My Best Friend

A year ago this month, I met the man who is now so many things to me.  I don't remember the first time I ever saw him and I don't remember what day it was, because I never thought he would ever be one of the most important people in my life.  The first memory I have of him is the first time we actually had a conversation.

It was near the end of the night at work and my job was to clean the girls' bathroom.  He was cleaning the boys' bathroom and I knew it was his first time doing it, or one of them anyway.  I don't know what prompted me to do it, but I went into the boys' bathroom to take the garbage once I was done in my bathroom... just to be nice.  I think maybe I had been bringing him my mop as well, but I'm not sure.  We started talking in the short time I was in there with him.  I thought he was nice and cute, and I would find out later that he thought I was hot... that was why he actually wanted to talk to me.  I don't remember how exactly the conversation started, but I do remember mentioning having a son, and I remember his reaction to it.  "Shut up," he had said, and I can still hear him saying that.  And then the conversation went as most conversations did after people found out I have a child.  They ask how old I am, I tell them, and then it's "oh!" because I don't look that old.  Our conversation was very similar to that.  He told me later that he would've started flirting with me, but he figured it'd be a no-no.  At that time, it probably would've been.

We didn't become friends that quickly after that really.  We added each other on facebook and would have casual conversations at work, but it took a long time for it to go beyond that.  We didn't bond until maybe November when we made more mutual friends, we'll say... and it wasn't until December that we started talking a lot on facebook.  Even then, I had a crush on him, but I couldn't admit that to anyone -- not myself, not him, and certainly not anyone else.  I was off the market.  Unhappy, but off the market nonetheless.  Once we started talking more, that's when the flirting started.  I remember it catching me really off guard when he told me he I was cute, or hot, or whatever he had said first.  I was not used to compliments and I never knew how to handle them.  Usually I'd brush it off, but from him, I accepted it.

As I learned more about him and grew to like him, I drifted more and more from the relationship that was holding me back.  I fell fast and hard for him... faster than I ever had before.  And I think we know how the story pans out after that, for the most part.

2010, of course, had been a whirlwind for me, thanks to him.  January was the start of the best thing ever, February was when our relationship really began, from March to June I was in the best relationship I had ever been in, and then he broke my heart.  When I thought I was going to lose him forever, I realized that he was more than just the greatest boyfriend I had ever had -- somewhere along that line, he became my best friend too.  I maybe could have walked away and gotten over someone who had broken my heart and left it at that, but I couldn't walk away from the man who had become so much more than that to me.

In the time that followed, I struggled with not being able to be with the guy I'm so in love with.  But even though it hurt to see him and not being able to be his girlfriend, I still couldn't forget about my best friend.  We moved out in July, as we'd been planning for months, even though it wasn't going to be quite how I wanted.  Since then, things have gone way downhill it seems, with everything.  I got very depressed because he decided Aden wasn't allowed here, I lost my job, I fractured my hand... everything just seemed to be getting worse and worse.

Things seem pretty bad a lot of the time, and I'm constantly hearing (from several people and myself) that I'm stupid and I have made so many mistakes, but things really don't feel as bad as they seem.  And it's because I'm with Richard, my best friend.  He may cause a lot of the problems sometimes, but all in all, it feels a lot better to have him with me than it would to not.  He doesn't understand what I'm dealing with, and he thinks all my sadness is all in my head and I can control it... but I know I would only feel worse if I wasn't near him.

It's been one hell of a year but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I got the greatest best friend out of it.

Turning Twenty Two

It's October 1st today, which means my birthday is in 30 days.  In 30 days, I am going to be older.  In 30 days, I will be 22.  Still 30 days and that fact is already starting to get to me.  I never believed it when people said that when you get older birthdays are less... awesome, because I have always LOVED my birthday.  I don't even really know why, because I haven't had that many birthdays that stand out in my mind as amazing... I guess I just really enjoy that day.  I count down to it, I look forward to it... it's the best day of the year!

But starting yesterday, I started to really think about it.  I am going to be 22 this year.  I have turned 18, I have turned 21... and now, nothing.  Just 22.  It wouldn't be so bad if I FELT 22, but I definitely don't.  21, maybe, but not 22.  When you're 22, you should be maybe graduated from college, or at least on your way to it.  You should be ... at least mostly sure of what you want to do with your life.  You should have a few years of working under your belt, at least.  You should be paying rent and bills and squeezing your way through life financially.  You should be enjoying yourself and just living life before you have to find a man and settle down and have kids.

22 for me is going to feel like a failure.  I have never considered college until recently, and I can't even afford to apply.  I have no clue what to do with my life, and I never have.  In total, I have maybe 2 years of working under my belt.  I have had 4 jobs since I was 16.  That might be impressive if each of those jobs lasted around a year, but that is not the case.  It was about 2 months on, a year off... 6 months on, 18 months off... 4 months on, 10 months off... a year on, and so far, 2 months off -- NOT impressive.  I should be working a "real" job, not looking for a job a fucking 16 year old can do.  I have contributed to rent ONCE in the two and a half months since we moved here, and I haven't been able to pay my phone bill since I got fired.  If it weren't for Richard, I wouldn't be squeezing through at all.  Not even slightly.  I cry almost every day, at least a little bit, and I can't make myself enjoy things the way I should.  I have found a man but I can't have him, and he's all I can think about like I'm a damn teenager with a crush.  I cannot settle down until all the other steps are completed -- steps I have not even started.  And I already have a child... I just suck at being his mother.

And that's just the start of it all.  I have a feeling the next month is going to be terrible for me.  It's going to feel like the countdown to the end.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ... BOOM!!  FAILURE!!!

Meds and Turkey

Well, I have officially made one of the most grown-up (in other words, scary) decisions I have made my entire life: I started on anti-depressants.  I'm on a one-month trial of it, and I'm two days in.  There are only a few people that know about it, but I'm sure the people who don't would be very pleased to know that I am taking their advice.

Obviously they won't have a very noticeable affect on me for awhile (3 to 4 weeks, they said), but I'm really hoping it goes well.  Yesterday surprised me a little though.  I decided to lay down for awhile, after a night of bad sleep, and I ended up passing out for almost three hours.  That's pretty insane, considering the longest I ever usually nap is an hour, not even.  And then of course I got a shitty sleep last night, thanks to all the sleeping from the day before.


Anyway, that said, I need some advice from whoever reads this!

I am thinking of doing my very first Thanksgiving this year.  It's getting to be a little late to think about it, since Thansgiving is like... three weeks away, but I guess that's still enough time, considering it'd probably just be Richard and I, so I wouldn't have to make a whole ton of food.

So here's what I need advice on: How hard is it to do a turkey dinner for the first time?  I'm just thinking a small turkey (considering there'd just be two of us), mashed potatoes (we're talkin' from a box), stuffing (again, from a box), some veggies (frozen, of course), and pie (probably store-bought, even though I am very anti-store bought pie). So does it sound do-able?

I know comments aren't working on here for some reason... but given that most of you who actually read this are my friends elsewhere, your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Canada Arts Connect

In an attempt to win tickets to Cirque du Soleil's Kooza, I am writing about this awesome website!  I had never heard of this website prior to my hunt for Kooza tickets, but I'm definitely gonna search around on it now that I've come across it.  After all, I am a fan of the arts!

Wish me luck!  I'd love these tickets and I'd love to take Richard to the show as a late birthday gift!

A Little Update

So I got my hand fixed.  Two pins in my fifth metacarpal on my right hand, and everything down to my elbow in a cast until October fourth.  Yes, I probably could've blogged about this sooner, but as it's my right hand that's hurt, I held off.  I probably won't be blogging much in the next 22 days until the cast is off (yes, I'm counting).  I'm actually getting pretty good at typing with just my left hand... it just gets uncomfortable doing it for a long time.

So given that my right hand is no good for awhile yet, my job hunt is on hold.  I applied at between 10 and 15 places before the drama went down, and never heard back from any of them... so an unsuccessful hunt remains unsuccessful.

And like I feared after everything happened, Aden's dad is VERY hesitant to let me be around much until I get "help".  He thinks I actually need to go stay in a hospital in order to be healthy.  No, I don't think I can go without help at this point... I'm actually going to my doctor on Tuesday to talk to him about the possibility of anti-depressants -- something I've avoided for years.  I know things aren't going to get any better for me if I don't at least talk to someone about everything.  Trying to control things myself only got me a fractured hand.

As for my friends, things are actually okay.  After all the not-so-nice words that were exchanged, it turns out Carly and Luis weren't quite ready to forget about us and our friendship.  So the friendships worth saving were saved, and the ones that were easy to erase were erased.  Now, things are much more okay around here.

Of course Richard still thinks I should move, but he knows I can't until I'm working, and he knows I can't work until my cast comes off, so he's not trying to force me out before I'm ready.  I love it here, more than anywhere, but if it's in our best interest that I leave, I will.

My life constantly seems like earthquake after earthquake... and I'm just looking forward to the day all that slows down a little bit and things can be a little more stable for me.  I don't see that anytime soon, but I know I'll get there eventually.

Long Story Short...

I have one hell of a story to tell you all... but I can't type all that well right now, so I'll have to make it short and sweet.  Well... minus the sweetness.

On Sunday, Aden and I went to stay at Carly and Luis' house for a little while.  It was Carly's idea and it was extremely sweet of them to let us stay.

But of course, I screwed up.

I started to really go crazy on Monday night.  Aden was, well, being two, and I started feeling stuck, like I do when I'm forced to stay at my dad's house.  Richard was ignoring my texts and I felt like he was the only one I could talk to about it.

Finally Aden got tired, around 8:30, and we went to go have some quiet time in the guest room.  I realized I had no clothes to wear the next day, so I asked Luis if he could take us to my house so I could get something.

The evening got extremely sour from there.  We pulled up to our apartment and I thought I recogized my biggest enemy's car in the parking lot.  I left Aden in the car with Luis (the plan all along) and dashed upstairs.  I opened the door and sure enough, the slut's shoes were there.  I burst in and punched her in the head, screaming at her to get out.  Richard followed her out and I called Aden's dad to come and get him because I was pretty sure I'd broken my hand.  I told him what I did and he was on his way.

I was terrified then, that I'd never get to see my son again after his dad came... that I'd surely be kicked out of the apartment... that I was bound to lose every single one of my friends.  The four of us (me, Luis, Richard and Aden) sat in the hallway looking out the big window that's there so we could see Aden's dad.  I apologized to Luis several times and hugged and kissed Aden a thousand times.  I was crying the whole time and Aden kept asking what was wrong and wiping the tears off my face.  It broke my heart.

His dad came to get him and I brought him down.  His dad wanted more than anything to come up and hit Richard, but I assured him it was all my fault -- nothing to do with him.

Luis left after that, and Richard and I went back to the apartment.  It was getting late but the night wasn't over.  There was a lot of yelling left to happen after that.

We very quickly realized, though, that for some reason, people weren't blaming me entirely for what happened.  People started getting mad at Richard and blaming him -- Carly, slut-face, slut-face's mom -- they were calling and threatening him.  Carly and Luis weren't even mad at me, and now... now they don't even want to be Richard's friends.  It's not fair to him at all.  Yes, it was a situation that couldn't have happened if it weren't for him... but I'm still the only one to blame.

After a lot of him hating me and me dreading being kicked out, he realized something: all he has now is me.  He lost three of his friends that day (his friend Laura also decided to end their friendship that day, due to an unrelated incident), he lost slut-face, and he decided he should probably quit Toys R Us too.  He knows I'm not going to leave his life unless he wants me to... and he realized that after losing all that, he hasn't lost me.

So at the end of the night, I still have a place to live, I still have a best friend, Richard still loves me (even though he should hate me), and we still get to be happy.  Things have come out in the open and maybe things are even better here than they were before.  I don't know when I get to see Aden now, because I can't have him alone anymore (a choice his dad made that I respect), but perhaps a break will be good.


Now... YESTERDAY... oh what a day.

We went to my doctor (Richard came with me) in an emergency situation... otherwise it would've been like a three month wait.  They looked at my hand and decided it wasn't too bad -- it was swollen and my palm was bruised -- but they'd send me for an x-ray anyway.  So I went for the x-ray and then back to the doctor.  To everyone's surprise, I had a pretty bad fracture.  It's called a boxer's fracture.  There's a very obvious split down from my pinky.

So the doctor sent me to the emergency room where we waited for 2 hours.  Finally they called my name and looked at my hand.  They wrapped it up and gave me the number for a plastic surgeon who I was to call at 9 this morning.  They told me he'd have to put a pin in my hand to stop the bone from sliding.  In a more severe situation like mine, a cast just won't do it.

Don't worry though... I'm quite sure my hands hurts a lot more than that bitch's head.  I'm quite sure I just suck at punching.  No one will know for sure, cause there's no way in hell I'm asking and Richard's not either.

I'm headed back to the hospital at 11:30 today, to meet the doctor in MINOR effing SURGERY.  I'm terrified and I'd love more than anything for Richard to come with me... but he went back to work today.  I can handle it alone, but... some company would be nice.

Goodbye Comfort

The last bit of comfort in my life has officially come to a close.  Work let me go.  The one manager called me yesterday to break the news.  She said if it was up to her, she wouldn't have done it ... but it was a decision all the managers had to make together.  All of my friends still working there are a bit surprised, and I've got to say, I'm a bit surprised myself.  It's one of those places where they don't fire you unless they HAVE to ... like if you hardly ever come to work, or you're always late or things like that.  Aside from my numbers (which was the only real reason they could give me) I was good at my job.  I was one of the fastest cashiers there, and I got along well with mostly everyone.  Most of the people who've been fired in the past have been people that no one particularly liked and there was always more than one reason to let them go -- with me, it doesn't make much sense to anyone.

I don't really have any hard feelings though -- I was more than ready to let it go.  Granted, I would've much rather had another job set up to make the transition easier ... but if it's got to happen this way, I just have to accept it.  I understand their BS reason why they had to let me go, and I mean ... I was preparing to quit anyway, as soon as I had another job set up, so I really can't make myself have hard feelings about it.  Richard is making it easier to deal with too.  He got this apartment because it was something he could afford by himself ... so he really doesn't need my paycheck to pay rent too.  At first I felt terrible for getting fired before I found something else ... because if I live here, I should contribute even if he can handle it alone.  But he came up with a solution which makes me feel a little better: I'm paying bills with this last decent paycheck I got today (the last decent one for who knows how long) and Richard is going to take care of rent.  After that, hopefully we can stay comfortable and full until I find something else.

And speaking of finding something else, I decided I'm gonna go downtown to all the awesome stores down there and apply.  I was down there yesterday having lunch with Richard and shopping with my friend and I saw a lot of places with NOW HIRING signs in their windows.  At first I was thinking that would be too far away to work, but then I thought about it, and it's really not.  I live a 5-minute walk from the train station, and downtown is only five or six stops away.  I can get there in about 10 or 15 minutes -- it's totally doable.  I could have lunch with Richard, I could have lunch with Carly once her school starts up again, and when I get into college, that's right downtown too, and I could go right to work from school if I needed to!  I think it's totally a wise choice to make.  So some day next week, I'm going to go meet Richard for lunch again and then I'll spend the afternoon handing out resumes.

I'm optimistic here -- it won't be so bad.  I can find something before too long, I think.  It'll be easy, now that I'm living in the city.  I probably would've panicked if this had happened before I moved, but now, it's really not so bad.