Falling Apart

Right now I feel like the best thing I can do for everyone is give up completely. In my last post, Boyfriend and I had gotten back together, gotten all moved in together, and everything was going well.

Well guess what. THAT fucking blew up in my face. It's only been a fucking week and a half since we got back together, and that is no more. He broke it off AGAIN. I haven't gotten a real reason yet, aside from "It just wasn't what I wanted" and the suspense is killing me. We were SUPPOSED to talk when I got home from work last night (a conversation I was dreading) and all he ended up doing was breaking up with me. Now I have to go through another day on the edge of my seat waiting to hear his bull shit reason why "it wasn't what he wanted". And I know the speech he's going to give me is going to be completele BS too. I know there could be a thousand reasons he could give, and they'll all be false. I know the real reason. He just wants the freedom of being single and not being tied down in a relationship. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants -- mainly with a girl I have mentioned before. Remember the love triangle of sorts that we were in back in February? Yeah. Her.

Except I have learned a lot since then. Hell, I've learned a lot in the last couple of weeks. I learned that back in February when Boyfriend (I guess I should stop calling him that) couldn't decide between the two of us, the other girl DID have a huge thing for him then. Boyfriend always made it sound, though, like she was madly in love with him and it was her who stopped him from deciding. He had me under the impression that this hardcore love she had for him was still going on, and that she just could not let him go.

Well I have learned that that is not the case. Not at all, actually. She DID like him a lot when he initially couldn't decide between us, but despite what he said, that did not continue. After he and I started dating, she stopped liking him as much. He started to annoy her and she stopped liking him in that way. She also started to like me more as a friend and didn't want to get in the way of our relationship. Now, he is nothing more to her than a best friend, but he just can't accept that. He constantly tells her how he feels about her, and she responds with nothing more than "okay". I saw some text messages on her phone, and from what I saw, she is never the one initiating the "lovey dovey" conversation between them -- it's ALL him. He is still convinced, though, that she's in love with him, and I'm quite sure that's a huge part of the reason he can't be with me. He says they'll hang out and she'll come by, but I know that's not the case. In fact, she's "in love" with someone else. She has no love interest in Boyfriend at all. He's been asking her to hang out for months, all the time, and they've only hung out once in all that time. She likes him as a friend, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't trust him as far as she can throw him.

She's told me a lot about how she feels about him, and it seems to me that she's only getting more and more annoyed at him. I told her I'm pretty sure he's going to try to start something with her now that's he's broken up with me, and she just seemed pissed off about it. He knows that she's got something going on with something else, and she's not about to throw it away for him. He can't accept it though. She told me that she's tried to stop him from saying the things he says to her, but he just gets mad. Apparently he can't take no for an answer.

Eventually he'll have to though, and by that point, it'll be too late. He'll have lost me by then, he'll have lost the other girl by then, and probably more than a couple other friends. I know he doesn't want to lose me as a friend -- he doesn't want me to move out at all -- but it'll eventually come to that if he doesn't smarten up. I know he doesn't want to be with me, but even after everything, I still have a desire to be with him. I can thank him for most of my happiness lately -- he's been there for me through a lot in the past several months, and I can't forget about that -- and now it seems he's taken that all away. If he keeps pushing me away like this, I'll eventually give him and he'll have lost me altogether -- one more person lost in his life. He's always said he's afraid of getting hurt because so many people have left him in his lifetime ... but I realize now that many of those people could very well have left him because of him, not because of them.

Really I'm just more pissed off than anything. Pissed off that I let myself get suckered in to all of this ... pissed off that I let myself believe everything he told me, when he's been lying to me all this time ... pissed off that now my whole life seems to be falling apart before my eyes ... it's just getting to be too much to handle.

I don't want to go all the way back to my parents' house two days a week to be with Aden, but no one will help me get him here to my house. I moved to the city to be with Boyfriend (what the hell can I call him?) and now I don't even get to do that. I feel like I've made a huge mistake moving here. Everyone told me it was stupid to move so far away from Aden, but I didn't listen. I thought it would be easier. I thought I'd feel better once I was taking care of myself, rather than intruding on my parents' lives and being in their way. Yeah, well, that's not how it is. I still have to intrude on their lives, because I have to go stay there with Aden two days a week, when I don't even have a room to stay in anymore. No one will help me out by driving Aden to me, which is what I want more than anything. I'm not even sure Boyfriend will help me out when he gets a car. So now I'm stuck going back there every Sunday and then back here on Tuesdays which I HATE. I'm constantly wondering what Boyfriend is doing when I'm not here ... wondering if he'll dare have someone in the place we both live, in the bed we're both currently sleeping in.

Ugh ... get THAT disgusting thought out of my head now ...

Anyway, yeah, it feels like I should just give up now. Everyone's unimpressed with me moving to Calgary when Aden isn't with me, now Boyfriend wants to be nothing more than roommates and best friends, and I just don't know where to go from here. I have no choice but to keep living here and probably going back and forth to my parents' house, and it just ... sucks! I feel like people would just appreciate me disappearing now. Quitting work, backing out of Aden's life, just ... disappearing. I can't do that, of course ... I could not imagine leaving Aden ... but still, it feels like that's the best choice for me right now. I feel like a horrible person for giving up on so much and changing so much for the sake of my relationship, only to have it fail and now I'm left in the dust. Left in an apartment where we share room, left missing my son four days out of seven, left feeling like everyone thinks so, so little of me.

I know it's possible to dig myself out of this, but it's not going to be easy and it's not going to happen anytime soon. I was just so ridiculously happy before ... it felt like everything was perfect for a little while. I guess it was just karma when it all had to come crashing to an uncomfortable end.


I feel so stupid.