February

To me, February now signifies change.  And I do not like it.  Change is overwhelming.  Change is scary.  And that's all February is to me now.  The entire month, I've been thinking "it's been a year since..." - I knew that remembering all those days would come back to haunt me.

It was early in February last year when Aden's dad and I broke up.  I don't remember the exact date of that one, but I know it was early in the month.  I don't miss being with Aden's dad, but obviously a lot has changed since then that I'm not exactly fond of.  I don't get to see Aden very often at all, I'm struggling with trying to find out who I am and what I want (and how to get there), and I just generally don't know anything about anything anymore.  I'm twenty two and I'm just now trying to figure out my life.  I always wanted to figure things out, before Aden's dad came along... but when he did, and then Aden came, I completely forgot about everything I wanted... and I'm just NOW trying to remember what those things were.

Then there's February fourteenth - Valentine's Day.  I've never been a fan of that day, because I've never had a boyfriend who cared in the least about it.  On that day last year, though, I had my first kiss with Richard.  It was the first time we saw each other after the break up with Aden's dad, and we took advantage of that.  That was one of the happiest days I had in a very long time, hands down.  Nothing was bad in my life yet - yeah, I had broken up with Aden's dad, but I was still seeing Aden every day.  I had a guy who loved me more than anyone ever had, it seemed, and I felt like nothing bad could happen.  When that day rolled around this year, it didn't remind me of the great guy I had and lost (at least as a boyfriend).  No, I didn't get sappy about that... it was more about the way things have changed since.  I realized how naive I was then... and how easily I trusted someone I clearly didn't know at all.  I was so stupid.  Of course things didn't change for awhile after that, but now I know I'll never have another Valentine's Day nearly as good as that one - hell, I'll never even have another semi-decent one.  Men are overrated.

And then comes February twenty seventh.  Normally I don't remember specific dates of stupid things, I should add - I only remember February fourteenth because it's Valentine's Day, and I remember February twenty seventh because I still have the train ticket from that day.  I've kept a lot of train tickets and movie stubs, either intentionally or because they get shoved in a pocket and forgotten about, and they've become sentimental mementos of the past.  Sometimes it sucks being a sentimental packrat!  Anyway - February twenty seventh... that was the first time I actually went home with Richard.  I guess I sort of consider it the start of our relationship, though the actual day that decision was made is foggy.  We spent that day after work making out in public, which normally grosses me out, but we were so ridiculously into each other than it couldn't be helped.  We made the decision to go home together, and it was not a regretted decision.  We hardly slept that night.  We stayed up watching movies and eating pizza, and we slept together for the first time - three times.  Even at the start, it was the most incredible sex I've ever had... and considering the amount of sex I've had, I seriously have my doubts that I'll ever have such an amazing lover again.  At least I was lucky enough to experience what I have though, right?  Anyway... enough about the sex.  That's not what this is about.  Again, of course, I miss how much things have changed since then.  I don't have the confidence in myself I did then - I've lost most of that.  I'm not trusting anymore - I don't trust Richard, and I want nothing to do with men.  I'm not open to a relationship, and I'm especially not open to falling "in love" - right now I'm in a mindset where I really don't think I ever will want that again.  This time last year, I felt INCREDIBLE.  I loved myself, I loved how Richard made me feel, and I felt like my life would never be bad again.  I felt like my search was over.  I had a lot of growing to do, and I knew that, but I honestly thought I had a mate for life.  I felt like THAT part of my life couldn't possibly go bad.  I can't believe how easily I trusted then... even after being lied to so much by others in the past.  I was so, so stupid.

And now?  In February 2011?  My heart's been broken, and stomped on, and like... shoved in a trash compactor multiple times.  The last year has been... incredible, unforgettable, frustrated, and awful all in one twelve-month time span.  I hate it, but I wouldn't change it, because I wouldn't have made any different choices - I know that much.  The only thing I wish could've been different is the changes in my relationship with the most important person in my life - my son.  I hate how little I've seen him in the last year (specifically the last six months or so).  I hate that I'm missing so much.  I hate that it's his birthday in nine days and I don't even know if I get to see him that day - hell, I hate that I can't even get him something for his birthday.

I also hate that I no longer have any faith in any person.  I am not open to meeting someone new because I don't want anything bad to happen ever again.  Just knowing that men can be so... cruel completely turns me off of ever "looking for love".  I already have a son... I don't need anything else from a man.  Jeez... and this time last year, I wanted another child, and I wanted to be with "the greatest guy ever" forever.  Now I don't want another child if it means commitment to a lying son-of-a-bitch, which is now what I feel all men are.

This time last year... I didn't hate myself.  I didn't feel depressed most of the time.  I didn't need medication or counselling and I never struggled to even get out of bed in the morning.

I hate February, and I hate change.