the day off. It feels so good to finally live in the city, to take the train by myself, and really be a grown up. I'm appreciated now, more than I ever was with Aden's dad, and it feels amazing. I have been going to work by myself (which is something I honestly didn't think I could do so easily right off the bat), and I even went to meet Boyfriend downtown one day to bring him his keys ... and I did THAT on my own too!


And yes, Boyfriend and I are back together. We have our doubts this time around, it seems, because he doesn't necessarily trust himself anymore, and my jealousy issues are most likely going to go through the roof at some point (though I think that's to be expected given what happened), but we are a couple again. Or ... still. It never REALLY ended.

Aden hasn't come to stay with us yet -- we don't plan on it until August. I'm going back home to be with him on Sunday through to Tuesday, and I'm actually a little worried about not being here for those days ... but I'm trying not to think of that.

I have my fingers crossed that it doesn't get screwed up this time. I love Boyfriend more than anything, and he's made me happier more than anyone ever has. I might eventually get over him if it ever comes to that, but I think that would take longer than getting over anyone else ever did.


Ugh ... what a horrible week that was, not being together, always wondering, trying to figure out what slut ruined everything ... but I'm really trying not to focus on that.

Yes, I'm probably stupid for rushing right back into it and forgiving him so easily ... but I couldn't help it. I wasn't going to TRY to be mad when it couldn't just come naturally -- I just wanted to let whatever happen when it wanted to ... you know?


Hm ... how about a picture?



Here's Boyfriend and I, sitting in the stair well of our building while his phone was charging. We didn't have power in our apartment for the first day and a half, so we sat here for around an hour so he could charge it.

An Ugly Thing

Today, as it does almost weekly, jealousy has reared it's ugly head. I have jealousy issues for as long as I can remember. It never goes away. I don't know why it started, exactly, but I am not a fan. It only frustrates me and puts a strain on my relationship -- it's been like that with every one.

I'll explain my current jealousy.

Boyfriend has this friend, who happens to be a girl. She's nothing special. I don't want to toot my own horn here, but she's got nothing on me. I know I'm no great catch, but that just tells you that she's not one either. She's a nice enough girl, but that's one of the only things she's got going for her. She's not much to look at, and she's got issues of her own. So the fact that he's hanging out with a girl is not where this jealousy comes from.

She's a girl I've been hearing about for awhile, probably since we started our "relationship" -- and I put that in quotes because I'm talking about before our relationship was officially a relationship. By the sounds of it, she was a crazy bitch. It's no secret that she's got a thing for him, though if I asked her, I doubt she'd willingly admit it. He told her about me in the start -- back when I was "engaged" -- and she had a huge problem with it. She'd hear him flirting with me on the phone, and she'd steal his phone and read our dirty text messages ... and she'd then give him shit for flirting with "a mom who is engaged", as she'd put it. The first time Boyfriend and I ever spoke on the phone, she was over at his place, and I heard her bitching in the background. She ended up crying, followed by freaking out, stealing his phone, hanging up on me, and hiding it from him. Mature, right?

They stopped talking for a little while after that, because like I said, she's a crazy bitch. She takes jealousy to a whole new level and makes mine look completely tame. She makes my jealousy look like nothing at all. She wasn't going to have an effect on the relationship Boyfriend and I were starting, so she gave up after that.

They talked once in awhile occasionally on facebook, and then she decided they were going to hang out again. Well, this happened to fall on a day that Boyfriend and I were spending together, maybe a few weeks after we officially became a couple and were spending every weekend together, and some weekdays. I believe this was a Monday. He told me they had plans to hang out, but he didn't really care if she decided to cancel when she found out I'd be there too. So I was obviously okay with it. While we were together, she called to say she was on her way. He told her I was there, and guess what? She flipped. She began to yell at him on the phone, and I could hear every word she said. Boyfriend said to her, and I remember this very clearly, "What am I supposed to do? Tell my girlfriend not to come over because you and I are hanging out?" and she responded with "Yeah!" He told her off, basically, saying he wouldn't do that to his girlfriend, and she can come over if she wants, but I wasn't leaving. I think he hung up on her after that, and we weren't entirely sure if she'd be coming over still, though he had a feeling she would, in an attempt to ruin the day. Our two best friends were also coming over that day, and they showed up soon after the phone call. We hung out for a little while before Boyfriend's friend showed up, and well, it was awkward. She made no attempt to blend in with the group, and just made herself as unpleasant as possible. That night ended sorely, with Aden's dad threatening me, forcing me to go back home, which I'm sure pleased little Miss Crazy in some sick way. Our best friends offered to drive me home, and Boyfriend said he'd come too. I was unsure if I should stick around with him and his friend when our besties went to the car, so I followed them. After that, Boyfriend said she yelled at him quite a lot, and he wishes I would've stuck around so she couldn't do that.

Well, they stopped talking again for a little while after that -- it helped that Boyfriend got his phone cut off for a while. I didn't hear about her again until Boyfriend moved in with one of our friends last month. Then suddenly they began to hang out again, mainly because of necessity. Boyfriend didn't want to sit at our friend's parents' house by himself while our friend went to work, which is definitely understandable, so they started going to movies, mostly on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, or Thursdays, or a combination of the three. Our friend that he lives with works on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and I work on Wednesdays and Thursdays, so he's just sitting at home bored on those days. It makes sense that he'd want to get out of the house, and his crazy friend just happens to be his only other option of friend, really.

But still, necessity doesn't stop me from being jealous. Like I said before, she's not much of a catch, so that's not the reason I'm jealous. I'm jealous because she gets to spend time with the man of her dreams, while meanwhile, I have to wait until weekends to spend time with him. I know he's not doing anything to get her hopes up, but she isn't exactly ... in her right mind, so I can't help but wonder if maybe she's getting her hopes up anyway. And of course, since she's a thousand times more jealous than I am, she won't let him text me, not even once, when they're out together. She gets all angry and "crazy bitch" about it if he so much as checks his phone. So we don't talk, for somewhere around four hours at a time. It's not so bad on Wednesdays or Thursdays when I'm working during those four hours anyway, but on days like today, where I'm just sitting at home, those four hours seem like an eternity.

Yes, Aden is here with me right now, so you might think that would be a good enough time-waster for four hours. But you'd be wrong. You see, playing with Mr. "Totayo" Head, and watching Dumbo or 101 Dalmatians for literally hours on end gets VERY monotonous. I can only sit here with him for so long before I need something else to do. Texting Boyfriend while I sit with Aden is a very nice break in the monotony. It's always something I look forward to. Even when we're texting each other all day long, and the texts are pretty much the same old thing all day, I still look forward to it. So it stinks when it can't happen.

Now, let me just say that my jealousy issues have really lessened since I've been with Boyfriend. I just trust him more than anyone else I've been with before, I guess. The lack of crazy ex-girlfriends helps with that too. Yeah, he's got his fair share of chicks who like him (including the crazy he's with now), but I know he won't egg that on or do anything about it. I am dealing with the fact that most of his friends are girls, and most of them are desireable. I have never had a boyfriend who generally had girls as friends, but I think I'm doing okay with it. I can deal with the fact that he sees girls on a regular basis (not friends, just in general), and I can deal with him spending time with this particular one.

I am quite sure this will all change when he decides he's ready to live with me (here's hoping that's sooner, rather than later), because I'm quite sure that she won't be willing to spend time with us both, and I know he'll be content sitting at home by himself while I go to work. Until then, I know they'll continue seeing movies together (and I'll just have to hope there ones I don't want to see with him), and I'll just have to deal with it.

My goodness, jealous is an ugly thing.

Once Again, Things Change

Before I do anything else, I have to talk about my wonderful little boy.

That's okay with everyone, yes? Of course it is. He's wonderful.

Everytime I see him, it seems like he's capable of telling me more and more things. Last night, when I got home from work, he was still awake in my bed, so I laid with him and we talked for a little while. He told me about all the things he did lately, including seeing his Great Grandpa and seeing "two horsies!" He told me what the horsies say, and told me he also saw two bears and some dinosaurs. He told me a lot of things, and then he sang me his own version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, which goes something like this:

Twinkle twinkle twinkle twinkle twinkle twinkle
Little little little staaaaaaar!

I like it a lot better than the original, I think.

There are things he does every day that I just love too. He tells me he loves me and gives me kisses, all on his own. He tells me he wants to watch Toy Story or "The Train" (Dumbo). He'll say to me, "Am I Buzz Lightyear?" to which I respond, "Are you Buzz Lightyear?" and he says yes, throws his arms in the air and says, "To infinity, and beyond!" Very cute.

My point is, the child may drive me bonkers at times (being that he's two and all), but at the same time, I just LOVE the age he's at right now. I miss him so much on the days he's not here (despite how it seems on the outside), and I'm so happy he's here with me for two days in a row!



Anyhow, no, my blog entry for this evening will not be all about how awesome and wonderful my sweet child is, as much as I'm sure you'd all love that. I actually DO have an update for you all.

Once again, things have changed. In such a short time, we have gone from four of us "officially" having a place, to Boyfriend getting a place on his own and basically saying "screw it" to the rest of us, to Boyfriend getting his own place and our two friends getting a place together, leave me in the dust ... and, yes, it has changed ... AGAIN.

Earlier today, I told Boyfriend I'm afraid my parents want me gone, but that they obviously aren't going to kick me out since I have Aden. I assured Boyfriend that I would be fine and I would start looking for a basement suite or something I could afford on my own. I even started emailing some places in the city, and I called one place in town. Of course, to no surprise of my own, most places that only have one room available are not cool with me having Aden. One even went so far as to say "I'm okay with your kid, as long as he doesn't cry." Uh ... dude? He's two.

Anyway, yeah ... my search didn't really come back very ... successful, but that's fine. I have yet to hear back from some places, so I really wasn't worried. I told Boyfriend all of this, and he said he was worried, but I reassured him it would all be okay.

A little later, he asked me to move in. For real. He said it's kind of scary, moving forward like that, but he said it's better than what might've happened otherwise. He said if we didn't move forward, he thinks he'd end up leaving (or maybe I would). So moving forward it is! I must admit, I was REALLY jealous that he was getting his own place, and our two friends were getting one together ... and here I'd be, miserable at my parents' house. But that's changed, and now it looks like Boyfriend and I are going to be roomies again! Hooray!

He put a deposit down on a place yesterday, a two-bedroom apartment -- he was looking at two-bedroom places to keep options open for the future, but us moving in now works too. The only thing is, it might be an adults-only building, so we have to wait and see if it will actually work. If not, we might have to keep looking. Still, it's exciting!


Luckily for me, his decision couldn't come sooner.

My parents are continuing to push me over the edge. They won't outright say that they want me to move, but oh, they are making it VERY hard to live here. My dad basically lost it on me tonight, telling me he wanted to hit me and things like that. I don't even do anything to intentionally piss him off. It's just EVERYTHING I do. This particular time, it was me "having attitude" while talking to him.

It doesn't even matter. I'm leaving ASAP, and I doubt we'll have a very good relationship once I'm gone.



Ugh.

Change of Plans

So things have changed, as I'm sure you've guessed, judging by the title of this post.

Boyfriend had a little ... breakdown of sorts yesterday. At this point I'm still not sure what sparked it all, but needless to say, I was freaking out ... as freaking out is what I do best. I cried for a little while before I realized that it was stupid and things would most likely be fine in the morning. I eventually got to sleep, and that was that.

And I was right, today started off in a better mood ... until ...

I found out that Boyfriend decided he has a decision to make, about moving in. The poor man has been so stressed lately (nearly 50 days in a row of work, and counting, will do that to a person), us not getting that place just was the last straw, I guess. Oh right, I didn't blog about not getting the place we thought we had. Yeah, turns out the landlord was a huge BITCH and rented the place out right from under us. Of course, we were all pissed, and it just made Boyfriend think things through again.

Long story short, as of now, Boyfriend's choice is to postpone moving in ... hopefully not inevitably. He is looking at two-bedroom places to keep all possibilities open. I'm going to continue staying with him on weekends and when I can, like we've been doing since March, and with the two bedrooms, Aden and I can go for sleepovers sometimes together! AND with the two bedrooms, it'll keep the possiblity open of moving in in a few months time, if Boyfriend wants that. I'm hoping he will, but I'll try not to push.

Basically, we've decided (or maybe ... he's decided) that we're going to stop rushing. The way he puts it, we've got our whole lives ... why rush it now? I agree. Yes, I'm disappointed that I have to stay in my dad's house for who knows how long, but I wouldn't want him to feel forced into living with me either. It's just better this way.

I'm keeping on my happy face!

The Way Life Is

Well, the house that will be ours has been delayed another week. We were supposed to sign the lease on Sunday, but that didn't happen. Luckily the place is still potentially ours, we just have to meet the landlord again on this upcoming Sunday, when we can pay the entire deposit and the rent for the remainder of the month. Then we can sign the lease and get the keys, and we can start moving stuff in that night! I've probably got my hopes up higher than they should be, but I'm quite sure that this landlord won't back out on us, and I'm quite sure the place will still be ours next weekend.

Moving in is going to be a long and tedious process though, that's for sure. If we could've started this week, it would've been much easier. Next week, though, not so much. We all work on different days and at different times of day, so there's never a day when we're all off together. Our one future roomie starts her exams next week, so she'll probably be studying when she's not working. It'll be most convenient for Boyfriend and I to start moving stuff, but neither of us have a vehicle (and I can't drive), so that's out of the question. I'm sure we can probably move some stuff there from our friend's house, with the help of her dad, but it won't be much. My stuff will be the most difficult to move, being that I'm from a different city. I don't want to ask my dad for help even though he's the one with a regular-sized truck -- though I'll most likely ask him to move Aden's bed for me -- so it's gonna be hard. Maybe if we get everyone's vehicles (three cars and a very small truck) we can do the important stuff in one trip, but I doubt we'll get it all.

Hopefully we can get it done in a week though, or most of it anyway, because Aden's dad and I agree that Aden shouldn't come until we're more settled in. We agreed that he'll come after a week, because at least we'll be mostly settled by then, but now his dad's saying no, we have to be completely settled in before he comes. Well ... I'll obvoiusly be lying to him about when I'm settled, considering I have lived in one place for a year and a half before and never really settled in. Whatever ... Aden will come after a week, regardless of his dad's opinion.

And speaking of his dad ... he's also got to realize that meeting halfway to pick up/drop off Aden just isn't going to work with everyone's schedules. He'll have to bring him all the way most of the time, and we'll bring him all the way home at other times. He'll just have to suck it up.



And on a completely different subject, my sister is being a huge bitch. Yeah, I said it. She is, once again, acting like she's so much better than me, basically. She was like this when Aden's dad and I first broke up, calling me stupid, pretty much telling me she knew better than me and I was being an idiot. Now she's doing it again, and it was provoked by nothing. She has this attitude like she's been through much more than I have, and like she's so much wiser and knows so much more about life and the world. I don't know where the hell this attitude comes from, though, because she is completely wrong. She hasn't been through nearly as much life as I have, and she doesn't know anything about the world. She's 18, and she's just graduating high school in a week. She's lived in a small town her entire life, and she's basically sheltered from quite a bit. I, on the other hand, am almost 22 and have been through a heck of a lot more than she has. I have no clue why she thinks she is so much wiser than me. It's incredibly annoying and frustrating.

She's actually trying to "ban" me from going to her grad that I'm already invited to. As much as I hate her right now, I still want to go, since it's my baby sister's grad, but if I can't go, I can't go.

She'll eventually realize she's not as smart as she apparently thinks she is, but in the mean time, she had better keep her effing opinions to herself, and OFF of my facebook wall for all to see.

Ugh.

Finally!

It's (almost) official -- we have a house! We looked at it on Sunday and it's basically ideal for our needs. Three bedrooms, one and a half bathrooms, cute little end townhouse ... perfect! The townhouse complex it's in is HUGE, so it's got quiet little streets where we can play and not worry. We've got a nice little deck in the back, so even though the backyards are all attached, that'll be nice for some privacy. There's enough room back there so Aden can play and have a good time too.

We're going to meet the landlord on Sunday so we can sign the lease and figure everything out, and then the soonest we'll be moving in is ... in like a week and a half! How exciting is that?! After all the searching and all the bad luck, we finally found some good luck. Excellent luck, even. We found a perfect place for an even better price and an awesome landlord -- nicest lady ever, seriously. Before we know it, we'll all be living together like one happy little family, me and my boyfriend and our besties and Aden ... how cute.

On a side note (pardon my pathetic girliness here), I miss Boyfriend, and I can't wait until we live together so I don't have to miss him during the week!

Garage Sale, etc.

I'll say it right now: I'm a packrat, and I'm not ashamed. Because of that, I HATE garage sales. Don't get me wrong, I'll gladly go to one and see if there's any useless thing I can buy, especially now that I'm house-hunting ... but I will NEVER have one of my own. At least, not at this point. I can't stand the thought of getting rid of things. Throwing it out, passing it on to someone else, selling it ... it doesn't matter, I DON'T like it.

My parents had a garage sale this weekend, for which they graciously accepted everyone else's stuff to sell. They are putting all the money from it towards MS, so they were totally willing to take everything they could. This included a whole bunch of Aden's past -- actually, huge chunks of it -- that his dad so pleasantly gave them. Needless to say, I was PISSED. I have told him so many times that I don't want to keep EVERYTHING, but there were specific things I DID want to keep. Mainly clothes (not all of them, just the best ones), his bouncy seat because my sister got it for him, and his mobile because my mom got it for him, and a few other things. Nothing big, nothing that would've been a huge inconvenience for him to give to ME instead of the garage sale ... but no no, of course it was too much to ask, and he couldn't LISTEN to my wishes.

I don't even want to ask what my parents sold that was Aden's. I know they had the crib and mattress, which I didn't want to keep anyway ... but I don't know what else actually went into it. This morning, I found out they opened a new toy for Aden to play with that he got for his birthday THREE months ago, and know what? Someone put it on a table and sold it. He got to play with it once. I bet he loved it too. It was a dinosaur toy -- he LOVES dinosaurs. And it's gone.

Okay, so the level of my packrat-ness is a little extreme, but still. Aden's dad KNOWS I want another kid someday, so I WANTED to keep some of Aden's stuff to pass on. But no, as his mother, I apparently get no choice. Why should I, right? I'm selfish and a horrible mother. At least ... if you ask him, I am.

Ugh ... I'm just sick of this. That jerk has GOT to stop upsetting me. It's pointless. He's just pissed that life isn't going the way he wants, and he's taking it out on me. He constantly texts me when he knows I'm gone on the weekends, and tries to make me feel bad, and then threatens my parenthood when I either don't reply, or don't have a ridiculously pleasant attitude when I text him back. Of COURSE I won't be pleasant when you're treating me like shit, jackass! Anyway ... he starts threatening my following week with Aden, saying he won't bring him by ... blah, blah, blah ... all because he's mad that I'm staying with my boyfriend that weekend. It's extremely annoying, and unnecessary.

It's got to end one day, right? He'll get over it eventually when he realizes, with the rest of the world, that it's not just a quickie and we're in it for the long run. REALLY. He can't hold this stupid grudge forever, can he?

Dammit ... so frustrated ...

Growing Up

So guess what came back? My baby fever. And it's back with a vengeance. It went away before the break up -- well, it went into hiding, anyway -- but now ... oh boy.

My parents are having a garage sale tomorrow, and Aden's dad is determined to put ALL of Aden's old baby stuff in there. I've been telling him basically since Day 1 that I'm NOT getting rid of all of it, because it's sentimental stuff to me now, and not only that, but I WILL have another baby someday. I said right from the start that I would, even if it wasn't with him. And now, my next baby won't be with him, but I still want to keep some of Aden's stuff! I don't want to hang onto all of it, and he knows that, but I do want some of it ... like the better clothes, and the special things my family got for him. I don't want the crib, none of the stuff we got second hand ... but the new things we had, I wanted to keep.

Anyway, when I was leaving for work last night, I saw Aden's old crib and mattress leaned up in the garage, waiting to be sold to someone on Saturday. I wanted to cry. I don't want to keep the crib -- we just got it for like $20 at a garage sale -- but still! It was Aden's for a year and a half, and now it'll just ... be gone. Don't get me wrong, it's going towards a good cause (all the money from the garage sale is going to the MS Walk), so I'm willing to sell SOME things, but it's an emotional thing to let go of that stuff! It wouldn't be so bad if I thought I'd have some things to hang on to, like the clothes and the things I wanted to keep from the start, but Aden's Dad is determined to get rid of ALL of it. I've asked him so many times to PLEASE not get rid of the clothes and some other things, but he keeps conveniently "forgetting" that and he's supposedly packed it all up together to be sold. I'm so upset about it.

I mean, I want to get some new things next time I have a baby, because it'll be a new baby from a new family ... not 100% Aden's younger brother or sister. It'll be part of something brand new, so it'll be good to have brand new things ... but still! There are some special things from Aden's past that I just ... don't want to go to some stranger! Maybe I'll ask my parents to please keep that stuff aside for me. They won't have to store it long, they know I'm planning to move. My parents don't necessarily understand my attachment to stuff -- I've always been a packrat and they don't get it -- but maybe they'll do this one thing. It's not like I'm asking to keep everything. Just one or two bins of baby stuff. No biggie, right?

Ugh ... time to move on ... that subject just upsets me to no end.


Anyway, after I saw that crib in the garage yesterday, baby fever just ... attacked. I mean, I think everyone who works on the baby side at my work gets baby fever now and then, and it's probably worse for some than it is for others ... and I definitely get it pretty bad sometimes ... but yesterday was like a whole new level of baby fever. The crib just started it all ... and then work made it worse. I swear, I have never seen so many babies under the age of, say, three months in one night. ESPECIALLY since it was a Thursday night and it was rainy out. It was insane how many newborns were around. And they did NOT help the situation. Luckily one of my besties was working on my side and I could talk to her about it. It was NOT an easy shift, and I have a feeling it's not going to get easier.

I know, I should just enjoy being a mom to one, enjoy the stage Aden's at, blah, blah, blah ... but you know, it's kind of hard to do that when I only get to see him half as much as I used to. It'd be kind of nice to have a little baby around to make the in-between times nicer ...

Ah! I've got to stop!

New subject anyone?


Houses! That's a good subject!

I've emailed people about ... let's see ... five different places now, and gotten three emails back. Two saying we can see the place (just waiting for another response from them to see when), and one saying the places has been rented (but he'll let me know if they back out). If I don't hear back from the first two today, I'll be calling them to set a time, hopefully this weekend, where we can see the places. And then hopefully we can get one of them!

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but that's not easy. I have to get out of here, Boyfriend is getting kicked out of his places on Tuesday, or something, and our friends ... well they just want to do it. I just don't want to live here anymore. My parents are interfering with the way I want to parent, and I can't stand it. I know my friends won't do that, and if they do, I won't be scared to tell them back off. But my parents ... their way of getting in the way is just ... annoying. They don't straight up tell me what to do, but they make their opinions known and it just drives me bonkers. I have to get out of here before I lose it, pretty much. I need to feel like I'm a grown-up, and to do that, I need to get out from under my parents' roof!


I've just got so much on my mind lately ... so my apologies if half of my blog entries make no sense, or if I seem like I'm just rambling for the sake of rambling. This is the best way to get a lot of this shit off my chest lately!