Goodbye Comfort

The last bit of comfort in my life has officially come to a close.  Work let me go.  The one manager called me yesterday to break the news.  She said if it was up to her, she wouldn't have done it ... but it was a decision all the managers had to make together.  All of my friends still working there are a bit surprised, and I've got to say, I'm a bit surprised myself.  It's one of those places where they don't fire you unless they HAVE to ... like if you hardly ever come to work, or you're always late or things like that.  Aside from my numbers (which was the only real reason they could give me) I was good at my job.  I was one of the fastest cashiers there, and I got along well with mostly everyone.  Most of the people who've been fired in the past have been people that no one particularly liked and there was always more than one reason to let them go -- with me, it doesn't make much sense to anyone.

I don't really have any hard feelings though -- I was more than ready to let it go.  Granted, I would've much rather had another job set up to make the transition easier ... but if it's got to happen this way, I just have to accept it.  I understand their BS reason why they had to let me go, and I mean ... I was preparing to quit anyway, as soon as I had another job set up, so I really can't make myself have hard feelings about it.  Richard is making it easier to deal with too.  He got this apartment because it was something he could afford by himself ... so he really doesn't need my paycheck to pay rent too.  At first I felt terrible for getting fired before I found something else ... because if I live here, I should contribute even if he can handle it alone.  But he came up with a solution which makes me feel a little better: I'm paying bills with this last decent paycheck I got today (the last decent one for who knows how long) and Richard is going to take care of rent.  After that, hopefully we can stay comfortable and full until I find something else.

And speaking of finding something else, I decided I'm gonna go downtown to all the awesome stores down there and apply.  I was down there yesterday having lunch with Richard and shopping with my friend and I saw a lot of places with NOW HIRING signs in their windows.  At first I was thinking that would be too far away to work, but then I thought about it, and it's really not.  I live a 5-minute walk from the train station, and downtown is only five or six stops away.  I can get there in about 10 or 15 minutes -- it's totally doable.  I could have lunch with Richard, I could have lunch with Carly once her school starts up again, and when I get into college, that's right downtown too, and I could go right to work from school if I needed to!  I think it's totally a wise choice to make.  So some day next week, I'm going to go meet Richard for lunch again and then I'll spend the afternoon handing out resumes.

I'm optimistic here -- it won't be so bad.  I can find something before too long, I think.  It'll be easy, now that I'm living in the city.  I probably would've panicked if this had happened before I moved, but now, it's really not so bad.

Weekend = YIKES

So my weekend has been ... less than pleasant, we'll say.

Yesterday (Saturday) was just ... UGH. I have hated Saturday nights for quite awhile now, for many reasons. First of all, the fact that we're incredibly understaffed on Saturday nights (though any manager will deny that fact). We never have enough people to successfully leave the store in a tidy state, especially if it's extremely busy beforehand. Then there's the closing assistant manager on Saturdays. She's a huge tool, it seems, and she has this incredibly annoying desire to impress her higher-ups, so she works us all harder than any other manager. She gives us all to-do lists that we just can't complete, because like I said before, there's not enough of us. She wants all the other managers to think she's doing a good job on her only shift that she closes alone, which is ridiculous since even they don't try to work us that hard.

Last night, she made up huge impossible to-do lists for us ... at eight o' clock. By eight o' clock, we should all be doing what we were assigned to do -- and we all were -- but she decides to tack on a whole bunch more right at the end of the night. Naturally this annoyed every one of us, so we obviously didn't react to it with pleasure. I, for example, had the girls' bathroom assigned to me, so I cleaned it at eight o' clock. I usually get it done at seven or eight, depending on how busy I am. Eight is the absolute latest I get it done ... so that's what I did. Obviously I can't deny people use of the bathroom after that, so the counter got messed up after I cleaned it. The manager insited that I clean it again, so I did. Just a quick wipe up and I was done. Then, at about five minutes to nine (we close at nine), she made me go in there AGAIN. Once again, there was water on the counter and shit on the floor. I have cleaned shit up off the floor at least four times in the last six months -- it's gross! Ah, the delights of working in a toy store. Aside from that, I was PISSED that I had to do the bathroom THREE times in an hour. Any other manager wouldn't care, as long as it had been done once before we closed. I couldn't believe how anal she was being.

Most of the managers let us out of the store at 9:15 at the LATEST, even if the store isn't up to snuff. Not last night's manager though. Every single time she closes, she keeps us until around 9:30, making sure everything is PERFECT. Last night it was 9:25 when she let us out, after making an incredibly annoying speech about us giving her "attitude" and not doing what we were told. Well, when you give people impossible lists of things to get done, in an impossible time to do it, yeah, we're gonna give you attitude. Don't be a bitch and we won't have that problem!

I also made it very clear to her that I HAD to leave well before 9:20 to catch my bus home, but guess what? She didn't give a shit. Luckily for me, a friend of mine offered me a ride -- otherwise I would've been waiting until 10:30 for the very last bus of the night ... and I would've been MAD.


Then when I got home last night, I was met with something completely new. Richard had found my "diary" and read it. I have kept a journal for ... years, really, but I only have one (from when I was 18) here in our apartment. All the others are still packed away in storage. He was looking through my boxes that are up in the closet, and was intrigued by that. My journal, though, isn't like a lot of people's. It's ... stories I've written, sort of. I like writing, but writing out my life isn't always that thrilling ... so I make it up. No one has EVER known that before, no boyfriend, no friend, nothing ... so I was INCREDIBLY embarassed to find out he'd read it. I wasn't mad ... just embarassed. I was afraid he'd find it ... childish, stupid ... any negative thing someone could possibly think of something like that.

So I cried. A lot. We sat on the couch talking about it for awhile, and I felt like he was criticizing me for what I had written. Then he said, "You're under the impression that I love you less." Followed by, "But I think I love you more." And then ... a bunch more tears from me. After a bit more talking, he said "You have an incredible talent. What I read was really good. I couldn't put it down ... and it's hard to find a book I can't put down."

I was absolutely shocked. I couldn't believe he was telling me that! It felt amazing! I may have written about nothing particularly important, and I never finish I thing I write ... but he liked it! He thinks I'm good at it! I was ... amazed!

I'm still embarassed that he read it, but I'm far from angry. It actually feels nice to get that off my chest, even if I'm not the one did it. It was forced, but good.

We spent the night together, and woke up incredibly happy. I loved it.


Today, however, SUCKED.

It started out with a lecture on my "numbers" -- the fact that I never sell protection plans at work, and they all think I've given up. I tried to defend it again, but of course, it wasn't all that successful.

I continued along my day, hating my job and wishing the day would be over, until Luis came up to me and told me he was taking Amy out of service and putting me in. At work, whoever is in service does the most transactions in a day and should do awesome at selling protection plans. Amy, who was in service, almost always hits her goal and they never have a problem with her. So taking her out and putting me in made NO sense. If you want to force me to sell, put me on CASH so I don't fuck up that much -- putting me in service will just result in a lower average for everyone, resulting in less hours for everyone, all at my fault. Yeah, THAT's what I want -- more reason for them to pick on me.

I took an extra long fifteen minute break after that, to collect my frustrations, and then I challenged that decision. It was stupid and made no sense to me. Granted, I was extremely frustrated and had a fair bit of attitude towards the managers, but they sure as hell can't deny that it was a stupid idea.

The manager grilled me about my protection plans again, and I told her that I haven't given up on selling them, if that's what they think. So she said she'd have to talk to "her team" and let me know if they've "given up on me".

Long story short, she's going to call me tomorrow or Tuesday and let me know if they're letting me go. Yep, I've put a year in at that fucking place (a year and eleven days to be precise) but that means nothing. They're willing to just let me go over one bad day. Unbelieveable.

Then they sent me home early. Instead of getting of at 6 and getting home at 7:15, I was here by 3:30-ish. I'm not complaining -- I didn't want to be there anymore -- but it's still quite upsetting.


And now, I'm going to listen to the storm outside and consider a nap. Hopefully this week I can find a new job, so I'm covered if they fire me, or I can quit if they don't. I'm sick of all the politics and drama at that place!

Depression

So up until recently, I was pretty sure I was bipolar. It runs in my family, and my mom was always sure I had it to. She even brought it up to my doctor, but I never wanted to be diagnosed. So went undiagnosed, sort of just assuming that I was. It never seemed too serious if I did have it, so I really wasn't too worried about getting it diagnosed or taken care of. When I was a teenager I felt that if I got rid of that part of me, it would be like getting rid of part of personality. I don't really feel that way now, in particular, but I guess that stayed part of it for awhile.

I stopped thinking I was bipolar awhile ago though, around the time of my break-up with Aden's dad ... and possibly before. I just realized that it wasn't ME making me have mood swings ... it was everything in my life, really. It wasn't a part of my personality after all ... it was really just an affect of everything going on around me.

Now, though, I think there's something "wrong" again. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. If I am, it certainly isn't a serious amount of depression, but it's there just the same. I'm obviously not an expert on depression or bipolar, but I think there's a fine line between the two. Because not only does bipolar run in my family, but depression does too. So now, given how things have been lately (and in my whole life, actually) I'm pretty positive that depression is my issue.

I know I should probably go to my doctor and really get diagnosed, but I dunno ... I really don't want to. At least not just yet. He put both my sisters on antidepressents this year, and I really don't know how they both like it. My one sister told me that it's easy to get hooked on them, and hard to be weaned off ... so I'm kind of scared of that. I used to avoid taking any kind of medication, really. I was even hesitant once upon a time to go on birth control! So yeah ... I'm really hesitant to talk to my doctor about it, because I'm sure he'll jump right to drugs to take care of the problem.

So I'm looking into natural remedies for it first, to see if I can make myself feel a little better about things on my own. I know that exercise can help, and I've been doing a lot of that lately. It's not really a long-lasting effect, but it helps me get through my day anyway. Then there's changes in your diet that can help too -- healthier food, obviously, and I think I'll get myself some vitamins so I can still get what I'm missing from my usual diet. If those don't help, I'll try something else. There are several different "natural" ways to help with depression (not serious depression, but just mild cases, like what I think I have) ... so hopefully I can find something, or a combination of things, that will work.

Not only that, but changing things for myself helps me feel pretty good too. I got a money order for my transcripts the other day, I've got the form to get my transcripts, and as soon as those are sent, I'm applying for school. I'll apply for the January semester so I have time to work my ass off before that, and hopefully come 2011, I'll be a college kid! It feels awesome to think that I could really be doing something with my life ... even if it is just an Administrative Professional Certificate!

Hopefully I start to feel better about things here soon. I mean ... don't get me wrong. I have a lot of good days ... but the bad days ... they can get pretty harsh.

Here's to feeling good soon!

Timeline

I realize that I've already posted once today, but I got to thinking after that ... about how much my life has changed, and I thought I'd blog about that too.


8 years ago I was fourteen and had just moved to the town my family still lives in. I was scared of everything, I was shy, and I hardly had any friends.

7 years ago one of the first big changes for the better took place. I made the best friends I had ever had in my life up until then. I'm still friends with several of them, though not as good as we were then. I also started dating a guy I'd stay with for quite some time after. That was grade ten.

5 years ago, or closer to 4 I guess, that boyfriend and I broke up after two and a half years together. That was about four months before graduating high school, so it was quite a life-altering change at the time. I started dating another guy after that -- turns out he was a real rebound. Then I graduated high school and so much changed after that. A few of my close friends (and a lot of people I knew) had plans to go to college ... and I didn't.

4 years ago I turned 18, and my whole outlook on life burst, pretty much. I started drinking, partying, and sleeping around. The stretch of promiscuity ended with Aden's dad in 2007. That summer, I found out I was pregnant, which was really just scary at the time. I lost most of my friends, and became quite depressed. I hadn't been working and I had no plans to really "grow up". Basically, I was nothing but a pregnant failure.

2 and a half years ago Aden was born. To this day he is still the best thing that's ever happened to me, despite what a lot of people might think. I love him more than anyone or anything in my whole life, and I would like to think that he's one of the main reasons I am currently trying to change things in my life.

A year and a half ago Aden's dad "proposed" to me. He had no ring and no real intentions to follow through with it, but I accepted anyway. That was basically it for that part of our relationship.

1 year ago, almost exactly, I got my job at Toys R Us. I met some amazing people who'd only become more important to as the following year progressed -- people I'd like to always have in my life.

9 or 10 months ago I met Richard. It was not a memorable meeting -- there were a ton of people being hired on at the time. I'll never forget the first time we really spoke though ... never.

8 months ago Aden's dad and I nearly went through a very rough break-up. Things had been falling apart for awhile and it seemed as though they had reached an end.

7 months ago Richard and I started to talk -- a lot. Facebook conversations were nearly a daily occurence, and we learned a lot about each other. The facebook conversations quickly turned to text message conversations, which would last all day, and late into the night. Falling for him was something that snuck up on me, but it was something I accepted willingly. I stopped sleeping in the same bed as Aden's dad, which was not surprising given the unraveling that had taken place in the previous year.

6 months ago things officially ended with Aden's dad and I. I made no move to leave his house, though, which only confused things.

5 and a half months ago he kicked me out. He found out about the things going on between Richard and I, and I moved back in with my parents. Things did not, however, get easier from there ... and it was only complicated between Richard and I. However, I began to change. I suddenly wanted a better life for myself, all brought on my Richard and all the changes. I realized that I could do better for myself ... not just be what people expected.

5 months ago and our relationship was officially underway. Richard was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend, and everything was beautiful. Things became very serious very quickly, and we fell in love like I could never imagine two people could so fast. Looking back, I probably should've been more cautious.

About 4 months ago we made plans to move out together. It was really fast, and not easily accepted by anyone, really, but it was what we wanted and we were moving forward. We were so in love, and it was amazing.

A month and a half ago Richard broke my heart. He lied and cheated (or not) and confused me ... and then he dumped me. Everything was different and confusing and I didn't know what to think. I felt like all the changes I was making were for nothing, and I was angry.

3 weeks ago we moved into our apartment. Richard told me he didn't want me to sleep in my own room, he didn't want to be without me ... he wanted to be with me again. So we got back together. Things were amazing again, really. All was forgiven ... but I really had no idea.

2 weeks ago he broke up with me ... AGAIN. I was stupid and naive and I let him do what I expected him to. I found out a lot of truths about "us" and I learned that our whole relationship was not what it had seemed. Once again, I felt like everything I had been working on had been completely pointless, and that I really should just give up. Well ... I didn't give up, and I have yet to. Yeah, I'm still stupid and naive, but ... I really don't know what to do about that.

1 week ago the truth came out. I found out what everyone thought of me and our relationship, and it all hurts. It still hurts. I have to try and focus on other things because it hurts too much to think about. I get sick to my stomach and I get the "I want to give up" feelings again. It's ... awful, really.


What's next? I really wish I knew.

First of all, I'm making no plans and I'm trying not to keep my hopes up when it comes to relationships. I'm giving "single" a try, if you can even call what we're doing single. Whatever it is, it's working so far. It's frustrating at times, and it can hurt, but we're happy most days. I'm trying not to focus too much on what it is or isn't.

Second, I'm going to apply for college. Just to be an administrative assistant, but hey, it's something. I'm going to apply ASAP, and I'm sure it'll mean good things for me.

Third, I'm trying to grow the fuck up! I have to stop dwelling on the past (which is basically the whole point of this) and start focussing on what I can do for MY future. I have to stop blaming myself for all the bad things, and give myself a good reason to move on: ME.


Ugh ... what a pointless blog entry ... but whatever.

Home Sweet Home

So for those who don't know (cause I'm not sure whether or not I've mentioned it here), I go back to my dad's house every Sunday through Tuesday to spend my days with Aden. I sometimes complain about going back there to see him, but it's not because I don't want to see him -- it's because I'd much rather have Aden come to my house. I really like my apartment ... I like being able to do my own thing without having my parents and my sisters in the way, I like having everything I need in one place, and I guess ... I just like feeling like a grown-up who relies on myself, rather than on my parents.

Anyway, I FINALLY got Aden to my house yesterday! We spend Sunday night at my parents' house, but my stepmom graciously drove us here yesterday around noon. I was so excited to get him here, so we could spend some time just together.

The afternoon went very well. He played quietly and he was a hell of a lot more calm than he is at my dad's house with his crazy aunts getting him all excited. I didn't know my two-year old could be that well-behaved!

I tried to keep it a surprise for my roomie until he got home, but that didn't last, and I ended up telling him over facebook that Aden and I were here. He seemed pleased that we were, and said that would've been a nice surprise to come home to -- mainly he was happy about because he knew I was happy about it.

The night, however, did not go as flawlessly. Aden wasn't being bad, per se, but he was being loud and rambunctious. It annoyed Richard easily after he'd been home for awhile, so he kind of just ... sunk into a quiet annoyance and didn't say anything. He wouldn't say something was wrong, but I know him better than he thinks I do, so I knew something was.

Aden went to bed easier than he has in a VERY long time -- he was asleep by 8:30 last night, which was awesome, so I got to spend some time with Richard. Finally he would talk. He said it wasn't going to work with him coming there all time ... cause he just wasn't ready for it, and he doesn't know if he ever will be. I told him that's too bad, basically, because Aden will be coming back. Not every week, probably, but hopefully more often than not, now that I know he likes it here. He informed me that he just doesn't like kids, and he doesn't know if he can't handle that. Well it's not like I'm asking him to be alone with Aden, and if he absolutely must, he can go out and do something when he knows Aden's coming ... but I mean ... it's still upsetting. He is so good with Aden, and Aden really does like him a lot ... a little effort couldn't hurt, right?

So I guess there will be a little friction in the future when Aden stays with us, but here's hoping Richard will get used to it. Aside from that little ... flaw last night, it was a very successful stay, and it's still going well this morning. Last night was a little uncomfortable, yes, but I have hopes that it could get better.

Here's hoping!

A Better Me ... But For Who?

So ... a lot has happened in the past months that's triggered a change. The base of all this, of course, is Richard (formerly "Boyfriend" -- I'm referring to him by name now, as I really don't know what to call him anymore). It's probably not a good thing to say that a guy is the reason I changed my life ... but it's entirely true. He's the reason I ended my previous relationship, he's the reason my work life got so much better, he's the reason I moved out of my parents' house, he's the reason I'm becoming more independent ... it was all him. Yeah, it was probably deep down inside me all along, but still, it was him who brought it out. I'd love to tell you that I started it all myself, or that I did it all for Aden, but that's just not the case. I fell crazy in love with someone and that changed everything for me.

And I'm currently still changing too. I mentioned that I'm becoming more independent ... and I am. It's a work in progress. Five months ago, when our relationship was just getting off the ground, I can definitely say that I was completely different person then. Well ... still the same person ... just ... I didn't act twenty-one. I acted ... like a child, I guess you could say. It wasn't good. I had never really realized how dependent I was on other people until Richard even pointed it out to me. I knew I wasn't independent and I couldn't stand on my own two feet ... but I didn't realized how bad it really was. Richard told me the other day that my inability to be independent really scared him -- he said he had no idea that someone could be that dependent on others.

And now? Well now I'm completely different. Now, I go places alone. I take the train and then a bus to work, all by myself. I leave without someone telling me when I have to, and I get to work on time. When Richard and I started dating, I couldn't get anywhere alone. I didn't know how to take busses and trains (cause I wasn't from here), but I was afraid to learn. Now, I have completely let go of that fear, and I do it on my own every day. It probably isn't a big deal to anyone else, but I love it. I love how the independance makes me feel. And it doesn't hurt that Richard has said he's proud of me too. It made me cry when he told me that. Not only do I get to work alone, but I've gone downtown alone, and I walk to the store when I need something, and anywhere I need to go! I can get there ... myself.

Now ... I don't know if anyone recalls, or if I even talked about it enough for anyone to recall ... but one of the major problems I had with Aden's dad was that our house wasn't clean. He blamed me for all the issues going on in our house -- dishes never being done, laundry never being touched, toys never picked up ... it was all my fault. That was by far one of the biggest problems we had. Though I wouldn't admit it to him, or anyone, I was quite sure it was entirely my fault that our house was in the shape it was in. He blamed me, and I did too. I knew full well that he could've helped out around the house, despite working full-time, but I still knew that I was the one home every day, doing fuck all.

And what about now? Well, we've lived here for three weeks now, and our apartment has yet to become unbearably messy -- even a little bit. The worst I've let it get is letting clean laundry sit in the basket for a day or two before I fold it, or letting a few dishes sit out for a bit longer than I should. But I haven't let it get out of control yet, and I don't intend to. So as it turns out, it wasn't entirely my fault that our house was messy when I lived with Aden's dad. See, Richard, he appreciates the things that I do. He says thank you and doesn't EXPECT it to all be done by the time he gets home. Who knew that being so positive about it would actually make me WANT to clean? Same with cooking ... I always wanted to cook when I was with Aden's dad, but it was never appreciated, so it didn't make it all that fun. Here, I can't wait until I can buy food to cook ... I look forward to it so much. Positive reinforcement ... gotta love it.

So what's left to change? Well, I'm working on the independence thing (and loving it), I'm working on dealing with missing Aden (and I'm afraid that will never get any easier), and one of the hardest things: I'm working on being less clingy. But yeah ... totally not making any progress there. Aaaanyway! I also want to look into going back to school (I've even decided what I can go to school for) and obviously into financial help for school, but I need help with those ones. I think once I get into that, obviously the independence thing will really take off, and maybe I can just be happier in my own life, rather than wishing things were slightly different.

I mean ... I SHOULD be happy shouldn't I? Granted, I don't get to see my son nearly as much as I'd like, I need more hours at work, and I'm living in a situation that tends to be awkward some of the time ... but I really have to stop focussing on those things and think more about the good things I have going on. Like ... I may not get to see Aden as much as I'd like, BUT I still see him three days a week and I love those days. I may need more hours at work, but I'm still working five nights a week and I'm still making enough to pay rent (if I don't spend spend spend). Plus I still enjoy my job and I've had it for a year! I may be living in an awkward situation, but I love our apartment, I'm living with my best friend, and I get to do my own thing every day. Aside from that, I have awesome friends who love me and care about me getting hurt, I have the greatest son in the world, I'm working out almost every day and feeling good about my appearance, and I'm changing things for myself.

But the question is ... who am I REALLY changing for? AM I changing things for myself? Is it all to make myself happier with my own life? Or is it for someone else? Could I be changing things so I can be a better mother for Aden? Of course then there's the obvious reason ... could I be changing things so Richard will want me back? After all, he is the one who triggered all the changes. There are some days where I start thinking that all the changes I have made have been for nothing, because he doesn't want to be with me after all. I know that's not true, cause I am so much happier with myself now ... but it's crossed my mind more than once. Am I working out so he'll remain attracted to me? Am I trying to be independent so he'll be proud of me? Do I want to go to school so he'll see me as a grown up?

Ugh ... I really have to get my mind off of all this, and just be happy! But I guess that's easier said than done.