Down in the Dumps

I'm feeling less-than-happy lately, and it's something I can't seem to shake.

I don't know what exactly has me feeling so down... I know I really shouldn't feel that way. I have a lot of good stuff going on right now. Tyler is amazing, things with Aden aren't perfect but I have plans to make them better... work is going wonderfully and a promotion is still on the horizon, though not in my hands yet. I'm trying to lose weight and even though the numbers aren't showing it yet, it seems to be working... and that's a good thing too. I'm making more money and can actually afford things now (even though I probably shouldn't). Things are generally going very well... so what exactly has me feeling so bummed out lately?

Every day it hits me, more or less. Yesterday I was full on crying about the way I look, and today I had a thirty-minute bawl-fest about not having graduated with a really close-knit group of friends I grew up with. What the hell is wrong with me?

I find myself not having a lot of confidence lately... mostly when I'm home alone or just with Tyler. It's getting pretty bad, and I'm not sure why. He makes me feel good, so where is it coming from? And for some reason, I even have days where I don't have that much faith in my relationship either. It's like I'm missing something... but what? The only thing that I don't get from Tyler that I got in the past was constant bickering (if not worse than that) and that's not really something that one should miss. I don't get it. I know I miss... the past, but I also know I shouldn't. I know that so well. What is wrong with me...?

As for work, I'm trying so hard to rise above everything else and prove that I deserve what I want and what others seem to want for me... but on bad days like this, how do you remember that you deserve it? How do you feel good no matter what and just leave the bad shit at home? It's damn near impossible when you're as emotional a person as I am.

Who do I talk to? No one in my life anymore really understands THAT part of me. My friends at work weren't close with me until after I cleaned up most of the garbage in my life. Tyler didn't come along until I was feeling a lot better. Sure, there are people I've known through all that... but no one I've ever felt close enough to tell my innermost thoughts to. We know who that one person was, and we know that one person just isn't as present in my life anymore, and isn't even supposed to be.

Is this what being a grown up is? Choosing typical happiness and being "complete" over someone you considered the best friend you ever had in your life? Why the fuck can't I have both?

Anyway...

I have no idea what to do. I CAN'T have both. It's impossible, apparently. People can't live double lives, with or without consent... you can't do it. You can't take a vacation from your life in exchange for another one. You can't have two favourite people in your life who butt heads. You can't be happy in every way you want.

Yeah, I've done A LOT to get to my own happiness... but now what?

Ugh... this doesn't even make any sense.

Happy Birthday to My Aden

My little man was born approximately four years, one hour and forty minutes ago.  Probably longer by the time I'm done writing this... but whatever.

I have a really hard time with Aden's birthday - not being able to see him on this day is hard.  And there's nothing I can even to do TRY and see him today, and that's even worse.

I feel like a lousy mother, not being able to get the time off... but I guess that's my fault for not thinking ahead and booking the evening off - then again, would his dad even have let me take Aden for any time on his birthday?  Now, sure, since he's being oddly nice to me lately... but when I would've been able to book the day off over a month ago... probably not.  I guess I was just hoping to end up with the evening off... and then the schedule got posted sooner than usual, and then it was out of my control.

But luckily, Aden's dad made an oddly nice move and invited both of us (yes, both of us) to Aden's birthday party tomorrow - but of course, I'm working.  He invited us too late for me to book the time off - and no one will ever take my shifts when I beg them to, even though I almost always say yes when someone asks me. But, that's besides the point.

I'm off work at three thirty tomorrow, and then Tyler and I are going straight to where the party is.  Aden's dad said they'll probably be swimming until dinner time, so I'm hoping we'll be able to see him for at least a few minutes... hug him, kiss him, etc.  His dad said we can come swimming... but that's not really my thing.  Had I gotten lucky enough to be closing that day, we would've gone for the cake/presents part... but not the swimming.

I definitely cried for a good twenty minutes last night about not being able to see Aden today.  I just got off the phone with him... but as usual, he wanted to talk for only a few minutes.  I told him happy birthday and he told me what Erin got him for his birthday.  Thanks bud.

I can't wait until the next weekend he's here - we got him his favourite video game, Skylanders, for here, and he'll get some other gifts from my family.  We're going to have a few people over and have cake.  It won't be a big swimming party like his dad's but it will be just as fun.

I just have to focus on that instead of being sad.

Growing Up

Tyler and I are officially getting a new place.  It will be OUR place... with OUR stuff.  I'm so excited!!

Right now, we live in a very small one-bedroom place... which is a little cramped with two of us here, and a lot cramped when Aden is here.  So we, actually Tyler, decided that we should get a bigger place.  And then he decided that WE should pick out new furniture.  And he got rid of some stuff he decided I didn't like... so we can pick out more new things together.  That man... he sure treats me well.  I know he shouldn't spend more money, but it feels so nice to be treated to some spoils once in awhile!  I have never been with a man who thought I deserved the world... and actually wanted to give it to me.  I honestly didn't think there were guys out there who did stuff like this without thinking they had to... without being with a woman who had them whipped and DEMANDED the world.

I always feel guilty, because sometimes Tyler seems like he doesn't actually want things to change... like I make him do these things... even though I know that's not true.  I never want him to think I'm the kind of girl who demands things... and will never be happy if I don't get the things I want.  I think I'm pretty low-maintenance when it comes to that kind of thing.  I react weirdly when things are bought for me... I was never spoiled as a kid... I don't know how to be spoiled.  I know how to live off the bare minimum and how to get by on what I make - this, the way Tyler treats me?  This a whole new experience to me... but it's something I think I can get used to.  Being treated this well is something every woman should get!

Anyway, getting a little off track here...

I feel so GROWN UP lately!  He suggested that we get a bigger place, and we went ahead and made the choice together.  He suggested we get new furniture, and we picked out stuff we both liked - I have never had furniture that wasn't hand-me-down stuff, so this is definitely the most exciting part to me!  This weekend, we're going to pick out (and most likely buy) Aden's furniture.

This will be the first time I've ever been able to give him his very own room, and that's DEFINITELY the part I'm BEYOND excited about!!  Aden deserves the best... and I don't like that it will be Tyler who pays for it, but just being able to provide Aden with his own space, that will be amazing.  Tyler is almost as excited as I am, I think.  I'm pretty sure that he never thought he'd be this adult, and I didn't think I would either.

And someday, when I'm making more money than I am now, I'll pay him back for it all... because he's been so amazing to me.

Sometimes, it feels pretty damn good to have something to brag about. :)

Better

I can't believe I couldn't think to mention my possible promotion when I was trying to figure out what to blog about yesterday!!

I've been thinking for awhile that I could really be WSL for my department at work. WSL = World Sales Leader, which is pretty much a supervisor ..or sort of a buffer between customers as well as floor people, and assistant managers. They have more responsibilities and more say in what goes on. I can totally do that.

I've been thinking about it at least since Christmas season started, and then it became even more apparent after the baby manager left, leaving us with just a (shitty) assistant manager, and no one to help us out when just the (shitty) assistant manager was away. I started thinking that I could really do it, I just had to get up the courage to ask about it.

Finally last week I got balls.

I went to the manager who is in charger of stuff like that, and said to her that I think we need a WSL, and she agreed and said I would be great for it. *beam*

She said she has seen me grow and get better and all this stuff that I'm so glad she noticed. I told her I know the baby assistant manager would be so against me getting it, but luckily she feels the same way I do about the baby manager, and said she really has no say.

I asked her to make me a list of stuff I can improve on, and she said she would.

I talked to her a couple days later and she told me she had talked to the head manager of the store, and he said he thought it was a good idea too, and se can prep me for it. Yay!

She made me a list with only a few things I need to improve - easy.

So I feel like at the end of February, when the big interview will happen, WSL will be all mine. :)



Also, I feel like a huge bitch. Tyler is being so sweet and thoughtful, as usual, and I just can't stop being selfish and bitchy. Couldn't tell you why, I just...am. I don't want to lose him...but if I keep unintentionally making him feel not-so-good, that's exactly what will happen. I love him do much...if I lose him over something I don't mean, it will be all my fault, and I'll have lost the best thing that's ever happened to me, as far as men go.

We're supposed to be (I think) getting a bigger place, which means Aden will get his own room...FINALLY...but even though Tyler said he wants it, I get the feeling he isn't so sure.



So things overall are getting better, and I really hope Tyler and I can shake whatever it is we have going on here...

Slow

This year has gotten off to a really slow start. It's only the 10th and I feel like it should be much later than that. It probably has something to do with only working like three days a week instead of six or seven. It's not a lot but I'll take it for now...I needed the break.

It finally feels like winter today. We've only had a few days that have felt the way they should...and today isn't as cold as this time of year should be but it's certainly colder than the 10 we got up to yesterday and the 11 the days before. In fact it's like 20 degrees colder...brr!

It's been a tough past couple days. I spent Sunday night crying in Tyler's arms over the whole year-since-the-abortion thing. I don't really know why I was crying...I guess it was just hard to think about. He said to try and focus on the future instead of the past...but it's not always that easy. I just tried to think about how different things would be now if I hadnt made that choice.

I would probably be miserable with Richard. I can't guarantee that he would've changed like he has because we had a kid together. I sure feel like he wouldn't. I would probably still be in counseling. I would have probably still met Tyler again, but he would have never been that interested in someone with TWO kids, even though he was pretty intoxicated when we met.

In the end, I still believe I made the best choice for everyone. No doubt in my mind.

Goodbye, 2011

I realize this post is a little late, but better late than never, right? I have decided to try and use my weekly bus rides for Aden time wisely, and I'll blog. Hopefully it works out!

Things are still going pretty well. I started to get a little stressed as Christmas got closer, because I working so often, I didn't have time to clean a lot...I was doing all my Christmas shopping on my breaks! But now all that is over and I can focus on life.

I'm trying to get into a better routine for being a better live-in girlfriend. I've realized that moving in with someone is a lot different than getting a place with someone. This way, the moving in way, I feel like I have to do things his way....even though I know that's not true, and as long as things are clean and whatever it shouldn't matter.

Anyway, I would like to bid adieu to 2011. No more updating for right now...just a bittersweet goodbye.

The year was tough, as anyone reading this would realize.

It started out with me pregnant, more depressed than ever, and very much alone. I was about to get fired, I was not seeing Aden, and I was very scared. January was, though I didn't know it yet, the start of major improvements.

About a year ago exactly (I think on the 8th or 9th) I got the abortion. I will never forget and I will always think of the one I let go of. Sometimes I get emotional thinking about it, but I try not to regret. I am convinced that I will be blessed with that same soul later in life. I know that sounds cheesy, but that's always how I've felt.

Spring was a blur. It was filled with court dates, waiting for counseling, and lots of stress. I got a job I hated and that didn't help with the depression. It was spring, but winter seemed to last until May. It was sheer misery.

May seemed to be a turn around point for me. I quit my job and went back to the only one I ever really loved: Toys R Us. I was not working close to home but I was in the city and that alone seemed to be a huge improvement.

Time with Aden became more frequent as court dates went on. It helped my depression a lot just to have my child around me more often. I will never again go back to what it was before that. Ever.

At the end of July I met Tyler again. I was probably at my highest point I had been at all year, and I'm certain that my amazing attitude has something to do with our immediate attraction. We clicked right away, and I could practically feel good things for the future.

My court dates ended soon after that. That felt like a huge win for me. Things were finally going in my favor!

Tyler and I made things official on August 27th. I'm not much for remembering dates, but he did, and now it's in my brain for good. It felt nothing but right, despite the way Richard looked at it.

I won't deny that Richard was a huge part of 2011. He was. I won't ever forget how he was there for me, to fix all the things he had a hand in ruining. I haven't mentioned him much because I just figure it was a given than he was there.

October, right before my birthday, marked the end of counseling. My counselor dubbed me much better, and capable of handling my own emotions. And, despite one bad encounter, I haven't even considered going back.

The last few months have been nothing but (mostly) traveling upward. Obviously I moved in with Tyler at the start of December, and things are only going to get better from here.

So what does 2012 hold for me?

I have a few goals. No resolutions, but things I'm looking forward to.

First, focusing on myself, Aden, and Tyler. No roommates with feelings or whatever for me.

I'm going to get my license so I can dream of buying a car. Driving will get me more time with Aden. Closer to half and half is my ultimate goal here. And since I'm healthy and capable of making more money, this is not an I reachable goal.

I would like to apply for the August semester of school. I was going to before the move, but obviously I got distracted. There is still time though!

I'm also excited to see where things go with Tyler...I have a feeling it's gonna be a really good year for us!

2011 was about fixing what was broken, and 2012 is going to be about improving on what is fixed. I'm determined and I know I'm more than capable. :)

A Quick Update

Obviously my previous promise to blog more often did not work out...since that was in what, September? And it's now a week and a half until Christmas! I guess you could say things got pretty crazy after that!

Richard went...berserk. Even after giving me the okay to date. Not that I needed his permission, but I felt as a respectful friend I should really talk to him about it first. So, I did, he okayed it, and in the end, he was miserable. Told me he was still in love with me and wanted nothing more than to get me back. And apparently he had told this to everyone but me. That made things rather difficult on my part, because I had fought so long and so hard to get him back...only to be turned down repeatedly. Finally, I decided to date Tyler. Finally...I realized it was never going to happen, and then I find out I was wrong?

Well of course I had two choices from there: go with what I know (and what I know can hurt me) or go with something new and, to my knowledge, something that is capable of honesty. So I went with the latter: Tyler.

Obviously my friendship with Richard got extremely rocky after that.

But let's jump ahead, shall we?

Richard kicked me out. He gave me a bullshit money excuse, but I know that's not it. After trying to find a million different options, I'm now living with Tyler. I was terrified to make this leap - terrified it was the wrong choice, that it wouldn't go well straight off the bat. But I was wrong. This is the least stressed I've ever been during a move and things are going amazingly. I'm truly in love with this man and I really see a future here!

I was also worried about how things would go here with Aden, but you know what? The first weekend was perfect. Tyler has really stepped up and is completely comfortable with Aden. It's taken a lot of effort on his part to get there, but I know it won't always. Aden is comfortable with him now too, which thrills me to no end!

I'm seeing Prince with Tyler tonight, which, if you know me at all, you know that's my lifelong dream! And I don't even have to leave the city to do it!! I cannot wait! Two more hours and I'll be seeing the Purple One live in all his glory!

More later, it's dinner time!

:)