So since it was Friday, Boyfriend and I obviously had plans to spend the night together once I was off work. For whatever reason, I had good feelings about that night, and I was very excited to see him. He, however, shot down those good feelings, and claimed he "had a feeling" it wouldn't be a good night.
Well his feelings were dead-on, since he knew damn well it wouldn't be a good night. He came to meet me and work and I started to feel like something was off when we left. He was acting very loving towards me, which isn't necessarily out of the ordinary for him, but I could tell something was up. I asked what was going on, but he refused to tell me anything until we were home.
We eventually stopped talking much on the way home, because I just wanted to know what was wrong and he would not tell me. Once we FINALLY got home (which was still our friend's parents' place at the time), I couldn't wait anymore. He asked if I wanted him to tell me what was going on first, or if I wanted to watch Friends for a bit. Well duh ... of course I wanted to know what was going on first!
I'm not going to go into much detail here, because frankly, I don't want to get mad about it again ... but he started off by saying to me, "I'm going to hurt you now." Right away I seemed to know that my biggest fears had really happened: he kissed someone else. I was upset, naturally -- upset that he could've done that, upset that I let it happen, upset that all my jealousy was for nothing.
He still won't tell me who it was, but I have ruled out the only three possibilities I thought of ... which basically means that he lied to me about who was seeing and when, so he could see this person he kissed. He told me that it almost happened once before, a couple of weeks before the breaking the news to me, but he didn't let it. Then, sometime during the week before, it DID happen and HE was the one who initiated it. I was so angry when he told me everything. I didn't know how to react.
He asked me if I wanted to break up with him, but I wasn't really sure. I have to admit, I have never been in a situation like that before. I have never been cheated on, not in a big way or a little way ... and I have never even really been hurt before. I had always been strong in previous relationships, and it had always been me ending it for whatever reason. Because of that, I didn't know how to react or how to deal with it.
I told him all of that, and that made him feel worse. He's the first guy who's ever hurt me ... and I bet that doesn't feel good. He decided then that we should break up, even if I wasn't going to initiate that break-up. He said it was because he didn't want to be tempted to hurt me like that again, because apparently he has no self-control and he thinks he'd do it again.
I told him he'll only do it again if he THINKS he's going to do it again, because obviously there's nothing to stop him. If he starts thinking he won't, well then ... he won't! Simple as that right?
Of course I wasn't only pissed because of what happened -- I was pissed because I assumed it meant I was going to be stuck living at my parents' house longer. I felt like my plans to move were being flushed down the toilet ... AGAIN.
That wasn't the case, though. He said I could still move with him if I wanted to, and I could figure out from there what I could do on my own. I accepted that offer, because I had been so eager to move! I did not want him to take that away from me again.
I went through the next day at work ... well ... not very well. I wanted to avoid talking to people -- customers, people I worked with, even my friends -- and I wanted to go home. Boyfriend didn't want me to come meet him after work that night, which stunk, but I still didn't want to be at work. In fact, it was the LAST place I wanted to be.
I still wasn't sure how to go about dealing with the situation. I wasn't going to tell anyone at work WHY we broke up, though I did tell a few people that we broke up. If everyone at work didn't know him, perhaps I would've told them what he did ... but everone there knows him and respects him and thinks he's a good person, and I wasn't about to ruin that for him. He IS a good person, and he deserves the good image people have of him. So I didn't tell anyone what was really going on. That made it difficult, though, because no one could really understand why we broke up. They all saw us as very happy together ... they didn't get why that would happen.
I realized after the whole thing that Boyfriend is my best friend. I knew it would be hard to live with him and not be together, but I also knew I could do it, because he really is my best friend. I thought about it, and I knew I would miss the couple parts of our relationship ... like cuddling, sleeping together, all the intimacy ... but I realized I still had the other parts to look forward to: hanging out, spending time together every day, watching movies ... the things I could do with my best friend. He realized I was his best friend too -- the way he put it, I don't judge him, and I listen to him.
So we were broken up. We decided that we would let things happen however they wanted to after that -- we wouldn't rush into a relationship again. I suggested we try a few dates, and he was okay with that. It was like we'd be starting at the start ... which is something we didn't really do in the first place. To be honest, I was worried that he'd take it as a "Yes! Time to be free and screw around!" time, but he assured me that he wouldn't.
On Thursday we started moving Boyfriend's stuff into our apartment. We spent the night together that night, just like we always did before. We couldn't help ourselves.
Now I don't know when exactly it happened, but Boyfriend decided that we SHOULD be together. I was just getting used to the idea of just being best friends who live together, and then he changed his mind (big surprise). I told him as soon as we got internet, I'd change my facebook from "in a relationship" to ... well, probably to blank. He said, "No, don't yet". He wasn't ready to admit he wanted to be with me again, because he still has that fear of hurting me, but it was pretty obvious that we were going to be.
Saturday was my moving day. We got the majority of my things moved in my 12:30 that day, and then Boyfriend and I both had the day off. It feels so good to finally live in the city, to take the train by myself, and really be a grown up. I'm appreciated now, more than I ever was with Aden's dad, and it feels amazing. I have been going to work by myself (which is something I honestly didn't think I could do so easily right off the bat), and I even went to meet Boyfriend downtown one day to bring him his keys ... and I did THAT on my own too!
And yes, Boyfriend and I are back together. We have our doubts this time around, it seems, because he doesn't necessarily trust himself anymore, and my jealousy issues are most likely going to go through the roof at some point (though I think that's to be expected given what happened), but we are a couple again. Or ... still. It never REALLY ended.
Aden hasn't come to stay with us yet -- we don't plan on it until August. I'm going back home to be with him on Sunday through to Tuesday, and I'm actually a little worried about not being here for those days ... but I'm trying not to think of that.
I have my fingers crossed that it doesn't get screwed up this time. I love Boyfriend more than anything, and he's made me happier more than anyone ever has. I might eventually get over him if it ever comes to that, but I think that would take longer than getting over anyone else ever did.
Ugh ... what a horrible week that was, not being together, always wondering, trying to figure out what slut ruined everything ... but I'm really trying not to focus on that.
Yes, I'm probably stupid for rushing right back into it and forgiving him so easily ... but I couldn't help it. I wasn't going to TRY to be mad when it couldn't just come naturally -- I just wanted to let whatever happen when it wanted to ... you know?
Hm ... how about a picture?
Here's Boyfriend and I, sitting in the stair well of our building while his phone was charging. We didn't have power in our apartment for the first day and a half, so we sat here for around an hour so he could charge it.
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