A Complicated Situation

Obviously my blog is sorely in need of an update. So here it is. Hopefully I can go into enough detail here that anyone who actually reads this can know where I am and what is going on. At least ... to the point I'm at, because honstly, I have no idea what is going on.


Anyway, Richard kicked me out of the house about two weeks ago. He found out ... well, a lot. I suppose we really should go back to the beginning, because if I'm not telling my blog the truth, who am I telling it to? Nobody!

Okay, so here we go ...

Back at the beginning of this year, I started talking to a friend of mine from work quite a bit. I talked to him once in awhile -- I could easily consider him one of my best work friends -- but in January, we started talking a lot more often. I realized that he was really easy to confide in, and that he actually wanted to listen to my problems and stuff. He was good to talk to, and I enjoyed our facebook conversations. We exchanged phone numbers, which led to us talking more often. Before too long, I found out that he liked me quite a bit, and I realized that I felt the same way about him. It was ... strange, really.

Meanwhile, the relationship between Richard and I is on the rocks. It was on the rocks long before I started talking to the guy from work. If you recall, we were very near breaking up in December, and we just never came back from that. Things never got better from there. I didn't start talking to the guy from work until January, and things were still crap between Richard and I. Before too long, I convinced myself that I had to break up with Richard -- or at least inform him that I was very unhappy. None of what I had to tell him had anything to do with my new-found feelings for this work guy -- he was sort of just ... nudging me in the right direction. Not through words or actions, just through the way he was making me feel.

So, sometime around the beginning of February, I told Richard I was unhappy. Instead of talking about it, he basically presented me with a break-up, and I gladly accepted. If he didn't want to discuss it, that was fine. He basically agreed with me and said he was unhappy too, and that was that. From there, I considered us broken up. That was it. We were done. Our relationship had gone on pretty much exactly three years. And that was all it would be. Just three years. I couldn't be more pleased that the Unhappy conversation went that way. I wanted a break-up. I didn't want to fix things. We had tried many times to do just that, and it always ended in failure. I just didn't see the point in trying again to do what we had already done. Whenever we've tried to fix it, it's good for about a week and then goes back to the same old routine. I wasn't willing to do that yet again. I finally realized that I deserve to be happy, and I shouldn't be stuck in a shitty relationship just because I should stay in it. No way.

From there, I made no moves to actually move out. I was glad with the way Aden was feeling -- he was always happy and I didn't want to destroy that for him. I kept telling Richard I would start packing, but I never did. I suppose I was comfortable and I wasn't ready to flush my comfort down the toilet. I even continued to sleep in the same bed as Richard, even though we wouldn't even lie close to each other. Meanwhile, I was still talking to the work guy through text messages pretty much constantly. Our feelings for each other only continued to become more and more extreme, and I wasn't about to stop it. He told me that he was uncomfortable with me sleeping in the same bed as Richard, and oddly enough, Richard told me the same thing, explaining to me that it was hard to sleep in the same bed as me and not even be able to look at me or touch me. From there, I began to sleep on the couch, which only allowed me to talk more to the work guy. We'd text for hours after Richard went to bed, sometimes until 1:30 in the morning.

Before too long, Work Guy told me he loved me. And I reciprocated. I loved him too. It was insane, but it was true. It snuck up on us so suddenly and so quietly, and it was a little scary to give in to those feelings, but we did it. We just let them take over and it felt good. We never saw each other outside of work, though, and even then, it was only one day a week. Sundays -- formerly the worst day of my week -- were suddenly amazing. I would see him, and I would just light up. He saw it. It didn't matter anymore that I worked with the biggest bitch EVER on Sundays. He was there, and that fixed all my problems. I looked forward to seeing him every week. I was very shy, at first, after we started talking ... but he liked it. At first, we would just get hugs every Sunday, and that in itself was great. But then, on Valentine's Day, we had our first kiss. It was ... the most amazing kiss. And oh my God, I did not want it to end.

I somehow managed to hide all of that from Richard, and I only felt a little bit guilty. I mean, I considered us broken up, even though we were still living under the same roof. We felt nothing towards each other at that point, and I had no problems feeling wonderful about someone else. The whole thing is probably a case of me acting before I think, but it was fantastic anyway. I hadn't felt so good in many, many years. I wasn't going to stop it, that's for sure.

The same thing happened the following Sunday. We'd meet in the break room every chance we got, just to make out. People started to suspect something at that point, I think, when we'd constantly be seen together, just walking to one point or another. We had been friends before that, but not the point that we'd spend an awful lot of time together at work. So yeah, it might've looked a little odd that suddenly we seemed closer.

After that, I felt like I HAD to tell someone SOMETHING. I sent a facebook message to a friend I thought I could confide in, who had been through something similar, and who I figured probably wouldn't judge me for what I was going to tell her. In retrospect, I probably should've kept it off facebook and took it somewhere else, just in case, but there I was ... acting before I think, once again. I sent her a facebook message and told her about this wonderful new guy, and how I kissed him and stuff.

Then, on February 22nd, my life imploded on itself. All my fuck-ups came back to bite me in the ass, and I fully deserved it. I remember the day very vividly. I had just finished gotten out of the shower, and came out of the bathroom. Richard was going into our bedroom at that moment, and he turned to me and basically lost it. He told me to get the fuck out of his house, or something along those lines. I was so baffled, I had no idea where all of this was coming from. Well, as it turns out, he had been reading my facebook on his blackberry. He had watched my type in my password sometime before that, and he used it for revenge. Back in December, I snooped his facebook and found out a lot of things I wish I hadn't. He wanted to do the same to me. And what he found out was far worse than what I ever did. He read the entire facebook message I had sent to my friend, and the whole conversation that followed. Now, he knew more than he ever wanted to. He did not know everything, but he knew enough. He was livid. I was scared for my life at that point. I didn't know what he would do in his fit of rage.

After a brief arguement, he literally threw me out of the house. Picked me up by my clothes and shoved me out the front door. I had no socks, no shoes, no coat, no nothing. I only had my phone in my hand. I begged him for socks and shoes, and my purse, because I had to work that night and I would need my work things in my purse. He threw those things at me, because he knew I wouldn't leave his front door if he didn't. I'm glad it was nice out that day -- all I really needed was the hoodie I had on. I wasn't going to stick around and beg him to let me back in. I knew that would be pointless. I fully deserved it, and I knew it.

So I started to walk to my dad's house. I phone Work Guy as I walked away, because I knew he would make me feel a little bit better. We had been talking on the phone every chance we got for about the week leading up to that day, and I knew he wasn't too busy to answer his phone at the moment. I told him everything that had happened, and he told me that if he could drive his car, he would come get me in a heartbeat. I knew he would. But he couldn't drive it, so I had to figure out what to do. I called my dad's house after that, but there was no answer. I tried my stepmom's cell phone - no answer. I tried my sister's cell phone - no answer. Where the hell was everyone? Well, I continued to walk to my dad's, just in case they were there and just couldn't get to their phones or something. Besides ... where else could I go?

On the way to my dad's, after trying to phone everyone there, I went through my contacts on my phone to see who could help me out. I decided on an ex-boyfriend of mine, someone who was one of my better friends lately, who I knew might want to help me out. I got a hold of him, and told him what had just happened. He told me he would phone me back, and he'd try to help me out. I was glad I had chosen a friend who would want to help.

I arrived at my dad's then, and well, nobody was home. So I sunk down on the front step. I had nothing else to do ... nowhere else to go. I kept Work Guy posted on what was happening through text messages, but I was refraining from phoning him, because my phone's battery definitely wasn't going to last much longer. I decided to phone my work and tell them I couldn't come in that night. I got a hold of the manager at explained to him what happened. He told me to take as much time as I needed, and I appreciated that fully. Ex-boyfriend phoned me back after that, and he told me his boss said he could come in late so he could come to my rescue. He said he would be there to get me in 10 minutes. I had to warn him about my shitty appearance -- no make up, tear-stained face, hellish looking clothes -- but he was okay with it.

Sure enough, he pulled into the driveway about 10 minutes later. I got into his car, looking extremely dishevelled. It was weird that I felt the need to phone him, since we had only been speaking to one another again for a few weeks. He had hated me previously, but he was giving me another chance as a friend, which I was glad about. He took me back to his parents' house after that, just so we could hang out until I knew where I could go. I had texted my parents to call me as soon as they could, and I knew they would. In the meantime, we went back to Ex-boyfriend's parents' house.

I cried a little bit while we were there, and he did make me feel a little better. I knew he was a really good friend to all his friends, and I was glad he could be a really good friend to me. Finally, my stepmom called me back, and told me she was going back home -- she had been at the dentist. Ex-boyfriend and I hung out for a little longer, and he took me back to my dad's house.

Things definitely didn't get easy from there. Richard began to threaten me with restraining orders, taking Aden away from me, telling my family everything, forwarding everyone the now infamous facebook message -- basically, he felt the need to ruin my life. Nobody but Work Guy was on my side. Nobody. My family suddenly hated me -- I had even forwarned my parents of the break-up -- and felt that I was making every mistake I possibly could. I have never made my parents proud, and this was just one more thing that assured them I was nothing but a failure. They would still take me in, of course, but it wouldn't be comfortable or ideal ... not at all.

While the rest of my life seemed to be in turmoil, things with Work Guy kept moving ahead. My parents weren't on my side, my sisters didn't want to talk about it, everyone at work couldn't understand since no one knew of the problems Richard and I had, and everyone else just kept telling me they were sorry about what happened. But with Work Guy, things felt right. I felt like I was doing the right thing. We started seeing one another two days a week after that, since we both started working Fridays and Saturdays. It was definitely something to look forward to, when everything else was going so terribly.

We worked together on February 27th, a Saturday ... only five days after I had been kicked out of the house. We couldn't wait to see one another that day, and we had plans to hang out after work, since we were both off at 5:30 that day. Once our shift was done, we really weren't sneaky about anything. Richard had told everyone I was "seeing a new guy", so I didn't feel the need to hide our feeligs in a public place. We held hands as we walked through the mall, and I'd stop to give him kisses. God, it felt so good. We sat down and talked for a little while, after my shopping was done, and our relationship began to move forward. I decided I was going to go home with him that night. It was an obvious choice, really. We had worked the exact same shift that day, and we both didn't start until noon the next day. It was as if God (or at least the manager who makes the schedules at work) wanted it to happen. And so it would.

I told my dad I was going to stay with friends that night, because I didn't have Aden that weekend and I needed to get away, and he was perfectly okay with it. So, at about six o' clock that evening, I went home with Work Guy. I don't think I need to go into detail about what happened that night, but I can safely say it was one of the best nights I've ever had. I can also safely say that yes, I rushed into sleeping with him. While I had considered Richard and I to be broken up since the beginning of that month, he only considered us broken up since he kicked me out five days before. And now, I was already rushing into bed with someone else. In my opinion, it could've been worse -- it could've been some random person I picked up and just went home with to forget my problems ... but no, it was a very meaningful, very meant-to-be kind of thing. Things were working out in our favor.

After that, Work Guy and I only fell more and more in love. Everything else in my life sucked, but he was still there, and he was still amazing. God, he made me feel so good. But don't get me wrong -- things weren't ideal for us either. Not only were we caught in the me/Richard/Work Guy love triangle of sorts, but there was another love triangle present as well. I found out what I think I already knew -- another girl at work was crazy about Work Guy. But it was just too damn bad for her ... he was all mine. She could worship from afar all she wanted. At least, that was how it was then. Work Guy told me that Silly Girl was "in love" with him, but he also told me the feelings weren't returned. He told me I was the only one he felt that way about. I felt like a fucking champion.

I found out then that Richard also still had feelings for me, like Silly Girl had for Work Guy. He wanted me back, even given the situation -- at least, the situation as far as he knew it. He knew I had something going on with Work Guy, though he didn't know the extent to which it was taking place. He definitely didn't know at that point that it had gone as far as it had. And he definitely didn't know how strongly I felt about him -- in Richard's mind, Work Guy was nothing but a fling ... someone I had no real feelings for. Well, he was wrong. I was crazy about Work Guy. He made me feel good. I could be myself around him ... and I could say incredibly cheesy love-related things that Richard would never stand for. Things I really felt.

I would love to tell you that the story is over and that I'm going to live happily ever after with Work Guy. I would LOVE that. But no, I've learned several times over in the last few weeks that my life is not a fairytale and that I'm no fucking princess.

I made a stupid mistake shortly after my night with Work Guy, and I told Richard about it. I felt it was best that I stop lying to him, and when he asked where I went that night (I think my lovely sister told him I didn't come home) I felt obligated to tell the truth. I told him no details, but still the truth. Work Guy didn't like that. He felt it wasn't my truth to tell, but ours. I should have consulted him first. He's probably right ... but it was too late. Richard went back to feeling nothing but disgust towards me, and now Work Guy was mad at me too.

That's not even the worst of it. Around the same time, I found out that the love triangle between me, Work Guy, and Silly Girl was more serious than I thought. She wasn't just some silly girl (ha ha) who had feelings towards him, but he felt strongly about her too, and he was actually dealing with a very tough choice himself. He didn't know who he wanted to be with more. Yes, the situations were very different: He and I could say "I love you" and I was more straight-forward with him, and more aware of what I wanted; She kept her feelings undercover, and being that she's very young, she isn't quite as sure of what she wants. He liked her a lot, but he appreciated how straight-foward I was with him. I wasn't afraid to show the way I felt, and she was. I was ready to start something with him, despite my situation, and she wasn't always. Work Guy began to flip-flop back and forth, it seemed, and I couldn't stand it. I just wanted to shove Silly Girl out of the way and take him all to myself.

Finally, he picked me over her. He proclaimed that he was all mine, and he just had to break the news to her. God, when he decided that, it was the best shift I had ever had at work. It had been a terrible day before that (it was a flip-flopping day for him), and he had completely fixed everything by deciding I was best for him. He told me he'd call her after work and tell her how he was feeling. I sat waiting by the phone that night while he talked to her, and I was so excited. After their conversation was over, he asked me to call him. It was late at night, but he begged, so I did. And instead of being elated and making me feel good, he crushed me, yet again. He told me he didn't know what he wanted. Silly Girl, apparently, had made a very convincing speech. I did my best to make him come back to me, but I didn't succeed. I was just glad he hadn't just chosen her, but instead he'd gone back to undecided.

It didn't last long, though. I had told him on the phone that night that he would eventually decide on me, and I was confident in that. Well, I was right. He did decide on me again, only days later. He just wasn't quite sure how to deal with her. He decided the best way to go about it would be to get Silly Girl to admit she had something going on with Another Guy, and send them on their merry way so we could go on ours. Yes, believe it or not, yet another love triangle was affecting our happy lives. I just wanted to have Work Guy all to myself, but, I was going to respect him and let him take his time in pushing Silly Girl out of the picture. I was ready to shove her out of it, but I knew he wasn't, so I could wait.

From there, things only got more and more amazing between Work Guy and myself. We began talking about the future, and I even started making goals for myself. I was good for him, and he was good for me. It looked like things between us were going to be really great, eventually.

Of course, I was still feeling the pressure from Richard. He kept telling me how badly he wants me back, and how he'll do anything, and he doesn't care about what's happened with Work Guy, and blah, blah, blah ... but I couldn't make myself feel the same. Any feelings I had towards him are all based on the past, and I still do not believe we have a future together. So with Work Guy, I kept going.

We began showing our feelings in public. Nothing too obvious, but people began to ask questions nonetheless. All of my better work friends knew of the split between Richard and I, and now they were started to notice the thing between me and Work Guy. And neither of us could deny it either. Last weekend even, when our friend at work asked if we were "attached at the hip", Work Guy responded with "no, but we will be soon". I was on Cloud Nine! So happy!

But of course, in my world, happiness doesn't seem to last more than a couple of days. Only a few days ago, Work Guy and I were making plans to move in together once we could tie up some loose ends, but now? I'm in a never-ending pit of despair.

Why?

Well, last night, I came over to Richard and Aden's. I've been over here a few times in the past couple weeks, so Richard and I could talk. I'm always reluctant to come over, because I knew exactly where the conversation will go, but I want to see Aden, so I come. And everytime, the conversation goes the same way. Richard gets all sad and shows me he's changed, and tells me he'll do anything. I can't stand it. My feelings towards him are basically dead. He doesn't believe it, though. He thinks there is something worth saving.

So last night, the conversation went somewhere else. He asked me to please put things with Work Guy on hold so he and I can try doing it right -- he wants to take me on dates, and woo me, basically. But I ... I'm not so willing. I may be selfish, but I wanted to see where things could end up with Work Guy instead. During the conversation with Richard last night, I was texting Work Guy. The conversation between he and I took a sour turn, and he chose to end it the talk for the night. So it was easy for Richard to convince me to give him a try.

Well, this morning, I texted Work Guy and told him what was up. He has now removed himself from the situation and I'm heartbroken. I've always told Richard that the contest isn't between him and Work Guy, it's between being with him and not being with him. And it appears I was right. Even if I can't be with Work Guy (God, it kills me to even say that), I don't want to be with Richard either. I'm going to try a couple dates with him, but I don't think it will work. I can't get Work Guy out of my head. I'm fighting for him, but he would prefer to be alone and sad. I'm just hoping he doesn't run to the open arms of Silly Girl.

Work Guy has always told me I should figure things out before he and I get serious ... so somewhere in my mind I was seriously hoping he would just move aside for a moment so I could really show Richard that it will not work ... but that is far from what happened. Now I'm back to being depressed, and I don't know what to do.

Yes, I do think it would be fair to give Richard one more small chance, JUST for Aden and nothing else ... but at the same time, I can't let go of Work Guy. He is too amazing. I've never been that in love before, and I just let it go. I flushed my chance of happiness down the shitter. I don't know how I'll get it back.


Life is too hard ... too complicated. It would be nice, just once, if something could be just a little easier. Richard keeps threatening me to either be with him or be erased from his life -- something he can't do, since we have a child together ... but he's convinced he can. He's dead wrong, and I want him to see that by ending things properly ... but now, I don't know. We'll try those couple of dates and he'll see, hopefully, that I have no feelings for him ... but even then, I'm left with nothing. Work Guy is gone ... and it'll be so hard to see him and work and know that it's not the way it should be anymore. But I guess I'll have to work through it. It won't be easy. I wish I had to work this weekend so I could see him and get him to be mine again ... but no, this just had to take place the week before my weekend off.

The best word I can say to describe my feelings for the situation is this: FUCK.