Just Some Thoughts

I know Richard and I can never be together again... and I have myself convinced that I don't want that anyway, but still, I can't help but wonder... why not just accept what's right in front of you?

I mean... we live together, so we're together every day. We hardly fight anymore (no more than an actual couple would) and things feel really great lately. When I first came back here, it was a temporary solution - I'd be moving out as soon as another option (ANY other option) became available.  That's now changed, and we're both planning on me being back here for awhile.  He'll sometimes get frustrated with me and put a time limit on here, but he's even said himself that that's only when he's frustrated, and he doesn't mean it - he actually wants me to stay for quite awhile.  Of course it's easier now that I'll be starting work - I got a job at Lowe's and my orientation is on Thursday.  It's just part-time for now, because I don't know how I'd cope with full-time again, but it will still make things a lot easier around here.  Richard quit Toys R Us right in the midst of money being tight, and that wouldn't make it any easier... but it was a choice he was okay with making because he knew I'd have money coming in before too long anyway.  So... we live together, we're happy, and we're even making financial plans together.  Isn't that something couples do?  He's looking to lease a vehicle, and he knows he couldn't do that if I wasn't going to keep living here and helping with money, when I have some coming in.  And of course I know that I'd be nothing without him financially too.  We tell each other we love each other, and we're already comfortable with each other... so really, why not just take advantage of what's right in front of us?  Whenever we meet new people (or even if we ran into old friends) they think we're together because of how comfortable we act with each other.

Honestly, I think if Richard just grew up and admitted that part of growing up is committing and giving up on flirting with every girl he encounters, he and I could be a couple. Most of the reason we can't is because of him.  I don't want to be with him the way he is... but if he ever changed, I'd want him back in a second.  We'd be able to avoid the whole...awkward dance of going out and meeting people and "testing the waters" and things like that.  I'm terrified of that. I feel like at the rate I'm going, I'll be 45 before I ever meet someone I even like a little more than the rest of the male population.  So I figure... why bother?  I already know someone who I know will be around forever anyway, and who I know all the good and bad things about, and who knows all the good and bad things about me... so really, what's the point in going out and attempting to track down something new?

I know it's extremely stupid, because I'm NOT in love with Richard that way anymore... but sometimes I wonder, why not just give in and be with your best friend?  Doesn't it just... make sense?

Anyway... that ridiculous thought aside..

I've been thinking a lot about babies lately too, which is also another stupid thing to think about.  I think the baby fever I had last year only subsided because I got "distracted" with my depression and everything.  And now that I'm starting to feel a lot happier overall, it's coming back to haunt me.  I thought it was gone for good... maybe I had gotten smart enough to realize that my life is FAR from good enough to bring another baby into it.  But I guess really the only thing stopping my brain from thinking a baby was a good idea was my depression.

I mean... things are finally heading upward now.

I finally got a job, and I intend on keeping it for a long time. Granted, I don't know yet how much I'll like it, because I haven't started yet, but this time, I'm going to keep job-hunting if I don't like it, so I can find another job BEFORE I end up leaving that one. It's definitely a much better plan than working until I hate my job so much that I get fired from it... and then being screwed for an average of 2 and a half months. No, if I end up hating this job, I'll replace it before I leave!

Things are much better with Richard and I too - we've cleared a lot of the muck from our lives. We've really cut off Carly and Luis altogether, and we've both realized that it was really them causing a lot of the frustration between us.  I had coffee with Carly the other day, and after spending about 2 hours with her just listening to her tell me all kinds of bullshit about Richard, I realized that she only wanted us to fight. I couldn't tell you why, but it was very obvious that day.  So things are over between the four of us now.  They can do/think whatever they want... it isn't going to affect us anymore.  And we've also learned that Toys R Us was causing a lot of tension too. The very day he quit, it seemed like the sun came out and the snow melted and everything was good.  It was amazing!  We've had one fight since, but other than that, things have just seemed... better.

I'm starting counselling soon too, which will help me a lot.  I haven't started yet and I've already started to realize more what I want out of life.  I think counselling will help me make my dreams become reality.  My goals are to work, and once I've got that down and I'm not stressed about it, I want to go back to school.  I'm very determined to do that now.  Even just for an admin. assistant job or something - something I know I can do.  I'm also trying to rediscover what I'm good at.  I've been playing piano again, and yesterday I busted out my sketch book and my charcoal and I made a picture.  It wasn't that great, but it felt amazing to do that again.  Since having Aden, I've forgotten all about the things that made me happy before, and now that he's three, I'm only just remembering them.  I don't want to forget those again.

And then of course there's Aden.  I'm still very sad that I don't have him with me every day, or even some days, but getting that to happen is in the very near future.  Once my counselling is done, I'm going to court to fix the plan his dad and I have now. I'm getting the short end of the stick right now, so once I'm better, I can fight that and get what I deserve.  And I deserve my son at least part of every week.  Not a shitty five minute phone call or a ten minute conversation on Skype once or twice a week.  Not meeting my stepmom and Aden at the mall for lunch for an hour every couple weeks.  No, I deserve sleepovers and breakfasts and trips to the zoo and actual parenthood.  I know that, and when I start to get better, I'm damn well going to get it.  Not only that, but once Richard gets his car (which should be as soon as May), he's agreed to pick up Aden sometimes.  I'll of course pay for the gas and I'll never make him do it if he doesn't want to... but that once in awhile will really help.  I plan on convincing him to teach me how to drive too, so once I'm okay with it, even I can drive to pick him up.  That'll be great.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah... babies.

It's not like I'm going to rush and start planning a baby (especially since I'm single), but I can definitely say for sure that IF it did happen, I wouldn't head back to the abortion clinic.  I'm convinced that I'm already on the road to being healthy... and so I'm back to my old ways of the delightful thing I call baby fever.

What a pointless post... enjoy!