Timeline

I realize that I've already posted once today, but I got to thinking after that ... about how much my life has changed, and I thought I'd blog about that too.


8 years ago I was fourteen and had just moved to the town my family still lives in. I was scared of everything, I was shy, and I hardly had any friends.

7 years ago one of the first big changes for the better took place. I made the best friends I had ever had in my life up until then. I'm still friends with several of them, though not as good as we were then. I also started dating a guy I'd stay with for quite some time after. That was grade ten.

5 years ago, or closer to 4 I guess, that boyfriend and I broke up after two and a half years together. That was about four months before graduating high school, so it was quite a life-altering change at the time. I started dating another guy after that -- turns out he was a real rebound. Then I graduated high school and so much changed after that. A few of my close friends (and a lot of people I knew) had plans to go to college ... and I didn't.

4 years ago I turned 18, and my whole outlook on life burst, pretty much. I started drinking, partying, and sleeping around. The stretch of promiscuity ended with Aden's dad in 2007. That summer, I found out I was pregnant, which was really just scary at the time. I lost most of my friends, and became quite depressed. I hadn't been working and I had no plans to really "grow up". Basically, I was nothing but a pregnant failure.

2 and a half years ago Aden was born. To this day he is still the best thing that's ever happened to me, despite what a lot of people might think. I love him more than anyone or anything in my whole life, and I would like to think that he's one of the main reasons I am currently trying to change things in my life.

A year and a half ago Aden's dad "proposed" to me. He had no ring and no real intentions to follow through with it, but I accepted anyway. That was basically it for that part of our relationship.

1 year ago, almost exactly, I got my job at Toys R Us. I met some amazing people who'd only become more important to as the following year progressed -- people I'd like to always have in my life.

9 or 10 months ago I met Richard. It was not a memorable meeting -- there were a ton of people being hired on at the time. I'll never forget the first time we really spoke though ... never.

8 months ago Aden's dad and I nearly went through a very rough break-up. Things had been falling apart for awhile and it seemed as though they had reached an end.

7 months ago Richard and I started to talk -- a lot. Facebook conversations were nearly a daily occurence, and we learned a lot about each other. The facebook conversations quickly turned to text message conversations, which would last all day, and late into the night. Falling for him was something that snuck up on me, but it was something I accepted willingly. I stopped sleeping in the same bed as Aden's dad, which was not surprising given the unraveling that had taken place in the previous year.

6 months ago things officially ended with Aden's dad and I. I made no move to leave his house, though, which only confused things.

5 and a half months ago he kicked me out. He found out about the things going on between Richard and I, and I moved back in with my parents. Things did not, however, get easier from there ... and it was only complicated between Richard and I. However, I began to change. I suddenly wanted a better life for myself, all brought on my Richard and all the changes. I realized that I could do better for myself ... not just be what people expected.

5 months ago and our relationship was officially underway. Richard was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend, and everything was beautiful. Things became very serious very quickly, and we fell in love like I could never imagine two people could so fast. Looking back, I probably should've been more cautious.

About 4 months ago we made plans to move out together. It was really fast, and not easily accepted by anyone, really, but it was what we wanted and we were moving forward. We were so in love, and it was amazing.

A month and a half ago Richard broke my heart. He lied and cheated (or not) and confused me ... and then he dumped me. Everything was different and confusing and I didn't know what to think. I felt like all the changes I was making were for nothing, and I was angry.

3 weeks ago we moved into our apartment. Richard told me he didn't want me to sleep in my own room, he didn't want to be without me ... he wanted to be with me again. So we got back together. Things were amazing again, really. All was forgiven ... but I really had no idea.

2 weeks ago he broke up with me ... AGAIN. I was stupid and naive and I let him do what I expected him to. I found out a lot of truths about "us" and I learned that our whole relationship was not what it had seemed. Once again, I felt like everything I had been working on had been completely pointless, and that I really should just give up. Well ... I didn't give up, and I have yet to. Yeah, I'm still stupid and naive, but ... I really don't know what to do about that.

1 week ago the truth came out. I found out what everyone thought of me and our relationship, and it all hurts. It still hurts. I have to try and focus on other things because it hurts too much to think about. I get sick to my stomach and I get the "I want to give up" feelings again. It's ... awful, really.


What's next? I really wish I knew.

First of all, I'm making no plans and I'm trying not to keep my hopes up when it comes to relationships. I'm giving "single" a try, if you can even call what we're doing single. Whatever it is, it's working so far. It's frustrating at times, and it can hurt, but we're happy most days. I'm trying not to focus too much on what it is or isn't.

Second, I'm going to apply for college. Just to be an administrative assistant, but hey, it's something. I'm going to apply ASAP, and I'm sure it'll mean good things for me.

Third, I'm trying to grow the fuck up! I have to stop dwelling on the past (which is basically the whole point of this) and start focussing on what I can do for MY future. I have to stop blaming myself for all the bad things, and give myself a good reason to move on: ME.


Ugh ... what a pointless blog entry ... but whatever.