Change is ... Good?

As if I wasn't bipolar enough before, I sure as hell am now. It's only been a couple of days since Break Up #2, and already, I've been up and down several times. I've had a few breakdowns, but I've mostly kept them to myself. I wait until I'm alone to cry, so no one can make it worse. I cried with uh ... Roomie last night, and all it did was annoy him, which resulted in making it worse.

At the same time, I've had a few moments where I was extremely elated and just ... happy. I'm not sure where it came from, but people were a little confused. Of course not everyone knows about the second break-up, in fact hardly anyone does, so it's not unusual for me to be happy ... except when I was kinda bummed only moments before. It's been awhile since I've had such severe ups and downs, and I really hope I can get it under control before anyone sees something too out of the ordinary. I was glad to be able to say that yeah, I may be bipolar (don't actually know but there's a pretty huge chance of it) but I can keep it under control too. So much for that now! I can do a pretty good job of faking it, though I'm sure that's not exactly something to be proud of.

I'm really trying to get a grip on what's most important in my life right now: first of all, of course, there's Aden. He's my number one priority. Right after him comes me. Trying to be happy without needing someone else, and trying to get my life back on track. I have to try to be ME without being with someone else. I can do it, I know I can, I just really need to be strong. The hardest part of losing Roomie as my boyfriend is that I have changed so much for him and because of him ... but I'm starting to realize that I don't have to lose the person I've become just because I'm not WITH him. He's still my best friend, he's still in my life ... and he's still here to support me and help me figure it all out. He pushed me to be come more self-sufficient, which is something I'm still getting the hang of, and I know he'll continue to do that in his own way.

Granted, I've noticed he does have his way of tearing me down too, though it may be unintentional. He needs to realize that I am not bouncing back from this nearly as well as he is, and I do need the emotional support to get to where I should be. He can't just go and disrespect everything that's happened and just make me feel bad ... no, he has to just give me some time, and take some time himself to be ... himself.

So anyway, I'm kind of ... trying to figure out where I want to go from here. I'm trying now to become my own person, not someone that a specific person can love ... just someone that I can love. I started working out the last two days, which makes me feel great ... I dyed my hair (it's now a strawberry blonde sort of shade, instead of brown), and I'm trying to be more confident with it all. I can do that. I know I can. I used to be unique and confident and comfortable in my own skin. I'm quite sure I can be there again. Along with all that stuff comes trying to figure out my future. Roomie is going to help me look into colleges, since he's been there and done that, and I trust and respect his opinion. Since it's already July I doubt I can go in the fall, but I guess we'll see! I don't know what I'd LOVE to be at this point in my life (even though I'm almost twenty-one), but I know what I CAN do. I'd like to look into business administration or whatever it's called -- I know I'm capable of doing that. And maybe I won't love it, but hey, it's something. I have realized that everything doesn't have to be planned and structured -- if I end up not liking it I can always look into something else. I just really want to make a good life for MYSELF and Aden and not always have to have a man around to support me. I know I can do that. I'm a strong woman, even though some things in my past have made me less than that ... the strong woman was just bottled up inside somewhere, and now she wants to come out!


Hm ... pep talks are good ...