Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It's been a little while since I've blogged, and a lot has happened since the last time.

I've been struggling lately (all on the inside) with my happiness. Obviously, I haven't been truly happy for quite some time, but I've only noticed in the last month or so that I really SHOULD be happy, and that I deserve to be happy. Richard and I have been together three years now, and while I've appeared happy on the outside, I really haven't been.

Don't get me wrong, I'm completely happy with many aspects of my life: Aden, for one, and my job, for another; but overall, I'm very dissatisfied with my relationship. It's just ... not what it should be.

So, last week, after an awful lot of thought, I chose to tell Richard how I was feeling. So I turned to him and said "Richard, I'm not happy." And instead of talking about it, he responded with "Well, let's break up after taxes then." I took this as his way of saying that he wasn't happy either, of course. If he's so quick to jump to the conclusion that we should break up, obviously he's unhappy as well! We went on to decide that we should definitely wait until after taxes, for our reasons ... and that he may continue to live here, and I'll probably go stay at my dad's house. He'll see Aden on weekends, and I'll have to have him during the week (since Richard works at 5 in the morning). We BOTH agreed that breaking up would probably be best for all of us.

Then last night, he drops a massive bombshell on me. Basically, he tells me he doesn't want me to leave him. He said it's killing him to sleep in the same bed with me every night and not be able to touch me ... and it's killing him that he has to see me every day but he can't have me. He started making excuses for why he's been so shitty to me ... but the excuses he was making could only cover the last few months ... and I've been unhappy a lot longer than that. He has NEVER treated me with respect, compassion, or even love. NEVER. He has taken me for granted. He thinks he can treat me however the hell he wants, but I'll stick around. Well, he's WRONG. I'm sick of it. I'm twenty-one! I do not have to settle for being treated this way. I have an awful lot of years ahead of me, and don't want to spend them all being treated like DIRT.

HE is the one that pushed me away, and it's too late to pull me back in. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Nothing was appreciated. He made it seem like he had to go out of his way to even make me satisfied -- not happy, satisfied -- and it shouldn't be an inconvenience to him to make me smile! He always blames money on our problems ... and while we are indeed broke, money is NOT to blame here. It's possible to be happy when you're broke ... I know that. But I'm NOT happy. I have been ignored far too long ... and I'm not going to be ignored for the rest of my life!!

Last night he tried so hard to convince me that he can turn around, that he's sorry, and that it's not entirely his fault he made me so miserable. He even blamed me as well (big surprise). But no ... I don't believe any of it. He CAN'T turn around ... he is stuck in a routine and I know he will never change. He isn't sorry ... because he thinks he did nothing wrong. And it is mainly his fault I'm so unhappy. I know if he even attempts to make things better, it will not work. He'll treat me nicely for a week or two ... and then it'll go back to the same old thing. One week of nice Richard isn't going to change my mind. Nothing will, at this point.

I'm sure there are women out there somewhere who can go through life miserable ... but I am not one of them. Maybe there's someone out there for him ... and maybe this whole thing will show him how to better treat a woman ... but right now, I'm pretty sure that I'm not the girl for him ... and he's not the guy for me. I want to be treated better. I DESERVE to be treated better. I don't want to break his heart ... but maybe I don't have a choice.