Growing Up

So guess what came back? My baby fever. And it's back with a vengeance. It went away before the break up -- well, it went into hiding, anyway -- but now ... oh boy.

My parents are having a garage sale tomorrow, and Aden's dad is determined to put ALL of Aden's old baby stuff in there. I've been telling him basically since Day 1 that I'm NOT getting rid of all of it, because it's sentimental stuff to me now, and not only that, but I WILL have another baby someday. I said right from the start that I would, even if it wasn't with him. And now, my next baby won't be with him, but I still want to keep some of Aden's stuff! I don't want to hang onto all of it, and he knows that, but I do want some of it ... like the better clothes, and the special things my family got for him. I don't want the crib, none of the stuff we got second hand ... but the new things we had, I wanted to keep.

Anyway, when I was leaving for work last night, I saw Aden's old crib and mattress leaned up in the garage, waiting to be sold to someone on Saturday. I wanted to cry. I don't want to keep the crib -- we just got it for like $20 at a garage sale -- but still! It was Aden's for a year and a half, and now it'll just ... be gone. Don't get me wrong, it's going towards a good cause (all the money from the garage sale is going to the MS Walk), so I'm willing to sell SOME things, but it's an emotional thing to let go of that stuff! It wouldn't be so bad if I thought I'd have some things to hang on to, like the clothes and the things I wanted to keep from the start, but Aden's Dad is determined to get rid of ALL of it. I've asked him so many times to PLEASE not get rid of the clothes and some other things, but he keeps conveniently "forgetting" that and he's supposedly packed it all up together to be sold. I'm so upset about it.

I mean, I want to get some new things next time I have a baby, because it'll be a new baby from a new family ... not 100% Aden's younger brother or sister. It'll be part of something brand new, so it'll be good to have brand new things ... but still! There are some special things from Aden's past that I just ... don't want to go to some stranger! Maybe I'll ask my parents to please keep that stuff aside for me. They won't have to store it long, they know I'm planning to move. My parents don't necessarily understand my attachment to stuff -- I've always been a packrat and they don't get it -- but maybe they'll do this one thing. It's not like I'm asking to keep everything. Just one or two bins of baby stuff. No biggie, right?

Ugh ... time to move on ... that subject just upsets me to no end.


Anyway, after I saw that crib in the garage yesterday, baby fever just ... attacked. I mean, I think everyone who works on the baby side at my work gets baby fever now and then, and it's probably worse for some than it is for others ... and I definitely get it pretty bad sometimes ... but yesterday was like a whole new level of baby fever. The crib just started it all ... and then work made it worse. I swear, I have never seen so many babies under the age of, say, three months in one night. ESPECIALLY since it was a Thursday night and it was rainy out. It was insane how many newborns were around. And they did NOT help the situation. Luckily one of my besties was working on my side and I could talk to her about it. It was NOT an easy shift, and I have a feeling it's not going to get easier.

I know, I should just enjoy being a mom to one, enjoy the stage Aden's at, blah, blah, blah ... but you know, it's kind of hard to do that when I only get to see him half as much as I used to. It'd be kind of nice to have a little baby around to make the in-between times nicer ...

Ah! I've got to stop!

New subject anyone?


Houses! That's a good subject!

I've emailed people about ... let's see ... five different places now, and gotten three emails back. Two saying we can see the place (just waiting for another response from them to see when), and one saying the places has been rented (but he'll let me know if they back out). If I don't hear back from the first two today, I'll be calling them to set a time, hopefully this weekend, where we can see the places. And then hopefully we can get one of them!

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but that's not easy. I have to get out of here, Boyfriend is getting kicked out of his places on Tuesday, or something, and our friends ... well they just want to do it. I just don't want to live here anymore. My parents are interfering with the way I want to parent, and I can't stand it. I know my friends won't do that, and if they do, I won't be scared to tell them back off. But my parents ... their way of getting in the way is just ... annoying. They don't straight up tell me what to do, but they make their opinions known and it just drives me bonkers. I have to get out of here before I lose it, pretty much. I need to feel like I'm a grown-up, and to do that, I need to get out from under my parents' roof!


I've just got so much on my mind lately ... so my apologies if half of my blog entries make no sense, or if I seem like I'm just rambling for the sake of rambling. This is the best way to get a lot of this shit off my chest lately!

Perfection

Look out guys, there could be a really cheesy, really sappy blog post ahead ... be prepared!

I had pretty much one of the best weekends I have had in a long time. I mean, my weekends tend to be pretty amazing these past couple months, but this one takes the cake. It was ... SO GOOD!

It basically started last Thursday, if you can believe it, with Boyfriend and I getting into a fight over facebook chat. I don't even remember what exactly brought on the fight, but I remember going to bed really upset and being unable to sleep for quite some time after. I HATE going to bed without resolving a fight -- you never end up having a good sleep, and you feel terrible the next morning. No fun at all.

Then on Friday, I only got to talk to Boyfriend for a few minutes during the day, because he has no phone, and I only get to wait until he comes online whenever he gets a chance when he's working at the law firm. So when we got that short chance during the day, we both apologized for our fight the night before, and he said he felt really bad, and he told me had a surprise for me for later. I was going to meet him and our friends at work that night, since they were all working and I wasn't.

When I got to the store around 7:30, I went to talk to our friend and she said that sure enough, Boyfriend had a surprise for me. I went and found Boyfriend and talked to him for a little while, until I found our other friend who was off at seven. He and I decided to go to Tim Hortons until the other two were done work, and on the way out, we ran into our manager. She said to me, "Did he get your thing from the thing?" Uh ... what? My friend knew what she was talking about, so he shooed me out of the store. I was just really confused by that point!

When it was finally nine, we went back through the store to wait for the other two to finish working. We waited in the vestebule and just talked, as usual. When they were finally done work, they came out, and there was Boyfriend with my surprise. He had a rose for me! How cute is that?! I was ecstatic! I have only ever gotten flowers twice in my life: the boyfriend I had at the time got me a bouquet when I graduated, and some family members got me flowers when Aden was born. So it was a really awesome surprise to just get one out of nowhere.

I guess everyone at work knew about it too. A couple people were going on about how sweet it was, and how jealous they were ... and that's what my manager was going on about when I had no clue what she was getting at. Unfortunately I had to leave it at my friends house, though, since we were going away on Sunday and the last time I was at home until Monday was on Friday! I'd love to see it all bloomed now ... but I guess not! Still, it was pretty much the sweetest surprise I could get.


On Saturday, the four of us went to look at our very first house together. We were so excited about it. It took awhile to find it, but once we did, we were ... well, disappointed, actually. It was a dump. The owners didn't even put any effort into fixing the place up at all. It was nasty. Obviously a no-go, but it was still exciting to go look at it together. Boyfriend and I had had another fight the previous night, but once again, we forgave each other when we went to see the house. We can't stay mad, and he knew I would fix the problem that caused that fight. In case anyone is wondering, I fixed the problem and we shouldn't have to fight about that again.


We all worked on Saturday and Sunday again, and then after work on Sunday, we took off to Edmonton for the night -- our first road trip as a group! We had such a good time -- no fights, no problems, no nothing. It was perfect. We spent the night in a creepy motel, but it was fun. We talked about how Boyfriend and I would snore, and our two buddies would do their things: talking and sleep-walking. Well, they didn't do theirs, but Boyfriend's snoring kept them up. I was thrilled to find out he had been snoring and I didn't even wake up! Usually he'll keep me up if I'm already awake, and sometimes I'll wake up, but not that night! That made me quite happy.

On Monday, we spent the day at West Edmonton Mall. We were all pretty broke, so we couldn't do much, but it was still awesome to spend time together without having to rush to get to work or anything.

We had to leave by five so we could be back in time to see another place at eight ... and guess what? IT WAS AWESOME. Cheap, new, close to transit for work, and just ... perfect. We're really hoping to get it, but I guess there are three other groups of people just as eager as we are. Our friend is going to bring them a deposit today, so hopefully HOPEFULLY it'll be ours. If we get it, we'll be moving in ONE WEEK. I'm so excited!


Yesterday was equally as awesome as the weekend was. The four of us took Aden to see Shrek, and I'm quite sure I love Boyfriend more than I did before.

While we were waiting to go into the theater, Aden seemed whiney and hungry, so Boyfriend offered to get some fries. Aden was thrilled. Boyfriend was eating his fries, and putting ketchup on them one at a time. Aden was fascinated by it and he wanted to do it too, so Boyfriend helped him. Aden would hold out a fry, and Boyfriend would put ketchup on them. It was quite possibly the cutest thing in the entire world. I died a little bit, pretty sure.

Aden was quite good for almost the whole movie. I don't know if he's ever been to one before, so I was pretty impressed. He got whiney about 20 or 30 minutes from the end, so we went for a walk to change his bum and he was all better. I felt like maybe Boyfriend and my friends were getting annoyed, but Boyfriend assured me he wasn't. Great guy, right?!

Afterwards, we sat around in the lobby waiting for someone to call us back, and Aden and Boyfriend ate some popcorn together. I decided to test Aden and ask him the names of my friends, and when it got to Boyfriend, he said "Daddy!" I was quite shocked after that. I expected him to do that eventually, but not on the second day they've ever met! He did it another time after that, and I still didn't know what to say. Boyfriend didn't seem bothered by it, though, which was a relief. In fact, he said he liked it. Neither of us WANT Aden to call him that, he just said it felt good to be called that. I already know he wants kids, so I know that was just a push in that direction even more. I will correct Aden when he calls him that, because I don't want him to ... but really, if he keeps doing it, there's nothing I can do. I really think it's just confusion because Boyfriend and Aden's dad have the same name. And if it's not, that's what I'm blaming it on anyway!


So my weekend was basically AMAZING, despite a couple fights between Boyfriend and I.

OH! And I'm very pleased to announce that Aden is kicking ass at potty training! He's had a few accidents, but overall, he's doing pretty good, even wearing undies! I'm one proud mommy!

The Bitterness of a Grouchy Ex-boyfriend

Right now, I'm getting more and more stressed and I'm afraid I'm just going to ... blow up. Everything is building up on top of everything else and nothing is getting solved. I have no outlet other than here, and I have a feeling it's going to end in disaster. Right now, I feel like I can't have everything I need, and I'm going to have to let go of something ... but I refuse to, and that's only adding to the stress. I'm so on edge, and I'm not sure how long it'll be before I have to dive off. Just when I think it's getting a little better and I can back up, something else happens that just pushes me closer. I do not handle stressful situations well, and that seems to be how it is lately -- just one stressful situation after the other, overlapping and getting worse and worse.

Aden's dad is really the mastermind behind it all. He gets mad about things he shouldn't even care or know about, and then he becomes vengeful and spiteful and just ... mean. He's on this kick lately of trying to get me to willingly leave Aden's life for good, and just leave them alone ... which obviously is not going to happen. He is also threatening to get child support from me, which he and I BOTH agreed we wouldn't do. He knows full well that I can't afford to do that, especially if life goes as planned, and I know he can't either. We were both in agreeance of that. But now, apparently that's changed. I think it's because I have been giving him around $400 per month to pay off my phone bill, and he NEEDS that money. Once I'm done paying him off (which will hopefully be after two more paycheques), he won't have that few hundred he uses to get by. He KNOWS damn well that I can't keep that up, yet he is set on screwing me over. I only leave myself with about $150, $200 a month, and I use every penny -- once I'm no longer living with my parents, I OBVIOUSLY can't live off $200 a month to my name, if he were to get child support. Besides, no court would ever let him do that -- I'm pretty sure the most he could get from me is one or two hundred a month, and that won't help him with shit.

Last night a lot went down that really sent me downhill, stress-wise. He began texting me asking when I'd be home, if I'd be home that night. I ALWAYS go home on Sundays, because Aden comes over Monday morning. I'm quite sure it's none of his business if I come home immediately after work -- as long as I'm home to greet Aden when he gets here, it shouldn't matter to him. But oh, it did. He texted me around ten o' clock asking if I was home, and I said no, but I would be. Did he leave it at that? Of course not. He began to call me irresponsible, telling me I'm a bad mother and things like that. All because I wasn't home at ten the night before Aden was coming over. He also told me he wouldn't be able to drive Aden over because his license is gone (long story) so he'd need me to pick him up. I explained that it's too cold to walk Aden across the highway at six in the morning, and he said he'd go in late until it warmed up, or he'd find another plan, and I'd talk to my parents and see if they could help me out in the future -- it was too late to text them that night. Was that good enough? Of course not. He asked again about an hour later if I was home, and I SORT OF lied and said I was falling asleep and that's why I wasn't immediately texting him back. Well, I WAS sort of falling asleep, but it was in my friend's car while we all sat there chatting. And know what he did after I told him that? HE TEXTED MY SISTER TO MAKE SURE I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH. Of course he found out then that I was not home, so he proceeded to again call me irresponsible, saying he wanted to take Aden away from me/get child support from me/generally screw me over in any way he can. What a delight he is, eh?

All of this, of course, went on to make Boyfriend quite upset, because I was constantly texting last night and not telling him what was happening -- he seems to get annoyed when I tell him those things, because he has told me he doesn't want to help me with legal stuff anymore ... so I avoid telling him while it's happening. I also didn't want to talk about it with our friends in the car, so I kept quiet. That all resulted in Boyfriend getting upset with me, and we left on bad terms, which is always frustrating. I couldn't quite figure out what had really pissed him off, though: the texting, me not saying anything, or the entire situation ... so I avoided asking. He doesn't like being confronted when he's upset anyway, so that was probably the better choice at the time. We've talked now, though, and he does seem less peeved.

But of course, Aden's dad refuses to back off. He's still threatening me with everything he can, though I don't think he'll follow through, and he's trying to tell me that my life is going to suck. He's convinced that when I go to live with Boyfriend and our besties, we won't be able to live. He thinks that we all make what I do, when in fact, I make the least of all of us. He thinks we're all going to continue working where we do, when in fact, we are not. Boyfriend graduates from college on Friday and he has a job lined up. One of our besties has a semester left of college and then she'll be working too. And our other bestie makes the most of all of us where we work, and he won't be there forever either, as he's already gone to college. As for me, I'm hoping to go to school before too long, and then I'll make more too. So screw his opinion -- we'll be FINE. Who knows, we might even be better off than that jerk. No, I'm quite sure we will be, eventually, if not now. He thinks he'll be filthy rich compared to us, living at his parents house and never affording anything good. Obviously we won't be able to afford luxuries, but I don't think we'll be as financially destitute as Aden's dad.

Anyway ... it all keeps building up and there's no stopping it. Aden's dad is behind it all, and he needs to back off. He can't take me to court for any of this, and he knows that -- they won't see me as the evil piece of shit he sees me as, because I'm not the evil piece of shit he thinks I am. All of his opinions of me are not backed up by anything but his own hatred -- he has no REAL reason to think the way he does about me, so he has no way to back it up. It's all just the bitterness of a grouchy ex. That's the only reason he thinks the way he does about me. He knows damn right that I'm not evil or irresponsible or a bad influence or a whore or anything else of the sort.

He needs to grow up and see the situation for what it really is.

Mother's Day

I know it's two days late, but HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of you!

My third Mother's Day was nothing wonderful, but I expected that. Aden doesn't stay with me on weekends, so I wouldn't normally have seen him that day. I asked his dad to bring him over when I was off work, though, and he stayed overnight after that, so I did get to spend some time with him on that day.

Other than that, I didn't do much for it. I spent the night before at Boyfriend's house, and he made sure to give me a big kiss and a hug in the morning, because he knew I was bummed about not getting to see Aden until later. Oh, and one of my friend's moms said happy Mother's Day to me the day before, which pleased me quite a lot. I worked until after six the day of, and then I got to go home and see Aden. He (or actually, my sister) got me a cute picture frame that says "Super Mom" on it. I can't wait to print off a picture to put in it!

One day I'd really like to have a real kickass Mother's Day. We used to do things for my mom on Mother's Day -- I'm sure we gave her breakfast in bed at least a couple times, and we've gone for chinese food every year for the past few years. One day I hope I'm lucky enough to have a child/children that want to do something really special for me. Hell, I hope I deserve that one day! I always tried to make Father's Day really special for Aden's dad ... but he never really put effort into returning the gesture. He figured since I wasn't HIS mom, he didn't have to do anything ... but TO ALL THE DADS OUT THERE ... when your kid is just a baby, yeah, you DO have to do something for the mom! That's just how it works!

Ugh ... oh well. The dreadful day is over and it won't be back for another year.

The Weekend

The past weekend was good, as all weekends tend to be lately. At least, for the most part. Friday was exciting, Saturday was completely different, and Sunday was just good. Even Monday was something else.


I was looking forward to Friday for days, really. As it neared, though, I got more and more nervous. Boyfriend and one of our best friends were coming to meet Aden. I was so nervous that something, anything would go wrong. I was scared my family would say something or do something I wouldn't appreciate -- though the only ones here were my stepmom and my sister, and they wouldn't do that; I was scared Aden would be less than good, I was afraid of what might happen when Aden's dad came to get him -- Boyfriend tried to convince me that I was worrying over nothing, but I wasn't completely convinced. I'm a paranoid person, and I always worry about the little things.

He was right as usual, though -- I had nothing to worry about. They got there around eleven in the morning, which was okay, because since Aden slept in for two hours that morning (he stayed at my house overnight), he wouldn't need a nap that day ... at least not until after his dad picked him up. Anyway ... so they got there around eleven, and it went well from there. Aden wasn't even shy at all, like he tends to be lately. He warmed up to both of them right away. He even played with Boyfriend a little bit, which made me very happy.

Aden's dad came to pick him up at about quarter to two, and the day went a little downhill from there. I had Aden ready to go, as to avoid having his dad actually come in the house. He knew Boyfriend was coming that day, and I was NOT about to let anything happen. So when he arrived, I tried to shuffle Aden out the door as quickly as I could. Of course, he still had time to make a jackass comment, and he couldn't resist. He grabbed Aden and said, "Come on, buddy, let's go give you a bath," followed by even more of a jackass racist comment. It was expected, of course, but it still pissed me off. I said goodbye to Aden and slammed the door after they left. Luckily my stepmom and sister were gone already, so I was free to sulk. Instead of going back downstairs to Boyfriend and my friend, I went upstairs and slammed things around a bit. Boyfriend knows me well, though, and he didn't come and get in my way -- it's only been a couple months, and he already knows what I do when I'm mad.

When I came back down to clean up Aden's toys, they were both very quiet and wanted to know what was wrong. I had assumed they heard Aden's dad, so I didn't say anything. I cleaned up and I went in my room to get what I'd need for the weekend. Boyfriend came in and comforted me then, which did help. He told me not to worry about it, and he expected him to say something, like I did. I looked at him, and I couldn't focus, which was weird ... but that's part of another story!

So I'm happy to say that Friday went very well, aside from that one little flaw at the end ... but hey, what's one little thing? The main intention of the day was perfect, and that's all that matters.

However, I spent my entire four-hour shift that night trying to focus on things. I couldn't get my eyes to work properly, and I was dizzy for my whole shift. It was really weird, but I just shrugged it off. After work, the four of us (Boyfriend and I, and our two best friends) hung out at Boyfriend's house and watched movies. It was another one of those perfect nights.


Boyfriend and I woke up early on Saturday morning, as usual, and went to shower. We don't often shower together, but we decided to that day, thankfully.

My dizziness from the previous day had gone away after work, but towards the end of my shower, it came back. After Boyfriend got out, I began to feel like I was going to throw up, and I got dizzy again. So I turned off the water and I got out too. Boyfriend looked at me and I'm sure I looked horrible. He came over and held me and asked what was wrong. The nauseous feeling was gone, but I was very dizzy. I don't really remember what happened then. I just remember him holding me and then I was on the floor, while he asked what was wrong, or something. He later said that I had blacked out and fallen down. Luckily he was holding onto me, so it wasn't a hard fall. After that, though, I felt very dizzy and somewhat nauseous, and I was even paler than I normally am.

We had a near-arguement after that. He insisted that I go to the hospital, but all I wanted to do was go to work. I'm never eager to miss a full eight hour shift anymore -- I need those shifts. He was clearly very worried about me, though, and to be honest, I was worried too. I insisted it was just an iron deficiency thing, because it's pretty obvious I don't have enough iron ... but no, he was very adamant that I get it checked out. If it was an iron thing, I could get something for it ... and if it wasn't, well, I'd find out what it was. So I got a hold of our best friends, who were off that day, and they said they'd take me to the hospital so Boyfriend could go to work. If both Boyfriend and I didn't show up, the manager on Saturdays would have a cow. She always thinks we're conspiring against her, so she'd definitely think we were just skipping work to be together.

So our best friends came to my rescue, and Boyfriend went to work. I called into work and my manager insisted, just like I had, that it was just an iron deficiency, but I should see a doctor anyway. So instead of going to the hospital, we went to a walk-in clinic, which is what I wanted to do the entire time. We waited there for awhile, and then I saw a doctor. He looked in my ears and got me to shake my head. As it turns out, I've got fluid in my ears, and that's what's making me dizzy. He gave me some free samples of antibiotics, so I wouldn't have to spend money, and that was that. I was out of the doctor before my shift at work had even started. I didn't go to to work, though -- I didn't want to go there just to get dizzy and possibly black out again.

My two besties and I spent the day watching the first season of The Big Bang Theory until Boyfriend was off work, and then we just all hung out after that. I was beginning to feel less than good again, so we called it a night early.


The next day, Sunday, we all had to work. I didn't shower that morning, because Boyfriend went alone and to be honest, I was scared to go by myself. It was silly, of course, but hey ... that was the first time I'd ever blacked out. I didn't want that to happen again.

At work, I don't know how many times I had to explain my absence the previous day, since most of the Sunday people work Saturdays as well. I also don't know how many times someone asked if I was pregnant and I had to say that no, I'm not. Boyfriend said an awful lot of people asked him if I was too. I have a feeling we'll be explaining ourselves for quite awhile, and I have a feeling that most people won't even bother to ask ... they'll just assume that I am. Which is just GREAT. Gotta love rumors!

After work, we all hung out again. I was intending on coming back home that night, because Boyfriend was starting his practicum the next day and would have to be up early ... but to no one's surprise, I ended up staying the night on Sunday as well. I decided I could spend Monday with my besties again, and Boyfriend had no problem leaving me at his place until they were ready to hang out.


So on Monday, I did just that. I hung out by myself at Boyfriend's house until my friends were ready to do something around noon. As it turns out, though, that opened up a can of worms and Boyfriend now has to move out of his basement room by July. It's really got nothing to do with me -- I guess I sort of just pushed his roommate over the edge.

I don't know the full story, so I won't go into detail ... but yeah. I guess I'm not supposed to stay there anymore (which should really be none of his roommate's or his landlord's business), which is really going to suck ... but hey, we'll talk about that later.


OH! I forgot to mention: Aden's dad took it upon himself to get rid of Aden's gorgeous blonde locks. That's right, he shaved Aden's head. I'm okay with a buzz cut ... but he ended up with a pretty close shave. It doesn't suit him, and I don't like it. I can't wait until it grows back!