Speeches

I'm not sure whether or not I mentioned previously that I have accepted my best friend's request for me to be her Maid of Honor. I'm scared about a lot of it (since I'm a big wuss, and all) ... but I came to the conclusion that she is my best friend, I love her and her husband-to-be, and I'm willing to swallow my fears and do what I can for them both. My dear sister is going to help me out with planning the big stuff (the stagette and the bridal shower), so I think I'll make it through those things okay ... but there's one thing I'm really fearing: MAKING A SPEECH.

There are a few reasons for this. First, I SUCK at public speaking. I have a tendency to stutter when I'm nervous ... and sadly, it doesn't take a lot to make me nervous. I sometimes get nervous when I'm just talking to customers at work ... so you can imagine how nervous I could get standing up in front of 200 people. Which brings me to my next point. Some of those people are people I don't even want to see, and I really don't want them to see me make a fool out of myself. So yeah ... I think it's understandable if I'm incredibly nervous to make a speech.

Not only am I nervous to speak in front of 200 people ... but I'm nervous to write the speech itself. I'm fully aware that I'm not a bad writer ... but I do much better just ... writing about stuff like I do in my blog. I've known my best friend for seven years now, and I've known her fiancee for just over five ... so I know I can think of plenty to say ... but can I word it all in a way that sounds good? I'm not the most sentimental of people ... nor am I much of a comedian, so I guess I'm afraid that my speech will be incredibly dull, and people will just stop listening, or something. I guess the best I can do is attempt to make it short and sweet, but still something that Blair will love and appreciate. Ah ... that is going to be a challenge in itself. At least I have three months to work on this, and figure it out, and practice it over ... and over ... and over ... before the big day.

Ah ... at least I'll have wine, right?!

Gotta Love Wedding Drama

Today, my best friend called to inform me of some changes in her wedding plans. She told me that, due to some ... drama, her Maid of Honor would no longer be her Maid of Honor, and she asked if I would like to be. Here's what I was thinking: "Wha?!"

Yup ... exciting. Well ... exciting that I get to be her Maid of Honor now. Not exciting that she and the previous MOH probably won't be friends anymore. That part's not so good. My best buddy seems to be really upset by that ... and I'm going to do my best to be a damn good Maid of Honor so she'll still be happy! That's what b-maids are supposed to do, right? RIGHT!

Anyway ... my bestie asked me today for the style number of the bridesmaid dresses we got. Said number is on the receipt ... WHICH I CAN'T FIND! Gah! I thought it was in my purse still -- nope! On the dishwasher? Nope! Microwave stand? Of course not! CRAAAAAAP.

So now, tomorrow, I have to tear apart my house to find the damn thing ... because God knows the former MOH won't want to help out and give us the number from the dress! I hope Richard didn't throw it out. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have ... but it's nowhere to be found!

My sister said it best on my friend's facebook status. She commented and said: "Without wedding drama, it wouldn't be a wedding."

Babyfever Relapse and the Mysterious Green Box

I've gone back into my little pit of baby fever sadness again. I was doing so well, and now, here I am, craving another little person in my life. A couple of friends had their second baby over the last week -- one of which has a son two weeks older than Aden, and one who's daughter is younger than Aden. And they both just had #2 recently. And today, we got to see sweet little Olivia ... who is just so precious. She's almost 4 months old, and I can't believe it. I just love that girl. She's got the cutest little smile, and makes the cutest happy noises. Seeing her sooo makes me want another one.

But, I have to smart here. Weigh my options. On one hand, my family would feel so much more ... complete with another child in the picture. I'm so longing to be pregnant again (despite how much I hated it the first time around), and I'm so eager to be a mom the second time around. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't be an ideal move for our relationship ... and we don't have the space (or the money to get more space) to have another kid around. There are days where I don't feel like I should have an almost-two-year old ... so imagine how I'd feel with an almost-two-year old AND another baby. I think it's quite likely that it'd make me feel more depressed than I have been lately, rather than making me happier. So, it's probably smarter for us to wait ... as sad as that might make me at times.

I'm glad I'm smart enough to wrap my head around baby fever, and talk myself out of it every time. Yeah, sometimes it's harder ... but I've gotten pretty good at it. I just have to keep weighing the different choices and figure out which one's better for us. CLEARLY waiting is better ... so that's what we'll do.



In other news ... something very ... odd, to say the least, happened today.

We were on our way to the store to get Richard's dad a birthday card, and since we'd be going straight over to his parents' house after, we'd need to write in the card right away. I told Richard to ask the cashier for a pen when we got there, and he said he was pretty sure there were pens in the car. So I opened the console thinger between us to see if there was, and he was right, there was a pen in there.

And there was also something else.

There was a tiny green box that said "Ann Louise Jewellers" on it. I'd recognize their logo anywhere, since Blair works there and I see it all the time. I didn't notice the box at first, but there it was ... staring up at me.

Richard must've noticed that I noticed, because he shut the thing right away. I asked what it was, and he just played dumb ... even though he had a huge grin on his face.

And now, I can't stop thinking about that damn box. What's in it? When did he get it? Where did he get the money to spend at a jewelry store? Who's it for? Perhaps those are obvious questions ... but with Richard, you can never be too sure. Hell, how do I even know I'll ever see the contents of that box?

It's so mysterious ... and I'm trying not to think about it ... but I can't help it!

Ah! Men!

Aden's Big Boy Bed

Tonight is Aden's fourth night in his big boy bed! He has been doing really well in it since we got it, on the seventeenth of this month. He hasn't gotten out of bed to play at all, like I thought he would, and he hasn't fallen out at all yet either.

When we got it, he seemed really upset that his crib was coming down -- perhaps the whole idea of change is what upset him. We watching Richard take it down and everything, and then I decided to give Aden a bath, to get him out of the way so Richard could put the bed up. When Aden got out of the tub and I let him go in his room, he got so excited! He said "pye-nin!" (Spider-man) and literally leapt into the bed! He didn't want to leave the room when I got Richard to take him upstairs so I could finish tidying up.

Getting him to bed that first night was ... interesting. I attempted to lay him in bed and read him a story. I crouched next to the bed -- the makeshift bottom doesn't allow "big people" to lay in it at this point -- to read a story, but he just climbed out and started marching around the room. He was so excited just to be able to get in and out of the bed himself. I read the story, despite him not listening, and then began the ordeal of putting him to bed and leaving the room. He didn't want the excitement to end! When I did get up to turn off the light and shut the door, he was less than happy. He tried to climb out of bed really fast and make it to the door before me ... but obviously that didn't work. He cried harder than he ever did on a regular night in his crib, which was hard to hear. But, despite how upset he was at being left there in the dark, he slept REALLY well. He fell asleep within a half hour, something he hardly ever did in the crib, and stayed asleep all night -- normally he would wake up in the middle of the night, for maybe a half hour or so, and just talk to himself ... but he didn't do that at all in his bed! And, the next morning, he didn't even wake up until 8:30! I figured he'd wake up a lot earlier than that, and he'd just get out of bed to play ... but he didn't. He didn't even get out of bed until I went in to get him! That made me really very happy.

Naptime the next day didn't go as easily. In fact, he didn't sleep at all during naptime. I read him a story, same as the night before, and tried to tuck him in. I gave him the book, because it seemed to cheer him up, and I left. Again, he cried a little ... but not for long. Instead of sleep, he sat in his bed for an hour and a half or more, just looking at his book. He didn't want to sleep, because there was a little bit of natural light in there ... different from night time. When I went to get him up, he was just there, leaning on his pillow, looking at a book. So cute.

He's been sleeping really well since, and crying less and less when I leave him in there. He still really loves his new bed, and I'm glad. It's hard to admit that he's growing up ... and having a big boy bed only makes it more real ... but it's still really exciting. He's becoming such a big boy. His big boy bed went over so well ... next, hopefully potty training!

Oh, and here's a couple photos of Aden's new bed!




It came from my grandma's house, and my dad sanded and painted it. I love it! And Aden loves the Spiderman theme too!

What Am I Doing?

I feel like a terrible mother today. Long story short, Richard and I got in a fight this morning and I smacked him. I haven't done that in a long time. I've been very good about not doing that ... but this morning, I got carried away. The worst part is, it was right in front of Aden.

It upset him right away. He began to yell and he just got mad. Richard was getting him ready to put him down for a nap, and he had to go to bed upset because of what I did.

I feel so horrible about him seeing us fight. He's not even two and he knows that we shouldn't be doing that. If Richard and I start yelling at each other in the car, which is more of a common occurence than you might think, Aden sits there in the back seat going, "No! Stop it! Stop it!" until we actually quit. It's so heart-breaking when he does that.

And this morning I just had to take it too far and hit Richard in front of him. He was so upset by it. It's not even like I hit Richard with Aden in the same room -- he was right there, feet in front of us, watching. He saw the whole thing. He didn't just glance over and catch it ... didn't just hear what happened ... he SAW it. Clear as day.

This has to stop. The fighting, the arguing, the cutting each other down ... Aden is going to end up like his dad, thinking all of that is okay. Richard saw that from his parents his whole life ... and now, he has no problem insulting me or making me feel like shit. I will be so disappointed in myself if Aden grows up thinking that's alright. Only twenty-two months old and his idea of a loving relationship is already skewed. And I'm partially to blame.

He needs to see what a healthy relationship is ... and now I'm thinking that he isn't ever going to see that from Richard and I. I mean ... we don't fight 24/7 -- we don't even fight every day anymore. But still, what we show Aden is not what a healthy relationship is. This just ... isn't right.

I don't know what to do here. I know I'm a good mother to my son ... but to show him what he's seen ... that's not good.

2010 MS Walk!

I just finished registering for the 2010 MS Walk, and I wanted to let everyone (if there's anyone actually reading this) know!

For those of you who don't know, my stepmom has MS. She has handled it very well over the years, though it's been getting to her more and more in the recent past. Regardless, she is the reason my family and I are so close to this walk. My sister and dad have been doing the walk for several years now, and last year I joined them for the first time, along with Aden.

This year, we have a team -- Wendy's Warriors! Pretty badass, don't you think? I like to think so. We're hoping that having a team will help us to raise more money than we have before. Here's hoping! It's a really good cause ... I would very much like if everyone could do their part. Even donating $10 helps in the long run!

I'm posting a link to my pledge page, so anyone who reads this can donate -- that is, if everyone even reads this! Your donations are greatly appreciated!

Click this link to donate!

Still Working

So, it turns out I didn't lose my job after all.

Now ... be warned, this story is absolutely ridiculous and everytime I tell it I think "Can a place of business really be that bad at communicating?" Well, yes ... apparently it can.

I arrived at work yesterday around 4 -- Richard drove me in early and waited in the parking lot, because if I was fired, I wasn't going to stick around for my whole shift. Once I got to work, I went into the break room to see the schedule for myself; sure enough, my name was nowhere to be seen on the new schedules that had been posted.

So I went to find the manager of the baby department, to see if she had any answers for me. She was surprised to hear that my name was not on the schedule at all, and she directed me to one of the managers of the store, who was also there last night. So I retraced my steps to the front of the store and found him. He also had no idea why I wasn't on the schedule, and he disappeared into the managers' office.

At least 5 minutes later, probably more, he came back and said he doesn't know what happened, but whoever made the schedule had screwed up. I still have a job. He explained to me that everyone's hours had been cut back ... which I know, but that doesn't explain why my name wasn't even on the schedule. Regardless of whether or not I had hours, my name should've still been on there.

But whatever, I still have my job. In all honesty, I was really looking forward to getting the chance to see the bitch-face I work with and hope to tear her a new one ... but I guess that dream will have to wait awhile before it comes true.

Oh, and I'm not the only person who's name had mysteriously disappeared from the schedule. I think whoever made the schedule got a little overzealous when they removed the people hired just for Christmas, and removed several other people too. There were a couple other people working last night who were thinking they, too, were let go, when that wasn't necessarily the case.

Gosh, I'm SO glad I work in a place where things like that are so well-communicated. The managers are clearly quite on top of things ...

Possibilities and Bravery

I found out yesterday that I might be losing my job. Yup ... apparently my name isn't even on next week's schedule. I have no clue why this might have been brought about ... but it appears that's the case. And of course, due to the fact that no manager at my job has any respect for the floor associates, no one could even tell me about this. I had to hear it from a friend who happened to me looking at the schedule ... and then it was confirmed by another friend.

I really don't know how to feel about the whole thing. I'm a little on the fence, I suppose. Losing this job makes me sad, because I really did enjoy doing what I did there ... not to mention all of the friends I've made while working there. I looked forward to going to work most of the time, because I had a little bit of a social life while I was there, despite not ever seeing them outside of work -- yet. I've developed some really awesome friendships with people there ... so at this point, I'm just hoping they won't end because my employment there is ending. After all, it's been awhile since I've had really close friends. Making those friends was, by far, the best part of my job. Sure, a lot of those friends are younger than me and don't have kids (and a few are older than me and don't have kids), but I've made friends WITH kids too, which is awesome. I'm even inviting a couple of them to Aden's birthday party in March. That is ... if we're still friends by then.

At the same time, it might be kind of a relief to be leaving. I liked the job, but there is so much BS going on there. Most of the managers don't respect anyone, and they treat all the floor people like shit. If you go to them with a problem, they make you feel like they'll do something to fix it ... and then it doesn't get fixed. It simply gets passed around as gossip and then forgotten about when something else comes up. Either that, or they'll turn the problem around on you and make it your fault, regardless of whether you had anything to do with it or not. I've been on both ends of the spectrum there. All I did was try to make my job more enjoyable for me, and in the end, I got screwed. Sounds fair, right? Nothing I ever did there was appreciated, and everything fantastic I did went unnoticed. I did a lot of good there. I made a lot of customers feel good and comfortable ... and helped a lot of first-time parents make good choices. But no ... none of that matters. All they want are people who have almost unlimited availability. It doesn't matter if you know what you're talking about in the baby department -- you could be an expert on all things baby, but if you are only available a couple nights a week, nope, you won't be working there long. Hell, my availability wasn't even that limited. I was available all weeknights, Saturdays after 1, and all Sunday. I think I made them mad by asking for days off ... but it's not like I requested those days for no reason at all! And I was only going to ask for more in the coming months -- Aden's birthday is in March, for one ... and since I'm a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding, I had a lot of commitments coming up for that too. So, in a way, I guess it's sort of a blessing in disguise if I'm fired.

Of course, I will need to find another job ASAP, but with the mall here now, I shouldn't have as much of a problem with that as I did in the past. I doubt I'll find a job that I liked as much as this one, but there are a lot of places there I wouldn't mind working. Hopefully I can find something before too long.



Now ... all that aside ... I want to talk about bravery.

I have a friend, Ashlee, who is the bravest, strongest, most amazing woman I know. She had her son on January 4th, and nothing has been easy for them. I don't know all of the details (I've been told them, I just can't remember shit), but I do that he has a heart disease. Ashlee found out that only 70% of the people with that disease live to be 20. The life expectancy for them is about 25-35 years, she says. Those are just a few of the facts I know right now ... as I keep forgetting the rest and I don't want to say them wrong!

Anyway ... Ashlee has been amazingly strong throughout all of this. If I were in a situation like that, I certainly wouldn't be that strong. I admire her so much for her strength. There are a lot of parents out there who might've given up by this point ... and parents who might not have wanted a child in the first place, and would give up on him as soon as they found out anything was wrong. But not Ashlee. Her son is so lucky to have such an amazing mother. She has cherished every moment he's been alive, and she'll continue to do so -- I know it.

If I ever find myself in a difficult position like that, I will have to do my best to channel some of Ashlee and try and gain some of her strength. She's amazing and inspiring ... and I've told her so many times in the last while, since her son's birth and even before.

I just wanted to talk about that a bit ... because she's just that amazing to me! There aren't very many people in the world who are as brave and strong as she's been ... and she deserves to know how amazing that is! Love you, Ash!

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

I realize that we're already five days into 2010, and I'm only just now doing my first blog of the year ... but this is apparently the first chance I've had to just sit down and type. That, or I'm just making excuses. Either way, here it is, my first blog entry of the year.

I also realize that it's been awhile since I last blogged anything -- a month and five days, to be exact -- so I clearly have quite a bit of updating to do here. So bear with me ... I'll try and remember all I need/want to say.


I'll start with a little replay of 2009 -- at least ... the parts of 2009 that come to me. We all know how good my memory is!

I guess if you really think about it, not much really happened in 2009 -- perhaps that's why the year went by so fast. TOO fast, even. It sort of just ... slipped away from me, you know? When 2009 began, Aden was almost 10 months old ... and now, he's already almost 22 months old! Yeah, that's obvious math ... but I still can't believe it. He's grown so much in the last year. It's almost sad to me! He's not my little baby anymore! When 2009 started, he was just starting to walk everywhere, and although it was clumsily, he was still getting around really fast! He's still clumsy ... but he's running, jumping, rolling, and spinning -- CONSTANTLY! Back when 2009 started, he could say a few things, like "mama", "dada", "hi" ... things like that. Now? I can't even understand all of the things he says, since he's learning several new words every day! My current favorites are "look", "see", "what's that" and "there she is"! He amazes me when he says things like "Oh, thanks, Mama!" and "Oh, hi, Dada!" -- I just adore hearing him talk. He's such a boy too -- he loves to drive his cars, he pretends to play hockey, and he shovels everything in sight. I just love to watch the things he does.

The relationship between Richard and I has changed a lot in the last year too. We "celebrated" our two-year "anniversary" back in February, and got "engaged" in May ... and things might have gone downhill from there a tad. Not immediately, but they did. Last month, shortly before Christmas, we came VERY close to breaking up. Things just hadn't been right for a couple weeks prior to that. We weren't saying "I love you" to each other, and we weren't kissing each other. We didn't really enjoy being in the same room at all either. I found out, through ways I will not talk about, that he was trying to find a "mistress" sometime in 2008, I think. That sparked a fight, and we talked a lot about our relationship. We decided to stick it out until after Christmas, and we both hoped that the financial stresses from the holidays was what was causing the unease in our relationship. We didn't want to break up right then and there, and end up ruining the holidays.

Things are better now, though, I'm happy to say. I'm not sure if it really was the holiday stresses causing all of our hostilities, but all the anger seems to have gone away since Christmas ended. THANK GOODNESS. I don't know yet if we'll stay together for a long time from now, but I have more hope in what we've got. It'll be three years we've been together, come February.

What else?

I've been working at Toys R Us for 5 months now, and though I'm still liking it, I'm certainly not enjoying it as much as I was before. I'm still having problems with the one girl I don't like at work -- the WSL they hired about 3 months ago now. I haven't worked with her since before Christmas, which is nice, but I work on Thursday, and so does she ... so it'll be a LOVELY start to my year. Mhm ... THAT was sarcasm. I'm not looking forward to it. It doesn't help that I haven't worked since the 27th of December, so it's probably going to be hard to get back into that work mind -- the combination of that, and working with her on my first shift back, probably won't be fun. I'm just hoping I can manage to hang onto my job for awhile yet, despite the obvious clash between the two of us.


And that's pretty much the replay of 2009.

So what do I hope for in 2010? I'm not really sure. A few months ago, I would've said "another baby!", but I don't know about that anymore. If it doesn't happen in 2010, it won't be anytime soon. I would also LIKE to move to a bigger place, but the way things are financially, I doubt that will happen too. I suppose that if we don't have another kid anytime soon, that's not really a necessity. If we don't get a bigger place, I would like to make this one more homey. It's sad to me that we've been here over a year now, and it still doesn't look like we've moved in yet. If we're going to be stuck here another year, I want to make it comfortable! Two more things: First, I want to get back into a workout routine. I put on a few pounds and inches over the holidays (damn that irresistable holiday food), and I need to get rid of it. Second, I want to get my learners'. I'm not telling that one to Richard, though, because he'll work me like a dog!

Now, I'm not considering any of those things to be resolutions ... because then I'm just setting myself up for failure. I'm just considering them ... goals, I suppose. Things to aim towards for the next 12 months. That's a long time, I think, to try and complete those things.


So, here's to a wonderful 2010. 2009 was awesome, so I doubt this year will be loads better ... but as long as it can live up to 2009, I'll be happy.