Happiness

I think that I deserve to be happy. Simple enough, right? Hm ... not so much. Not that long ago, I didn't know that happiness could be so difficult to obtain. Now I know that it is. It isn't fair that it could be so hard to just be happy, but I suppose that's life.

I haven't told anybody this yet, but I'm currently dealing with a bit of a struggle. It's all inside, and I'm doing my very best not to show on the outside that I'm dealing with this ... and that is hard in itself. I know it's time for me to make some difficult choices, and I just don't know where to go with them. No matter what I do, it seems that someone always ends up losing ... whether it's me, or someone I deeply care for.

I want to be happy -- no, I NEED it. And not just somewhat pleased ... I mean really, truly happy. Every day. I want to wake up happy, spend the day happy, and go to bed happy. Obviously everyone's entitled to their bad days ... but everyone should have good ones too, right? Lately, it just seems as though my unhappy days far outweigh the happy ones, and it's just beginning to seem really unfair to me. I never sleep well, I wake up and don't want to start the day, I spend the day in a sour mood, and I end up staying up later than I should because I don't want to do it all over again yet.

Of course there's one person who's happiness matters more than mine, and that person is Aden. I want him to be happy more than anything else ... but at the same time, I feel as though he'd be happier if I was happier. It may not matter now, since he's not even two years old yet, but when he's older, I think he would appreciate having a happy mom. If he could see me really REALLY happy, then he would know how important it is to be happy. I remember growing up, how hard things were when my mom was unhappy. Things always seemed so much better when she was happy. She never seemed truly happy until she married her current husband, and now, I love that she's as happy as she is.

All moms know that our kids' happiness is more important than anything ... but we have to remember that we're important too ... and that's important for our kids to see us happy. As easy as it is to say that, it's not so easily done. I'm learning this more and more as the days go on.

It's been ages since I've had a constant smile on my face, and now that I've been reminded of how good that feels, and I've been shown that it's within my reach ... I really wish I could have it all the time.