Ch-ch-changes ... or ... Not

The whole break-up thing is indeed moving forward, but it's not going anywhere fast. I have made no moves to pack things up and get things shuffled over to my dad's house -- the only thing I've made in regards to changes, is that now I'm sleeping on the couch. I've spent four nights on the couch, and boy, am I feeling it. My body is aching, I'm more tired than I've been in awhile, and I'm just ... bummed. But, I won't be going back to our bed. Richard told me how uncomfortable it makes him ... having to sleep next to me, but not being able to touch me -- so really, me sleeping on the couch is a favor to him. Yeah, it was a little awkward sleeping in the same bed, but it wasn't something I couldn't do. Regardless, I chose to move to the couch, just to make things easier on Richard.

Now ... I'm just a little hesitant to get all moved out. It's ... comfortable here. For me, and for Aden. I don't want to make things hard for him, really. Luckily Richard is going to stay in this place for at least a couple more months, so it won't have to be a HUGE change for Aden. It'll only be one thing at a time. But even so, I don't want to rush a move. Aden is so happy here. I want him to get some mommy AND daddy time in before we officially end things. I mean ... in my head, we're already broken up (and I'm sure it's the same for Richard), but to Aden, not much has changed ... and I like it that way. If we could find a way to live in the same house but not be together, THAT would be ideal. Even if we could like ... both rent an apartment and be nearby neighbors or something ... it would be awesome. Aden could see us both every day, and it wouldn't have to be a big stressful move. But of course, I can't afford an apartment and Richard isn't moving just yet. I mean ... Aden could probably see us both every day with me being at my dad's house and Richard being here ... but he most likely won't.

This is hard. I have NO doubt in my mind that breaking up is what I want ... but I just don't want to be apart! I know that sounds insane ... but it's so true. There aren't really any feelings of love or affection between Richard and I (at least not on my part), but there's still an attachment there. It's been 3 years -- of course there's an attachment!

Really, what it comes down to ... is that I know Richard's not "the one". When I think of getting married ... he's not the one waiting for me at the end of the aisle. When I think of getting old ... he's not the one I'm getting old with. I don't know exactly who that mysterious person is ... but I know it's not him. I'm aware of how ridiculous that sounds ... but ultimately, that's what it comes down to. We just ... aren't meant to be!

Ugh ... it's just so hard to make such big changes.