A Better Me ... But For Who?

So ... a lot has happened in the past months that's triggered a change. The base of all this, of course, is Richard (formerly "Boyfriend" -- I'm referring to him by name now, as I really don't know what to call him anymore). It's probably not a good thing to say that a guy is the reason I changed my life ... but it's entirely true. He's the reason I ended my previous relationship, he's the reason my work life got so much better, he's the reason I moved out of my parents' house, he's the reason I'm becoming more independent ... it was all him. Yeah, it was probably deep down inside me all along, but still, it was him who brought it out. I'd love to tell you that I started it all myself, or that I did it all for Aden, but that's just not the case. I fell crazy in love with someone and that changed everything for me.

And I'm currently still changing too. I mentioned that I'm becoming more independent ... and I am. It's a work in progress. Five months ago, when our relationship was just getting off the ground, I can definitely say that I was completely different person then. Well ... still the same person ... just ... I didn't act twenty-one. I acted ... like a child, I guess you could say. It wasn't good. I had never really realized how dependent I was on other people until Richard even pointed it out to me. I knew I wasn't independent and I couldn't stand on my own two feet ... but I didn't realized how bad it really was. Richard told me the other day that my inability to be independent really scared him -- he said he had no idea that someone could be that dependent on others.

And now? Well now I'm completely different. Now, I go places alone. I take the train and then a bus to work, all by myself. I leave without someone telling me when I have to, and I get to work on time. When Richard and I started dating, I couldn't get anywhere alone. I didn't know how to take busses and trains (cause I wasn't from here), but I was afraid to learn. Now, I have completely let go of that fear, and I do it on my own every day. It probably isn't a big deal to anyone else, but I love it. I love how the independance makes me feel. And it doesn't hurt that Richard has said he's proud of me too. It made me cry when he told me that. Not only do I get to work alone, but I've gone downtown alone, and I walk to the store when I need something, and anywhere I need to go! I can get there ... myself.

Now ... I don't know if anyone recalls, or if I even talked about it enough for anyone to recall ... but one of the major problems I had with Aden's dad was that our house wasn't clean. He blamed me for all the issues going on in our house -- dishes never being done, laundry never being touched, toys never picked up ... it was all my fault. That was by far one of the biggest problems we had. Though I wouldn't admit it to him, or anyone, I was quite sure it was entirely my fault that our house was in the shape it was in. He blamed me, and I did too. I knew full well that he could've helped out around the house, despite working full-time, but I still knew that I was the one home every day, doing fuck all.

And what about now? Well, we've lived here for three weeks now, and our apartment has yet to become unbearably messy -- even a little bit. The worst I've let it get is letting clean laundry sit in the basket for a day or two before I fold it, or letting a few dishes sit out for a bit longer than I should. But I haven't let it get out of control yet, and I don't intend to. So as it turns out, it wasn't entirely my fault that our house was messy when I lived with Aden's dad. See, Richard, he appreciates the things that I do. He says thank you and doesn't EXPECT it to all be done by the time he gets home. Who knew that being so positive about it would actually make me WANT to clean? Same with cooking ... I always wanted to cook when I was with Aden's dad, but it was never appreciated, so it didn't make it all that fun. Here, I can't wait until I can buy food to cook ... I look forward to it so much. Positive reinforcement ... gotta love it.

So what's left to change? Well, I'm working on the independence thing (and loving it), I'm working on dealing with missing Aden (and I'm afraid that will never get any easier), and one of the hardest things: I'm working on being less clingy. But yeah ... totally not making any progress there. Aaaanyway! I also want to look into going back to school (I've even decided what I can go to school for) and obviously into financial help for school, but I need help with those ones. I think once I get into that, obviously the independence thing will really take off, and maybe I can just be happier in my own life, rather than wishing things were slightly different.

I mean ... I SHOULD be happy shouldn't I? Granted, I don't get to see my son nearly as much as I'd like, I need more hours at work, and I'm living in a situation that tends to be awkward some of the time ... but I really have to stop focussing on those things and think more about the good things I have going on. Like ... I may not get to see Aden as much as I'd like, BUT I still see him three days a week and I love those days. I may need more hours at work, but I'm still working five nights a week and I'm still making enough to pay rent (if I don't spend spend spend). Plus I still enjoy my job and I've had it for a year! I may be living in an awkward situation, but I love our apartment, I'm living with my best friend, and I get to do my own thing every day. Aside from that, I have awesome friends who love me and care about me getting hurt, I have the greatest son in the world, I'm working out almost every day and feeling good about my appearance, and I'm changing things for myself.

But the question is ... who am I REALLY changing for? AM I changing things for myself? Is it all to make myself happier with my own life? Or is it for someone else? Could I be changing things so I can be a better mother for Aden? Of course then there's the obvious reason ... could I be changing things so Richard will want me back? After all, he is the one who triggered all the changes. There are some days where I start thinking that all the changes I have made have been for nothing, because he doesn't want to be with me after all. I know that's not true, cause I am so much happier with myself now ... but it's crossed my mind more than once. Am I working out so he'll remain attracted to me? Am I trying to be independent so he'll be proud of me? Do I want to go to school so he'll see me as a grown up?

Ugh ... I really have to get my mind off of all this, and just be happy! But I guess that's easier said than done.