Depression

So up until recently, I was pretty sure I was bipolar. It runs in my family, and my mom was always sure I had it to. She even brought it up to my doctor, but I never wanted to be diagnosed. So went undiagnosed, sort of just assuming that I was. It never seemed too serious if I did have it, so I really wasn't too worried about getting it diagnosed or taken care of. When I was a teenager I felt that if I got rid of that part of me, it would be like getting rid of part of personality. I don't really feel that way now, in particular, but I guess that stayed part of it for awhile.

I stopped thinking I was bipolar awhile ago though, around the time of my break-up with Aden's dad ... and possibly before. I just realized that it wasn't ME making me have mood swings ... it was everything in my life, really. It wasn't a part of my personality after all ... it was really just an affect of everything going on around me.

Now, though, I think there's something "wrong" again. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. If I am, it certainly isn't a serious amount of depression, but it's there just the same. I'm obviously not an expert on depression or bipolar, but I think there's a fine line between the two. Because not only does bipolar run in my family, but depression does too. So now, given how things have been lately (and in my whole life, actually) I'm pretty positive that depression is my issue.

I know I should probably go to my doctor and really get diagnosed, but I dunno ... I really don't want to. At least not just yet. He put both my sisters on antidepressents this year, and I really don't know how they both like it. My one sister told me that it's easy to get hooked on them, and hard to be weaned off ... so I'm kind of scared of that. I used to avoid taking any kind of medication, really. I was even hesitant once upon a time to go on birth control! So yeah ... I'm really hesitant to talk to my doctor about it, because I'm sure he'll jump right to drugs to take care of the problem.

So I'm looking into natural remedies for it first, to see if I can make myself feel a little better about things on my own. I know that exercise can help, and I've been doing a lot of that lately. It's not really a long-lasting effect, but it helps me get through my day anyway. Then there's changes in your diet that can help too -- healthier food, obviously, and I think I'll get myself some vitamins so I can still get what I'm missing from my usual diet. If those don't help, I'll try something else. There are several different "natural" ways to help with depression (not serious depression, but just mild cases, like what I think I have) ... so hopefully I can find something, or a combination of things, that will work.

Not only that, but changing things for myself helps me feel pretty good too. I got a money order for my transcripts the other day, I've got the form to get my transcripts, and as soon as those are sent, I'm applying for school. I'll apply for the January semester so I have time to work my ass off before that, and hopefully come 2011, I'll be a college kid! It feels awesome to think that I could really be doing something with my life ... even if it is just an Administrative Professional Certificate!

Hopefully I start to feel better about things here soon. I mean ... don't get me wrong. I have a lot of good days ... but the bad days ... they can get pretty harsh.

Here's to feeling good soon!