Meds and Turkey

Well, I have officially made one of the most grown-up (in other words, scary) decisions I have made my entire life: I started on anti-depressants.  I'm on a one-month trial of it, and I'm two days in.  There are only a few people that know about it, but I'm sure the people who don't would be very pleased to know that I am taking their advice.

Obviously they won't have a very noticeable affect on me for awhile (3 to 4 weeks, they said), but I'm really hoping it goes well.  Yesterday surprised me a little though.  I decided to lay down for awhile, after a night of bad sleep, and I ended up passing out for almost three hours.  That's pretty insane, considering the longest I ever usually nap is an hour, not even.  And then of course I got a shitty sleep last night, thanks to all the sleeping from the day before.


Anyway, that said, I need some advice from whoever reads this!

I am thinking of doing my very first Thanksgiving this year.  It's getting to be a little late to think about it, since Thansgiving is like... three weeks away, but I guess that's still enough time, considering it'd probably just be Richard and I, so I wouldn't have to make a whole ton of food.

So here's what I need advice on: How hard is it to do a turkey dinner for the first time?  I'm just thinking a small turkey (considering there'd just be two of us), mashed potatoes (we're talkin' from a box), stuffing (again, from a box), some veggies (frozen, of course), and pie (probably store-bought, even though I am very anti-store bought pie). So does it sound do-able?

I know comments aren't working on here for some reason... but given that most of you who actually read this are my friends elsewhere, your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Canada Arts Connect

In an attempt to win tickets to Cirque du Soleil's Kooza, I am writing about this awesome website!  I had never heard of this website prior to my hunt for Kooza tickets, but I'm definitely gonna search around on it now that I've come across it.  After all, I am a fan of the arts!

Wish me luck!  I'd love these tickets and I'd love to take Richard to the show as a late birthday gift!

A Little Update

So I got my hand fixed.  Two pins in my fifth metacarpal on my right hand, and everything down to my elbow in a cast until October fourth.  Yes, I probably could've blogged about this sooner, but as it's my right hand that's hurt, I held off.  I probably won't be blogging much in the next 22 days until the cast is off (yes, I'm counting).  I'm actually getting pretty good at typing with just my left hand... it just gets uncomfortable doing it for a long time.

So given that my right hand is no good for awhile yet, my job hunt is on hold.  I applied at between 10 and 15 places before the drama went down, and never heard back from any of them... so an unsuccessful hunt remains unsuccessful.

And like I feared after everything happened, Aden's dad is VERY hesitant to let me be around much until I get "help".  He thinks I actually need to go stay in a hospital in order to be healthy.  No, I don't think I can go without help at this point... I'm actually going to my doctor on Tuesday to talk to him about the possibility of anti-depressants -- something I've avoided for years.  I know things aren't going to get any better for me if I don't at least talk to someone about everything.  Trying to control things myself only got me a fractured hand.

As for my friends, things are actually okay.  After all the not-so-nice words that were exchanged, it turns out Carly and Luis weren't quite ready to forget about us and our friendship.  So the friendships worth saving were saved, and the ones that were easy to erase were erased.  Now, things are much more okay around here.

Of course Richard still thinks I should move, but he knows I can't until I'm working, and he knows I can't work until my cast comes off, so he's not trying to force me out before I'm ready.  I love it here, more than anywhere, but if it's in our best interest that I leave, I will.

My life constantly seems like earthquake after earthquake... and I'm just looking forward to the day all that slows down a little bit and things can be a little more stable for me.  I don't see that anytime soon, but I know I'll get there eventually.

Long Story Short...

I have one hell of a story to tell you all... but I can't type all that well right now, so I'll have to make it short and sweet.  Well... minus the sweetness.

On Sunday, Aden and I went to stay at Carly and Luis' house for a little while.  It was Carly's idea and it was extremely sweet of them to let us stay.

But of course, I screwed up.

I started to really go crazy on Monday night.  Aden was, well, being two, and I started feeling stuck, like I do when I'm forced to stay at my dad's house.  Richard was ignoring my texts and I felt like he was the only one I could talk to about it.

Finally Aden got tired, around 8:30, and we went to go have some quiet time in the guest room.  I realized I had no clothes to wear the next day, so I asked Luis if he could take us to my house so I could get something.

The evening got extremely sour from there.  We pulled up to our apartment and I thought I recogized my biggest enemy's car in the parking lot.  I left Aden in the car with Luis (the plan all along) and dashed upstairs.  I opened the door and sure enough, the slut's shoes were there.  I burst in and punched her in the head, screaming at her to get out.  Richard followed her out and I called Aden's dad to come and get him because I was pretty sure I'd broken my hand.  I told him what I did and he was on his way.

I was terrified then, that I'd never get to see my son again after his dad came... that I'd surely be kicked out of the apartment... that I was bound to lose every single one of my friends.  The four of us (me, Luis, Richard and Aden) sat in the hallway looking out the big window that's there so we could see Aden's dad.  I apologized to Luis several times and hugged and kissed Aden a thousand times.  I was crying the whole time and Aden kept asking what was wrong and wiping the tears off my face.  It broke my heart.

His dad came to get him and I brought him down.  His dad wanted more than anything to come up and hit Richard, but I assured him it was all my fault -- nothing to do with him.

Luis left after that, and Richard and I went back to the apartment.  It was getting late but the night wasn't over.  There was a lot of yelling left to happen after that.

We very quickly realized, though, that for some reason, people weren't blaming me entirely for what happened.  People started getting mad at Richard and blaming him -- Carly, slut-face, slut-face's mom -- they were calling and threatening him.  Carly and Luis weren't even mad at me, and now... now they don't even want to be Richard's friends.  It's not fair to him at all.  Yes, it was a situation that couldn't have happened if it weren't for him... but I'm still the only one to blame.

After a lot of him hating me and me dreading being kicked out, he realized something: all he has now is me.  He lost three of his friends that day (his friend Laura also decided to end their friendship that day, due to an unrelated incident), he lost slut-face, and he decided he should probably quit Toys R Us too.  He knows I'm not going to leave his life unless he wants me to... and he realized that after losing all that, he hasn't lost me.

So at the end of the night, I still have a place to live, I still have a best friend, Richard still loves me (even though he should hate me), and we still get to be happy.  Things have come out in the open and maybe things are even better here than they were before.  I don't know when I get to see Aden now, because I can't have him alone anymore (a choice his dad made that I respect), but perhaps a break will be good.


Now... YESTERDAY... oh what a day.

We went to my doctor (Richard came with me) in an emergency situation... otherwise it would've been like a three month wait.  They looked at my hand and decided it wasn't too bad -- it was swollen and my palm was bruised -- but they'd send me for an x-ray anyway.  So I went for the x-ray and then back to the doctor.  To everyone's surprise, I had a pretty bad fracture.  It's called a boxer's fracture.  There's a very obvious split down from my pinky.

So the doctor sent me to the emergency room where we waited for 2 hours.  Finally they called my name and looked at my hand.  They wrapped it up and gave me the number for a plastic surgeon who I was to call at 9 this morning.  They told me he'd have to put a pin in my hand to stop the bone from sliding.  In a more severe situation like mine, a cast just won't do it.

Don't worry though... I'm quite sure my hands hurts a lot more than that bitch's head.  I'm quite sure I just suck at punching.  No one will know for sure, cause there's no way in hell I'm asking and Richard's not either.

I'm headed back to the hospital at 11:30 today, to meet the doctor in MINOR effing SURGERY.  I'm terrified and I'd love more than anything for Richard to come with me... but he went back to work today.  I can handle it alone, but... some company would be nice.

Goodbye Comfort

The last bit of comfort in my life has officially come to a close.  Work let me go.  The one manager called me yesterday to break the news.  She said if it was up to her, she wouldn't have done it ... but it was a decision all the managers had to make together.  All of my friends still working there are a bit surprised, and I've got to say, I'm a bit surprised myself.  It's one of those places where they don't fire you unless they HAVE to ... like if you hardly ever come to work, or you're always late or things like that.  Aside from my numbers (which was the only real reason they could give me) I was good at my job.  I was one of the fastest cashiers there, and I got along well with mostly everyone.  Most of the people who've been fired in the past have been people that no one particularly liked and there was always more than one reason to let them go -- with me, it doesn't make much sense to anyone.

I don't really have any hard feelings though -- I was more than ready to let it go.  Granted, I would've much rather had another job set up to make the transition easier ... but if it's got to happen this way, I just have to accept it.  I understand their BS reason why they had to let me go, and I mean ... I was preparing to quit anyway, as soon as I had another job set up, so I really can't make myself have hard feelings about it.  Richard is making it easier to deal with too.  He got this apartment because it was something he could afford by himself ... so he really doesn't need my paycheck to pay rent too.  At first I felt terrible for getting fired before I found something else ... because if I live here, I should contribute even if he can handle it alone.  But he came up with a solution which makes me feel a little better: I'm paying bills with this last decent paycheck I got today (the last decent one for who knows how long) and Richard is going to take care of rent.  After that, hopefully we can stay comfortable and full until I find something else.

And speaking of finding something else, I decided I'm gonna go downtown to all the awesome stores down there and apply.  I was down there yesterday having lunch with Richard and shopping with my friend and I saw a lot of places with NOW HIRING signs in their windows.  At first I was thinking that would be too far away to work, but then I thought about it, and it's really not.  I live a 5-minute walk from the train station, and downtown is only five or six stops away.  I can get there in about 10 or 15 minutes -- it's totally doable.  I could have lunch with Richard, I could have lunch with Carly once her school starts up again, and when I get into college, that's right downtown too, and I could go right to work from school if I needed to!  I think it's totally a wise choice to make.  So some day next week, I'm going to go meet Richard for lunch again and then I'll spend the afternoon handing out resumes.

I'm optimistic here -- it won't be so bad.  I can find something before too long, I think.  It'll be easy, now that I'm living in the city.  I probably would've panicked if this had happened before I moved, but now, it's really not so bad.

Weekend = YIKES

So my weekend has been ... less than pleasant, we'll say.

Yesterday (Saturday) was just ... UGH. I have hated Saturday nights for quite awhile now, for many reasons. First of all, the fact that we're incredibly understaffed on Saturday nights (though any manager will deny that fact). We never have enough people to successfully leave the store in a tidy state, especially if it's extremely busy beforehand. Then there's the closing assistant manager on Saturdays. She's a huge tool, it seems, and she has this incredibly annoying desire to impress her higher-ups, so she works us all harder than any other manager. She gives us all to-do lists that we just can't complete, because like I said before, there's not enough of us. She wants all the other managers to think she's doing a good job on her only shift that she closes alone, which is ridiculous since even they don't try to work us that hard.

Last night, she made up huge impossible to-do lists for us ... at eight o' clock. By eight o' clock, we should all be doing what we were assigned to do -- and we all were -- but she decides to tack on a whole bunch more right at the end of the night. Naturally this annoyed every one of us, so we obviously didn't react to it with pleasure. I, for example, had the girls' bathroom assigned to me, so I cleaned it at eight o' clock. I usually get it done at seven or eight, depending on how busy I am. Eight is the absolute latest I get it done ... so that's what I did. Obviously I can't deny people use of the bathroom after that, so the counter got messed up after I cleaned it. The manager insited that I clean it again, so I did. Just a quick wipe up and I was done. Then, at about five minutes to nine (we close at nine), she made me go in there AGAIN. Once again, there was water on the counter and shit on the floor. I have cleaned shit up off the floor at least four times in the last six months -- it's gross! Ah, the delights of working in a toy store. Aside from that, I was PISSED that I had to do the bathroom THREE times in an hour. Any other manager wouldn't care, as long as it had been done once before we closed. I couldn't believe how anal she was being.

Most of the managers let us out of the store at 9:15 at the LATEST, even if the store isn't up to snuff. Not last night's manager though. Every single time she closes, she keeps us until around 9:30, making sure everything is PERFECT. Last night it was 9:25 when she let us out, after making an incredibly annoying speech about us giving her "attitude" and not doing what we were told. Well, when you give people impossible lists of things to get done, in an impossible time to do it, yeah, we're gonna give you attitude. Don't be a bitch and we won't have that problem!

I also made it very clear to her that I HAD to leave well before 9:20 to catch my bus home, but guess what? She didn't give a shit. Luckily for me, a friend of mine offered me a ride -- otherwise I would've been waiting until 10:30 for the very last bus of the night ... and I would've been MAD.


Then when I got home last night, I was met with something completely new. Richard had found my "diary" and read it. I have kept a journal for ... years, really, but I only have one (from when I was 18) here in our apartment. All the others are still packed away in storage. He was looking through my boxes that are up in the closet, and was intrigued by that. My journal, though, isn't like a lot of people's. It's ... stories I've written, sort of. I like writing, but writing out my life isn't always that thrilling ... so I make it up. No one has EVER known that before, no boyfriend, no friend, nothing ... so I was INCREDIBLY embarassed to find out he'd read it. I wasn't mad ... just embarassed. I was afraid he'd find it ... childish, stupid ... any negative thing someone could possibly think of something like that.

So I cried. A lot. We sat on the couch talking about it for awhile, and I felt like he was criticizing me for what I had written. Then he said, "You're under the impression that I love you less." Followed by, "But I think I love you more." And then ... a bunch more tears from me. After a bit more talking, he said "You have an incredible talent. What I read was really good. I couldn't put it down ... and it's hard to find a book I can't put down."

I was absolutely shocked. I couldn't believe he was telling me that! It felt amazing! I may have written about nothing particularly important, and I never finish I thing I write ... but he liked it! He thinks I'm good at it! I was ... amazed!

I'm still embarassed that he read it, but I'm far from angry. It actually feels nice to get that off my chest, even if I'm not the one did it. It was forced, but good.

We spent the night together, and woke up incredibly happy. I loved it.


Today, however, SUCKED.

It started out with a lecture on my "numbers" -- the fact that I never sell protection plans at work, and they all think I've given up. I tried to defend it again, but of course, it wasn't all that successful.

I continued along my day, hating my job and wishing the day would be over, until Luis came up to me and told me he was taking Amy out of service and putting me in. At work, whoever is in service does the most transactions in a day and should do awesome at selling protection plans. Amy, who was in service, almost always hits her goal and they never have a problem with her. So taking her out and putting me in made NO sense. If you want to force me to sell, put me on CASH so I don't fuck up that much -- putting me in service will just result in a lower average for everyone, resulting in less hours for everyone, all at my fault. Yeah, THAT's what I want -- more reason for them to pick on me.

I took an extra long fifteen minute break after that, to collect my frustrations, and then I challenged that decision. It was stupid and made no sense to me. Granted, I was extremely frustrated and had a fair bit of attitude towards the managers, but they sure as hell can't deny that it was a stupid idea.

The manager grilled me about my protection plans again, and I told her that I haven't given up on selling them, if that's what they think. So she said she'd have to talk to "her team" and let me know if they've "given up on me".

Long story short, she's going to call me tomorrow or Tuesday and let me know if they're letting me go. Yep, I've put a year in at that fucking place (a year and eleven days to be precise) but that means nothing. They're willing to just let me go over one bad day. Unbelieveable.

Then they sent me home early. Instead of getting of at 6 and getting home at 7:15, I was here by 3:30-ish. I'm not complaining -- I didn't want to be there anymore -- but it's still quite upsetting.


And now, I'm going to listen to the storm outside and consider a nap. Hopefully this week I can find a new job, so I'm covered if they fire me, or I can quit if they don't. I'm sick of all the politics and drama at that place!

Depression

So up until recently, I was pretty sure I was bipolar. It runs in my family, and my mom was always sure I had it to. She even brought it up to my doctor, but I never wanted to be diagnosed. So went undiagnosed, sort of just assuming that I was. It never seemed too serious if I did have it, so I really wasn't too worried about getting it diagnosed or taken care of. When I was a teenager I felt that if I got rid of that part of me, it would be like getting rid of part of personality. I don't really feel that way now, in particular, but I guess that stayed part of it for awhile.

I stopped thinking I was bipolar awhile ago though, around the time of my break-up with Aden's dad ... and possibly before. I just realized that it wasn't ME making me have mood swings ... it was everything in my life, really. It wasn't a part of my personality after all ... it was really just an affect of everything going on around me.

Now, though, I think there's something "wrong" again. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. If I am, it certainly isn't a serious amount of depression, but it's there just the same. I'm obviously not an expert on depression or bipolar, but I think there's a fine line between the two. Because not only does bipolar run in my family, but depression does too. So now, given how things have been lately (and in my whole life, actually) I'm pretty positive that depression is my issue.

I know I should probably go to my doctor and really get diagnosed, but I dunno ... I really don't want to. At least not just yet. He put both my sisters on antidepressents this year, and I really don't know how they both like it. My one sister told me that it's easy to get hooked on them, and hard to be weaned off ... so I'm kind of scared of that. I used to avoid taking any kind of medication, really. I was even hesitant once upon a time to go on birth control! So yeah ... I'm really hesitant to talk to my doctor about it, because I'm sure he'll jump right to drugs to take care of the problem.

So I'm looking into natural remedies for it first, to see if I can make myself feel a little better about things on my own. I know that exercise can help, and I've been doing a lot of that lately. It's not really a long-lasting effect, but it helps me get through my day anyway. Then there's changes in your diet that can help too -- healthier food, obviously, and I think I'll get myself some vitamins so I can still get what I'm missing from my usual diet. If those don't help, I'll try something else. There are several different "natural" ways to help with depression (not serious depression, but just mild cases, like what I think I have) ... so hopefully I can find something, or a combination of things, that will work.

Not only that, but changing things for myself helps me feel pretty good too. I got a money order for my transcripts the other day, I've got the form to get my transcripts, and as soon as those are sent, I'm applying for school. I'll apply for the January semester so I have time to work my ass off before that, and hopefully come 2011, I'll be a college kid! It feels awesome to think that I could really be doing something with my life ... even if it is just an Administrative Professional Certificate!

Hopefully I start to feel better about things here soon. I mean ... don't get me wrong. I have a lot of good days ... but the bad days ... they can get pretty harsh.

Here's to feeling good soon!