The Past is all in the Past ... Most of the Time

Tonight, I made the stupid mistake of watching Technokayla, and its sequel. I think that watching those is one of the very few things in this world that can make me miss my former life. Not the life I used to have of drinking and being promiscuous ... but BEFORE that. Back when I was a teenager, and had what I thought was the best group of friends in the world.

We were an eclectic group of people. We didn't drink or do anything "bad" like most teenagers our age, but we still managed to always have the best time ever. We would watch somewhat "out there" movies, and we'd make them too. We would sing out loud to one another, and play our instruments in my old best friend's backyard. We spent every Friday after school together, if not more frequently than that, and those were always the best days of the week. I don't remember any particularly bad days together. At least, not until it was the beginning of the end, so to speak.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, watching those videos is one of the few things in this world that reminds me of how great a friendship we all had, prior to that awful falling out nearly three years ago now. There are a few other things on that list, though ... like watching Rent. I tried to watch it on the TV the other night. Didn't work so well. I teared up during the opening credits, just remembering how often we watched that movie, how well we could sing the songs, and how I was even learning that one song on the piano.

Even watching Purple Rain gets me a little ... nostalgic sometimes. The first time I saw that movie, and experienced the beauty that is Prince, was at an 80s party we had. Luckily I love Prince enough to push past the sad nostalgia and enjoy the movie anyway ... but still, it's hard sometimes!

Then, can't forget about facebook pictures. I don't often come across facebook photos of them, but when I do, my heart lurches up into my throat and I do get a little emotional. Especially when I see photos from the days when we were still good friends. A friend of mine posted some old photos a little while ago ... man, that got me emotional. I could remember the days most of those photos were taken, and how awesome those days were.


Ugh ... Blair's wedding is going to be so difficult. I'm trying not to think about running into those old friends there, but I can't help it sometimes. I'm hoping things will be good, and we might even talk and catch up ... but at the same time, I'm pretty sure that won't happen. I think we'll all just try and make the day as good for Blair as we possibly can, without making it too awkward for those that are still mutual friends between us.

We shall see.

Happiness

I think that I deserve to be happy. Simple enough, right? Hm ... not so much. Not that long ago, I didn't know that happiness could be so difficult to obtain. Now I know that it is. It isn't fair that it could be so hard to just be happy, but I suppose that's life.

I haven't told anybody this yet, but I'm currently dealing with a bit of a struggle. It's all inside, and I'm doing my very best not to show on the outside that I'm dealing with this ... and that is hard in itself. I know it's time for me to make some difficult choices, and I just don't know where to go with them. No matter what I do, it seems that someone always ends up losing ... whether it's me, or someone I deeply care for.

I want to be happy -- no, I NEED it. And not just somewhat pleased ... I mean really, truly happy. Every day. I want to wake up happy, spend the day happy, and go to bed happy. Obviously everyone's entitled to their bad days ... but everyone should have good ones too, right? Lately, it just seems as though my unhappy days far outweigh the happy ones, and it's just beginning to seem really unfair to me. I never sleep well, I wake up and don't want to start the day, I spend the day in a sour mood, and I end up staying up later than I should because I don't want to do it all over again yet.

Of course there's one person who's happiness matters more than mine, and that person is Aden. I want him to be happy more than anything else ... but at the same time, I feel as though he'd be happier if I was happier. It may not matter now, since he's not even two years old yet, but when he's older, I think he would appreciate having a happy mom. If he could see me really REALLY happy, then he would know how important it is to be happy. I remember growing up, how hard things were when my mom was unhappy. Things always seemed so much better when she was happy. She never seemed truly happy until she married her current husband, and now, I love that she's as happy as she is.

All moms know that our kids' happiness is more important than anything ... but we have to remember that we're important too ... and that's important for our kids to see us happy. As easy as it is to say that, it's not so easily done. I'm learning this more and more as the days go on.

It's been ages since I've had a constant smile on my face, and now that I've been reminded of how good that feels, and I've been shown that it's within my reach ... I really wish I could have it all the time.

Speeches

I'm not sure whether or not I mentioned previously that I have accepted my best friend's request for me to be her Maid of Honor. I'm scared about a lot of it (since I'm a big wuss, and all) ... but I came to the conclusion that she is my best friend, I love her and her husband-to-be, and I'm willing to swallow my fears and do what I can for them both. My dear sister is going to help me out with planning the big stuff (the stagette and the bridal shower), so I think I'll make it through those things okay ... but there's one thing I'm really fearing: MAKING A SPEECH.

There are a few reasons for this. First, I SUCK at public speaking. I have a tendency to stutter when I'm nervous ... and sadly, it doesn't take a lot to make me nervous. I sometimes get nervous when I'm just talking to customers at work ... so you can imagine how nervous I could get standing up in front of 200 people. Which brings me to my next point. Some of those people are people I don't even want to see, and I really don't want them to see me make a fool out of myself. So yeah ... I think it's understandable if I'm incredibly nervous to make a speech.

Not only am I nervous to speak in front of 200 people ... but I'm nervous to write the speech itself. I'm fully aware that I'm not a bad writer ... but I do much better just ... writing about stuff like I do in my blog. I've known my best friend for seven years now, and I've known her fiancee for just over five ... so I know I can think of plenty to say ... but can I word it all in a way that sounds good? I'm not the most sentimental of people ... nor am I much of a comedian, so I guess I'm afraid that my speech will be incredibly dull, and people will just stop listening, or something. I guess the best I can do is attempt to make it short and sweet, but still something that Blair will love and appreciate. Ah ... that is going to be a challenge in itself. At least I have three months to work on this, and figure it out, and practice it over ... and over ... and over ... before the big day.

Ah ... at least I'll have wine, right?!

Gotta Love Wedding Drama

Today, my best friend called to inform me of some changes in her wedding plans. She told me that, due to some ... drama, her Maid of Honor would no longer be her Maid of Honor, and she asked if I would like to be. Here's what I was thinking: "Wha?!"

Yup ... exciting. Well ... exciting that I get to be her Maid of Honor now. Not exciting that she and the previous MOH probably won't be friends anymore. That part's not so good. My best buddy seems to be really upset by that ... and I'm going to do my best to be a damn good Maid of Honor so she'll still be happy! That's what b-maids are supposed to do, right? RIGHT!

Anyway ... my bestie asked me today for the style number of the bridesmaid dresses we got. Said number is on the receipt ... WHICH I CAN'T FIND! Gah! I thought it was in my purse still -- nope! On the dishwasher? Nope! Microwave stand? Of course not! CRAAAAAAP.

So now, tomorrow, I have to tear apart my house to find the damn thing ... because God knows the former MOH won't want to help out and give us the number from the dress! I hope Richard didn't throw it out. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have ... but it's nowhere to be found!

My sister said it best on my friend's facebook status. She commented and said: "Without wedding drama, it wouldn't be a wedding."

Babyfever Relapse and the Mysterious Green Box

I've gone back into my little pit of baby fever sadness again. I was doing so well, and now, here I am, craving another little person in my life. A couple of friends had their second baby over the last week -- one of which has a son two weeks older than Aden, and one who's daughter is younger than Aden. And they both just had #2 recently. And today, we got to see sweet little Olivia ... who is just so precious. She's almost 4 months old, and I can't believe it. I just love that girl. She's got the cutest little smile, and makes the cutest happy noises. Seeing her sooo makes me want another one.

But, I have to smart here. Weigh my options. On one hand, my family would feel so much more ... complete with another child in the picture. I'm so longing to be pregnant again (despite how much I hated it the first time around), and I'm so eager to be a mom the second time around. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't be an ideal move for our relationship ... and we don't have the space (or the money to get more space) to have another kid around. There are days where I don't feel like I should have an almost-two-year old ... so imagine how I'd feel with an almost-two-year old AND another baby. I think it's quite likely that it'd make me feel more depressed than I have been lately, rather than making me happier. So, it's probably smarter for us to wait ... as sad as that might make me at times.

I'm glad I'm smart enough to wrap my head around baby fever, and talk myself out of it every time. Yeah, sometimes it's harder ... but I've gotten pretty good at it. I just have to keep weighing the different choices and figure out which one's better for us. CLEARLY waiting is better ... so that's what we'll do.



In other news ... something very ... odd, to say the least, happened today.

We were on our way to the store to get Richard's dad a birthday card, and since we'd be going straight over to his parents' house after, we'd need to write in the card right away. I told Richard to ask the cashier for a pen when we got there, and he said he was pretty sure there were pens in the car. So I opened the console thinger between us to see if there was, and he was right, there was a pen in there.

And there was also something else.

There was a tiny green box that said "Ann Louise Jewellers" on it. I'd recognize their logo anywhere, since Blair works there and I see it all the time. I didn't notice the box at first, but there it was ... staring up at me.

Richard must've noticed that I noticed, because he shut the thing right away. I asked what it was, and he just played dumb ... even though he had a huge grin on his face.

And now, I can't stop thinking about that damn box. What's in it? When did he get it? Where did he get the money to spend at a jewelry store? Who's it for? Perhaps those are obvious questions ... but with Richard, you can never be too sure. Hell, how do I even know I'll ever see the contents of that box?

It's so mysterious ... and I'm trying not to think about it ... but I can't help it!

Ah! Men!

Aden's Big Boy Bed

Tonight is Aden's fourth night in his big boy bed! He has been doing really well in it since we got it, on the seventeenth of this month. He hasn't gotten out of bed to play at all, like I thought he would, and he hasn't fallen out at all yet either.

When we got it, he seemed really upset that his crib was coming down -- perhaps the whole idea of change is what upset him. We watching Richard take it down and everything, and then I decided to give Aden a bath, to get him out of the way so Richard could put the bed up. When Aden got out of the tub and I let him go in his room, he got so excited! He said "pye-nin!" (Spider-man) and literally leapt into the bed! He didn't want to leave the room when I got Richard to take him upstairs so I could finish tidying up.

Getting him to bed that first night was ... interesting. I attempted to lay him in bed and read him a story. I crouched next to the bed -- the makeshift bottom doesn't allow "big people" to lay in it at this point -- to read a story, but he just climbed out and started marching around the room. He was so excited just to be able to get in and out of the bed himself. I read the story, despite him not listening, and then began the ordeal of putting him to bed and leaving the room. He didn't want the excitement to end! When I did get up to turn off the light and shut the door, he was less than happy. He tried to climb out of bed really fast and make it to the door before me ... but obviously that didn't work. He cried harder than he ever did on a regular night in his crib, which was hard to hear. But, despite how upset he was at being left there in the dark, he slept REALLY well. He fell asleep within a half hour, something he hardly ever did in the crib, and stayed asleep all night -- normally he would wake up in the middle of the night, for maybe a half hour or so, and just talk to himself ... but he didn't do that at all in his bed! And, the next morning, he didn't even wake up until 8:30! I figured he'd wake up a lot earlier than that, and he'd just get out of bed to play ... but he didn't. He didn't even get out of bed until I went in to get him! That made me really very happy.

Naptime the next day didn't go as easily. In fact, he didn't sleep at all during naptime. I read him a story, same as the night before, and tried to tuck him in. I gave him the book, because it seemed to cheer him up, and I left. Again, he cried a little ... but not for long. Instead of sleep, he sat in his bed for an hour and a half or more, just looking at his book. He didn't want to sleep, because there was a little bit of natural light in there ... different from night time. When I went to get him up, he was just there, leaning on his pillow, looking at a book. So cute.

He's been sleeping really well since, and crying less and less when I leave him in there. He still really loves his new bed, and I'm glad. It's hard to admit that he's growing up ... and having a big boy bed only makes it more real ... but it's still really exciting. He's becoming such a big boy. His big boy bed went over so well ... next, hopefully potty training!

Oh, and here's a couple photos of Aden's new bed!




It came from my grandma's house, and my dad sanded and painted it. I love it! And Aden loves the Spiderman theme too!

What Am I Doing?

I feel like a terrible mother today. Long story short, Richard and I got in a fight this morning and I smacked him. I haven't done that in a long time. I've been very good about not doing that ... but this morning, I got carried away. The worst part is, it was right in front of Aden.

It upset him right away. He began to yell and he just got mad. Richard was getting him ready to put him down for a nap, and he had to go to bed upset because of what I did.

I feel so horrible about him seeing us fight. He's not even two and he knows that we shouldn't be doing that. If Richard and I start yelling at each other in the car, which is more of a common occurence than you might think, Aden sits there in the back seat going, "No! Stop it! Stop it!" until we actually quit. It's so heart-breaking when he does that.

And this morning I just had to take it too far and hit Richard in front of him. He was so upset by it. It's not even like I hit Richard with Aden in the same room -- he was right there, feet in front of us, watching. He saw the whole thing. He didn't just glance over and catch it ... didn't just hear what happened ... he SAW it. Clear as day.

This has to stop. The fighting, the arguing, the cutting each other down ... Aden is going to end up like his dad, thinking all of that is okay. Richard saw that from his parents his whole life ... and now, he has no problem insulting me or making me feel like shit. I will be so disappointed in myself if Aden grows up thinking that's alright. Only twenty-two months old and his idea of a loving relationship is already skewed. And I'm partially to blame.

He needs to see what a healthy relationship is ... and now I'm thinking that he isn't ever going to see that from Richard and I. I mean ... we don't fight 24/7 -- we don't even fight every day anymore. But still, what we show Aden is not what a healthy relationship is. This just ... isn't right.

I don't know what to do here. I know I'm a good mother to my son ... but to show him what he's seen ... that's not good.