A Quick Update

Obviously my previous promise to blog more often did not work out...since that was in what, September? And it's now a week and a half until Christmas! I guess you could say things got pretty crazy after that!

Richard went...berserk. Even after giving me the okay to date. Not that I needed his permission, but I felt as a respectful friend I should really talk to him about it first. So, I did, he okayed it, and in the end, he was miserable. Told me he was still in love with me and wanted nothing more than to get me back. And apparently he had told this to everyone but me. That made things rather difficult on my part, because I had fought so long and so hard to get him back...only to be turned down repeatedly. Finally, I decided to date Tyler. Finally...I realized it was never going to happen, and then I find out I was wrong?

Well of course I had two choices from there: go with what I know (and what I know can hurt me) or go with something new and, to my knowledge, something that is capable of honesty. So I went with the latter: Tyler.

Obviously my friendship with Richard got extremely rocky after that.

But let's jump ahead, shall we?

Richard kicked me out. He gave me a bullshit money excuse, but I know that's not it. After trying to find a million different options, I'm now living with Tyler. I was terrified to make this leap - terrified it was the wrong choice, that it wouldn't go well straight off the bat. But I was wrong. This is the least stressed I've ever been during a move and things are going amazingly. I'm truly in love with this man and I really see a future here!

I was also worried about how things would go here with Aden, but you know what? The first weekend was perfect. Tyler has really stepped up and is completely comfortable with Aden. It's taken a lot of effort on his part to get there, but I know it won't always. Aden is comfortable with him now too, which thrills me to no end!

I'm seeing Prince with Tyler tonight, which, if you know me at all, you know that's my lifelong dream! And I don't even have to leave the city to do it!! I cannot wait! Two more hours and I'll be seeing the Purple One live in all his glory!

More later, it's dinner time!

:)

Everything

Things have been crazy.

Not in a bad way... just a million things have been going on since I last blogged, and I don't even know where to begin!

Things with Aden have been going amazingly.  His dad and I are FINALLY done living at the court house, and things are finally where I'd like them to be. Of course there is still room for improvement, but it's about as good as it can get right now, and that's really the most I could ask for.

I'm getting every other weekend, and things are now sort of... casual with other visits. Just whenever I'm free, I'll go there and see him. It'll be easier once I'm driving... but until then, this is working well. I have more freedom and it feels fantastic!

Aden is growing too fast though. He started preschool today, and I couldn't even be there to take him to his first day. I wasn't there, and his dad wasn't either... I feel awful. I feel like a really shitty parent, but I still know there was nothing I could've done to be able to take him myself. It's a shitty feeling... but I'm sure all single parents with divided time have to deal with stuff like this. I always tell other parents I know that the guilty feelings... those are signs that you're a good parent... because it shows that you love your child and you wish you could do your very best, when nobody is perfect, really. I tell that to other people, but I just can't feel that myself.

I feel like a better parent than ever lately... but sometimes I just don't.

Anyway... sadness aside, something I can be happy about!

Things at work have been awesome.

I finally got moved to the baby department, and as far as I can tell, I've proved that it was a good choice on my manager's behalf. I've been working my ass off and I've now got the hours to show for it. And more hours = better money, which makes for less stress for me, which feels AWESOME. I can afford to pay my bills, pay child support, AND I should be getting my first credit card in a few days here and I'll be able to pay for that too! It's an amazing feeling, being somewhat financially stable. Of course it could be MUCH better, but I'm not constantly feeling poor all the time, and that in itself is just awesome.

AND I started dating someone too!

His name is Tyler and he's amazing. We have so much in common, but not so much that it gets boring... and I feel like this is the best choice I've made... probably ever. It hasn't affected everything I've done for myself and for Aden in the last 9 months, and he knows damn well that he'll never come first over Aden, which... my last boyfriend (I'm sure it's obvious who I'm referring to) couldn't handle.

I actually met him almost a year ago now, through a friend of Richard's - the four of us went out for Richard's birthday and she was dating this guy. It was the first time I'd ever met that friend, but even to me she and Tyler did not seem like a good couple. We never saw each other again after that, because they broke up.

Until Hannah's birthday at the end of July.

As it turns out, Tyler is the friend of Mike's (her boyfriend) who she was always talking about - saying he was awesome and hilarious and she loved to hang out with him. Ty and I really clicked that night and started talking on facebook and exchanged numbers after that and everything.

Things went a little quickly after that, and we decided to take a risk and just be together - so far, it's working out amazingly.

I've met his friends and his mom, who LOVED me... I haven't felt so great in ages. I'm thrilled that I took the risk.

Course Richard isn't happy for me (he's jealous as hell), and for some reason my sisters aren't either... but everyone else is, so those who aren't can just... get over it!!

I'll try blogging more... promise... but I've been busy!

<3

Update (I'm not very creative)

Well, I had my first weekend with Aden this past weekend.  While it was officially our first overnight together (actually, two), it wasn't how it will be in the future.  We (and by we, I mean my whole family - sisters, dad and Wendy, Richard and Aden) went down to my Grandpa's house for the weekend.  So it wasn't a typical weekend because my whole family was there, and Aden wasn't just under my watch the entire time.  However, that definitely did not make the weekend super awesome and easy.  Aden was very... defiant all weekend.  He always is, of course, but it was a lot to handle at one time.  Everyone (in my family, anyway) seemed really understanding, though, that it was my first weekend in a long time, and that I might need help.

Even Richard was amazing.

I have never asked, or even considered asking, him to help with Aden in any way (at least not beyond driving us around), but he really stepped up this weekend.  There were times where he would ask Aden to do things, or make deals with him to get him to do things (like Aden can share his snack if he starts listening, and things like that)... and at one point, he even took Aden into the house to wash his hands and face.  I was looking for Aden because he had run off after I told him he needed his hands washed... I went into the house to see if Richard saw where he went, and they were both in there washing hands.  It was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen.

Anyway, it was a great weekend overall, aside from having to raise my voice way too often.  It was a really good start to my weekends being underway, and I really can't wait until the next one.

I'm nervous, though, because it will be completely different.  Richard will most likely be working, so it will just be me and Aden.  My family obviously won't be there either.  We won't have as much to do, at least not every weekend - we'll plan zoo trips now and then, but obviously stuff like that won't happen all the time.  Regardless, I'm really looking forward to things moving forward now!

I. Hate. Money.

I do, I hate it.  Probably more than anything.  I hate talking about it, I hate dealing with, and I hate spending it (even on food and other basic needs, when I think I can't).  Of course... I wouldn't feel the same if I HAD any... but I feel like I never will and that stresses me out.

Hours were recently cut at Toys R Us, practically in half... so I went from working mostly 8-hour shifts 5 days a week, to working 6-hours or less 3 days a week.  That's a huge cut in pay.  We've been scraping by, but I don't want to do it much longer.  I took the "full-time" position at Toys R Us because I needed more money... and then only two weeks later, I wasn't getting the full-time hours any longer... the hours I need.

We have been planning on taking Aden down to my Grandpa's (NOW THAT I'VE GOT MY OVERNIGHTS BACK!!!!!!) next weekend, but now we're not sure we can afford it.  We both got paid today, but it's mostly gone after bills got paid.  It takes almost three hours to drive to my Grandpa's... so that quite a bit of gas, which ain't cheap these days.  And then we'd have to buy some snacks, probably beer, and probably outside toys for Aden while we're there.  As far as vacations go... it's cheap... but when you have next to no money, nothing is cheap.

I have even had to ask my dad for money so we can go.  I want to so bad, I know that Aden's dad will be more comfortable if, for my first overnight time with Aden, we're around my family - and there will be a lot of family there.  Richard wants to go (we both have the time off), I want to go, I know Aden would have a good time, his dad would be happier... and of course my family would like for us to go.  And, actually, we'll probably eat better there than we would at my house all weekend... so that's a plus too. And of course, there will be FREE fun there... as opposed to going to the zoo or something if we stay home.

It's just getting there and home that's the issue... which is why I had to ask my dad for money.  I hate doing that... I hate it so much... I'm twenty two, I shouldn't have to need help anymore... should I?  I know, it's probably fine... but I hate it.  My dad keeps thinking that me saying we might not be able to afford gas is my way of saying that Richard doesn't want to go... but it's not... we honestly might not be able to afford gas!!

So now, just thinking about it, I'm stressed, I feel sad, and I don't want to do anything.  I've tried everything to get more money... looking for another job (which I really don't want to do, because I do like mine)... looking for a second job... I just don't know what to do anymore. I have nothing I could sell - and even if I had anything of any value, I'm too much of a packrat to consider it.  I've thought many times of selling knitted stuff... but of course that's a business it would take money to start...

I just do not know what to do next.  We're looking at places to move to to save a little in rent... but beyond that, we're going to be in the same position financially for awhile. :(

Been Awhile

It was brought to my attention last night that my blog has been pretty ignored since like... March.  So I figured maybe it's time for an update.

I'm still just as happy as I was back in that last post, which is fantastic.  I was worried that maybe the whole "being happy" thing was like a big glass roof... and one somewhat bad thing could happen at any moment and send the whole thing crashing down.  I still sort of feel like that could happen, but it hasn't yet... so maybe it just won't.  Whatever ends up happening, I'm not as worried about it as I was before... and I'm not in a place where I'm just waiting for something to happen.  My paranoia is still there, but it's becoming less and less every day.

Anyway...

Things with Aden are getting better.  We went to court after his dad served me with a new parenting order - he wanted all visits to be okayed with him, and all company during visits.  He was asking me for child support payments as well.  I'm 100% sure he just expected me to lie down and accept what he wanted, but I didn't do that - I got a lawyer.

When the issue went to court, I got surprised.  I fought back by asking for one day a week plus Sundays - for now - and to my surprise, his dad offered two days a week plus every other Sunday.  Essentially more hours than what I wanted.  So of course, I accepted.  My lawyer couldn't actually be there, and she sent another one instead, so we pushed the child support issue until July, when we're going back anyway.

I've been going to counselling (which is going very well) since last month, so my lawyer and I decided to revisit the parenting issue in July, when my counselling is well under way, and then I'll be fighting for overnight visits, etc.  I know his dad won't easily give that up, since he still thinks I'm a threat, for some stupid reason... but I'll fight hard for it.  And I'll go to counselling as long as I need to to ease his mind, even though my counsellor doesn't think I'll need more than 5 or 6 visits.  I don't care.  I'll keep going as long as HE thinks I need to, because I want my visits.  I want the visits I deserve.

And of course, Aden's dad is in a pissy mood again these days.  He had some girlfriend who, I guess, is nuts.  She was there when we went to court... and she was 18 weeks pregnant.  So I figured, she'd be there a good long time - and, something I do my best not to think about, I realized if she was 18 weeks along, she would've gotten pregnant during the time that I was living with Aden and his dad... so I had my doubts that the baby was even his.  But knowing Aden's dad, he wouldn't care... and would still do anything to keep this crazy girl around.  I guess their glass roof shattered and she left him - again.  So now, he's miserable.  And you can guarantee that if his misery is still present in July, he'll do anything he can to prevent me taking away more of his time with Aden.  Don't get me wrong... it's not about me giving him less time with Aden... it's just about me getting more.  Closer to equal - that's what I want.

And it's possible, now that Richard has his car!  He got a Dodge Journey about a month ago, and it's so awesome.  He's been taking me to Airdrie on my Sundays with Aden, and we even were able to take Aden to see Kung Fu Panda 2, which was awesome.  Oh... I forgot to mention that my visits have to be supervised by my parents right now... which sucks, but if it's a path to getting visits alone, it's fine for now.  They didn't come to the movie, and my sister came instead... which of course caused an issue with Aden's dad... but I don't care.  My parents may be on the parenting order papers, but we verbally agreed that my sisters would be fine too.  He's just more worried that it's not just Richard and I with him... even though Richard is 100% safe.  When that psycho girl (and her kid) were living with Aden and his dad, every time I saw Aden he had a new bite mark or bruise on his body from that kid - obviously shit like that doesn't happen when he's with us.  His dad has nothing to worry about... he's just paranoid.

Things are easier now that we have a vehicle.  I have yet to learn to drive, but it makes visits so much more easy.  I'm very happy with it.

It makes work easier too.

Last time I posted, I was just about to start work at Lowe's.

Well, that didn't last long.  I got very miserable very quickly.  I liked a few of the people I worked with (people that didn't work near me, but people that worked in the store), and I liked the hourly pay... but that was about it.  I hated getting up at 6 to work at 8:00 or 8:30.  I hated the bitchy head cashiers for delaying my breaks and making it feel like I was bad at my job after only two weeks.  I hated that my hours could go from anywhere to 15/week to 25/week.  I hated that they gave me shit for having to stay home for two days for having PINK EYE.  Overall, I just wasn't happy.

So before Richard got the car, he decided that we should call our old manager from Toys R Us, who had moved to a store in the city... and who had promised Richard a job if he ever needed it, when he quit the other store.  At first he was going to call and get himself a job, while I stuck it out at Lowe's... but he told me I'd have to find a full time job, so I figured I might as well ask our old manager if she had space for me too.

Well, lucky us, she hired us both.  I was, of course, worried about working at Toys R Us again together... given all the shit that went down at the last store, but we had a talk about it, and my mind is at ease.  Richard has promised not to add people on facebook or get any numbers and I've promised the same.  Work friends are just work friends and won't be anything more.... for us both... and so far, so good.  I'm really not too worried about it anyway, because a good majority of the people who work there think we're together anyway, no matter what I tell them!  There's even a lady who we used to work with at the old store who insists we're dating, no matter what I say to her.  Richard says just to let them think what they want... especially if they won't listen.  Oh well, right?

The new job is better than Lowe's.  There are only two people I don't like, and for the most part I like everyone else.  I'm making almost $2 less per hour, but I have more hours so it works out for the best.  Well... I'm supposed to have more hours... until they cut everyone's.  It's not so bad, though.  I'm sure they'll be back up before too long.  At least I hope so.

So, that's pretty much the update!

Just Some Thoughts

I know Richard and I can never be together again... and I have myself convinced that I don't want that anyway, but still, I can't help but wonder... why not just accept what's right in front of you?

I mean... we live together, so we're together every day. We hardly fight anymore (no more than an actual couple would) and things feel really great lately. When I first came back here, it was a temporary solution - I'd be moving out as soon as another option (ANY other option) became available.  That's now changed, and we're both planning on me being back here for awhile.  He'll sometimes get frustrated with me and put a time limit on here, but he's even said himself that that's only when he's frustrated, and he doesn't mean it - he actually wants me to stay for quite awhile.  Of course it's easier now that I'll be starting work - I got a job at Lowe's and my orientation is on Thursday.  It's just part-time for now, because I don't know how I'd cope with full-time again, but it will still make things a lot easier around here.  Richard quit Toys R Us right in the midst of money being tight, and that wouldn't make it any easier... but it was a choice he was okay with making because he knew I'd have money coming in before too long anyway.  So... we live together, we're happy, and we're even making financial plans together.  Isn't that something couples do?  He's looking to lease a vehicle, and he knows he couldn't do that if I wasn't going to keep living here and helping with money, when I have some coming in.  And of course I know that I'd be nothing without him financially too.  We tell each other we love each other, and we're already comfortable with each other... so really, why not just take advantage of what's right in front of us?  Whenever we meet new people (or even if we ran into old friends) they think we're together because of how comfortable we act with each other.

Honestly, I think if Richard just grew up and admitted that part of growing up is committing and giving up on flirting with every girl he encounters, he and I could be a couple. Most of the reason we can't is because of him.  I don't want to be with him the way he is... but if he ever changed, I'd want him back in a second.  We'd be able to avoid the whole...awkward dance of going out and meeting people and "testing the waters" and things like that.  I'm terrified of that. I feel like at the rate I'm going, I'll be 45 before I ever meet someone I even like a little more than the rest of the male population.  So I figure... why bother?  I already know someone who I know will be around forever anyway, and who I know all the good and bad things about, and who knows all the good and bad things about me... so really, what's the point in going out and attempting to track down something new?

I know it's extremely stupid, because I'm NOT in love with Richard that way anymore... but sometimes I wonder, why not just give in and be with your best friend?  Doesn't it just... make sense?

Anyway... that ridiculous thought aside..

I've been thinking a lot about babies lately too, which is also another stupid thing to think about.  I think the baby fever I had last year only subsided because I got "distracted" with my depression and everything.  And now that I'm starting to feel a lot happier overall, it's coming back to haunt me.  I thought it was gone for good... maybe I had gotten smart enough to realize that my life is FAR from good enough to bring another baby into it.  But I guess really the only thing stopping my brain from thinking a baby was a good idea was my depression.

I mean... things are finally heading upward now.

I finally got a job, and I intend on keeping it for a long time. Granted, I don't know yet how much I'll like it, because I haven't started yet, but this time, I'm going to keep job-hunting if I don't like it, so I can find another job BEFORE I end up leaving that one. It's definitely a much better plan than working until I hate my job so much that I get fired from it... and then being screwed for an average of 2 and a half months. No, if I end up hating this job, I'll replace it before I leave!

Things are much better with Richard and I too - we've cleared a lot of the muck from our lives. We've really cut off Carly and Luis altogether, and we've both realized that it was really them causing a lot of the frustration between us.  I had coffee with Carly the other day, and after spending about 2 hours with her just listening to her tell me all kinds of bullshit about Richard, I realized that she only wanted us to fight. I couldn't tell you why, but it was very obvious that day.  So things are over between the four of us now.  They can do/think whatever they want... it isn't going to affect us anymore.  And we've also learned that Toys R Us was causing a lot of tension too. The very day he quit, it seemed like the sun came out and the snow melted and everything was good.  It was amazing!  We've had one fight since, but other than that, things have just seemed... better.

I'm starting counselling soon too, which will help me a lot.  I haven't started yet and I've already started to realize more what I want out of life.  I think counselling will help me make my dreams become reality.  My goals are to work, and once I've got that down and I'm not stressed about it, I want to go back to school.  I'm very determined to do that now.  Even just for an admin. assistant job or something - something I know I can do.  I'm also trying to rediscover what I'm good at.  I've been playing piano again, and yesterday I busted out my sketch book and my charcoal and I made a picture.  It wasn't that great, but it felt amazing to do that again.  Since having Aden, I've forgotten all about the things that made me happy before, and now that he's three, I'm only just remembering them.  I don't want to forget those again.

And then of course there's Aden.  I'm still very sad that I don't have him with me every day, or even some days, but getting that to happen is in the very near future.  Once my counselling is done, I'm going to court to fix the plan his dad and I have now. I'm getting the short end of the stick right now, so once I'm better, I can fight that and get what I deserve.  And I deserve my son at least part of every week.  Not a shitty five minute phone call or a ten minute conversation on Skype once or twice a week.  Not meeting my stepmom and Aden at the mall for lunch for an hour every couple weeks.  No, I deserve sleepovers and breakfasts and trips to the zoo and actual parenthood.  I know that, and when I start to get better, I'm damn well going to get it.  Not only that, but once Richard gets his car (which should be as soon as May), he's agreed to pick up Aden sometimes.  I'll of course pay for the gas and I'll never make him do it if he doesn't want to... but that once in awhile will really help.  I plan on convincing him to teach me how to drive too, so once I'm okay with it, even I can drive to pick him up.  That'll be great.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah... babies.

It's not like I'm going to rush and start planning a baby (especially since I'm single), but I can definitely say for sure that IF it did happen, I wouldn't head back to the abortion clinic.  I'm convinced that I'm already on the road to being healthy... and so I'm back to my old ways of the delightful thing I call baby fever.

What a pointless post... enjoy!

February

To me, February now signifies change.  And I do not like it.  Change is overwhelming.  Change is scary.  And that's all February is to me now.  The entire month, I've been thinking "it's been a year since..." - I knew that remembering all those days would come back to haunt me.

It was early in February last year when Aden's dad and I broke up.  I don't remember the exact date of that one, but I know it was early in the month.  I don't miss being with Aden's dad, but obviously a lot has changed since then that I'm not exactly fond of.  I don't get to see Aden very often at all, I'm struggling with trying to find out who I am and what I want (and how to get there), and I just generally don't know anything about anything anymore.  I'm twenty two and I'm just now trying to figure out my life.  I always wanted to figure things out, before Aden's dad came along... but when he did, and then Aden came, I completely forgot about everything I wanted... and I'm just NOW trying to remember what those things were.

Then there's February fourteenth - Valentine's Day.  I've never been a fan of that day, because I've never had a boyfriend who cared in the least about it.  On that day last year, though, I had my first kiss with Richard.  It was the first time we saw each other after the break up with Aden's dad, and we took advantage of that.  That was one of the happiest days I had in a very long time, hands down.  Nothing was bad in my life yet - yeah, I had broken up with Aden's dad, but I was still seeing Aden every day.  I had a guy who loved me more than anyone ever had, it seemed, and I felt like nothing bad could happen.  When that day rolled around this year, it didn't remind me of the great guy I had and lost (at least as a boyfriend).  No, I didn't get sappy about that... it was more about the way things have changed since.  I realized how naive I was then... and how easily I trusted someone I clearly didn't know at all.  I was so stupid.  Of course things didn't change for awhile after that, but now I know I'll never have another Valentine's Day nearly as good as that one - hell, I'll never even have another semi-decent one.  Men are overrated.

And then comes February twenty seventh.  Normally I don't remember specific dates of stupid things, I should add - I only remember February fourteenth because it's Valentine's Day, and I remember February twenty seventh because I still have the train ticket from that day.  I've kept a lot of train tickets and movie stubs, either intentionally or because they get shoved in a pocket and forgotten about, and they've become sentimental mementos of the past.  Sometimes it sucks being a sentimental packrat!  Anyway - February twenty seventh... that was the first time I actually went home with Richard.  I guess I sort of consider it the start of our relationship, though the actual day that decision was made is foggy.  We spent that day after work making out in public, which normally grosses me out, but we were so ridiculously into each other than it couldn't be helped.  We made the decision to go home together, and it was not a regretted decision.  We hardly slept that night.  We stayed up watching movies and eating pizza, and we slept together for the first time - three times.  Even at the start, it was the most incredible sex I've ever had... and considering the amount of sex I've had, I seriously have my doubts that I'll ever have such an amazing lover again.  At least I was lucky enough to experience what I have though, right?  Anyway... enough about the sex.  That's not what this is about.  Again, of course, I miss how much things have changed since then.  I don't have the confidence in myself I did then - I've lost most of that.  I'm not trusting anymore - I don't trust Richard, and I want nothing to do with men.  I'm not open to a relationship, and I'm especially not open to falling "in love" - right now I'm in a mindset where I really don't think I ever will want that again.  This time last year, I felt INCREDIBLE.  I loved myself, I loved how Richard made me feel, and I felt like my life would never be bad again.  I felt like my search was over.  I had a lot of growing to do, and I knew that, but I honestly thought I had a mate for life.  I felt like THAT part of my life couldn't possibly go bad.  I can't believe how easily I trusted then... even after being lied to so much by others in the past.  I was so, so stupid.

And now?  In February 2011?  My heart's been broken, and stomped on, and like... shoved in a trash compactor multiple times.  The last year has been... incredible, unforgettable, frustrated, and awful all in one twelve-month time span.  I hate it, but I wouldn't change it, because I wouldn't have made any different choices - I know that much.  The only thing I wish could've been different is the changes in my relationship with the most important person in my life - my son.  I hate how little I've seen him in the last year (specifically the last six months or so).  I hate that I'm missing so much.  I hate that it's his birthday in nine days and I don't even know if I get to see him that day - hell, I hate that I can't even get him something for his birthday.

I also hate that I no longer have any faith in any person.  I am not open to meeting someone new because I don't want anything bad to happen ever again.  Just knowing that men can be so... cruel completely turns me off of ever "looking for love".  I already have a son... I don't need anything else from a man.  Jeez... and this time last year, I wanted another child, and I wanted to be with "the greatest guy ever" forever.  Now I don't want another child if it means commitment to a lying son-of-a-bitch, which is now what I feel all men are.

This time last year... I didn't hate myself.  I didn't feel depressed most of the time.  I didn't need medication or counselling and I never struggled to even get out of bed in the morning.

I hate February, and I hate change.

I Don't Want To

Right now, I'm a shut in.  Given everything that's going on, I just... don't want to have a social life.  I don't want to have to talk about what's going on, I don't want to have to tell people what's going on if they don't already know, and I don't want to hear their pointless suggestions on how to fix my problems.  I'm sure that makes me sound like a bitch, but really, no... right now, I don't want it.  Of the few friends who even know I'm depressed (and that's all they know), all I hear is pointless suggestions that I would love to appreciate but I really don't.  I mean... do they all think I haven't tried just being happy?  Or I haven't already tried distracting myself or finding something to do?  Of course I have!  Fine, thanks for the suggestion, but when you're as depressed as me, it doesn't work.  What advice would these friends offer if they knew everything else that was going on?  I don't even want to know.  So I avoid it.

Every single time I talk to one friend, he flirts, says he wants to hang out, we can get drunk, etc, etc.  Right now, I do not want to be flirted with, and I'm honestly on the verge of telling any guy who tries to shut up.  I don't want to hang out, for the reasons I said above, and well, I can't get drunk -- really, I can't.  Of course I feel bad for not seeing this friend, since he's not even here for that long because he works up north... but I just don't want to deal with a social life right now.  What am I supposed to say?

The only friend I want to see is the one I see every day.  He's the only one who knows everything that's going on, and he's the only one who doesn't offer useless advice or who could judge me.  This is why he's my best friend.  I can be around him with no pressure and without feeling like I have any secrets.  It's easy to hang out with him... it's not a chore like I feel like it could be with anybody else.  I don't have to watch my mouth... I don't have to be careful what I say.  Around anyone else, I'd have to be careful what I say, because they don't know something -- I could reference something they don't know about at any moment.  But here, it's not like that.  It's relaxing... not more added stress.

I want to just flip out and say, even in all caps: "I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT RIGHT NOW... STOP ASKING!!'' but then of course I'd lose more friends than I already have.  I may not have the desire to see any friends right now, but I don't want to lose them altogether.  I have no idea how I'm supposed to go about fixing this issue.  If I say I don't want to hang out for awhile, they'll ask why, and then what?  I give the depression excuse and then it's, "Hang out with me, I'll make you feel better."  Well no, you won't, actually.  If I thought that would help, I would do it!  I can't really explain beyond that without being judged, and that's the last thing I want.  I know, I shouldn't care what people think... but really, no one wants to be judged by their friends... especially for things you're going through.

Ugh... sometimes it'd be nice if there were more people in my life who I knew I could talk to and feel comfortable around.  Being a shut-in is so sad.

Rock Bottom - Happy New Year

I feel like I've hit rock bottom.  There are a lot of reasons, and I really don't feel like talking about them all AGAIN, so I'll just mention the basic points:

• I'm pregnant again, and I'm getting an abortion.  I feel like I'm not stable enough mentally -- not even close -- to handle nine months of pregnancy AND the agonizing months that follow, and the hellish hormones that go along with them.  It was a tough choice to make, but it was one I had to make.  I feel like it's my only option, and so far, no one's really disagreed.  I am sure I'll regret it somewhat after, for how long I don't know, but that's something I will have to deal with.  I think regretting having an abortion will be easier to cope with than if I had the baby and regretted that.
• Aden's dad kicked me out.  It's a very long story, and I DO NOT want to get into the details, but the result is bad enough, I think.  So now I don't get to see Aden and I can't talk to him at all (even when he's at my dad's, just because of circumstances) until like... Thursday, and then after that, we'll see.  It's killing me being away from him again.
• I'm losing my job -- yeah, the one I JUST got.  I expected it, because I've been missing so many shifts due to being depressed and having morning sickness.  And aside from that, I was only hired on as seasonal with the possibility of being kept on, so it was easy for them to drop me.  But still, it's kind of just one more thing on top of everything else.

So that's basically it.  And this is on top of the already exsisting depression I'm dealing with, and so many other things.  I'm stuck back at Richard's for now, which is really alright, because he's the only one in my real life who knows EVERYTHING that's going on, even if he doesn't always want to talk about it.  He's the only one who's here for me without criticising me, and that's what I need.

My family all claims they're here for me... but their support always comes with critisicm.  I know that they probably know more about how I feel than anybody else, but they way they talk to me, I still feel like they don't know.  They think they're helping when they talk to me, but they aren't.  They only want answers, which I don't have, and they only want to know what I'm doing next, which I also do not know.  They keep offering "helpful advice", but I just don't see it that way.  I have to start feeling better before I can do anything else, I think.

And then there are my "friends".  I would LOVE to be able to talk to them about everything... tell them about being kicked out, about losing my job, and especially about the pregnancy/abortion, but I can't.  Carly has judged everything I have ever done, and she takes it personally when I make a mistake -- even one that doesn't affect her in the least.  So to tell her all of those things, she would tear me a new one -- and of course, she would take it to heart, as if every choice I have made was to spite her.  She invited Richard, and then me, over for New Years Eve, and then got extremely upset when I chose not to go -- and I chose not to go so I could avoid doing/saying something to upset her.  I did what I thought was the better choice, and then got burned for it.  In the end, Richard came home and decided he doesn't need her, because she attacked him for still being my friend and for taking me in!  What I need now more than ever is friends like Richard, but I guess she doesn't understand that some people are like him -- understanding.  I suppose maybe she wants me to be alone, so I can't hurt anyone with my choices.  Granted, I have made some selfish choices, but I did not make them to spite ANYONE -- she is being selfish by acting as though my bad choices WERE made to spite her, and then hating me for it.

But that is fine.  I'm not about to put all of my focus into winning her back when I have so many other things to focus on.  If she doesn't think I need her, then I don't.  I have one understanding and forgiving friend -- I don't need one who pretends to be.


So basically, I'm starting 2011 in a deep, dark hole, and I don't know how to climb out.

I have a job interview tomorrow, but I'm nervous for so many reasons.  I'm nervous that I won't deal well with working, when my last job went so well.  I think I will ask for part-time, with the possibility of moving up to full-time later on or something... and we'll see what happens.  I need a job that's flexible, for when emergencies come up, and things like that.

Ugh... well, happy new year anyway.