To Date or Not To Date

Suddenly, I have had a bit of a... change occur.  It kind of came out of the blue, but I definitely noticed it.  I realized that I'm not as pathetically in love with Richard as I thought I was.  I don't know when that went away, but at some point, it did... and I am really quite relieved.  Obviously there are still lingering feelings, particularly when other women in his life are mentioned, but it is not the obsessive can't-stop-thinking-about-him feeling that I had before.  And like I said... it's a relief.  At least, for the most part.

Something that I've noticed that came hand-in-hand with that is a change in myself as well.  Up until very recently, I didn't really like when other guys flirted with me.  It was a rarity, and usually over facebook or text, with a specific handful who had my number... but however it took place, I didn't like it.  I didn't know how to react or respond, and I would try to just ignore it.  Being asked out on a date was even worse -- I did not want to date AT ALL.  Not in the least.

Now?  I'm thinking maaaaaybe that's changed.  Sort of out of the blue, I started accepting the flirting a little more.  I gave my number to a couple of those guys who were previously just facebook friends.  I let a couple guys back in my life who I had stopped talking to because of flirting.  And I started a new job last week where I'm working with four guys, who I have noticed are pretty nice guys.

And you know what?  I'm flirting back.  The last time I flirted with somebody, it was Richard.  I'm obviously not flirting with these guys to the extent that I was flirting with him, since even at the time he was a very special person to me... but still, I am flirting.  And it feels good.  It feels good that guys want to talk to me like that, and that I'm comfortable enough to do it back.  It might not be really obvious, over-the-top flirting, but in my own way, it is indeed flirting.  One of the guys from work actually wanted to add ME on facebook.  Usually it's me being the creeper and trying to hunt people down on facebook... but yesterday at work he actually asked me if he could add me.  Cute right?  So cute.

So this makes me wonder... could I be ready to date?  Up until the flirting started to be okay, I was very much against dating.  I didn't want to be with anyone but Richard, and I didn't want to go on a date with someone when I knew I didn't want it to go any further.  But now I'm thinking maybe it could be okay.  Nothing serious, of course, just casual dating.  And I sure as hell won't be sleeping with anybody... JUST dating.  That is something I have never done before, and I think I would really enjoy that.  Casual dating... do people even do that anymore?  Well, doesn't matter... I am seriously considering doing it.  I don't see myself getting into a relationship with anybody anytime soon, but hey, there's no harm in a date here and there right?

There's a big part of me, though, that doesn't want to... partly because of Richard, and partly because I'm scared.  I don't want to get attached to anybody and I don't want to get hurt again.  Wow... I never thought of myself as fragile before... but I guess that was back before I ever had my heart broken.  I guess it's pretty normal that I have changed in that sense.  And then obviously there's my... emotional issues.  I wouldn't want that to get in the way of me dating somebody.  I have jealousy issues when it comes to Richard... so maybe if I go and date that would make it worse.  And maybe if I start dating, Richard will think it's okay for him to do the same (even though he tells me he has no interest in it at all) and I will lose it again.  I don't want that to happen.  But I know it would, and I wouldn't be able to stop it.

It would probably be easier once I move out, but then again... maybe not.  Then I'd always be wondering what he was doing.  What I would LOVE is for us to be at a point in our relationship (and by relationship I mean our friendship/roommate-ship/whatever) where we can continue to live together and do our own thing and have me be completely okay with it.  I don't know if a day like that will EVER come, but that would be absolutely perfect.

So really, it's a hard choice.  As far as facebook is concerned, my relationship status is blank.  Even though I am now open to flirting, I'm still hesitant, for whatever reason, to change it to "single".  I'm even more hesitant to put it out there that I am open to dating... however people even do that.  I am almost sure that I AM ready to, but I don't know.  Maybe I have to try a date or two first?

Anyone who's actually reading this... advice is greatly appreciated!