Slow

This year has gotten off to a really slow start. It's only the 10th and I feel like it should be much later than that. It probably has something to do with only working like three days a week instead of six or seven. It's not a lot but I'll take it for now...I needed the break.

It finally feels like winter today. We've only had a few days that have felt the way they should...and today isn't as cold as this time of year should be but it's certainly colder than the 10 we got up to yesterday and the 11 the days before. In fact it's like 20 degrees colder...brr!

It's been a tough past couple days. I spent Sunday night crying in Tyler's arms over the whole year-since-the-abortion thing. I don't really know why I was crying...I guess it was just hard to think about. He said to try and focus on the future instead of the past...but it's not always that easy. I just tried to think about how different things would be now if I hadnt made that choice.

I would probably be miserable with Richard. I can't guarantee that he would've changed like he has because we had a kid together. I sure feel like he wouldn't. I would probably still be in counseling. I would have probably still met Tyler again, but he would have never been that interested in someone with TWO kids, even though he was pretty intoxicated when we met.

In the end, I still believe I made the best choice for everyone. No doubt in my mind.

Goodbye, 2011

I realize this post is a little late, but better late than never, right? I have decided to try and use my weekly bus rides for Aden time wisely, and I'll blog. Hopefully it works out!

Things are still going pretty well. I started to get a little stressed as Christmas got closer, because I working so often, I didn't have time to clean a lot...I was doing all my Christmas shopping on my breaks! But now all that is over and I can focus on life.

I'm trying to get into a better routine for being a better live-in girlfriend. I've realized that moving in with someone is a lot different than getting a place with someone. This way, the moving in way, I feel like I have to do things his way....even though I know that's not true, and as long as things are clean and whatever it shouldn't matter.

Anyway, I would like to bid adieu to 2011. No more updating for right now...just a bittersweet goodbye.

The year was tough, as anyone reading this would realize.

It started out with me pregnant, more depressed than ever, and very much alone. I was about to get fired, I was not seeing Aden, and I was very scared. January was, though I didn't know it yet, the start of major improvements.

About a year ago exactly (I think on the 8th or 9th) I got the abortion. I will never forget and I will always think of the one I let go of. Sometimes I get emotional thinking about it, but I try not to regret. I am convinced that I will be blessed with that same soul later in life. I know that sounds cheesy, but that's always how I've felt.

Spring was a blur. It was filled with court dates, waiting for counseling, and lots of stress. I got a job I hated and that didn't help with the depression. It was spring, but winter seemed to last until May. It was sheer misery.

May seemed to be a turn around point for me. I quit my job and went back to the only one I ever really loved: Toys R Us. I was not working close to home but I was in the city and that alone seemed to be a huge improvement.

Time with Aden became more frequent as court dates went on. It helped my depression a lot just to have my child around me more often. I will never again go back to what it was before that. Ever.

At the end of July I met Tyler again. I was probably at my highest point I had been at all year, and I'm certain that my amazing attitude has something to do with our immediate attraction. We clicked right away, and I could practically feel good things for the future.

My court dates ended soon after that. That felt like a huge win for me. Things were finally going in my favor!

Tyler and I made things official on August 27th. I'm not much for remembering dates, but he did, and now it's in my brain for good. It felt nothing but right, despite the way Richard looked at it.

I won't deny that Richard was a huge part of 2011. He was. I won't ever forget how he was there for me, to fix all the things he had a hand in ruining. I haven't mentioned him much because I just figure it was a given than he was there.

October, right before my birthday, marked the end of counseling. My counselor dubbed me much better, and capable of handling my own emotions. And, despite one bad encounter, I haven't even considered going back.

The last few months have been nothing but (mostly) traveling upward. Obviously I moved in with Tyler at the start of December, and things are only going to get better from here.

So what does 2012 hold for me?

I have a few goals. No resolutions, but things I'm looking forward to.

First, focusing on myself, Aden, and Tyler. No roommates with feelings or whatever for me.

I'm going to get my license so I can dream of buying a car. Driving will get me more time with Aden. Closer to half and half is my ultimate goal here. And since I'm healthy and capable of making more money, this is not an I reachable goal.

I would like to apply for the August semester of school. I was going to before the move, but obviously I got distracted. There is still time though!

I'm also excited to see where things go with Tyler...I have a feeling it's gonna be a really good year for us!

2011 was about fixing what was broken, and 2012 is going to be about improving on what is fixed. I'm determined and I know I'm more than capable. :)

A Quick Update

Obviously my previous promise to blog more often did not work out...since that was in what, September? And it's now a week and a half until Christmas! I guess you could say things got pretty crazy after that!

Richard went...berserk. Even after giving me the okay to date. Not that I needed his permission, but I felt as a respectful friend I should really talk to him about it first. So, I did, he okayed it, and in the end, he was miserable. Told me he was still in love with me and wanted nothing more than to get me back. And apparently he had told this to everyone but me. That made things rather difficult on my part, because I had fought so long and so hard to get him back...only to be turned down repeatedly. Finally, I decided to date Tyler. Finally...I realized it was never going to happen, and then I find out I was wrong?

Well of course I had two choices from there: go with what I know (and what I know can hurt me) or go with something new and, to my knowledge, something that is capable of honesty. So I went with the latter: Tyler.

Obviously my friendship with Richard got extremely rocky after that.

But let's jump ahead, shall we?

Richard kicked me out. He gave me a bullshit money excuse, but I know that's not it. After trying to find a million different options, I'm now living with Tyler. I was terrified to make this leap - terrified it was the wrong choice, that it wouldn't go well straight off the bat. But I was wrong. This is the least stressed I've ever been during a move and things are going amazingly. I'm truly in love with this man and I really see a future here!

I was also worried about how things would go here with Aden, but you know what? The first weekend was perfect. Tyler has really stepped up and is completely comfortable with Aden. It's taken a lot of effort on his part to get there, but I know it won't always. Aden is comfortable with him now too, which thrills me to no end!

I'm seeing Prince with Tyler tonight, which, if you know me at all, you know that's my lifelong dream! And I don't even have to leave the city to do it!! I cannot wait! Two more hours and I'll be seeing the Purple One live in all his glory!

More later, it's dinner time!

:)

Everything

Things have been crazy.

Not in a bad way... just a million things have been going on since I last blogged, and I don't even know where to begin!

Things with Aden have been going amazingly.  His dad and I are FINALLY done living at the court house, and things are finally where I'd like them to be. Of course there is still room for improvement, but it's about as good as it can get right now, and that's really the most I could ask for.

I'm getting every other weekend, and things are now sort of... casual with other visits. Just whenever I'm free, I'll go there and see him. It'll be easier once I'm driving... but until then, this is working well. I have more freedom and it feels fantastic!

Aden is growing too fast though. He started preschool today, and I couldn't even be there to take him to his first day. I wasn't there, and his dad wasn't either... I feel awful. I feel like a really shitty parent, but I still know there was nothing I could've done to be able to take him myself. It's a shitty feeling... but I'm sure all single parents with divided time have to deal with stuff like this. I always tell other parents I know that the guilty feelings... those are signs that you're a good parent... because it shows that you love your child and you wish you could do your very best, when nobody is perfect, really. I tell that to other people, but I just can't feel that myself.

I feel like a better parent than ever lately... but sometimes I just don't.

Anyway... sadness aside, something I can be happy about!

Things at work have been awesome.

I finally got moved to the baby department, and as far as I can tell, I've proved that it was a good choice on my manager's behalf. I've been working my ass off and I've now got the hours to show for it. And more hours = better money, which makes for less stress for me, which feels AWESOME. I can afford to pay my bills, pay child support, AND I should be getting my first credit card in a few days here and I'll be able to pay for that too! It's an amazing feeling, being somewhat financially stable. Of course it could be MUCH better, but I'm not constantly feeling poor all the time, and that in itself is just awesome.

AND I started dating someone too!

His name is Tyler and he's amazing. We have so much in common, but not so much that it gets boring... and I feel like this is the best choice I've made... probably ever. It hasn't affected everything I've done for myself and for Aden in the last 9 months, and he knows damn well that he'll never come first over Aden, which... my last boyfriend (I'm sure it's obvious who I'm referring to) couldn't handle.

I actually met him almost a year ago now, through a friend of Richard's - the four of us went out for Richard's birthday and she was dating this guy. It was the first time I'd ever met that friend, but even to me she and Tyler did not seem like a good couple. We never saw each other again after that, because they broke up.

Until Hannah's birthday at the end of July.

As it turns out, Tyler is the friend of Mike's (her boyfriend) who she was always talking about - saying he was awesome and hilarious and she loved to hang out with him. Ty and I really clicked that night and started talking on facebook and exchanged numbers after that and everything.

Things went a little quickly after that, and we decided to take a risk and just be together - so far, it's working out amazingly.

I've met his friends and his mom, who LOVED me... I haven't felt so great in ages. I'm thrilled that I took the risk.

Course Richard isn't happy for me (he's jealous as hell), and for some reason my sisters aren't either... but everyone else is, so those who aren't can just... get over it!!

I'll try blogging more... promise... but I've been busy!

<3

Update (I'm not very creative)

Well, I had my first weekend with Aden this past weekend.  While it was officially our first overnight together (actually, two), it wasn't how it will be in the future.  We (and by we, I mean my whole family - sisters, dad and Wendy, Richard and Aden) went down to my Grandpa's house for the weekend.  So it wasn't a typical weekend because my whole family was there, and Aden wasn't just under my watch the entire time.  However, that definitely did not make the weekend super awesome and easy.  Aden was very... defiant all weekend.  He always is, of course, but it was a lot to handle at one time.  Everyone (in my family, anyway) seemed really understanding, though, that it was my first weekend in a long time, and that I might need help.

Even Richard was amazing.

I have never asked, or even considered asking, him to help with Aden in any way (at least not beyond driving us around), but he really stepped up this weekend.  There were times where he would ask Aden to do things, or make deals with him to get him to do things (like Aden can share his snack if he starts listening, and things like that)... and at one point, he even took Aden into the house to wash his hands and face.  I was looking for Aden because he had run off after I told him he needed his hands washed... I went into the house to see if Richard saw where he went, and they were both in there washing hands.  It was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen.

Anyway, it was a great weekend overall, aside from having to raise my voice way too often.  It was a really good start to my weekends being underway, and I really can't wait until the next one.

I'm nervous, though, because it will be completely different.  Richard will most likely be working, so it will just be me and Aden.  My family obviously won't be there either.  We won't have as much to do, at least not every weekend - we'll plan zoo trips now and then, but obviously stuff like that won't happen all the time.  Regardless, I'm really looking forward to things moving forward now!

I. Hate. Money.

I do, I hate it.  Probably more than anything.  I hate talking about it, I hate dealing with, and I hate spending it (even on food and other basic needs, when I think I can't).  Of course... I wouldn't feel the same if I HAD any... but I feel like I never will and that stresses me out.

Hours were recently cut at Toys R Us, practically in half... so I went from working mostly 8-hour shifts 5 days a week, to working 6-hours or less 3 days a week.  That's a huge cut in pay.  We've been scraping by, but I don't want to do it much longer.  I took the "full-time" position at Toys R Us because I needed more money... and then only two weeks later, I wasn't getting the full-time hours any longer... the hours I need.

We have been planning on taking Aden down to my Grandpa's (NOW THAT I'VE GOT MY OVERNIGHTS BACK!!!!!!) next weekend, but now we're not sure we can afford it.  We both got paid today, but it's mostly gone after bills got paid.  It takes almost three hours to drive to my Grandpa's... so that quite a bit of gas, which ain't cheap these days.  And then we'd have to buy some snacks, probably beer, and probably outside toys for Aden while we're there.  As far as vacations go... it's cheap... but when you have next to no money, nothing is cheap.

I have even had to ask my dad for money so we can go.  I want to so bad, I know that Aden's dad will be more comfortable if, for my first overnight time with Aden, we're around my family - and there will be a lot of family there.  Richard wants to go (we both have the time off), I want to go, I know Aden would have a good time, his dad would be happier... and of course my family would like for us to go.  And, actually, we'll probably eat better there than we would at my house all weekend... so that's a plus too. And of course, there will be FREE fun there... as opposed to going to the zoo or something if we stay home.

It's just getting there and home that's the issue... which is why I had to ask my dad for money.  I hate doing that... I hate it so much... I'm twenty two, I shouldn't have to need help anymore... should I?  I know, it's probably fine... but I hate it.  My dad keeps thinking that me saying we might not be able to afford gas is my way of saying that Richard doesn't want to go... but it's not... we honestly might not be able to afford gas!!

So now, just thinking about it, I'm stressed, I feel sad, and I don't want to do anything.  I've tried everything to get more money... looking for another job (which I really don't want to do, because I do like mine)... looking for a second job... I just don't know what to do anymore. I have nothing I could sell - and even if I had anything of any value, I'm too much of a packrat to consider it.  I've thought many times of selling knitted stuff... but of course that's a business it would take money to start...

I just do not know what to do next.  We're looking at places to move to to save a little in rent... but beyond that, we're going to be in the same position financially for awhile. :(

Been Awhile

It was brought to my attention last night that my blog has been pretty ignored since like... March.  So I figured maybe it's time for an update.

I'm still just as happy as I was back in that last post, which is fantastic.  I was worried that maybe the whole "being happy" thing was like a big glass roof... and one somewhat bad thing could happen at any moment and send the whole thing crashing down.  I still sort of feel like that could happen, but it hasn't yet... so maybe it just won't.  Whatever ends up happening, I'm not as worried about it as I was before... and I'm not in a place where I'm just waiting for something to happen.  My paranoia is still there, but it's becoming less and less every day.

Anyway...

Things with Aden are getting better.  We went to court after his dad served me with a new parenting order - he wanted all visits to be okayed with him, and all company during visits.  He was asking me for child support payments as well.  I'm 100% sure he just expected me to lie down and accept what he wanted, but I didn't do that - I got a lawyer.

When the issue went to court, I got surprised.  I fought back by asking for one day a week plus Sundays - for now - and to my surprise, his dad offered two days a week plus every other Sunday.  Essentially more hours than what I wanted.  So of course, I accepted.  My lawyer couldn't actually be there, and she sent another one instead, so we pushed the child support issue until July, when we're going back anyway.

I've been going to counselling (which is going very well) since last month, so my lawyer and I decided to revisit the parenting issue in July, when my counselling is well under way, and then I'll be fighting for overnight visits, etc.  I know his dad won't easily give that up, since he still thinks I'm a threat, for some stupid reason... but I'll fight hard for it.  And I'll go to counselling as long as I need to to ease his mind, even though my counsellor doesn't think I'll need more than 5 or 6 visits.  I don't care.  I'll keep going as long as HE thinks I need to, because I want my visits.  I want the visits I deserve.

And of course, Aden's dad is in a pissy mood again these days.  He had some girlfriend who, I guess, is nuts.  She was there when we went to court... and she was 18 weeks pregnant.  So I figured, she'd be there a good long time - and, something I do my best not to think about, I realized if she was 18 weeks along, she would've gotten pregnant during the time that I was living with Aden and his dad... so I had my doubts that the baby was even his.  But knowing Aden's dad, he wouldn't care... and would still do anything to keep this crazy girl around.  I guess their glass roof shattered and she left him - again.  So now, he's miserable.  And you can guarantee that if his misery is still present in July, he'll do anything he can to prevent me taking away more of his time with Aden.  Don't get me wrong... it's not about me giving him less time with Aden... it's just about me getting more.  Closer to equal - that's what I want.

And it's possible, now that Richard has his car!  He got a Dodge Journey about a month ago, and it's so awesome.  He's been taking me to Airdrie on my Sundays with Aden, and we even were able to take Aden to see Kung Fu Panda 2, which was awesome.  Oh... I forgot to mention that my visits have to be supervised by my parents right now... which sucks, but if it's a path to getting visits alone, it's fine for now.  They didn't come to the movie, and my sister came instead... which of course caused an issue with Aden's dad... but I don't care.  My parents may be on the parenting order papers, but we verbally agreed that my sisters would be fine too.  He's just more worried that it's not just Richard and I with him... even though Richard is 100% safe.  When that psycho girl (and her kid) were living with Aden and his dad, every time I saw Aden he had a new bite mark or bruise on his body from that kid - obviously shit like that doesn't happen when he's with us.  His dad has nothing to worry about... he's just paranoid.

Things are easier now that we have a vehicle.  I have yet to learn to drive, but it makes visits so much more easy.  I'm very happy with it.

It makes work easier too.

Last time I posted, I was just about to start work at Lowe's.

Well, that didn't last long.  I got very miserable very quickly.  I liked a few of the people I worked with (people that didn't work near me, but people that worked in the store), and I liked the hourly pay... but that was about it.  I hated getting up at 6 to work at 8:00 or 8:30.  I hated the bitchy head cashiers for delaying my breaks and making it feel like I was bad at my job after only two weeks.  I hated that my hours could go from anywhere to 15/week to 25/week.  I hated that they gave me shit for having to stay home for two days for having PINK EYE.  Overall, I just wasn't happy.

So before Richard got the car, he decided that we should call our old manager from Toys R Us, who had moved to a store in the city... and who had promised Richard a job if he ever needed it, when he quit the other store.  At first he was going to call and get himself a job, while I stuck it out at Lowe's... but he told me I'd have to find a full time job, so I figured I might as well ask our old manager if she had space for me too.

Well, lucky us, she hired us both.  I was, of course, worried about working at Toys R Us again together... given all the shit that went down at the last store, but we had a talk about it, and my mind is at ease.  Richard has promised not to add people on facebook or get any numbers and I've promised the same.  Work friends are just work friends and won't be anything more.... for us both... and so far, so good.  I'm really not too worried about it anyway, because a good majority of the people who work there think we're together anyway, no matter what I tell them!  There's even a lady who we used to work with at the old store who insists we're dating, no matter what I say to her.  Richard says just to let them think what they want... especially if they won't listen.  Oh well, right?

The new job is better than Lowe's.  There are only two people I don't like, and for the most part I like everyone else.  I'm making almost $2 less per hour, but I have more hours so it works out for the best.  Well... I'm supposed to have more hours... until they cut everyone's.  It's not so bad, though.  I'm sure they'll be back up before too long.  At least I hope so.

So, that's pretty much the update!