I Don't Want To

Right now, I'm a shut in.  Given everything that's going on, I just... don't want to have a social life.  I don't want to have to talk about what's going on, I don't want to have to tell people what's going on if they don't already know, and I don't want to hear their pointless suggestions on how to fix my problems.  I'm sure that makes me sound like a bitch, but really, no... right now, I don't want it.  Of the few friends who even know I'm depressed (and that's all they know), all I hear is pointless suggestions that I would love to appreciate but I really don't.  I mean... do they all think I haven't tried just being happy?  Or I haven't already tried distracting myself or finding something to do?  Of course I have!  Fine, thanks for the suggestion, but when you're as depressed as me, it doesn't work.  What advice would these friends offer if they knew everything else that was going on?  I don't even want to know.  So I avoid it.

Every single time I talk to one friend, he flirts, says he wants to hang out, we can get drunk, etc, etc.  Right now, I do not want to be flirted with, and I'm honestly on the verge of telling any guy who tries to shut up.  I don't want to hang out, for the reasons I said above, and well, I can't get drunk -- really, I can't.  Of course I feel bad for not seeing this friend, since he's not even here for that long because he works up north... but I just don't want to deal with a social life right now.  What am I supposed to say?

The only friend I want to see is the one I see every day.  He's the only one who knows everything that's going on, and he's the only one who doesn't offer useless advice or who could judge me.  This is why he's my best friend.  I can be around him with no pressure and without feeling like I have any secrets.  It's easy to hang out with him... it's not a chore like I feel like it could be with anybody else.  I don't have to watch my mouth... I don't have to be careful what I say.  Around anyone else, I'd have to be careful what I say, because they don't know something -- I could reference something they don't know about at any moment.  But here, it's not like that.  It's relaxing... not more added stress.

I want to just flip out and say, even in all caps: "I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT RIGHT NOW... STOP ASKING!!'' but then of course I'd lose more friends than I already have.  I may not have the desire to see any friends right now, but I don't want to lose them altogether.  I have no idea how I'm supposed to go about fixing this issue.  If I say I don't want to hang out for awhile, they'll ask why, and then what?  I give the depression excuse and then it's, "Hang out with me, I'll make you feel better."  Well no, you won't, actually.  If I thought that would help, I would do it!  I can't really explain beyond that without being judged, and that's the last thing I want.  I know, I shouldn't care what people think... but really, no one wants to be judged by their friends... especially for things you're going through.

Ugh... sometimes it'd be nice if there were more people in my life who I knew I could talk to and feel comfortable around.  Being a shut-in is so sad.

Rock Bottom - Happy New Year

I feel like I've hit rock bottom.  There are a lot of reasons, and I really don't feel like talking about them all AGAIN, so I'll just mention the basic points:

• I'm pregnant again, and I'm getting an abortion.  I feel like I'm not stable enough mentally -- not even close -- to handle nine months of pregnancy AND the agonizing months that follow, and the hellish hormones that go along with them.  It was a tough choice to make, but it was one I had to make.  I feel like it's my only option, and so far, no one's really disagreed.  I am sure I'll regret it somewhat after, for how long I don't know, but that's something I will have to deal with.  I think regretting having an abortion will be easier to cope with than if I had the baby and regretted that.
• Aden's dad kicked me out.  It's a very long story, and I DO NOT want to get into the details, but the result is bad enough, I think.  So now I don't get to see Aden and I can't talk to him at all (even when he's at my dad's, just because of circumstances) until like... Thursday, and then after that, we'll see.  It's killing me being away from him again.
• I'm losing my job -- yeah, the one I JUST got.  I expected it, because I've been missing so many shifts due to being depressed and having morning sickness.  And aside from that, I was only hired on as seasonal with the possibility of being kept on, so it was easy for them to drop me.  But still, it's kind of just one more thing on top of everything else.

So that's basically it.  And this is on top of the already exsisting depression I'm dealing with, and so many other things.  I'm stuck back at Richard's for now, which is really alright, because he's the only one in my real life who knows EVERYTHING that's going on, even if he doesn't always want to talk about it.  He's the only one who's here for me without criticising me, and that's what I need.

My family all claims they're here for me... but their support always comes with critisicm.  I know that they probably know more about how I feel than anybody else, but they way they talk to me, I still feel like they don't know.  They think they're helping when they talk to me, but they aren't.  They only want answers, which I don't have, and they only want to know what I'm doing next, which I also do not know.  They keep offering "helpful advice", but I just don't see it that way.  I have to start feeling better before I can do anything else, I think.

And then there are my "friends".  I would LOVE to be able to talk to them about everything... tell them about being kicked out, about losing my job, and especially about the pregnancy/abortion, but I can't.  Carly has judged everything I have ever done, and she takes it personally when I make a mistake -- even one that doesn't affect her in the least.  So to tell her all of those things, she would tear me a new one -- and of course, she would take it to heart, as if every choice I have made was to spite her.  She invited Richard, and then me, over for New Years Eve, and then got extremely upset when I chose not to go -- and I chose not to go so I could avoid doing/saying something to upset her.  I did what I thought was the better choice, and then got burned for it.  In the end, Richard came home and decided he doesn't need her, because she attacked him for still being my friend and for taking me in!  What I need now more than ever is friends like Richard, but I guess she doesn't understand that some people are like him -- understanding.  I suppose maybe she wants me to be alone, so I can't hurt anyone with my choices.  Granted, I have made some selfish choices, but I did not make them to spite ANYONE -- she is being selfish by acting as though my bad choices WERE made to spite her, and then hating me for it.

But that is fine.  I'm not about to put all of my focus into winning her back when I have so many other things to focus on.  If she doesn't think I need her, then I don't.  I have one understanding and forgiving friend -- I don't need one who pretends to be.


So basically, I'm starting 2011 in a deep, dark hole, and I don't know how to climb out.

I have a job interview tomorrow, but I'm nervous for so many reasons.  I'm nervous that I won't deal well with working, when my last job went so well.  I think I will ask for part-time, with the possibility of moving up to full-time later on or something... and we'll see what happens.  I need a job that's flexible, for when emergencies come up, and things like that.

Ugh... well, happy new year anyway.