An Ugly Thing

Today, as it does almost weekly, jealousy has reared it's ugly head. I have jealousy issues for as long as I can remember. It never goes away. I don't know why it started, exactly, but I am not a fan. It only frustrates me and puts a strain on my relationship -- it's been like that with every one.

I'll explain my current jealousy.

Boyfriend has this friend, who happens to be a girl. She's nothing special. I don't want to toot my own horn here, but she's got nothing on me. I know I'm no great catch, but that just tells you that she's not one either. She's a nice enough girl, but that's one of the only things she's got going for her. She's not much to look at, and she's got issues of her own. So the fact that he's hanging out with a girl is not where this jealousy comes from.

She's a girl I've been hearing about for awhile, probably since we started our "relationship" -- and I put that in quotes because I'm talking about before our relationship was officially a relationship. By the sounds of it, she was a crazy bitch. It's no secret that she's got a thing for him, though if I asked her, I doubt she'd willingly admit it. He told her about me in the start -- back when I was "engaged" -- and she had a huge problem with it. She'd hear him flirting with me on the phone, and she'd steal his phone and read our dirty text messages ... and she'd then give him shit for flirting with "a mom who is engaged", as she'd put it. The first time Boyfriend and I ever spoke on the phone, she was over at his place, and I heard her bitching in the background. She ended up crying, followed by freaking out, stealing his phone, hanging up on me, and hiding it from him. Mature, right?

They stopped talking for a little while after that, because like I said, she's a crazy bitch. She takes jealousy to a whole new level and makes mine look completely tame. She makes my jealousy look like nothing at all. She wasn't going to have an effect on the relationship Boyfriend and I were starting, so she gave up after that.

They talked once in awhile occasionally on facebook, and then she decided they were going to hang out again. Well, this happened to fall on a day that Boyfriend and I were spending together, maybe a few weeks after we officially became a couple and were spending every weekend together, and some weekdays. I believe this was a Monday. He told me they had plans to hang out, but he didn't really care if she decided to cancel when she found out I'd be there too. So I was obviously okay with it. While we were together, she called to say she was on her way. He told her I was there, and guess what? She flipped. She began to yell at him on the phone, and I could hear every word she said. Boyfriend said to her, and I remember this very clearly, "What am I supposed to do? Tell my girlfriend not to come over because you and I are hanging out?" and she responded with "Yeah!" He told her off, basically, saying he wouldn't do that to his girlfriend, and she can come over if she wants, but I wasn't leaving. I think he hung up on her after that, and we weren't entirely sure if she'd be coming over still, though he had a feeling she would, in an attempt to ruin the day. Our two best friends were also coming over that day, and they showed up soon after the phone call. We hung out for a little while before Boyfriend's friend showed up, and well, it was awkward. She made no attempt to blend in with the group, and just made herself as unpleasant as possible. That night ended sorely, with Aden's dad threatening me, forcing me to go back home, which I'm sure pleased little Miss Crazy in some sick way. Our best friends offered to drive me home, and Boyfriend said he'd come too. I was unsure if I should stick around with him and his friend when our besties went to the car, so I followed them. After that, Boyfriend said she yelled at him quite a lot, and he wishes I would've stuck around so she couldn't do that.

Well, they stopped talking again for a little while after that -- it helped that Boyfriend got his phone cut off for a while. I didn't hear about her again until Boyfriend moved in with one of our friends last month. Then suddenly they began to hang out again, mainly because of necessity. Boyfriend didn't want to sit at our friend's parents' house by himself while our friend went to work, which is definitely understandable, so they started going to movies, mostly on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, or Thursdays, or a combination of the three. Our friend that he lives with works on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and I work on Wednesdays and Thursdays, so he's just sitting at home bored on those days. It makes sense that he'd want to get out of the house, and his crazy friend just happens to be his only other option of friend, really.

But still, necessity doesn't stop me from being jealous. Like I said before, she's not much of a catch, so that's not the reason I'm jealous. I'm jealous because she gets to spend time with the man of her dreams, while meanwhile, I have to wait until weekends to spend time with him. I know he's not doing anything to get her hopes up, but she isn't exactly ... in her right mind, so I can't help but wonder if maybe she's getting her hopes up anyway. And of course, since she's a thousand times more jealous than I am, she won't let him text me, not even once, when they're out together. She gets all angry and "crazy bitch" about it if he so much as checks his phone. So we don't talk, for somewhere around four hours at a time. It's not so bad on Wednesdays or Thursdays when I'm working during those four hours anyway, but on days like today, where I'm just sitting at home, those four hours seem like an eternity.

Yes, Aden is here with me right now, so you might think that would be a good enough time-waster for four hours. But you'd be wrong. You see, playing with Mr. "Totayo" Head, and watching Dumbo or 101 Dalmatians for literally hours on end gets VERY monotonous. I can only sit here with him for so long before I need something else to do. Texting Boyfriend while I sit with Aden is a very nice break in the monotony. It's always something I look forward to. Even when we're texting each other all day long, and the texts are pretty much the same old thing all day, I still look forward to it. So it stinks when it can't happen.

Now, let me just say that my jealousy issues have really lessened since I've been with Boyfriend. I just trust him more than anyone else I've been with before, I guess. The lack of crazy ex-girlfriends helps with that too. Yeah, he's got his fair share of chicks who like him (including the crazy he's with now), but I know he won't egg that on or do anything about it. I am dealing with the fact that most of his friends are girls, and most of them are desireable. I have never had a boyfriend who generally had girls as friends, but I think I'm doing okay with it. I can deal with the fact that he sees girls on a regular basis (not friends, just in general), and I can deal with him spending time with this particular one.

I am quite sure this will all change when he decides he's ready to live with me (here's hoping that's sooner, rather than later), because I'm quite sure that she won't be willing to spend time with us both, and I know he'll be content sitting at home by himself while I go to work. Until then, I know they'll continue seeing movies together (and I'll just have to hope there ones I don't want to see with him), and I'll just have to deal with it.

My goodness, jealous is an ugly thing.

Once Again, Things Change

Before I do anything else, I have to talk about my wonderful little boy.

That's okay with everyone, yes? Of course it is. He's wonderful.

Everytime I see him, it seems like he's capable of telling me more and more things. Last night, when I got home from work, he was still awake in my bed, so I laid with him and we talked for a little while. He told me about all the things he did lately, including seeing his Great Grandpa and seeing "two horsies!" He told me what the horsies say, and told me he also saw two bears and some dinosaurs. He told me a lot of things, and then he sang me his own version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, which goes something like this:

Twinkle twinkle twinkle twinkle twinkle twinkle
Little little little staaaaaaar!

I like it a lot better than the original, I think.

There are things he does every day that I just love too. He tells me he loves me and gives me kisses, all on his own. He tells me he wants to watch Toy Story or "The Train" (Dumbo). He'll say to me, "Am I Buzz Lightyear?" to which I respond, "Are you Buzz Lightyear?" and he says yes, throws his arms in the air and says, "To infinity, and beyond!" Very cute.

My point is, the child may drive me bonkers at times (being that he's two and all), but at the same time, I just LOVE the age he's at right now. I miss him so much on the days he's not here (despite how it seems on the outside), and I'm so happy he's here with me for two days in a row!



Anyhow, no, my blog entry for this evening will not be all about how awesome and wonderful my sweet child is, as much as I'm sure you'd all love that. I actually DO have an update for you all.

Once again, things have changed. In such a short time, we have gone from four of us "officially" having a place, to Boyfriend getting a place on his own and basically saying "screw it" to the rest of us, to Boyfriend getting his own place and our two friends getting a place together, leave me in the dust ... and, yes, it has changed ... AGAIN.

Earlier today, I told Boyfriend I'm afraid my parents want me gone, but that they obviously aren't going to kick me out since I have Aden. I assured Boyfriend that I would be fine and I would start looking for a basement suite or something I could afford on my own. I even started emailing some places in the city, and I called one place in town. Of course, to no surprise of my own, most places that only have one room available are not cool with me having Aden. One even went so far as to say "I'm okay with your kid, as long as he doesn't cry." Uh ... dude? He's two.

Anyway, yeah ... my search didn't really come back very ... successful, but that's fine. I have yet to hear back from some places, so I really wasn't worried. I told Boyfriend all of this, and he said he was worried, but I reassured him it would all be okay.

A little later, he asked me to move in. For real. He said it's kind of scary, moving forward like that, but he said it's better than what might've happened otherwise. He said if we didn't move forward, he thinks he'd end up leaving (or maybe I would). So moving forward it is! I must admit, I was REALLY jealous that he was getting his own place, and our two friends were getting one together ... and here I'd be, miserable at my parents' house. But that's changed, and now it looks like Boyfriend and I are going to be roomies again! Hooray!

He put a deposit down on a place yesterday, a two-bedroom apartment -- he was looking at two-bedroom places to keep options open for the future, but us moving in now works too. The only thing is, it might be an adults-only building, so we have to wait and see if it will actually work. If not, we might have to keep looking. Still, it's exciting!


Luckily for me, his decision couldn't come sooner.

My parents are continuing to push me over the edge. They won't outright say that they want me to move, but oh, they are making it VERY hard to live here. My dad basically lost it on me tonight, telling me he wanted to hit me and things like that. I don't even do anything to intentionally piss him off. It's just EVERYTHING I do. This particular time, it was me "having attitude" while talking to him.

It doesn't even matter. I'm leaving ASAP, and I doubt we'll have a very good relationship once I'm gone.



Ugh.

Change of Plans

So things have changed, as I'm sure you've guessed, judging by the title of this post.

Boyfriend had a little ... breakdown of sorts yesterday. At this point I'm still not sure what sparked it all, but needless to say, I was freaking out ... as freaking out is what I do best. I cried for a little while before I realized that it was stupid and things would most likely be fine in the morning. I eventually got to sleep, and that was that.

And I was right, today started off in a better mood ... until ...

I found out that Boyfriend decided he has a decision to make, about moving in. The poor man has been so stressed lately (nearly 50 days in a row of work, and counting, will do that to a person), us not getting that place just was the last straw, I guess. Oh right, I didn't blog about not getting the place we thought we had. Yeah, turns out the landlord was a huge BITCH and rented the place out right from under us. Of course, we were all pissed, and it just made Boyfriend think things through again.

Long story short, as of now, Boyfriend's choice is to postpone moving in ... hopefully not inevitably. He is looking at two-bedroom places to keep all possibilities open. I'm going to continue staying with him on weekends and when I can, like we've been doing since March, and with the two bedrooms, Aden and I can go for sleepovers sometimes together! AND with the two bedrooms, it'll keep the possiblity open of moving in in a few months time, if Boyfriend wants that. I'm hoping he will, but I'll try not to push.

Basically, we've decided (or maybe ... he's decided) that we're going to stop rushing. The way he puts it, we've got our whole lives ... why rush it now? I agree. Yes, I'm disappointed that I have to stay in my dad's house for who knows how long, but I wouldn't want him to feel forced into living with me either. It's just better this way.

I'm keeping on my happy face!

The Way Life Is

Well, the house that will be ours has been delayed another week. We were supposed to sign the lease on Sunday, but that didn't happen. Luckily the place is still potentially ours, we just have to meet the landlord again on this upcoming Sunday, when we can pay the entire deposit and the rent for the remainder of the month. Then we can sign the lease and get the keys, and we can start moving stuff in that night! I've probably got my hopes up higher than they should be, but I'm quite sure that this landlord won't back out on us, and I'm quite sure the place will still be ours next weekend.

Moving in is going to be a long and tedious process though, that's for sure. If we could've started this week, it would've been much easier. Next week, though, not so much. We all work on different days and at different times of day, so there's never a day when we're all off together. Our one future roomie starts her exams next week, so she'll probably be studying when she's not working. It'll be most convenient for Boyfriend and I to start moving stuff, but neither of us have a vehicle (and I can't drive), so that's out of the question. I'm sure we can probably move some stuff there from our friend's house, with the help of her dad, but it won't be much. My stuff will be the most difficult to move, being that I'm from a different city. I don't want to ask my dad for help even though he's the one with a regular-sized truck -- though I'll most likely ask him to move Aden's bed for me -- so it's gonna be hard. Maybe if we get everyone's vehicles (three cars and a very small truck) we can do the important stuff in one trip, but I doubt we'll get it all.

Hopefully we can get it done in a week though, or most of it anyway, because Aden's dad and I agree that Aden shouldn't come until we're more settled in. We agreed that he'll come after a week, because at least we'll be mostly settled by then, but now his dad's saying no, we have to be completely settled in before he comes. Well ... I'll obvoiusly be lying to him about when I'm settled, considering I have lived in one place for a year and a half before and never really settled in. Whatever ... Aden will come after a week, regardless of his dad's opinion.

And speaking of his dad ... he's also got to realize that meeting halfway to pick up/drop off Aden just isn't going to work with everyone's schedules. He'll have to bring him all the way most of the time, and we'll bring him all the way home at other times. He'll just have to suck it up.



And on a completely different subject, my sister is being a huge bitch. Yeah, I said it. She is, once again, acting like she's so much better than me, basically. She was like this when Aden's dad and I first broke up, calling me stupid, pretty much telling me she knew better than me and I was being an idiot. Now she's doing it again, and it was provoked by nothing. She has this attitude like she's been through much more than I have, and like she's so much wiser and knows so much more about life and the world. I don't know where the hell this attitude comes from, though, because she is completely wrong. She hasn't been through nearly as much life as I have, and she doesn't know anything about the world. She's 18, and she's just graduating high school in a week. She's lived in a small town her entire life, and she's basically sheltered from quite a bit. I, on the other hand, am almost 22 and have been through a heck of a lot more than she has. I have no clue why she thinks she is so much wiser than me. It's incredibly annoying and frustrating.

She's actually trying to "ban" me from going to her grad that I'm already invited to. As much as I hate her right now, I still want to go, since it's my baby sister's grad, but if I can't go, I can't go.

She'll eventually realize she's not as smart as she apparently thinks she is, but in the mean time, she had better keep her effing opinions to herself, and OFF of my facebook wall for all to see.

Ugh.

Finally!

It's (almost) official -- we have a house! We looked at it on Sunday and it's basically ideal for our needs. Three bedrooms, one and a half bathrooms, cute little end townhouse ... perfect! The townhouse complex it's in is HUGE, so it's got quiet little streets where we can play and not worry. We've got a nice little deck in the back, so even though the backyards are all attached, that'll be nice for some privacy. There's enough room back there so Aden can play and have a good time too.

We're going to meet the landlord on Sunday so we can sign the lease and figure everything out, and then the soonest we'll be moving in is ... in like a week and a half! How exciting is that?! After all the searching and all the bad luck, we finally found some good luck. Excellent luck, even. We found a perfect place for an even better price and an awesome landlord -- nicest lady ever, seriously. Before we know it, we'll all be living together like one happy little family, me and my boyfriend and our besties and Aden ... how cute.

On a side note (pardon my pathetic girliness here), I miss Boyfriend, and I can't wait until we live together so I don't have to miss him during the week!

Garage Sale, etc.

I'll say it right now: I'm a packrat, and I'm not ashamed. Because of that, I HATE garage sales. Don't get me wrong, I'll gladly go to one and see if there's any useless thing I can buy, especially now that I'm house-hunting ... but I will NEVER have one of my own. At least, not at this point. I can't stand the thought of getting rid of things. Throwing it out, passing it on to someone else, selling it ... it doesn't matter, I DON'T like it.

My parents had a garage sale this weekend, for which they graciously accepted everyone else's stuff to sell. They are putting all the money from it towards MS, so they were totally willing to take everything they could. This included a whole bunch of Aden's past -- actually, huge chunks of it -- that his dad so pleasantly gave them. Needless to say, I was PISSED. I have told him so many times that I don't want to keep EVERYTHING, but there were specific things I DID want to keep. Mainly clothes (not all of them, just the best ones), his bouncy seat because my sister got it for him, and his mobile because my mom got it for him, and a few other things. Nothing big, nothing that would've been a huge inconvenience for him to give to ME instead of the garage sale ... but no no, of course it was too much to ask, and he couldn't LISTEN to my wishes.

I don't even want to ask what my parents sold that was Aden's. I know they had the crib and mattress, which I didn't want to keep anyway ... but I don't know what else actually went into it. This morning, I found out they opened a new toy for Aden to play with that he got for his birthday THREE months ago, and know what? Someone put it on a table and sold it. He got to play with it once. I bet he loved it too. It was a dinosaur toy -- he LOVES dinosaurs. And it's gone.

Okay, so the level of my packrat-ness is a little extreme, but still. Aden's dad KNOWS I want another kid someday, so I WANTED to keep some of Aden's stuff to pass on. But no, as his mother, I apparently get no choice. Why should I, right? I'm selfish and a horrible mother. At least ... if you ask him, I am.

Ugh ... I'm just sick of this. That jerk has GOT to stop upsetting me. It's pointless. He's just pissed that life isn't going the way he wants, and he's taking it out on me. He constantly texts me when he knows I'm gone on the weekends, and tries to make me feel bad, and then threatens my parenthood when I either don't reply, or don't have a ridiculously pleasant attitude when I text him back. Of COURSE I won't be pleasant when you're treating me like shit, jackass! Anyway ... he starts threatening my following week with Aden, saying he won't bring him by ... blah, blah, blah ... all because he's mad that I'm staying with my boyfriend that weekend. It's extremely annoying, and unnecessary.

It's got to end one day, right? He'll get over it eventually when he realizes, with the rest of the world, that it's not just a quickie and we're in it for the long run. REALLY. He can't hold this stupid grudge forever, can he?

Dammit ... so frustrated ...