Change is ... Good?

As if I wasn't bipolar enough before, I sure as hell am now. It's only been a couple of days since Break Up #2, and already, I've been up and down several times. I've had a few breakdowns, but I've mostly kept them to myself. I wait until I'm alone to cry, so no one can make it worse. I cried with uh ... Roomie last night, and all it did was annoy him, which resulted in making it worse.

At the same time, I've had a few moments where I was extremely elated and just ... happy. I'm not sure where it came from, but people were a little confused. Of course not everyone knows about the second break-up, in fact hardly anyone does, so it's not unusual for me to be happy ... except when I was kinda bummed only moments before. It's been awhile since I've had such severe ups and downs, and I really hope I can get it under control before anyone sees something too out of the ordinary. I was glad to be able to say that yeah, I may be bipolar (don't actually know but there's a pretty huge chance of it) but I can keep it under control too. So much for that now! I can do a pretty good job of faking it, though I'm sure that's not exactly something to be proud of.

I'm really trying to get a grip on what's most important in my life right now: first of all, of course, there's Aden. He's my number one priority. Right after him comes me. Trying to be happy without needing someone else, and trying to get my life back on track. I have to try to be ME without being with someone else. I can do it, I know I can, I just really need to be strong. The hardest part of losing Roomie as my boyfriend is that I have changed so much for him and because of him ... but I'm starting to realize that I don't have to lose the person I've become just because I'm not WITH him. He's still my best friend, he's still in my life ... and he's still here to support me and help me figure it all out. He pushed me to be come more self-sufficient, which is something I'm still getting the hang of, and I know he'll continue to do that in his own way.

Granted, I've noticed he does have his way of tearing me down too, though it may be unintentional. He needs to realize that I am not bouncing back from this nearly as well as he is, and I do need the emotional support to get to where I should be. He can't just go and disrespect everything that's happened and just make me feel bad ... no, he has to just give me some time, and take some time himself to be ... himself.

So anyway, I'm kind of ... trying to figure out where I want to go from here. I'm trying now to become my own person, not someone that a specific person can love ... just someone that I can love. I started working out the last two days, which makes me feel great ... I dyed my hair (it's now a strawberry blonde sort of shade, instead of brown), and I'm trying to be more confident with it all. I can do that. I know I can. I used to be unique and confident and comfortable in my own skin. I'm quite sure I can be there again. Along with all that stuff comes trying to figure out my future. Roomie is going to help me look into colleges, since he's been there and done that, and I trust and respect his opinion. Since it's already July I doubt I can go in the fall, but I guess we'll see! I don't know what I'd LOVE to be at this point in my life (even though I'm almost twenty-one), but I know what I CAN do. I'd like to look into business administration or whatever it's called -- I know I'm capable of doing that. And maybe I won't love it, but hey, it's something. I have realized that everything doesn't have to be planned and structured -- if I end up not liking it I can always look into something else. I just really want to make a good life for MYSELF and Aden and not always have to have a man around to support me. I know I can do that. I'm a strong woman, even though some things in my past have made me less than that ... the strong woman was just bottled up inside somewhere, and now she wants to come out!


Hm ... pep talks are good ...

Falling Apart

Right now I feel like the best thing I can do for everyone is give up completely. In my last post, Boyfriend and I had gotten back together, gotten all moved in together, and everything was going well.

Well guess what. THAT fucking blew up in my face. It's only been a fucking week and a half since we got back together, and that is no more. He broke it off AGAIN. I haven't gotten a real reason yet, aside from "It just wasn't what I wanted" and the suspense is killing me. We were SUPPOSED to talk when I got home from work last night (a conversation I was dreading) and all he ended up doing was breaking up with me. Now I have to go through another day on the edge of my seat waiting to hear his bull shit reason why "it wasn't what he wanted". And I know the speech he's going to give me is going to be completele BS too. I know there could be a thousand reasons he could give, and they'll all be false. I know the real reason. He just wants the freedom of being single and not being tied down in a relationship. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants -- mainly with a girl I have mentioned before. Remember the love triangle of sorts that we were in back in February? Yeah. Her.

Except I have learned a lot since then. Hell, I've learned a lot in the last couple of weeks. I learned that back in February when Boyfriend (I guess I should stop calling him that) couldn't decide between the two of us, the other girl DID have a huge thing for him then. Boyfriend always made it sound, though, like she was madly in love with him and it was her who stopped him from deciding. He had me under the impression that this hardcore love she had for him was still going on, and that she just could not let him go.

Well I have learned that that is not the case. Not at all, actually. She DID like him a lot when he initially couldn't decide between us, but despite what he said, that did not continue. After he and I started dating, she stopped liking him as much. He started to annoy her and she stopped liking him in that way. She also started to like me more as a friend and didn't want to get in the way of our relationship. Now, he is nothing more to her than a best friend, but he just can't accept that. He constantly tells her how he feels about her, and she responds with nothing more than "okay". I saw some text messages on her phone, and from what I saw, she is never the one initiating the "lovey dovey" conversation between them -- it's ALL him. He is still convinced, though, that she's in love with him, and I'm quite sure that's a huge part of the reason he can't be with me. He says they'll hang out and she'll come by, but I know that's not the case. In fact, she's "in love" with someone else. She has no love interest in Boyfriend at all. He's been asking her to hang out for months, all the time, and they've only hung out once in all that time. She likes him as a friend, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't trust him as far as she can throw him.

She's told me a lot about how she feels about him, and it seems to me that she's only getting more and more annoyed at him. I told her I'm pretty sure he's going to try to start something with her now that's he's broken up with me, and she just seemed pissed off about it. He knows that she's got something going on with something else, and she's not about to throw it away for him. He can't accept it though. She told me that she's tried to stop him from saying the things he says to her, but he just gets mad. Apparently he can't take no for an answer.

Eventually he'll have to though, and by that point, it'll be too late. He'll have lost me by then, he'll have lost the other girl by then, and probably more than a couple other friends. I know he doesn't want to lose me as a friend -- he doesn't want me to move out at all -- but it'll eventually come to that if he doesn't smarten up. I know he doesn't want to be with me, but even after everything, I still have a desire to be with him. I can thank him for most of my happiness lately -- he's been there for me through a lot in the past several months, and I can't forget about that -- and now it seems he's taken that all away. If he keeps pushing me away like this, I'll eventually give him and he'll have lost me altogether -- one more person lost in his life. He's always said he's afraid of getting hurt because so many people have left him in his lifetime ... but I realize now that many of those people could very well have left him because of him, not because of them.

Really I'm just more pissed off than anything. Pissed off that I let myself get suckered in to all of this ... pissed off that I let myself believe everything he told me, when he's been lying to me all this time ... pissed off that now my whole life seems to be falling apart before my eyes ... it's just getting to be too much to handle.

I don't want to go all the way back to my parents' house two days a week to be with Aden, but no one will help me get him here to my house. I moved to the city to be with Boyfriend (what the hell can I call him?) and now I don't even get to do that. I feel like I've made a huge mistake moving here. Everyone told me it was stupid to move so far away from Aden, but I didn't listen. I thought it would be easier. I thought I'd feel better once I was taking care of myself, rather than intruding on my parents' lives and being in their way. Yeah, well, that's not how it is. I still have to intrude on their lives, because I have to go stay there with Aden two days a week, when I don't even have a room to stay in anymore. No one will help me out by driving Aden to me, which is what I want more than anything. I'm not even sure Boyfriend will help me out when he gets a car. So now I'm stuck going back there every Sunday and then back here on Tuesdays which I HATE. I'm constantly wondering what Boyfriend is doing when I'm not here ... wondering if he'll dare have someone in the place we both live, in the bed we're both currently sleeping in.

Ugh ... get THAT disgusting thought out of my head now ...

Anyway, yeah, it feels like I should just give up now. Everyone's unimpressed with me moving to Calgary when Aden isn't with me, now Boyfriend wants to be nothing more than roommates and best friends, and I just don't know where to go from here. I have no choice but to keep living here and probably going back and forth to my parents' house, and it just ... sucks! I feel like people would just appreciate me disappearing now. Quitting work, backing out of Aden's life, just ... disappearing. I can't do that, of course ... I could not imagine leaving Aden ... but still, it feels like that's the best choice for me right now. I feel like a horrible person for giving up on so much and changing so much for the sake of my relationship, only to have it fail and now I'm left in the dust. Left in an apartment where we share room, left missing my son four days out of seven, left feeling like everyone thinks so, so little of me.

I know it's possible to dig myself out of this, but it's not going to be easy and it's not going to happen anytime soon. I was just so ridiculously happy before ... it felt like everything was perfect for a little while. I guess it was just karma when it all had to come crashing to an uncomfortable end.


I feel so stupid.

All Moved Out - An Update

Okay, so let's go back to ... last Friday, a week and a half ago. That's where my update for today begins. Be warned, this could be a massive update!

So since it was Friday, Boyfriend and I obviously had plans to spend the night together once I was off work. For whatever reason, I had good feelings about that night, and I was very excited to see him. He, however, shot down those good feelings, and claimed he "had a feeling" it wouldn't be a good night.

Well his feelings were dead-on, since he knew damn well it wouldn't be a good night. He came to meet me and work and I started to feel like something was off when we left. He was acting very loving towards me, which isn't necessarily out of the ordinary for him, but I could tell something was up. I asked what was going on, but he refused to tell me anything until we were home.

We eventually stopped talking much on the way home, because I just wanted to know what was wrong and he would not tell me. Once we FINALLY got home (which was still our friend's parents' place at the time), I couldn't wait anymore. He asked if I wanted him to tell me what was going on first, or if I wanted to watch Friends for a bit. Well duh ... of course I wanted to know what was going on first!

I'm not going to go into much detail here, because frankly, I don't want to get mad about it again ... but he started off by saying to me, "I'm going to hurt you now." Right away I seemed to know that my biggest fears had really happened: he kissed someone else. I was upset, naturally -- upset that he could've done that, upset that I let it happen, upset that all my jealousy was for nothing.

He still won't tell me who it was, but I have ruled out the only three possibilities I thought of ... which basically means that he lied to me about who was seeing and when, so he could see this person he kissed. He told me that it almost happened once before, a couple of weeks before the breaking the news to me, but he didn't let it. Then, sometime during the week before, it DID happen and HE was the one who initiated it. I was so angry when he told me everything. I didn't know how to react.

He asked me if I wanted to break up with him, but I wasn't really sure. I have to admit, I have never been in a situation like that before. I have never been cheated on, not in a big way or a little way ... and I have never even really been hurt before. I had always been strong in previous relationships, and it had always been me ending it for whatever reason. Because of that, I didn't know how to react or how to deal with it.

I told him all of that, and that made him feel worse. He's the first guy who's ever hurt me ... and I bet that doesn't feel good. He decided then that we should break up, even if I wasn't going to initiate that break-up. He said it was because he didn't want to be tempted to hurt me like that again, because apparently he has no self-control and he thinks he'd do it again.

I told him he'll only do it again if he THINKS he's going to do it again, because obviously there's nothing to stop him. If he starts thinking he won't, well then ... he won't! Simple as that right?

Of course I wasn't only pissed because of what happened -- I was pissed because I assumed it meant I was going to be stuck living at my parents' house longer. I felt like my plans to move were being flushed down the toilet ... AGAIN.

That wasn't the case, though. He said I could still move with him if I wanted to, and I could figure out from there what I could do on my own. I accepted that offer, because I had been so eager to move! I did not want him to take that away from me again.


I went through the next day at work ... well ... not very well. I wanted to avoid talking to people -- customers, people I worked with, even my friends -- and I wanted to go home. Boyfriend didn't want me to come meet him after work that night, which stunk, but I still didn't want to be at work. In fact, it was the LAST place I wanted to be.

I still wasn't sure how to go about dealing with the situation. I wasn't going to tell anyone at work WHY we broke up, though I did tell a few people that we broke up. If everyone at work didn't know him, perhaps I would've told them what he did ... but everone there knows him and respects him and thinks he's a good person, and I wasn't about to ruin that for him. He IS a good person, and he deserves the good image people have of him. So I didn't tell anyone what was really going on. That made it difficult, though, because no one could really understand why we broke up. They all saw us as very happy together ... they didn't get why that would happen.


I realized after the whole thing that Boyfriend is my best friend. I knew it would be hard to live with him and not be together, but I also knew I could do it, because he really is my best friend. I thought about it, and I knew I would miss the couple parts of our relationship ... like cuddling, sleeping together, all the intimacy ... but I realized I still had the other parts to look forward to: hanging out, spending time together every day, watching movies ... the things I could do with my best friend. He realized I was his best friend too -- the way he put it, I don't judge him, and I listen to him.


So we were broken up. We decided that we would let things happen however they wanted to after that -- we wouldn't rush into a relationship again. I suggested we try a few dates, and he was okay with that. It was like we'd be starting at the start ... which is something we didn't really do in the first place. To be honest, I was worried that he'd take it as a "Yes! Time to be free and screw around!" time, but he assured me that he wouldn't.

On Thursday we started moving Boyfriend's stuff into our apartment. We spent the night together that night, just like we always did before. We couldn't help ourselves.

Now I don't know when exactly it happened, but Boyfriend decided that we SHOULD be together. I was just getting used to the idea of just being best friends who live together, and then he changed his mind (big surprise). I told him as soon as we got internet, I'd change my facebook from "in a relationship" to ... well, probably to blank. He said, "No, don't yet". He wasn't ready to admit he wanted to be with me again, because he still has that fear of hurting me, but it was pretty obvious that we were going to be.

Saturday was my moving day. We got the majority of my things moved in my 12:30 that day, and then Boyfriend and I both had the day off. It feels so good to finally live in the city, to take the train by myself, and really be a grown up. I'm appreciated now, more than I ever was with Aden's dad, and it feels amazing. I have been going to work by myself (which is something I honestly didn't think I could do so easily right off the bat), and I even went to meet Boyfriend downtown one day to bring him his keys ... and I did THAT on my own too!


And yes, Boyfriend and I are back together. We have our doubts this time around, it seems, because he doesn't necessarily trust himself anymore, and my jealousy issues are most likely going to go through the roof at some point (though I think that's to be expected given what happened), but we are a couple again. Or ... still. It never REALLY ended.

Aden hasn't come to stay with us yet -- we don't plan on it until August. I'm going back home to be with him on Sunday through to Tuesday, and I'm actually a little worried about not being here for those days ... but I'm trying not to think of that.

I have my fingers crossed that it doesn't get screwed up this time. I love Boyfriend more than anything, and he's made me happier more than anyone ever has. I might eventually get over him if it ever comes to that, but I think that would take longer than getting over anyone else ever did.


Ugh ... what a horrible week that was, not being together, always wondering, trying to figure out what slut ruined everything ... but I'm really trying not to focus on that.

Yes, I'm probably stupid for rushing right back into it and forgiving him so easily ... but I couldn't help it. I wasn't going to TRY to be mad when it couldn't just come naturally -- I just wanted to let whatever happen when it wanted to ... you know?


Hm ... how about a picture?



Here's Boyfriend and I, sitting in the stair well of our building while his phone was charging. We didn't have power in our apartment for the first day and a half, so we sat here for around an hour so he could charge it.