Turning Twenty Two

It's October 1st today, which means my birthday is in 30 days.  In 30 days, I am going to be older.  In 30 days, I will be 22.  Still 30 days and that fact is already starting to get to me.  I never believed it when people said that when you get older birthdays are less... awesome, because I have always LOVED my birthday.  I don't even really know why, because I haven't had that many birthdays that stand out in my mind as amazing... I guess I just really enjoy that day.  I count down to it, I look forward to it... it's the best day of the year!

But starting yesterday, I started to really think about it.  I am going to be 22 this year.  I have turned 18, I have turned 21... and now, nothing.  Just 22.  It wouldn't be so bad if I FELT 22, but I definitely don't.  21, maybe, but not 22.  When you're 22, you should be maybe graduated from college, or at least on your way to it.  You should be ... at least mostly sure of what you want to do with your life.  You should have a few years of working under your belt, at least.  You should be paying rent and bills and squeezing your way through life financially.  You should be enjoying yourself and just living life before you have to find a man and settle down and have kids.

22 for me is going to feel like a failure.  I have never considered college until recently, and I can't even afford to apply.  I have no clue what to do with my life, and I never have.  In total, I have maybe 2 years of working under my belt.  I have had 4 jobs since I was 16.  That might be impressive if each of those jobs lasted around a year, but that is not the case.  It was about 2 months on, a year off... 6 months on, 18 months off... 4 months on, 10 months off... a year on, and so far, 2 months off -- NOT impressive.  I should be working a "real" job, not looking for a job a fucking 16 year old can do.  I have contributed to rent ONCE in the two and a half months since we moved here, and I haven't been able to pay my phone bill since I got fired.  If it weren't for Richard, I wouldn't be squeezing through at all.  Not even slightly.  I cry almost every day, at least a little bit, and I can't make myself enjoy things the way I should.  I have found a man but I can't have him, and he's all I can think about like I'm a damn teenager with a crush.  I cannot settle down until all the other steps are completed -- steps I have not even started.  And I already have a child... I just suck at being his mother.

And that's just the start of it all.  I have a feeling the next month is going to be terrible for me.  It's going to feel like the countdown to the end.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ... BOOM!!  FAILURE!!!