What Am I Doing?

I feel like a terrible mother today. Long story short, Richard and I got in a fight this morning and I smacked him. I haven't done that in a long time. I've been very good about not doing that ... but this morning, I got carried away. The worst part is, it was right in front of Aden.

It upset him right away. He began to yell and he just got mad. Richard was getting him ready to put him down for a nap, and he had to go to bed upset because of what I did.

I feel so horrible about him seeing us fight. He's not even two and he knows that we shouldn't be doing that. If Richard and I start yelling at each other in the car, which is more of a common occurence than you might think, Aden sits there in the back seat going, "No! Stop it! Stop it!" until we actually quit. It's so heart-breaking when he does that.

And this morning I just had to take it too far and hit Richard in front of him. He was so upset by it. It's not even like I hit Richard with Aden in the same room -- he was right there, feet in front of us, watching. He saw the whole thing. He didn't just glance over and catch it ... didn't just hear what happened ... he SAW it. Clear as day.

This has to stop. The fighting, the arguing, the cutting each other down ... Aden is going to end up like his dad, thinking all of that is okay. Richard saw that from his parents his whole life ... and now, he has no problem insulting me or making me feel like shit. I will be so disappointed in myself if Aden grows up thinking that's alright. Only twenty-two months old and his idea of a loving relationship is already skewed. And I'm partially to blame.

He needs to see what a healthy relationship is ... and now I'm thinking that he isn't ever going to see that from Richard and I. I mean ... we don't fight 24/7 -- we don't even fight every day anymore. But still, what we show Aden is not what a healthy relationship is. This just ... isn't right.

I don't know what to do here. I know I'm a good mother to my son ... but to show him what he's seen ... that's not good.