Been Awhile

It was brought to my attention last night that my blog has been pretty ignored since like... March.  So I figured maybe it's time for an update.

I'm still just as happy as I was back in that last post, which is fantastic.  I was worried that maybe the whole "being happy" thing was like a big glass roof... and one somewhat bad thing could happen at any moment and send the whole thing crashing down.  I still sort of feel like that could happen, but it hasn't yet... so maybe it just won't.  Whatever ends up happening, I'm not as worried about it as I was before... and I'm not in a place where I'm just waiting for something to happen.  My paranoia is still there, but it's becoming less and less every day.

Anyway...

Things with Aden are getting better.  We went to court after his dad served me with a new parenting order - he wanted all visits to be okayed with him, and all company during visits.  He was asking me for child support payments as well.  I'm 100% sure he just expected me to lie down and accept what he wanted, but I didn't do that - I got a lawyer.

When the issue went to court, I got surprised.  I fought back by asking for one day a week plus Sundays - for now - and to my surprise, his dad offered two days a week plus every other Sunday.  Essentially more hours than what I wanted.  So of course, I accepted.  My lawyer couldn't actually be there, and she sent another one instead, so we pushed the child support issue until July, when we're going back anyway.

I've been going to counselling (which is going very well) since last month, so my lawyer and I decided to revisit the parenting issue in July, when my counselling is well under way, and then I'll be fighting for overnight visits, etc.  I know his dad won't easily give that up, since he still thinks I'm a threat, for some stupid reason... but I'll fight hard for it.  And I'll go to counselling as long as I need to to ease his mind, even though my counsellor doesn't think I'll need more than 5 or 6 visits.  I don't care.  I'll keep going as long as HE thinks I need to, because I want my visits.  I want the visits I deserve.

And of course, Aden's dad is in a pissy mood again these days.  He had some girlfriend who, I guess, is nuts.  She was there when we went to court... and she was 18 weeks pregnant.  So I figured, she'd be there a good long time - and, something I do my best not to think about, I realized if she was 18 weeks along, she would've gotten pregnant during the time that I was living with Aden and his dad... so I had my doubts that the baby was even his.  But knowing Aden's dad, he wouldn't care... and would still do anything to keep this crazy girl around.  I guess their glass roof shattered and she left him - again.  So now, he's miserable.  And you can guarantee that if his misery is still present in July, he'll do anything he can to prevent me taking away more of his time with Aden.  Don't get me wrong... it's not about me giving him less time with Aden... it's just about me getting more.  Closer to equal - that's what I want.

And it's possible, now that Richard has his car!  He got a Dodge Journey about a month ago, and it's so awesome.  He's been taking me to Airdrie on my Sundays with Aden, and we even were able to take Aden to see Kung Fu Panda 2, which was awesome.  Oh... I forgot to mention that my visits have to be supervised by my parents right now... which sucks, but if it's a path to getting visits alone, it's fine for now.  They didn't come to the movie, and my sister came instead... which of course caused an issue with Aden's dad... but I don't care.  My parents may be on the parenting order papers, but we verbally agreed that my sisters would be fine too.  He's just more worried that it's not just Richard and I with him... even though Richard is 100% safe.  When that psycho girl (and her kid) were living with Aden and his dad, every time I saw Aden he had a new bite mark or bruise on his body from that kid - obviously shit like that doesn't happen when he's with us.  His dad has nothing to worry about... he's just paranoid.

Things are easier now that we have a vehicle.  I have yet to learn to drive, but it makes visits so much more easy.  I'm very happy with it.

It makes work easier too.

Last time I posted, I was just about to start work at Lowe's.

Well, that didn't last long.  I got very miserable very quickly.  I liked a few of the people I worked with (people that didn't work near me, but people that worked in the store), and I liked the hourly pay... but that was about it.  I hated getting up at 6 to work at 8:00 or 8:30.  I hated the bitchy head cashiers for delaying my breaks and making it feel like I was bad at my job after only two weeks.  I hated that my hours could go from anywhere to 15/week to 25/week.  I hated that they gave me shit for having to stay home for two days for having PINK EYE.  Overall, I just wasn't happy.

So before Richard got the car, he decided that we should call our old manager from Toys R Us, who had moved to a store in the city... and who had promised Richard a job if he ever needed it, when he quit the other store.  At first he was going to call and get himself a job, while I stuck it out at Lowe's... but he told me I'd have to find a full time job, so I figured I might as well ask our old manager if she had space for me too.

Well, lucky us, she hired us both.  I was, of course, worried about working at Toys R Us again together... given all the shit that went down at the last store, but we had a talk about it, and my mind is at ease.  Richard has promised not to add people on facebook or get any numbers and I've promised the same.  Work friends are just work friends and won't be anything more.... for us both... and so far, so good.  I'm really not too worried about it anyway, because a good majority of the people who work there think we're together anyway, no matter what I tell them!  There's even a lady who we used to work with at the old store who insists we're dating, no matter what I say to her.  Richard says just to let them think what they want... especially if they won't listen.  Oh well, right?

The new job is better than Lowe's.  There are only two people I don't like, and for the most part I like everyone else.  I'm making almost $2 less per hour, but I have more hours so it works out for the best.  Well... I'm supposed to have more hours... until they cut everyone's.  It's not so bad, though.  I'm sure they'll be back up before too long.  At least I hope so.

So, that's pretty much the update!

Just Some Thoughts

I know Richard and I can never be together again... and I have myself convinced that I don't want that anyway, but still, I can't help but wonder... why not just accept what's right in front of you?

I mean... we live together, so we're together every day. We hardly fight anymore (no more than an actual couple would) and things feel really great lately. When I first came back here, it was a temporary solution - I'd be moving out as soon as another option (ANY other option) became available.  That's now changed, and we're both planning on me being back here for awhile.  He'll sometimes get frustrated with me and put a time limit on here, but he's even said himself that that's only when he's frustrated, and he doesn't mean it - he actually wants me to stay for quite awhile.  Of course it's easier now that I'll be starting work - I got a job at Lowe's and my orientation is on Thursday.  It's just part-time for now, because I don't know how I'd cope with full-time again, but it will still make things a lot easier around here.  Richard quit Toys R Us right in the midst of money being tight, and that wouldn't make it any easier... but it was a choice he was okay with making because he knew I'd have money coming in before too long anyway.  So... we live together, we're happy, and we're even making financial plans together.  Isn't that something couples do?  He's looking to lease a vehicle, and he knows he couldn't do that if I wasn't going to keep living here and helping with money, when I have some coming in.  And of course I know that I'd be nothing without him financially too.  We tell each other we love each other, and we're already comfortable with each other... so really, why not just take advantage of what's right in front of us?  Whenever we meet new people (or even if we ran into old friends) they think we're together because of how comfortable we act with each other.

Honestly, I think if Richard just grew up and admitted that part of growing up is committing and giving up on flirting with every girl he encounters, he and I could be a couple. Most of the reason we can't is because of him.  I don't want to be with him the way he is... but if he ever changed, I'd want him back in a second.  We'd be able to avoid the whole...awkward dance of going out and meeting people and "testing the waters" and things like that.  I'm terrified of that. I feel like at the rate I'm going, I'll be 45 before I ever meet someone I even like a little more than the rest of the male population.  So I figure... why bother?  I already know someone who I know will be around forever anyway, and who I know all the good and bad things about, and who knows all the good and bad things about me... so really, what's the point in going out and attempting to track down something new?

I know it's extremely stupid, because I'm NOT in love with Richard that way anymore... but sometimes I wonder, why not just give in and be with your best friend?  Doesn't it just... make sense?

Anyway... that ridiculous thought aside..

I've been thinking a lot about babies lately too, which is also another stupid thing to think about.  I think the baby fever I had last year only subsided because I got "distracted" with my depression and everything.  And now that I'm starting to feel a lot happier overall, it's coming back to haunt me.  I thought it was gone for good... maybe I had gotten smart enough to realize that my life is FAR from good enough to bring another baby into it.  But I guess really the only thing stopping my brain from thinking a baby was a good idea was my depression.

I mean... things are finally heading upward now.

I finally got a job, and I intend on keeping it for a long time. Granted, I don't know yet how much I'll like it, because I haven't started yet, but this time, I'm going to keep job-hunting if I don't like it, so I can find another job BEFORE I end up leaving that one. It's definitely a much better plan than working until I hate my job so much that I get fired from it... and then being screwed for an average of 2 and a half months. No, if I end up hating this job, I'll replace it before I leave!

Things are much better with Richard and I too - we've cleared a lot of the muck from our lives. We've really cut off Carly and Luis altogether, and we've both realized that it was really them causing a lot of the frustration between us.  I had coffee with Carly the other day, and after spending about 2 hours with her just listening to her tell me all kinds of bullshit about Richard, I realized that she only wanted us to fight. I couldn't tell you why, but it was very obvious that day.  So things are over between the four of us now.  They can do/think whatever they want... it isn't going to affect us anymore.  And we've also learned that Toys R Us was causing a lot of tension too. The very day he quit, it seemed like the sun came out and the snow melted and everything was good.  It was amazing!  We've had one fight since, but other than that, things have just seemed... better.

I'm starting counselling soon too, which will help me a lot.  I haven't started yet and I've already started to realize more what I want out of life.  I think counselling will help me make my dreams become reality.  My goals are to work, and once I've got that down and I'm not stressed about it, I want to go back to school.  I'm very determined to do that now.  Even just for an admin. assistant job or something - something I know I can do.  I'm also trying to rediscover what I'm good at.  I've been playing piano again, and yesterday I busted out my sketch book and my charcoal and I made a picture.  It wasn't that great, but it felt amazing to do that again.  Since having Aden, I've forgotten all about the things that made me happy before, and now that he's three, I'm only just remembering them.  I don't want to forget those again.

And then of course there's Aden.  I'm still very sad that I don't have him with me every day, or even some days, but getting that to happen is in the very near future.  Once my counselling is done, I'm going to court to fix the plan his dad and I have now. I'm getting the short end of the stick right now, so once I'm better, I can fight that and get what I deserve.  And I deserve my son at least part of every week.  Not a shitty five minute phone call or a ten minute conversation on Skype once or twice a week.  Not meeting my stepmom and Aden at the mall for lunch for an hour every couple weeks.  No, I deserve sleepovers and breakfasts and trips to the zoo and actual parenthood.  I know that, and when I start to get better, I'm damn well going to get it.  Not only that, but once Richard gets his car (which should be as soon as May), he's agreed to pick up Aden sometimes.  I'll of course pay for the gas and I'll never make him do it if he doesn't want to... but that once in awhile will really help.  I plan on convincing him to teach me how to drive too, so once I'm okay with it, even I can drive to pick him up.  That'll be great.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah... babies.

It's not like I'm going to rush and start planning a baby (especially since I'm single), but I can definitely say for sure that IF it did happen, I wouldn't head back to the abortion clinic.  I'm convinced that I'm already on the road to being healthy... and so I'm back to my old ways of the delightful thing I call baby fever.

What a pointless post... enjoy!

February

To me, February now signifies change.  And I do not like it.  Change is overwhelming.  Change is scary.  And that's all February is to me now.  The entire month, I've been thinking "it's been a year since..." - I knew that remembering all those days would come back to haunt me.

It was early in February last year when Aden's dad and I broke up.  I don't remember the exact date of that one, but I know it was early in the month.  I don't miss being with Aden's dad, but obviously a lot has changed since then that I'm not exactly fond of.  I don't get to see Aden very often at all, I'm struggling with trying to find out who I am and what I want (and how to get there), and I just generally don't know anything about anything anymore.  I'm twenty two and I'm just now trying to figure out my life.  I always wanted to figure things out, before Aden's dad came along... but when he did, and then Aden came, I completely forgot about everything I wanted... and I'm just NOW trying to remember what those things were.

Then there's February fourteenth - Valentine's Day.  I've never been a fan of that day, because I've never had a boyfriend who cared in the least about it.  On that day last year, though, I had my first kiss with Richard.  It was the first time we saw each other after the break up with Aden's dad, and we took advantage of that.  That was one of the happiest days I had in a very long time, hands down.  Nothing was bad in my life yet - yeah, I had broken up with Aden's dad, but I was still seeing Aden every day.  I had a guy who loved me more than anyone ever had, it seemed, and I felt like nothing bad could happen.  When that day rolled around this year, it didn't remind me of the great guy I had and lost (at least as a boyfriend).  No, I didn't get sappy about that... it was more about the way things have changed since.  I realized how naive I was then... and how easily I trusted someone I clearly didn't know at all.  I was so stupid.  Of course things didn't change for awhile after that, but now I know I'll never have another Valentine's Day nearly as good as that one - hell, I'll never even have another semi-decent one.  Men are overrated.

And then comes February twenty seventh.  Normally I don't remember specific dates of stupid things, I should add - I only remember February fourteenth because it's Valentine's Day, and I remember February twenty seventh because I still have the train ticket from that day.  I've kept a lot of train tickets and movie stubs, either intentionally or because they get shoved in a pocket and forgotten about, and they've become sentimental mementos of the past.  Sometimes it sucks being a sentimental packrat!  Anyway - February twenty seventh... that was the first time I actually went home with Richard.  I guess I sort of consider it the start of our relationship, though the actual day that decision was made is foggy.  We spent that day after work making out in public, which normally grosses me out, but we were so ridiculously into each other than it couldn't be helped.  We made the decision to go home together, and it was not a regretted decision.  We hardly slept that night.  We stayed up watching movies and eating pizza, and we slept together for the first time - three times.  Even at the start, it was the most incredible sex I've ever had... and considering the amount of sex I've had, I seriously have my doubts that I'll ever have such an amazing lover again.  At least I was lucky enough to experience what I have though, right?  Anyway... enough about the sex.  That's not what this is about.  Again, of course, I miss how much things have changed since then.  I don't have the confidence in myself I did then - I've lost most of that.  I'm not trusting anymore - I don't trust Richard, and I want nothing to do with men.  I'm not open to a relationship, and I'm especially not open to falling "in love" - right now I'm in a mindset where I really don't think I ever will want that again.  This time last year, I felt INCREDIBLE.  I loved myself, I loved how Richard made me feel, and I felt like my life would never be bad again.  I felt like my search was over.  I had a lot of growing to do, and I knew that, but I honestly thought I had a mate for life.  I felt like THAT part of my life couldn't possibly go bad.  I can't believe how easily I trusted then... even after being lied to so much by others in the past.  I was so, so stupid.

And now?  In February 2011?  My heart's been broken, and stomped on, and like... shoved in a trash compactor multiple times.  The last year has been... incredible, unforgettable, frustrated, and awful all in one twelve-month time span.  I hate it, but I wouldn't change it, because I wouldn't have made any different choices - I know that much.  The only thing I wish could've been different is the changes in my relationship with the most important person in my life - my son.  I hate how little I've seen him in the last year (specifically the last six months or so).  I hate that I'm missing so much.  I hate that it's his birthday in nine days and I don't even know if I get to see him that day - hell, I hate that I can't even get him something for his birthday.

I also hate that I no longer have any faith in any person.  I am not open to meeting someone new because I don't want anything bad to happen ever again.  Just knowing that men can be so... cruel completely turns me off of ever "looking for love".  I already have a son... I don't need anything else from a man.  Jeez... and this time last year, I wanted another child, and I wanted to be with "the greatest guy ever" forever.  Now I don't want another child if it means commitment to a lying son-of-a-bitch, which is now what I feel all men are.

This time last year... I didn't hate myself.  I didn't feel depressed most of the time.  I didn't need medication or counselling and I never struggled to even get out of bed in the morning.

I hate February, and I hate change.

I Don't Want To

Right now, I'm a shut in.  Given everything that's going on, I just... don't want to have a social life.  I don't want to have to talk about what's going on, I don't want to have to tell people what's going on if they don't already know, and I don't want to hear their pointless suggestions on how to fix my problems.  I'm sure that makes me sound like a bitch, but really, no... right now, I don't want it.  Of the few friends who even know I'm depressed (and that's all they know), all I hear is pointless suggestions that I would love to appreciate but I really don't.  I mean... do they all think I haven't tried just being happy?  Or I haven't already tried distracting myself or finding something to do?  Of course I have!  Fine, thanks for the suggestion, but when you're as depressed as me, it doesn't work.  What advice would these friends offer if they knew everything else that was going on?  I don't even want to know.  So I avoid it.

Every single time I talk to one friend, he flirts, says he wants to hang out, we can get drunk, etc, etc.  Right now, I do not want to be flirted with, and I'm honestly on the verge of telling any guy who tries to shut up.  I don't want to hang out, for the reasons I said above, and well, I can't get drunk -- really, I can't.  Of course I feel bad for not seeing this friend, since he's not even here for that long because he works up north... but I just don't want to deal with a social life right now.  What am I supposed to say?

The only friend I want to see is the one I see every day.  He's the only one who knows everything that's going on, and he's the only one who doesn't offer useless advice or who could judge me.  This is why he's my best friend.  I can be around him with no pressure and without feeling like I have any secrets.  It's easy to hang out with him... it's not a chore like I feel like it could be with anybody else.  I don't have to watch my mouth... I don't have to be careful what I say.  Around anyone else, I'd have to be careful what I say, because they don't know something -- I could reference something they don't know about at any moment.  But here, it's not like that.  It's relaxing... not more added stress.

I want to just flip out and say, even in all caps: "I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT RIGHT NOW... STOP ASKING!!'' but then of course I'd lose more friends than I already have.  I may not have the desire to see any friends right now, but I don't want to lose them altogether.  I have no idea how I'm supposed to go about fixing this issue.  If I say I don't want to hang out for awhile, they'll ask why, and then what?  I give the depression excuse and then it's, "Hang out with me, I'll make you feel better."  Well no, you won't, actually.  If I thought that would help, I would do it!  I can't really explain beyond that without being judged, and that's the last thing I want.  I know, I shouldn't care what people think... but really, no one wants to be judged by their friends... especially for things you're going through.

Ugh... sometimes it'd be nice if there were more people in my life who I knew I could talk to and feel comfortable around.  Being a shut-in is so sad.

Rock Bottom - Happy New Year

I feel like I've hit rock bottom.  There are a lot of reasons, and I really don't feel like talking about them all AGAIN, so I'll just mention the basic points:

• I'm pregnant again, and I'm getting an abortion.  I feel like I'm not stable enough mentally -- not even close -- to handle nine months of pregnancy AND the agonizing months that follow, and the hellish hormones that go along with them.  It was a tough choice to make, but it was one I had to make.  I feel like it's my only option, and so far, no one's really disagreed.  I am sure I'll regret it somewhat after, for how long I don't know, but that's something I will have to deal with.  I think regretting having an abortion will be easier to cope with than if I had the baby and regretted that.
• Aden's dad kicked me out.  It's a very long story, and I DO NOT want to get into the details, but the result is bad enough, I think.  So now I don't get to see Aden and I can't talk to him at all (even when he's at my dad's, just because of circumstances) until like... Thursday, and then after that, we'll see.  It's killing me being away from him again.
• I'm losing my job -- yeah, the one I JUST got.  I expected it, because I've been missing so many shifts due to being depressed and having morning sickness.  And aside from that, I was only hired on as seasonal with the possibility of being kept on, so it was easy for them to drop me.  But still, it's kind of just one more thing on top of everything else.

So that's basically it.  And this is on top of the already exsisting depression I'm dealing with, and so many other things.  I'm stuck back at Richard's for now, which is really alright, because he's the only one in my real life who knows EVERYTHING that's going on, even if he doesn't always want to talk about it.  He's the only one who's here for me without criticising me, and that's what I need.

My family all claims they're here for me... but their support always comes with critisicm.  I know that they probably know more about how I feel than anybody else, but they way they talk to me, I still feel like they don't know.  They think they're helping when they talk to me, but they aren't.  They only want answers, which I don't have, and they only want to know what I'm doing next, which I also do not know.  They keep offering "helpful advice", but I just don't see it that way.  I have to start feeling better before I can do anything else, I think.

And then there are my "friends".  I would LOVE to be able to talk to them about everything... tell them about being kicked out, about losing my job, and especially about the pregnancy/abortion, but I can't.  Carly has judged everything I have ever done, and she takes it personally when I make a mistake -- even one that doesn't affect her in the least.  So to tell her all of those things, she would tear me a new one -- and of course, she would take it to heart, as if every choice I have made was to spite her.  She invited Richard, and then me, over for New Years Eve, and then got extremely upset when I chose not to go -- and I chose not to go so I could avoid doing/saying something to upset her.  I did what I thought was the better choice, and then got burned for it.  In the end, Richard came home and decided he doesn't need her, because she attacked him for still being my friend and for taking me in!  What I need now more than ever is friends like Richard, but I guess she doesn't understand that some people are like him -- understanding.  I suppose maybe she wants me to be alone, so I can't hurt anyone with my choices.  Granted, I have made some selfish choices, but I did not make them to spite ANYONE -- she is being selfish by acting as though my bad choices WERE made to spite her, and then hating me for it.

But that is fine.  I'm not about to put all of my focus into winning her back when I have so many other things to focus on.  If she doesn't think I need her, then I don't.  I have one understanding and forgiving friend -- I don't need one who pretends to be.


So basically, I'm starting 2011 in a deep, dark hole, and I don't know how to climb out.

I have a job interview tomorrow, but I'm nervous for so many reasons.  I'm nervous that I won't deal well with working, when my last job went so well.  I think I will ask for part-time, with the possibility of moving up to full-time later on or something... and we'll see what happens.  I need a job that's flexible, for when emergencies come up, and things like that.

Ugh... well, happy new year anyway.

To Date or Not To Date

Suddenly, I have had a bit of a... change occur.  It kind of came out of the blue, but I definitely noticed it.  I realized that I'm not as pathetically in love with Richard as I thought I was.  I don't know when that went away, but at some point, it did... and I am really quite relieved.  Obviously there are still lingering feelings, particularly when other women in his life are mentioned, but it is not the obsessive can't-stop-thinking-about-him feeling that I had before.  And like I said... it's a relief.  At least, for the most part.

Something that I've noticed that came hand-in-hand with that is a change in myself as well.  Up until very recently, I didn't really like when other guys flirted with me.  It was a rarity, and usually over facebook or text, with a specific handful who had my number... but however it took place, I didn't like it.  I didn't know how to react or respond, and I would try to just ignore it.  Being asked out on a date was even worse -- I did not want to date AT ALL.  Not in the least.

Now?  I'm thinking maaaaaybe that's changed.  Sort of out of the blue, I started accepting the flirting a little more.  I gave my number to a couple of those guys who were previously just facebook friends.  I let a couple guys back in my life who I had stopped talking to because of flirting.  And I started a new job last week where I'm working with four guys, who I have noticed are pretty nice guys.

And you know what?  I'm flirting back.  The last time I flirted with somebody, it was Richard.  I'm obviously not flirting with these guys to the extent that I was flirting with him, since even at the time he was a very special person to me... but still, I am flirting.  And it feels good.  It feels good that guys want to talk to me like that, and that I'm comfortable enough to do it back.  It might not be really obvious, over-the-top flirting, but in my own way, it is indeed flirting.  One of the guys from work actually wanted to add ME on facebook.  Usually it's me being the creeper and trying to hunt people down on facebook... but yesterday at work he actually asked me if he could add me.  Cute right?  So cute.

So this makes me wonder... could I be ready to date?  Up until the flirting started to be okay, I was very much against dating.  I didn't want to be with anyone but Richard, and I didn't want to go on a date with someone when I knew I didn't want it to go any further.  But now I'm thinking maybe it could be okay.  Nothing serious, of course, just casual dating.  And I sure as hell won't be sleeping with anybody... JUST dating.  That is something I have never done before, and I think I would really enjoy that.  Casual dating... do people even do that anymore?  Well, doesn't matter... I am seriously considering doing it.  I don't see myself getting into a relationship with anybody anytime soon, but hey, there's no harm in a date here and there right?

There's a big part of me, though, that doesn't want to... partly because of Richard, and partly because I'm scared.  I don't want to get attached to anybody and I don't want to get hurt again.  Wow... I never thought of myself as fragile before... but I guess that was back before I ever had my heart broken.  I guess it's pretty normal that I have changed in that sense.  And then obviously there's my... emotional issues.  I wouldn't want that to get in the way of me dating somebody.  I have jealousy issues when it comes to Richard... so maybe if I go and date that would make it worse.  And maybe if I start dating, Richard will think it's okay for him to do the same (even though he tells me he has no interest in it at all) and I will lose it again.  I don't want that to happen.  But I know it would, and I wouldn't be able to stop it.

It would probably be easier once I move out, but then again... maybe not.  Then I'd always be wondering what he was doing.  What I would LOVE is for us to be at a point in our relationship (and by relationship I mean our friendship/roommate-ship/whatever) where we can continue to live together and do our own thing and have me be completely okay with it.  I don't know if a day like that will EVER come, but that would be absolutely perfect.

So really, it's a hard choice.  As far as facebook is concerned, my relationship status is blank.  Even though I am now open to flirting, I'm still hesitant, for whatever reason, to change it to "single".  I'm even more hesitant to put it out there that I am open to dating... however people even do that.  I am almost sure that I AM ready to, but I don't know.  Maybe I have to try a date or two first?

Anyone who's actually reading this... advice is greatly appreciated!

My Best Friend

A year ago this month, I met the man who is now so many things to me.  I don't remember the first time I ever saw him and I don't remember what day it was, because I never thought he would ever be one of the most important people in my life.  The first memory I have of him is the first time we actually had a conversation.

It was near the end of the night at work and my job was to clean the girls' bathroom.  He was cleaning the boys' bathroom and I knew it was his first time doing it, or one of them anyway.  I don't know what prompted me to do it, but I went into the boys' bathroom to take the garbage once I was done in my bathroom... just to be nice.  I think maybe I had been bringing him my mop as well, but I'm not sure.  We started talking in the short time I was in there with him.  I thought he was nice and cute, and I would find out later that he thought I was hot... that was why he actually wanted to talk to me.  I don't remember how exactly the conversation started, but I do remember mentioning having a son, and I remember his reaction to it.  "Shut up," he had said, and I can still hear him saying that.  And then the conversation went as most conversations did after people found out I have a child.  They ask how old I am, I tell them, and then it's "oh!" because I don't look that old.  Our conversation was very similar to that.  He told me later that he would've started flirting with me, but he figured it'd be a no-no.  At that time, it probably would've been.

We didn't become friends that quickly after that really.  We added each other on facebook and would have casual conversations at work, but it took a long time for it to go beyond that.  We didn't bond until maybe November when we made more mutual friends, we'll say... and it wasn't until December that we started talking a lot on facebook.  Even then, I had a crush on him, but I couldn't admit that to anyone -- not myself, not him, and certainly not anyone else.  I was off the market.  Unhappy, but off the market nonetheless.  Once we started talking more, that's when the flirting started.  I remember it catching me really off guard when he told me he I was cute, or hot, or whatever he had said first.  I was not used to compliments and I never knew how to handle them.  Usually I'd brush it off, but from him, I accepted it.

As I learned more about him and grew to like him, I drifted more and more from the relationship that was holding me back.  I fell fast and hard for him... faster than I ever had before.  And I think we know how the story pans out after that, for the most part.

2010, of course, had been a whirlwind for me, thanks to him.  January was the start of the best thing ever, February was when our relationship really began, from March to June I was in the best relationship I had ever been in, and then he broke my heart.  When I thought I was going to lose him forever, I realized that he was more than just the greatest boyfriend I had ever had -- somewhere along that line, he became my best friend too.  I maybe could have walked away and gotten over someone who had broken my heart and left it at that, but I couldn't walk away from the man who had become so much more than that to me.

In the time that followed, I struggled with not being able to be with the guy I'm so in love with.  But even though it hurt to see him and not being able to be his girlfriend, I still couldn't forget about my best friend.  We moved out in July, as we'd been planning for months, even though it wasn't going to be quite how I wanted.  Since then, things have gone way downhill it seems, with everything.  I got very depressed because he decided Aden wasn't allowed here, I lost my job, I fractured my hand... everything just seemed to be getting worse and worse.

Things seem pretty bad a lot of the time, and I'm constantly hearing (from several people and myself) that I'm stupid and I have made so many mistakes, but things really don't feel as bad as they seem.  And it's because I'm with Richard, my best friend.  He may cause a lot of the problems sometimes, but all in all, it feels a lot better to have him with me than it would to not.  He doesn't understand what I'm dealing with, and he thinks all my sadness is all in my head and I can control it... but I know I would only feel worse if I wasn't near him.

It's been one hell of a year but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I got the greatest best friend out of it.