My Best Friend

A year ago this month, I met the man who is now so many things to me.  I don't remember the first time I ever saw him and I don't remember what day it was, because I never thought he would ever be one of the most important people in my life.  The first memory I have of him is the first time we actually had a conversation.

It was near the end of the night at work and my job was to clean the girls' bathroom.  He was cleaning the boys' bathroom and I knew it was his first time doing it, or one of them anyway.  I don't know what prompted me to do it, but I went into the boys' bathroom to take the garbage once I was done in my bathroom... just to be nice.  I think maybe I had been bringing him my mop as well, but I'm not sure.  We started talking in the short time I was in there with him.  I thought he was nice and cute, and I would find out later that he thought I was hot... that was why he actually wanted to talk to me.  I don't remember how exactly the conversation started, but I do remember mentioning having a son, and I remember his reaction to it.  "Shut up," he had said, and I can still hear him saying that.  And then the conversation went as most conversations did after people found out I have a child.  They ask how old I am, I tell them, and then it's "oh!" because I don't look that old.  Our conversation was very similar to that.  He told me later that he would've started flirting with me, but he figured it'd be a no-no.  At that time, it probably would've been.

We didn't become friends that quickly after that really.  We added each other on facebook and would have casual conversations at work, but it took a long time for it to go beyond that.  We didn't bond until maybe November when we made more mutual friends, we'll say... and it wasn't until December that we started talking a lot on facebook.  Even then, I had a crush on him, but I couldn't admit that to anyone -- not myself, not him, and certainly not anyone else.  I was off the market.  Unhappy, but off the market nonetheless.  Once we started talking more, that's when the flirting started.  I remember it catching me really off guard when he told me he I was cute, or hot, or whatever he had said first.  I was not used to compliments and I never knew how to handle them.  Usually I'd brush it off, but from him, I accepted it.

As I learned more about him and grew to like him, I drifted more and more from the relationship that was holding me back.  I fell fast and hard for him... faster than I ever had before.  And I think we know how the story pans out after that, for the most part.

2010, of course, had been a whirlwind for me, thanks to him.  January was the start of the best thing ever, February was when our relationship really began, from March to June I was in the best relationship I had ever been in, and then he broke my heart.  When I thought I was going to lose him forever, I realized that he was more than just the greatest boyfriend I had ever had -- somewhere along that line, he became my best friend too.  I maybe could have walked away and gotten over someone who had broken my heart and left it at that, but I couldn't walk away from the man who had become so much more than that to me.

In the time that followed, I struggled with not being able to be with the guy I'm so in love with.  But even though it hurt to see him and not being able to be his girlfriend, I still couldn't forget about my best friend.  We moved out in July, as we'd been planning for months, even though it wasn't going to be quite how I wanted.  Since then, things have gone way downhill it seems, with everything.  I got very depressed because he decided Aden wasn't allowed here, I lost my job, I fractured my hand... everything just seemed to be getting worse and worse.

Things seem pretty bad a lot of the time, and I'm constantly hearing (from several people and myself) that I'm stupid and I have made so many mistakes, but things really don't feel as bad as they seem.  And it's because I'm with Richard, my best friend.  He may cause a lot of the problems sometimes, but all in all, it feels a lot better to have him with me than it would to not.  He doesn't understand what I'm dealing with, and he thinks all my sadness is all in my head and I can control it... but I know I would only feel worse if I wasn't near him.

It's been one hell of a year but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I got the greatest best friend out of it.

Turning Twenty Two

It's October 1st today, which means my birthday is in 30 days.  In 30 days, I am going to be older.  In 30 days, I will be 22.  Still 30 days and that fact is already starting to get to me.  I never believed it when people said that when you get older birthdays are less... awesome, because I have always LOVED my birthday.  I don't even really know why, because I haven't had that many birthdays that stand out in my mind as amazing... I guess I just really enjoy that day.  I count down to it, I look forward to it... it's the best day of the year!

But starting yesterday, I started to really think about it.  I am going to be 22 this year.  I have turned 18, I have turned 21... and now, nothing.  Just 22.  It wouldn't be so bad if I FELT 22, but I definitely don't.  21, maybe, but not 22.  When you're 22, you should be maybe graduated from college, or at least on your way to it.  You should be ... at least mostly sure of what you want to do with your life.  You should have a few years of working under your belt, at least.  You should be paying rent and bills and squeezing your way through life financially.  You should be enjoying yourself and just living life before you have to find a man and settle down and have kids.

22 for me is going to feel like a failure.  I have never considered college until recently, and I can't even afford to apply.  I have no clue what to do with my life, and I never have.  In total, I have maybe 2 years of working under my belt.  I have had 4 jobs since I was 16.  That might be impressive if each of those jobs lasted around a year, but that is not the case.  It was about 2 months on, a year off... 6 months on, 18 months off... 4 months on, 10 months off... a year on, and so far, 2 months off -- NOT impressive.  I should be working a "real" job, not looking for a job a fucking 16 year old can do.  I have contributed to rent ONCE in the two and a half months since we moved here, and I haven't been able to pay my phone bill since I got fired.  If it weren't for Richard, I wouldn't be squeezing through at all.  Not even slightly.  I cry almost every day, at least a little bit, and I can't make myself enjoy things the way I should.  I have found a man but I can't have him, and he's all I can think about like I'm a damn teenager with a crush.  I cannot settle down until all the other steps are completed -- steps I have not even started.  And I already have a child... I just suck at being his mother.

And that's just the start of it all.  I have a feeling the next month is going to be terrible for me.  It's going to feel like the countdown to the end.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ... BOOM!!  FAILURE!!!