Ch-ch-changes ... or ... Not

The whole break-up thing is indeed moving forward, but it's not going anywhere fast. I have made no moves to pack things up and get things shuffled over to my dad's house -- the only thing I've made in regards to changes, is that now I'm sleeping on the couch. I've spent four nights on the couch, and boy, am I feeling it. My body is aching, I'm more tired than I've been in awhile, and I'm just ... bummed. But, I won't be going back to our bed. Richard told me how uncomfortable it makes him ... having to sleep next to me, but not being able to touch me -- so really, me sleeping on the couch is a favor to him. Yeah, it was a little awkward sleeping in the same bed, but it wasn't something I couldn't do. Regardless, I chose to move to the couch, just to make things easier on Richard.

Now ... I'm just a little hesitant to get all moved out. It's ... comfortable here. For me, and for Aden. I don't want to make things hard for him, really. Luckily Richard is going to stay in this place for at least a couple more months, so it won't have to be a HUGE change for Aden. It'll only be one thing at a time. But even so, I don't want to rush a move. Aden is so happy here. I want him to get some mommy AND daddy time in before we officially end things. I mean ... in my head, we're already broken up (and I'm sure it's the same for Richard), but to Aden, not much has changed ... and I like it that way. If we could find a way to live in the same house but not be together, THAT would be ideal. Even if we could like ... both rent an apartment and be nearby neighbors or something ... it would be awesome. Aden could see us both every day, and it wouldn't have to be a big stressful move. But of course, I can't afford an apartment and Richard isn't moving just yet. I mean ... Aden could probably see us both every day with me being at my dad's house and Richard being here ... but he most likely won't.

This is hard. I have NO doubt in my mind that breaking up is what I want ... but I just don't want to be apart! I know that sounds insane ... but it's so true. There aren't really any feelings of love or affection between Richard and I (at least not on my part), but there's still an attachment there. It's been 3 years -- of course there's an attachment!

Really, what it comes down to ... is that I know Richard's not "the one". When I think of getting married ... he's not the one waiting for me at the end of the aisle. When I think of getting old ... he's not the one I'm getting old with. I don't know exactly who that mysterious person is ... but I know it's not him. I'm aware of how ridiculous that sounds ... but ultimately, that's what it comes down to. We just ... aren't meant to be!

Ugh ... it's just so hard to make such big changes.

The Best Is Yet To Come - Frank Sinatra

Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum
You came along and everything started to hum
Still it's a real good bet, the best is yet to come

The best is yet to come, and baby won't it be fine
You think you've seen the sun, but you ain't seen it shine

Wait till the warm-up's underway
Wait till our lips have met
Wait till you see that sunshine day
You ain't seen nothin' yet

The best is yet to come, and baby won't it be fine
The best is yet to come, come the day you're mine

The best is yet to come
Come the day you're mine
Oh come the day you're mine
I'm gonna teach you to fly
We've only tasted the wine
We're gonna drain that cup dry

Wait till your charms are right, for the arms to surround
You think you've flown before, but you ain't left the ground

Wait till you're locked in my embrace
Wait till I hold you near
Wait till you see that sunshine place
There ain't nothin' like it here

The best is yet to come, and baby won't it be fine
The best is yet to come, come the day you're mine
Come the day you're mine
I've got plans for you baby
And baby you're gonna fly

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It's been a little while since I've blogged, and a lot has happened since the last time.

I've been struggling lately (all on the inside) with my happiness. Obviously, I haven't been truly happy for quite some time, but I've only noticed in the last month or so that I really SHOULD be happy, and that I deserve to be happy. Richard and I have been together three years now, and while I've appeared happy on the outside, I really haven't been.

Don't get me wrong, I'm completely happy with many aspects of my life: Aden, for one, and my job, for another; but overall, I'm very dissatisfied with my relationship. It's just ... not what it should be.

So, last week, after an awful lot of thought, I chose to tell Richard how I was feeling. So I turned to him and said "Richard, I'm not happy." And instead of talking about it, he responded with "Well, let's break up after taxes then." I took this as his way of saying that he wasn't happy either, of course. If he's so quick to jump to the conclusion that we should break up, obviously he's unhappy as well! We went on to decide that we should definitely wait until after taxes, for our reasons ... and that he may continue to live here, and I'll probably go stay at my dad's house. He'll see Aden on weekends, and I'll have to have him during the week (since Richard works at 5 in the morning). We BOTH agreed that breaking up would probably be best for all of us.

Then last night, he drops a massive bombshell on me. Basically, he tells me he doesn't want me to leave him. He said it's killing him to sleep in the same bed with me every night and not be able to touch me ... and it's killing him that he has to see me every day but he can't have me. He started making excuses for why he's been so shitty to me ... but the excuses he was making could only cover the last few months ... and I've been unhappy a lot longer than that. He has NEVER treated me with respect, compassion, or even love. NEVER. He has taken me for granted. He thinks he can treat me however the hell he wants, but I'll stick around. Well, he's WRONG. I'm sick of it. I'm twenty-one! I do not have to settle for being treated this way. I have an awful lot of years ahead of me, and don't want to spend them all being treated like DIRT.

HE is the one that pushed me away, and it's too late to pull me back in. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Nothing was appreciated. He made it seem like he had to go out of his way to even make me satisfied -- not happy, satisfied -- and it shouldn't be an inconvenience to him to make me smile! He always blames money on our problems ... and while we are indeed broke, money is NOT to blame here. It's possible to be happy when you're broke ... I know that. But I'm NOT happy. I have been ignored far too long ... and I'm not going to be ignored for the rest of my life!!

Last night he tried so hard to convince me that he can turn around, that he's sorry, and that it's not entirely his fault he made me so miserable. He even blamed me as well (big surprise). But no ... I don't believe any of it. He CAN'T turn around ... he is stuck in a routine and I know he will never change. He isn't sorry ... because he thinks he did nothing wrong. And it is mainly his fault I'm so unhappy. I know if he even attempts to make things better, it will not work. He'll treat me nicely for a week or two ... and then it'll go back to the same old thing. One week of nice Richard isn't going to change my mind. Nothing will, at this point.

I'm sure there are women out there somewhere who can go through life miserable ... but I am not one of them. Maybe there's someone out there for him ... and maybe this whole thing will show him how to better treat a woman ... but right now, I'm pretty sure that I'm not the girl for him ... and he's not the guy for me. I want to be treated better. I DESERVE to be treated better. I don't want to break his heart ... but maybe I don't have a choice.

All I Have is $3.66

It's been a long time since I've felt so ridiculously ... poor, really. My last paycheck was a week ago now, and it was only about $78. Since I'm the one that usually buys most of the groceries, we were unable to get much food for the two weeks that followed. We could only buy the bare minimum (we're talking even less bare minimum than usual). We got a couple pounds of beef (on sale), a jug of milk, and maybe a couple other things. That left me with enough in my bank account to eat before work last Sunday and Wednesday. Yesterday, we went and got another jug of milk, and now, I'm left with $3.66 in my bank account. And I don't get paid again until the 12th.

It wouldn't be so bad, if my last paycheck had been bigger and I had been able to spend at least $100 on groceries then ... but I couldn't even buy all of the things we needed. So, I now have nothing to cook for dinner -- at least, nothing that is going to feed all three of us -- and not only that, but I have nothing to eat (or no money to get anything to eat) before work tomorrow, on my break tomorrow, or before work on Wednesday. It's been around five days since I've eaten a meal.

Don't worry, though. Aden still gets fed. I have things he can eat still. Hot dogs, cans of Spiderman noodles, Kraft Dinner -- nothing healthy, but at least he still gets filled up. Richard does too. He has pizza pockets. Yes, I realize I could be eating all of these things too, but you see, I'm such a good mom that I'm not eating them. I choose to save the things Aden likes for him. I don't want to run out of those things before I can afford to replenish them.

Richard, though, is blaming me not eating on "my" mess in the kitchen. He thinks I'm not eating because I have no clean dishes to cook in. He thinks if I wash the dishes, then I'll have something to eat. But GUESS WHAT!? Even if I did have clean dishes to cook in ... I HAVE NOTHING TO COOK. Idiot ...

Aaaaaaanyway!

Today we're going over to my dad's house, and I'm going to ask them if I can borrow some money. Richard isn't going to know of this, and when he finds out, he'll be mad ... but I need to buy food. My parents will understand, and they will help. They probably won't even expect to be paid back. It kills me that I can't pay them back, and I plan on it one day ... but they won't expect it in the near future, like OTHER parents do. Ahem. Richard isn't willing to ask for help, because he thinks it means we'll owe them something ... but my parents aren't like that. They are willing to help out their daughter and their grandson when we need it. And right now ... we need it.

The Past is all in the Past ... Most of the Time

Tonight, I made the stupid mistake of watching Technokayla, and its sequel. I think that watching those is one of the very few things in this world that can make me miss my former life. Not the life I used to have of drinking and being promiscuous ... but BEFORE that. Back when I was a teenager, and had what I thought was the best group of friends in the world.

We were an eclectic group of people. We didn't drink or do anything "bad" like most teenagers our age, but we still managed to always have the best time ever. We would watch somewhat "out there" movies, and we'd make them too. We would sing out loud to one another, and play our instruments in my old best friend's backyard. We spent every Friday after school together, if not more frequently than that, and those were always the best days of the week. I don't remember any particularly bad days together. At least, not until it was the beginning of the end, so to speak.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, watching those videos is one of the few things in this world that reminds me of how great a friendship we all had, prior to that awful falling out nearly three years ago now. There are a few other things on that list, though ... like watching Rent. I tried to watch it on the TV the other night. Didn't work so well. I teared up during the opening credits, just remembering how often we watched that movie, how well we could sing the songs, and how I was even learning that one song on the piano.

Even watching Purple Rain gets me a little ... nostalgic sometimes. The first time I saw that movie, and experienced the beauty that is Prince, was at an 80s party we had. Luckily I love Prince enough to push past the sad nostalgia and enjoy the movie anyway ... but still, it's hard sometimes!

Then, can't forget about facebook pictures. I don't often come across facebook photos of them, but when I do, my heart lurches up into my throat and I do get a little emotional. Especially when I see photos from the days when we were still good friends. A friend of mine posted some old photos a little while ago ... man, that got me emotional. I could remember the days most of those photos were taken, and how awesome those days were.


Ugh ... Blair's wedding is going to be so difficult. I'm trying not to think about running into those old friends there, but I can't help it sometimes. I'm hoping things will be good, and we might even talk and catch up ... but at the same time, I'm pretty sure that won't happen. I think we'll all just try and make the day as good for Blair as we possibly can, without making it too awkward for those that are still mutual friends between us.

We shall see.

Happiness

I think that I deserve to be happy. Simple enough, right? Hm ... not so much. Not that long ago, I didn't know that happiness could be so difficult to obtain. Now I know that it is. It isn't fair that it could be so hard to just be happy, but I suppose that's life.

I haven't told anybody this yet, but I'm currently dealing with a bit of a struggle. It's all inside, and I'm doing my very best not to show on the outside that I'm dealing with this ... and that is hard in itself. I know it's time for me to make some difficult choices, and I just don't know where to go with them. No matter what I do, it seems that someone always ends up losing ... whether it's me, or someone I deeply care for.

I want to be happy -- no, I NEED it. And not just somewhat pleased ... I mean really, truly happy. Every day. I want to wake up happy, spend the day happy, and go to bed happy. Obviously everyone's entitled to their bad days ... but everyone should have good ones too, right? Lately, it just seems as though my unhappy days far outweigh the happy ones, and it's just beginning to seem really unfair to me. I never sleep well, I wake up and don't want to start the day, I spend the day in a sour mood, and I end up staying up later than I should because I don't want to do it all over again yet.

Of course there's one person who's happiness matters more than mine, and that person is Aden. I want him to be happy more than anything else ... but at the same time, I feel as though he'd be happier if I was happier. It may not matter now, since he's not even two years old yet, but when he's older, I think he would appreciate having a happy mom. If he could see me really REALLY happy, then he would know how important it is to be happy. I remember growing up, how hard things were when my mom was unhappy. Things always seemed so much better when she was happy. She never seemed truly happy until she married her current husband, and now, I love that she's as happy as she is.

All moms know that our kids' happiness is more important than anything ... but we have to remember that we're important too ... and that's important for our kids to see us happy. As easy as it is to say that, it's not so easily done. I'm learning this more and more as the days go on.

It's been ages since I've had a constant smile on my face, and now that I've been reminded of how good that feels, and I've been shown that it's within my reach ... I really wish I could have it all the time.