Doubts

Is it so awful that I have doubts about marrying Richard in the future? Please, tell me that's normal.

As is normal on weekends, today took a turn for the worst. It was a fine Sunday, and of course, had to go sour. It's sort of a regular weekend thing, sadly.

We went to the store, so Richard could get shaving cream, and we could pick up a few other things. When we got home, we put all the kitchen items we bought away, and Richard put his shaving cream in a spot just out of Aden's reach, instead of taking it downstairs to the bathroom -- that's fine, there have been plenty of times that I wait until I'm going downstairs for something else.

As it turns out, Richard put his shaving cream on top of a couple of pizza menu things that Aden could reach. Aden pulled the flyers, along with the can of shaving cream, onto himself. The plastic lid smashed, and a shard of it stuck in between Aden's pinkie toe and the toe next to it. It cut him open, and he started bleeding immediately. I thought he broke his little toe, because it bruised right away -- luckily he walked on it with no issues, so it isn't broken.

I grabbed Aden right away and comfort him, while Richard checks to see if anymore shards have found their way into Aden's foot. Richard then started to flip out, because he doesn't know what to do. He asked me, and I say "how would I know?" -- and he yells at me. For no reason. That's not going to help. I suggest going to the walk-in at Superstore, and we then see if Aden can walk -- like I said, he can walk, so we didn't go to the doctor. I'll just clean it out a lot so dirt doesn't get in the cut.

Richard then blames both of us for the whole thing, because he put the shaving cream there, and because I left the flyers there. The flyers have always been there... putting the shaving cream on them, however, was the mistake.

Aden got over the whole ordeal very quickly, so the subject gets dropped.

Richard, however, stayed mad.

He started cleaning up stuff, which generally means he is not in a good mood. And "cleaning" (which really means throwing stuff out) just makes him more angry. I finished up the Sprite I was drinking, and started to go downstairs -- going downstairs is my new option for dealing with fights -- it's much better than getting mad and losing it on Richard, again -- going downstairs, however, is not something Richard is okay with. To him, it's me running away from the problem. To me, it's me going to cool off so I don't get angry and lose it.

I guess in Richard's mind, I'm not allowed to lose my cool. I'm not allowed to get stressed, and I have to remain calm all the time. This is not the case. I'm a stress-case lately, for a million different reasons... and because of this, if I stay in the room during a fight, I only get more angry. On more than one occasion, I have taken my anger out on Richard, and I don't want that to happen anymore. Hence, I go downstairs to cool off.

I opted to go downstairs anyway, because him "not letting me" would just make me more angry. After a few minutes of lying in our bed, mulling things over, Richard called down to me to tell me he and Aden are going out.

After all of this, I'm doubting being engaged to him even more than I already was. I don't want to rush into a marriage, when I'm doubting the relationship already. That to me just spells out D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I don't like that word.

I want to try couples counselling. I think it would be worth it. I want to find out if our relationship is really doomed before we get married. Richard... does not agree. He thinks it would be a waste of time and money. Obviously we don't have the money to pay someone to look at our relationship from an unbiased point of view... but apparently it's sometimes partially covered by insurance. Even if it is, though, we still can't afford it. I think that I've heard something about free or cheap counselling at a place here in town... maybe I'll look into that. To me, it's something that would be very beneficial for us.

I love the guy... but... is engagement really the right thing for us?