Rock Bottom - Happy New Year

I feel like I've hit rock bottom.  There are a lot of reasons, and I really don't feel like talking about them all AGAIN, so I'll just mention the basic points:

• I'm pregnant again, and I'm getting an abortion.  I feel like I'm not stable enough mentally -- not even close -- to handle nine months of pregnancy AND the agonizing months that follow, and the hellish hormones that go along with them.  It was a tough choice to make, but it was one I had to make.  I feel like it's my only option, and so far, no one's really disagreed.  I am sure I'll regret it somewhat after, for how long I don't know, but that's something I will have to deal with.  I think regretting having an abortion will be easier to cope with than if I had the baby and regretted that.
• Aden's dad kicked me out.  It's a very long story, and I DO NOT want to get into the details, but the result is bad enough, I think.  So now I don't get to see Aden and I can't talk to him at all (even when he's at my dad's, just because of circumstances) until like... Thursday, and then after that, we'll see.  It's killing me being away from him again.
• I'm losing my job -- yeah, the one I JUST got.  I expected it, because I've been missing so many shifts due to being depressed and having morning sickness.  And aside from that, I was only hired on as seasonal with the possibility of being kept on, so it was easy for them to drop me.  But still, it's kind of just one more thing on top of everything else.

So that's basically it.  And this is on top of the already exsisting depression I'm dealing with, and so many other things.  I'm stuck back at Richard's for now, which is really alright, because he's the only one in my real life who knows EVERYTHING that's going on, even if he doesn't always want to talk about it.  He's the only one who's here for me without criticising me, and that's what I need.

My family all claims they're here for me... but their support always comes with critisicm.  I know that they probably know more about how I feel than anybody else, but they way they talk to me, I still feel like they don't know.  They think they're helping when they talk to me, but they aren't.  They only want answers, which I don't have, and they only want to know what I'm doing next, which I also do not know.  They keep offering "helpful advice", but I just don't see it that way.  I have to start feeling better before I can do anything else, I think.

And then there are my "friends".  I would LOVE to be able to talk to them about everything... tell them about being kicked out, about losing my job, and especially about the pregnancy/abortion, but I can't.  Carly has judged everything I have ever done, and she takes it personally when I make a mistake -- even one that doesn't affect her in the least.  So to tell her all of those things, she would tear me a new one -- and of course, she would take it to heart, as if every choice I have made was to spite her.  She invited Richard, and then me, over for New Years Eve, and then got extremely upset when I chose not to go -- and I chose not to go so I could avoid doing/saying something to upset her.  I did what I thought was the better choice, and then got burned for it.  In the end, Richard came home and decided he doesn't need her, because she attacked him for still being my friend and for taking me in!  What I need now more than ever is friends like Richard, but I guess she doesn't understand that some people are like him -- understanding.  I suppose maybe she wants me to be alone, so I can't hurt anyone with my choices.  Granted, I have made some selfish choices, but I did not make them to spite ANYONE -- she is being selfish by acting as though my bad choices WERE made to spite her, and then hating me for it.

But that is fine.  I'm not about to put all of my focus into winning her back when I have so many other things to focus on.  If she doesn't think I need her, then I don't.  I have one understanding and forgiving friend -- I don't need one who pretends to be.


So basically, I'm starting 2011 in a deep, dark hole, and I don't know how to climb out.

I have a job interview tomorrow, but I'm nervous for so many reasons.  I'm nervous that I won't deal well with working, when my last job went so well.  I think I will ask for part-time, with the possibility of moving up to full-time later on or something... and we'll see what happens.  I need a job that's flexible, for when emergencies come up, and things like that.

Ugh... well, happy new year anyway.