Doubts

Is it so awful that I have doubts about marrying Richard in the future? Please, tell me that's normal.

As is normal on weekends, today took a turn for the worst. It was a fine Sunday, and of course, had to go sour. It's sort of a regular weekend thing, sadly.

We went to the store, so Richard could get shaving cream, and we could pick up a few other things. When we got home, we put all the kitchen items we bought away, and Richard put his shaving cream in a spot just out of Aden's reach, instead of taking it downstairs to the bathroom -- that's fine, there have been plenty of times that I wait until I'm going downstairs for something else.

As it turns out, Richard put his shaving cream on top of a couple of pizza menu things that Aden could reach. Aden pulled the flyers, along with the can of shaving cream, onto himself. The plastic lid smashed, and a shard of it stuck in between Aden's pinkie toe and the toe next to it. It cut him open, and he started bleeding immediately. I thought he broke his little toe, because it bruised right away -- luckily he walked on it with no issues, so it isn't broken.

I grabbed Aden right away and comfort him, while Richard checks to see if anymore shards have found their way into Aden's foot. Richard then started to flip out, because he doesn't know what to do. He asked me, and I say "how would I know?" -- and he yells at me. For no reason. That's not going to help. I suggest going to the walk-in at Superstore, and we then see if Aden can walk -- like I said, he can walk, so we didn't go to the doctor. I'll just clean it out a lot so dirt doesn't get in the cut.

Richard then blames both of us for the whole thing, because he put the shaving cream there, and because I left the flyers there. The flyers have always been there... putting the shaving cream on them, however, was the mistake.

Aden got over the whole ordeal very quickly, so the subject gets dropped.

Richard, however, stayed mad.

He started cleaning up stuff, which generally means he is not in a good mood. And "cleaning" (which really means throwing stuff out) just makes him more angry. I finished up the Sprite I was drinking, and started to go downstairs -- going downstairs is my new option for dealing with fights -- it's much better than getting mad and losing it on Richard, again -- going downstairs, however, is not something Richard is okay with. To him, it's me running away from the problem. To me, it's me going to cool off so I don't get angry and lose it.

I guess in Richard's mind, I'm not allowed to lose my cool. I'm not allowed to get stressed, and I have to remain calm all the time. This is not the case. I'm a stress-case lately, for a million different reasons... and because of this, if I stay in the room during a fight, I only get more angry. On more than one occasion, I have taken my anger out on Richard, and I don't want that to happen anymore. Hence, I go downstairs to cool off.

I opted to go downstairs anyway, because him "not letting me" would just make me more angry. After a few minutes of lying in our bed, mulling things over, Richard called down to me to tell me he and Aden are going out.

After all of this, I'm doubting being engaged to him even more than I already was. I don't want to rush into a marriage, when I'm doubting the relationship already. That to me just spells out D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I don't like that word.

I want to try couples counselling. I think it would be worth it. I want to find out if our relationship is really doomed before we get married. Richard... does not agree. He thinks it would be a waste of time and money. Obviously we don't have the money to pay someone to look at our relationship from an unbiased point of view... but apparently it's sometimes partially covered by insurance. Even if it is, though, we still can't afford it. I think that I've heard something about free or cheap counselling at a place here in town... maybe I'll look into that. To me, it's something that would be very beneficial for us.

I love the guy... but... is engagement really the right thing for us?

I Just Looooove Richard!

And, I'm just bored. You don't have to read this if you don't want to... I just thought it'd be a good time-waster!

HIS NAME: Richard James. He hates his middle name, and I'm not fond of it either.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TOGETHER? We have been together for a little over two years, and we've been engaged for about a month.

HOW LONG DID YOU DATE? Like I said, two years.

WHERE DID YOU MEET? We both worked at Wal-mart at the time, and had seen each other there, but to be honest, we met at the bar. Shame on me.

HOW OLD IS HE? He turned twenty seven last month.

WHO EATS MORE? Richard, of course. Even on nights when I think I'm going to have leftovers, I sometimes don't!

WHO SAID I LOVE YOU FIRST? Oddly enough, it was Richard. He hesitated, but it was definitley him.

WHO IS TALLER? Richard.

WHO SINGS BETTER? I don't think either of us have any talent whatsoever in this area.

WHO IS SMARTER? I would say we both are smart in different areas.

WHO DOES THE LAUNDRY? Me. Not enough, but me.

WHO DOES THE DISHES? Me, but again, not enough.

WHO SLEEPS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED? Me. It's a pain climbing over Richard to get into bed, since he goes to bed earlier than me... but it's easier for him to get out of bed in the morning.

WHO PAYS THE BILLS? Richard.

WHO DRIVES WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER? Richard. I can't drive!

WHO IS MORE STUBBORN? We are both much too stubborn.

WHO KISSED WHO FIRST? Um... Richard?

WHO ASKED WHO OUT? You know, I think technically it was Van. Richard was going out for wings with his friends Van and Don, and Van asked if I wanted to come.

WHO PROPOSED? Richard, and it was the most shocking thing in the world!

WHO IS MORE SENSITIVE? Me. Sometimes I'm not even sure Richard has actual feelings.

WHO HAS MORE FRIENDS? Richard, by far.

WHO HAS MORE SIBLINGS? Me. I have seven, Richard has two.

WHO WEARS THE PANTS IN THE FAMILY? Richard, mostly, because he pays the bills and whatnot. I'm sometimes the ultimate boss, though. Don't tell him!

Summer Is On Its Way... For Now

Aden and I arrived back from swimming lessons about a half hour or so ago (shortly before 11). Last week, walking to swimming, we needed coats and socks. This week, I walked home in my tank top, and Aden probably didn't even need his hoodie on! Yes, it's a beautiful day!

It's getting up to 27 C today (that's 80 F, for my dear American friends)! Finally it seems like summer is right around the corner. Hooray!

Of course... it's back down to 12 or so next week (53 F)... but... that's life in the prairies, I guess!

Oh well, we will enjoy the beautiful weather while it lasts. I'm thinking BBQ tonight, because there is no way I'm making my house even hotter by cooking!

Mommy Needs a Break

Only 10:17 am and that's how I'm feeling. Something truly evil has taken over my child, and it does not like me one bit. He has been doing everything he knows he's not supposed to do, and has been screaming the entire time. That's his new thing. Just... screaming. It's HORRIBLE.

I put him down for a nap shortly before 10, because he was acting all tired and grumpy... and guess what. He is just laying in his bed, talking to himself.

I'm thinking that if I don't get a break soon (and I mean a real break, not just Richard taking Aden out of the house for a few hours), I'm going to lose it. And well, I don't want to lose it. No, I need a real break. I need to pawn Aden off on my sisters for a night, or at least an afternoon. I want to go see a movie or something; we have two movie passes (for two) to use up. So there's not much stopping us from seeing a movie. AND there are so many good movies this summer... so why not see one?!

Maybe I can convince Richard to go to a movie next weekend. This weekend would be too short notice to get someone to babysit.

No matter what, mommy needs a break.

Just One Of Those "Bad Mom/Wife" Days, and Aden's Bathtub Fear

Do you ever have those days where you feel like the worst mom/wife/whatever in the whole world?

I had one of those days today. All in all, the day was pretty good. Aden and I walked to the Dollar Store with Hannah, to get some scrapbooking stuff (about time, right?), and to No Frills for milk and pop. It was a good afternoon. When Richard got home at 3:30, I began to wonder what I might cook. Since we were out of the house, I didn't do dishes... but I thought, oh, it'll be okay, I'll make pasta, and I just washed the pot a couple days ago. Richard decided he'd run to the store and get hamburger buns and macaroni salad, and he could barbeque. YES, barbeque is always good. So I gave Richard my bank card so he can go to the store and get said buns and salad.

So you may be wondering where exactly my day turns sour and I begin to feel like crap.

Richard gets back from the store, and asks for a plate to put the burgers on. CRAP. I realize there is one big plate left in the fridge. When he's done, I go to cut Aden up some meat. CRAP. I realize there are no clean forks. This is quite a feat, as we have more forks than any household should have. Once Aden's meal is already, and I send him and his food outside with Richard, I start to put together my burger. CRAP again. I realize I completely forgot to cut up any tomatoes, onions or pickles for the burgers. I look around at my surroundings, and notice my kitchen is a disaster. So many dirty dishes. Ugh. I need to hire someone just to wash my dishes I think. There are NO clean big plates, NO medium plates, NO bowls, and until Richard washed them, there were NO clean forks, and NO clean big spoons.

I. FAIL.


Aaaaanyway... enough of my epic failure as a mother/wife.

One thing I have really begun to dread is bath time. Up until recently, it was not something Aden or myself were afraid of. But in the past couple of weeks, that's changed. Drastically.

A little while ago, Aden was standing up in the tub and he peed. He never before noticed his little boy parts, at least never in the tub before. He noticed it after he peed. Towards the end of the bath, he peed again, and for some reason, it scared him. Luckily the bath was over anyway, so I took him out and all was well.

A few days later, it was bath time again, and Aden was terrified right from the start. He kept looking down at his little willy and would just whine in fear. It's so silly. By the end of the bath (which was forced to be very quick), he was bawling to get out, thanks to being so afraid.

Tonight, I was dreading bathtime. And with reason. As soon as Aden got in, he freaked. He clung to me and would not let go for the entire bath. And, I don't know about anyone else, but this did not make the bath any easier. I manage to wash his body while he was standing up, clinging to me, but the hair... it was just not going to happen. I had to force him to back up so I could wash and rinse his hair (which he hates, by the way). Once that was done, he clung to me again. I noticed he was peeing on the wall of the tub, and he hated that... and he clung even harder.

I do NOT know how to deal with this. It's such an odd fear, and not only is it causing him to fear peeing in the tub, but it's causing him to fear bathtime in general. And here I was, thinking I was lucky to have a kid who enjoyed bathtime. Stupid girl... of course it wouldn't last...

Future Contractor

Here is Aden, relaxing building a tower with Mega Blocks. He could build with these things all day long, and it's probably the only thing that keeps him entertained for more than 10 minutes. He's an excellent builder! It's so funny to watch him building. I would've made a longer video, but of course the batteries in the camera chose that moment to die.

Enjoy!

Stinky Feet!

This photo of my mom and Aden is so cute, I had to share. Aden just loves when you smell his stinky feet and react to how stinky they are. This is precisely what's going on here. I love it.

Mommy Jealousy

I often find myself falling victim to what I am calling "Mommy Jealousy". I personally am jealous of the moms that look awesome; you know the ones... the moms with the babies that are two, three, four months old... that look like they definitely did not have a baby in recent months. We all know a mom like that, am I right? For me, there seems to be a lot of moms running around looking positively HOT.

For example, just now I was looking at photos of a mommy friend of mine, and her little guy, who is just a month and a half old. This friend looks GREAT. I don't know how she looks body-wise, but she looks like she is really taking care of herself. I don't know about all of you, but when Aden was a month and a half old, I couldn't even remember how to take care of myself -- I had scraggly hair, a terrible body, and, of course, horrible bags under my eyes, due to the inevitable lack of sleep a new mom gets. This adorable friend of mine looks like she has none of that. She looks as though she gets her full 8 hours every night, and like her little guy must cause her zero grief whatsoever. Ugh. JEALOUS.

And then there are the other moms at Aden's swimming lessons. The majority of them just make me feel like a slob. And really, I know I'm not that bad, but looking at most of them, I feel like I'm gross. Aden in the second oldest in his class, the oldest being a couple months older than him, and the youngest ones being around 4 or 5 months old. One of the moms of a 5 month old wears a BIKINI. Can you believe it? A freaking bikini. And she can pull it off too. Again, JEALOUS. I wear a bikini too... under shorts... and a tank top... and I still feel like a fat slob!

I hope there are moms out there who are not victims of this horrible... disease. It's bad enough comparing yourself to other moms for your mothering skills (something I can gladly say I rarely do), but comparing yourself to other moms for how good they look? That's just hell.

We Will Still Need A Song

A little while ago, I was listening to music and adding to my list of songs (we'll be using an iPod for our wedding reception, so I started a list of songs to download) and I realized I don't know what Richard and I will dance to for our first dance as a married couple. We don't have "a song". We're just not... song-having people. I suppose this isn't really a valid issue yet, since we haven't "officially" begun the planning process, but it still struck me as... not good.

This issue reminded me of a song:

We Will Still Need A Song by Hawksley Workman

Baby you're drunk and acting tough
I know you're sad
You're not the only one who feels like that now

And maybe anger is your only choice
But maybe heart and fist and human voice
Might be the better way
Be the way

Cause we, we will still need a song
To carry our love away
To carry it away
We will still need a song
To carry our hearts away
To carry them away

Don't let another tear be in your eyes
We can die in peace knowing we tried
To change our own ways

The poets let a generation down
And modern music could be the healing sound
It's the only way
Only way

Cause we, we will still need a song
To carry our love away
To carry it away
We will still need a song
To dance on our wedding day
To carry it away

And we will still need a song (we will still need)
To carry ourselves (to carry ourselves)
To carry ourselves

And we, we will still need a song
To carry our hearts away
To carry them away
We will still need a song
To dance on our wedding day
To carry it away

Last chance..........
(apparently the website I found these lyrics on really didn't know what went next...)

Cause we, we will still need a song
To carry our love away
We will still need a song
To dance on our wedding day
To carry it away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZSN8n9lAP4

Happy Birthday, Molly!

Today my sister is seventeen. And that makes me old. I may be only twenty, but the fact that Molly is now seventeen makes me feel like I must be much older! That's crazy. And Molly turning seventeen means that I'll be twenty-one later this year. And you know, they only want you when you're seventeen. When you're twenty-one, you're no fun. Sorry, it had to be said.


I think seventeen is probably one of the better years for most people. I know it was pretty awesome for me, and I know it was my other sister, Hannah's, favourite year too. There were so many things that happened when I was seventeen; they may not have all been good, but they certainly made it a very memorable year. Two of the best things? Graduating is obviously up there... and number one was definitely our band trip to California. That was still one of the best times of my life.


But, enough of my experiences as a seventeen-year-old. That's the past. As for the present, happy birthday, Donk!

What's the Rush?

I just found out an old friend of mine is pregnant with her second child. She's been married for almost two years, I guess, and her daughter is somewhere around a year old -- and now she is pregnant for a second time. It sounds as though her biological clock must be ticking and she is therefore in a huge rush, does it not? The funny thing is, this friend is the same age as me: 20. Honestly, what's the rush when you're just 20? Sure, I have Aden and he's 14 months old, but I'm not in any rush to add to my family, or even to get married. I'm taking my life one step at a time. No rush to be had here (even if Richard thinks he's getting up there in age... but that's another tale).

I have another issue with this, though. Quite frequently, I see said friend's facebook status full of complaints about money and their lack of it. Why bring another child into the picture if you're having money difficulties already? I'm not sure if this second child was planned, but if it was, I'm thinking it was probably too quick. I don't talk to this friend often, so I guess I have no place to criticise, but really... is it wise to add another baby to the equation, when money is tight for everyone? I'm thinking that money may be the reason for a lot of families only containing one child. After all, money is a huge factor keeping me from even thinking about a second baby (as much as I do want one in the future). I mean... don't you want to be able to provide the best life possible for a planned baby? Everyone wants the best for the children -- at least as far as I know.